Career before children

[Kgreg]

I came across this exerpt from a book by a very high-achieving woman who has undergone extensive and expensive fertility treatments in order to have her first child in her early middle years.

You know the advice handed out to our generation was very problematic. We were told: "Do what men do. Work your tail off until you're established in your field. Sacrifice what you need to for your career." But now I think, if you want children, "cloning the male, competitive model" doesn't work.

I'm forever telling my women students: Don't be afraid of letting go of a half-built career. We are smart, well-educated and life is long. Career opportunities can be recaptured. Don't waste that small window of fertility. Don't live to regret not having had a child.1
​

Sylvia Ann Hewlett. Creating a Life: Professional Women and the Quest for Children. 2002. Talk Miramax Books. New York


This is not a gay marriage thread. This is about women who choose to delay having children in order to pursue a career.

Christian married couples (the CF definition of marriage is one man and one woman) are commanded to go forth and multiply, and given the Biblical prohibition of prel-marital sex, many Christians get married in their early 20s and have children during the woman's peak fertility years, 18 to 25 years old. Some, and many non-christian couples wait until well into their 30s or even 40s to have thier first child, knowing that they will be in thier 60s when thier children are in college.

Is is right for a woman to disregard her most fertile years in order to build a career and then risk infertility and birth-defects such as Down's Syndrome, in order to have career achievement?

 

[NothingButTheBlood]

I don't know if it's right or not but I wasn't comfortable having children until recently. I wanted to make sure I was spiritually where we should be as a married couple. I have had problems with pregnancy but they are not age related and most fertility problems aren't age related. If God wants us to have children earlier he would give them to us.

The be fruitfull and multiply was when there were far less people in the world. I don't think God expects everyone to still pop out kids for the sake of it.

 

[kopilo]

I believe the basis of having children should always start off with an 'if' question not a 'when' question.

Also there is no point in someone having children early and regretting 'missing out on life'.

 

[Autumnleaf]

I think having children and raising them to be Godly people is the purpose of marriage. So this makes me inclined to think the wife or husband should stay home with the children while the other works to support the family.

 

[flicka]

Yes, its fine to wait on haivng kids. It's fine to not have them at all. Everyone gets to make their own choices and a side effect of that is dealing with consequences, whatever they are.

 

[wanderingone]

I find no moral or ethical dilemma about choosing to pursue specific goals (career goals, travel goals, humanitarian goals whatever..)before purposefully pursuing parenting.

I don't think having children because when you're 60 you may regret that you didn't is a great reason to have them.

Choosing when and if to parent is a private family affair.

 

[hernyaccent]

I think it's better to wait and have children. I was raised by my grandparents who were almost 40 when I was born. I saw the difference between my life and those whose parents were in their 20's. They didn't have to struggle as much and were able to focus more on me then my friends parents. This has always driven me to want to have children in my late 30's. I believe that is the age will I will finally be able to provide my future children a better life then the one I had.

 

[NateBlack]

This is not a gay marriage thread. This is about women who choose to delay having children in order to pursue a career.

Christian married couples (the CF definition of marriage is one man and one woman) are commanded to go forth and multiply, and given the Biblical prohibition of prel-marital sex, many Christians get married in their early 20s and have children during the woman's peak fertility years, 18 to 25 years old. Some, and many non-christian couples wait until well into their 30s or even 40s to have thier first child, knowing that they will be in thier 60s when thier children are in college.

Is is right for a woman to disregard her most fertile years in order to build a career and then risk infertility and birth-defects such as Down's Syndrome, in order to have career achievement?

Actually, you yourself have tied the gay marriage issue to your question.

The biblical admonition to "go forth and multiply" is a part of the "Great Flood" story from Genesis 9. God sends a flood to cover the earth and kill every living person & animal, except for Noah & his three sons and their wives.

After the flood dries up, God tells them to go multiply... after all, it's their job to re-populate the earth.

Poplutating the earth is hardly a worthy justification for marriage and it is especially absurd to deny glbt families marriage protection because they are not going to "populate the earth."

If you want to make it easier for women to have children in their younger years--if they WANT children, then you should be addressing the reasons women give for postponing giving birth.

You certainly shouldn't sit in judgement of a woman's choice to wait.

 

[NothingButTheBlood]

I think having children and raising them to be Godly people is the purpose of marriage. So this makes me inclined to think the wife or husband should stay home with the children while the other works to support the family.

My husband and I both have to work. We have a Christian sitter for that reason.

 

[Kgreg]

Actually, you yourself have tied the gay marriage issue to your question.

The biblical admonition to "go forth and multiply" is a part of the "Great Flood" story from Genesis 9. God sends a flood to cover the earth and kill every living person & animal, except for Noah & his three sons and their wives.

After the flood dries up, God tells them to go multiply... after all, it's their job to re-populate the earth.

No, I did not.

Poplutating the earth is hardly a worthy justification for marriage and it is especially absurd to deny glbt families marriage protection because they are not going to "populate the earth."

This OP has nothing to do with homosexual marriage. Any attempt to make it so is disingenuous, at best.

If you want to make it easier for women to have children in their younger years--if they WANT children, then you should be addressing the reasons women give for postponing giving birth.

