Caring for brain-damaged father...

[PortraitOfPink]

My father suffered a ruptured brain aneurysm in July of '05 and has since been severely brain damaged. I am caring for him by myself, so I had to quit my job and stop going to school. He's only 46 years old. It's very hard to handle and deal with. It seems like no one I talk to can understand what I'm going through because really, they can't. I don't know anyone who has ever had to deal with anything even close to this, so when I talk they just nod and say they understand, but there's no way they ever could. All he is now is a shell of everything he used to be, and every single day I have to look at him and know that while he may look like the same person I knew, nothing about him is the same. He's empty now. He's no longer my dad. He's this person I've never met before, but I have to take care of him and make myself love him just because it's the right thing to do. His doctors do not seem too optimistic that he will ever improve at all.

I've been caring for him since September, and... honestly, a part of me wants to put him in a facility because of the mental and physical anguish that it puts me through. Two reasons, though, that I haven't yet: 1) it's far too expensive (I've had to take over his finances and debt, and am having difficulty even paying the mortgage) and 2) I feel like it would be very selfish of me to do such a thing.

I just don't know what to do anymore. It's wearing me down, and I know that in the mental state that I'm in it does no good for my father. So really, I don't even think that having him home with me is the best place for him to be anymore. But there are no other options for us right now.

The injury was very sudden, of course, and sometimes I feel like my life ended the day the rupture occurred. It's a horrible thought to have, but that's what it feels like. I hate that I can't care for him the way that he needs to be cared for, and I'm trying the best that I can, but... it's all too much. And it seems like I'm completely alone. I have never felt so alone in my whole life.

He needs me and I need to be there for him, I know that. I just wish there was some way to make it easier... I've been asking God for guidance and wisdom and answers, but He's yet to show me why He's put this particular obstacle into my life. I just don't know what to do anymore...

 

[goldenviolet]

bless your heart love. all this is indeed a burden. He's still your Father in Spirit. he's not just a shell hun. even if he doesn't understand a whole lot; his body understands your love and care.
is there a mental health, community referal services, church ministeries (even if not your denomination), etc., that can provide resources and volunteers to assist you? how about through financial aid programs? you need to do some researching, and don't give up. researching may be abit hard; but i have heard of lots of
private and professional services. in outreach ministeries they are volunteer. bless you dear. what you are doing is a beautiful fruit.

 

[PortraitOfPink]

I know that his body can sense when I'm upset or frustrated or being loving, but the person he was before is completely gone now. He doesn't have any personality at all... He just is. And I don't understand why God would leave him in this world to just be a body without direction, with no indepedence. He has no self-awareness, no short-term memory, selective long-term memory, often no recollection of who I am or even who he is. And that's why it's so difficult...

I've done a lot of research to figure out options for us, and so far I've been unsuccessful. There are plenty of options, but none that are the least bit affordable for us. I had to quit my job to take care of him, so the only money we have coming in is his disability from the work he did before he was injured, and it is just barely enough to only pay the mortgage, but even that runs out in May of this year.

We've put in for Social Security benefits, but they decided that they're not even going to give us an answer as to whether or not we've been approved until June.

I have a friend who's been helping me out, watching my dad when I have things I have to do, but I'm having to pay her, as well.

I'm about to get into counseling for myself at my church, because the mental state I've been in through all of this isn't good for me or for my dad, so I need some professional help. I'm talking to the "Minister of the Day" on Monday.

There are support groups at my church, too, like a "Caring for Caregivers" group and an Alzheimer's group (the doctors have said that my dad can be compared to someone with an advanced stage of Alzheimer's), and while support groups are great in helping me not feel so alone, there's not much else they can offer.

Honestly, I'm hoping and praying that God will drop something into my lap soon that will open the doors and reveal answers for all of this.

 

[goldenviolet]

*praying for you hun!*

 

[2Blessed2BStressed]

I'm praying for you too. I've gone through a similar situation with my father who had a leg amputation last year and had other complications because of it. Just be encouraged that there are people who can empathize with you.

