Can't have babies...

[dusky_tresses]

I won't go into full details in this thread, but long story short, my "female parts" don't work well...and as a result, my doctor told me after various testing, ultrasounds, appointments, that my chances of conceiving are very, very slim. He even went on to say that if need be, they'd have to burn holes in my ovaries just to get me to ovulate!This is actually a problem that I've been having for years but wasn't able to get treated because I didn't have the proper medical care. Thankfully I do now.

I feel like this is a cruel joke honestly. I'm going to school for child development, I've worked with children almost my entire working life, I want to make a career out of it, etc...and now I can't flippin' have babies.

And what makes me feel even worse, is that I've been finding out that many people I know, went to school with, work with, etc. are popping children out left and right. Except for me. Even people who aren't married are having more children than I am!

I'll admit I am a little angry. I blame myself for not taking care of this sooner, but turns out even if I had wanted to get pregnant the minute I married I couldn't have because my body's chemistry's been off even well before that.

And this is going to sound extremely unChristian but whenever I hear about people blasting others about having lots of children ("lots" in this age meaning more than 3) I just want to smack them in the face for their impunity and thoughtlessness. Okay, I'm done being mean now

I honestly feel like crying sometimes. Just when my husband and I have reached a major and good turnaround in our marriage relationship, and I'm finishing college and will start working full-time, and my husband and I have starting talking seriously about building a family, this is what happens. What makes this worse was at a recent family function we attended, all everyone did was ask me when I was going to have a baby, and why haven't I had one yet, etc. Talk about insult to injury!

And my husband...well I don't think he's been handling this as well as he'd like me to think. He usually dismisses my concerns with an off-hand comment about how we "can always" adopt. As if it was just as easy as going to the grocery store and buying milk.

 

[PilgrimToChrist]

St. Gerard, pray for us!


I can't have kids either. I want kids, of course, and I try to spoil my little sisters' kids instead. But it's probably a lot worse when you are married than if you were single like me.

A couple at Church is getting ready to adopt a newborn as soon as they are born. It's a long, expensive process. But they are very excited and hopeful. I have two adopted cousins and I've had other friends that were adopted. It's something that is very good and very much needed.

There is also something to be said for spiritual motherhood and your work with children can definitely change people's lives, even if you never end up having kids of your own. This is something that I want to understand better, as it is something that was revealed to me even before I became a Christian -- this notion of spiritual motherhood. What is left really is for me to actually embrace it. Then I would probably be able to give you a better understanding of it.

May God grant you the peace you need to embrace this cross.

 

[Rhamiel]

May the Lord bless you and your husband

 

[Davidnic]

A few thoughts. First, I am sorry this is happening to you. That sorrow does not discount the possibility that you could conceive or the good and wonderful thing adoption is...but none of that softens the heartache you have right now.

My sister has some problems too and she had to have a hysterectomy while young. I know the sorrow she has even though she has been big sister of the year in her area with that program and she and her husband intend to adopt. So my deepest thoughts and prayers for the pain you feel.

My grandmother was told she could never have children and she did. Her mother and father were told they would never have children and they adopted then had one themselves. One of my brothers was adopted too, then late in life my mom had twins.

I do not or can not pretend to know what God has planned for you or why this is happening. You will be angry, that is going to happen. I can only say pray for a miracle but also try to discern the good that you can bring out of this with adoption if you want children, volunteering and other things. But that will take time. From the point of view of a husband and as someone with some psychology training I want to comment on your observations about your husbands feelings.

I can come at this in several ways but let me address it in the similarity to the reaction of a husband (the most common reaction) to a miscarriage or child death. At first that may seem an extraordinary connection but it is not. Both involve the loss of someone who was loved and hoped for before they were even born. As God knows us before we are even conceived, so to in a lesser way, does a parent have the shape of hoped for and loved children in their heart. In this way the psychological reaction can be similar, although there are differences.

All that said, the normal reaction for a husband (as much as there is one) is to seek to be strong and try to fix things as much as possible. They bury their pain and try to provide solutions or help. Sometimes this backfires horribly. A wife can feel that the husband does not care since they are not exhibiting any tangible amount of distress or sorrow. She may come to feel the man she married feels for the child lost or hoped and dreamed of as someone interchangeable...I think you may feel this way a little by your comment of: " As if it was just as easy as going to the grocery store and buying milk"

Very likely he is putting his feelings second right now. And it is possible he does not even realize he is doing it or how he feels in depth because the focus is on you. Many men feel, because society has taught them this...that they have no place to feel pain in a reproductive loss; be it sterility, miscarriage, still birth or child death. So the innate desire of a husband to protect and help runs into this modern thought that they are not allowed to feel this sorrow because they can not give birth and are somehow lesser in the reproductive equation. So it is possible you are right that your husband is feeling this more deeply and not expressing it or not letting it get to him yet (for the reasons above).