Anyone who is honest recognizes that I have given women the opportunity to speak for themselves.

You certainly shouldn't sit in judgement of a woman's choice to wait.

There is no judgement in my OP, all honest people recognize that.

Kgreg's comments in blue.


BTW, THIS IS NOT A GAY MARRIAGE THREAD. It's about the choices married couples (CF define marriage as one man and one woman), Christian and non-christian, make regarding having children.

 

[christalee4]

I waited until I was 30 before I had my son, and I don't regret it. I then went back to work for four years, stayed home for another five years, went back to work again for another three, and now work out of home, now that my son is a teen. It has worked out well - I find that the best time to be more available for one's children is when they are older. They really need one's guidance during the later elementary school, middle school and early high school years. I have been extraordinarily lucky that way.

If women are called to get married young and have lots of children, more power to them. Some women are not. And there should be no social, religious or familial pressure on women to have children early, and lots of them. Just because one is born a woman, doesn't automatically make one a good mother.

 

[beechy]

I don't see any problem with waiting to have kids until you're in your 30s. I went straight from high school to college to graduate school, finally graduating when I was 24. If I were to have kids during the "most fertile" 18-25 window, I would have barely been able to have begun my career, let alone give it up "half-built" as the excerpt put it. For me, giving up a half-built career would mean giving it up in my early 30s. When education takes this long (and I was a bit fast tracked ... most people who followed my path were at least a year or two older at graduation, even if they had gone straight through) the trade off is not just career vs. kids, it's education vs. kids.

 

[Bananafish]

Like most others in this thread, I don't see a problem with waiting a while to have kids. I went to college...why would I waste my education by not pursuing my career?

 

[Chajara]

What about simply doing the career thing and then adopting? Lots of kiddies in the foster care system, you know. And the best thing is, you can wait till you're 60 if you really really want to, especially if you're fostering older ones.

 

[TooCurious]

People should have kids when they're ready, and not before. If a parent feels like s/he has missed out on some important part of his or her life by having children, even if that feeling is unconscious, that's a recipe for a LOT of trouble.

 

[JulySheMustFly]

Choosing when and if you should have children is up to each person involved in the process. However, if you choose to wait to have children know the risks and don't let them frustrate you.

 

[theeyesoftammyfaye]

I think having children and raising them to be Godly people is the purpose of marriage. So this makes me inclined to think the wife or husband should stay home with the children while the other works to support the family.

man. somehow my parents both managed to work and raise three of us children pretty well. two of us in college, the other is going to start her senior year of high school in the fall. we've all somehow managed to keep our GPAs up, our noses clean, and we have a lot of things & opportunities we wouldn't have had had one parent stayed home. pretty amazing, eh?

 

[gwenmead]

I think it's up to any given couple to decide if and when they want to have kids.

Women have as much right to work on their career at any point in their lives as men do. If it means putting kids off, fine. It's one choice out of many that can be made.

 

[Archivist]

First, I agree with what has been said regarding the Biblical statement to "be fruitful and increase in number." You must read this in proper context. The complete sentence (from the NIV) is "As for you, be fruitful and increase in number; multiply upon the earth and increase upon it." These words are claerly addressed to Noah and his family, not an eternal commandment to all mankind. Further, today we find ourselves in a position where humans are living on all 7 continents. We are responsible for the elimination of many species of plants and animals and we are at the point where we might actually be changing the climate. Certainly at this point no woman should feel obliged to have many children or to have any children at all based on this one sentence.

Second, why does the OP ask only whether it "is right for a woman to disregard her most fertile years in order to build a career?" What about the husband? Today we assume that the natural order is for the man to go off to work while the woman stays home and raises the family. However, this model of family life only dates back to the 1800's. Historically both parents worked out of the home and were responsible for raising children. If they were farmers, all the family members (once they were old enough) would assist with the farming. The boys would help their father in the fields while the girls would help their mother with the kitchen garden. If they were shopkeepers, the whole family woud work in the shop. In addition grandparents and, perhaps, aunts and uncles might be living in the same house. To automatically expect that it is up to the woman to give up a career to stay home and raise children violates and order that existed for thousands of years.

 

[SallyNow]

Of course women should wait until they are ready to have kids. So should the man!

Just think if someone started suggesting men should go straight into college, not any summer breaks, and get their college education in 3 years so they can get to work and have kids? Or if it was said that no man except the most exceptional should go to school past 16, so they can go ahead, marry, and have kids?

Or what if we decided to go back to a more traditional lifestyle-where men stayed at home and farmed? What if we recommended, on moral grounds, that all men work from home, except to kill - either hunting or in war.

Oh, but you say, men can always marry younger women. Except that men's sperm does indeed decrease in quality with time. And teenage pregnancy is not as safe as waiting until a woman is firmly in her 20's.

The error in thinking that women should have kids ASAP has been shown over and over again. Why repeat past mistakes...why not move on, let women start their careers, have children when they are ready, and live a life they choose?

Links:
http://mens-health-news-feed.com/art526424.asp
http://www.intelihealth.com/IH/ihtIH/WSIHW000/31697/25753/310396.html?d=dmtContent