 

[mightywarrior77]

I know for a young girl your age taking care of your Father is really hard to handle. I can relate because I recently lost my Mom. She had several mini strokes and other health problems as well. She at times would just talk all kinds of weird things that didn't make any sense. It broke my heart to see her that way. My sister and I took care of her for 6 months. Round the clock care. It was hard and at times I didn't think I could make it, but the Lord gave me the strength to carry through. I know that if you will just pray and ask the lord to give you strength to carry on this heavy burden. He will see you through. I think you are a special lady to do what you are doing. You are honoring your Father. The lord says that if you honor your Mother and Father that your days will be long upon the earth. And sweetheart you are the best when it comes to that! Hold your head up and look to the Lord for your strength and he will carry you through. "Father I just pray right now that you would touch this precious young lady and give her the wisdom and understanding to know how to cope with this situation. Lord that she will make the decisions that would be pleasing to you. Lord give her guidance in all things. Lift her up and help her carry this burden. Father we ask this in the Mighty Name of Jesus."

 

[mare61]

Pink, have you considered hospice? My husband was diagnosis with brain cancer and had to undergo a craniotomy that left him brain damaged. My sons and I cared for him for over a year. Hospice was a God send. Blessings, Mare

 

[Friendshipcake]

Praying for you........

 

[UnitynLove]

Praying for you.

 

[praying]

I'm about to get into counseling for myself at my church, because the mental state I've been in through all of this isn't good for me or for my dad, so I need some professional help. I'm talking to the "Minister of the Day" on Monday.

This could quite possibly be the best thing you could do for Dad, to the best of your ability with others help heal yourself as best you can.

God bless you.

 

[gamergurl]

pink sounds like your doin a great job ...your getting it to gether..best advice i can give is take care of yourself so u can take care of your love ones...my husband had a tree fall off a 100ft clift and landed on him..that was 3 years ago..he has frontal lobe brain injury and lots of other body injuries... his brain injury sounds not as bad as your dads...but i know what its like to know and love a person and then 1 sec later their a different person altogether but in your love 1 body ...keep talking to people and dont give up hope theirs always a way to get what u need .. just relized this is a old post i hope u see this ...if you do let me konw i would love to be apart of your support..even after 3 years i still need it too

 

[codybaby1964]

Hi Pink,

I know what you mean about others just nodding and saying they understand. Your dad is so young! My step-dad was 65 at the time. He will be 75 in November.

In April 1999 my step-dad suffered a ruptured aneurysm of the brain. It was 2 days after my mom's cancer surgery. We found him on the floor of their apartment. The doctors didn't think he would make it through the night. They inserted a shunt and after 2 long months (hospital and rehab) he was sent home. I was terrified. I had both of them to take care of. I had to quit my job and move in with them. 3 months later my husband was able to move with us because we got a house.

My mom passed in February 2001. I had openheart bypass in May 2002.

Lately, I have been feeling guilty because I have thought about a nursing home. It is very hard for me to care for him. He has Type 2 diabetes, hypertension, BHP, cellulitis in his legs and COPD. I have Type 1 diabetes, heart disease, adrenal problems, diabetes complications, depression, sleep apnea, among other things. I feel so frustrated. When I try to tell him why he needs to walk, do his exercises and keep his legs elevated (that is all he has to do), he stares at me with a blank look. I wonder if I am getting through. Enough about me.

God had me come here today and I am so glad that He sent me to your post! I no longer feel alone.

If you want to talk, please pm me anytime. I would love to talk with you! I am sure we can help each other.

 

[Jenafer]

Is there anyway you can get him into a daycare sort of facility even for a few days a week.. to give you a break. What about getting a volunteer to sit with him while you get out for a bit.. sometimes we just have to make up our minds to go along with things..

Like making up our mind to have patience with a crying child.. like making up our mind to have patience with a sick relative..

Don't forget the little things.. like watching a nice movie.. listening to music.. reading a book..

Only you can know if you have to put him into care or not.. if you can't cope..

 

[Sarniaroses]

An aneurysm burst in my husband's brain in December 2006. It has left him with substantial brain damage. I did ask the doctors to pull his life support when they predicted he would be left drooling in a nursing home if he had lived. I knew he wouldn't want to live if he couldn't do all the things he did heretofore. He had a MENSA level intelligence and has four degrees including a Ph.D. However he has made a much better than predicted recovery, but on his bad days it is like living with a person with mild dementia. I still wonder if it would have been better if nature had taken its course. Neither of us relish the fact I am his carer, that certain je ne sais quoi has gone from our marriage. But I married the man for better or for worse and I will stick to my marriage vows.