And there are times the wife will feel, even if she does not want to, that this is her loss. There are a lot of emotions at times in this that can make people respond in ways that shock even themselves. Both can feel the loss as parents and do. But at the same time we feel differently as Mother or Father and the process switches back and forth from mutual support of shared feelings to support of the other spouse in feelings the other may not get.

You have a few options on that. Above all, but with reason, compassion and proper timing; the two of you need to talk about it when necessary. Do not let it become a forbidden subject. It is a delicate one but it must be one that, when you can, you make a topic of conversation that is not skirted or avoided. If you pray together, do that. I can not stress enough the importance of spouses praying together if that is possible.

You can talk to him directly in the terms of...you know adoption is an option in the future and that is wonderful. Also prayer and hope for conception, even if medically remote is also possible. But at the moment you just feel really betrayed in a way, angry at yourself and God and feel the loss of potential that was hoped for. And if he feels that loss too, it is ok to talk about it if he needs to at some time.

My bet, and I do not know him or the situation so it is only informed by my personal experience and study, is that he is focusing right now on your loss and helping you and may not realize that on some level the suggestion to adopt (that he thinks provides hope) may seem to you casual and possibly dismissive of the loss you both have on your hands if you can not conceive.

Grief and sorrow are often about a loss and mourning of what we think should have been or hoped for. This is more severe the younger the death, the earlier the potential loss or in a later loss if there were unresolved issues. In the case of sterility people feel the death like loss of potential but often are told they are wrong; or personally feel wrong if they feel a grief and anger.

You are not wrong. You are going to feel a bunch of conflicting uncomfortable ways as you come to terms with this. My love and prayers and any advice I can give are with you.

 

[AMDG]

So sorry. and

 

[Fantine]

Is your gynecologist a specialist in the area of fertility? Although I am sure (s)he is well qualified, sometimes doctors with subspecialties in the area of fertility might know of new treatments that others aren't as familiar with.

Prayers for you and your husband.

 

[Tigg]

And it seems that everywhere you look, there are ladies pg or with newborns.

I know not what your future hold but may God be with you and your husband.

 

[Catherineanne]

I won't go into full details in this thread, but long story short, my "female parts" don't work well...and as a result, my doctor told me after various testing, ultrasounds, appointments, that my chances of conceiving are very, very slim.

I honestly feel like crying sometimes.

I think wanting to cry is a very normal, very sensible thing to do, in the circumstances. Who would not cry when their heart is broken?

You will be in my prayers, dt.

 

[Rebekka]

No advice to offer, just hugs.

 

[JourneyToPeace]

Hugs and prayers going out to you and your husband.

 

[JimR-OCDS]

Prayers for both of you !




God Bless
Jim

 

[Angeldove97]

I'm sorry for how you're feeling--- I will definitely remember you and your husband in my prayers.

Our God is a loving and merciful God-- so if He knows that you two are meant to be parents, then be faithful and know that He will bless you with children. Perhaps the children won't be your own by blood, perhaps you'll have the opportunity to foster children or adopt, or perhaps your work will even allow you the chance to lovingly help children grow into wonderful adults. There are many opportunities to help children--- it takes a loving community, not just a family

I already know that I might have difficulty getting pregnant--- the women on both sides of my family have had problems, so I'm just figuring that genetically I might have some issues too. But God has called me to be a science teacher in a lovely Catholic school and this year He has blessed me with 149 students. I do all I can to love each and every one of them-- I pray for them, I teach them about the Catholic faith (when its appropriate), and while they're in my classroom, I really believe they are my children. I call them my angels and you should see how their faces are so happy to hear that. I am fulfilled right now because my heart is overflowing with love for these children, while I still hold fast to the dream of one day being a mother of my own children.

But should God choose not to bless us with children, I know I can still continue to love children in my ministry role as a teacher. Perhaps He will bless you with such a role too in case you don't actually have any children of your own. It's a tough cross to bear and I'm sorry it's one you are having difficulty with--- I pray that you and your husband will learn how to carry it for the time being with hope and faith in Jesus Christ.

 

[Winter]

Dusky Tresses,

I wouldn't lose hope. I've heard of so many miracle stories out there. I'd research and even look into alternative, yes alternative, treatments for infertility. I heard that accupuncture has done some AMAZING things for the impossible. I think I understand what is going on (I know you didn't go into details) - but if its what I think it is, then do look into accupuncture. They can regulate the body to do things it couldn't.

And like Fantine said, seek others with subspecialties. Get another opinion on this.

I heard of a study that found a link between genetically engineered food (corn and potatoes) and infertility. So seek out of the box when looking at reasons/alternatives if you must.

I like to think there is always hope.

God bless.

 

[PilgrimToChrist]

I'm not sure if acupuncture does anything. Just don't go down the IVF road or other sinful solutions ~ you want to give life, not take it. Some people pour tens of thousands of dollars in fertility treatments and still have nothing to show for it.

Remember Hannah who prayed until God listened. Pray for God to show you the path you should take ~ whethwr it involves a miraculous cure for your physical difficulties, adoption, fostering, or something else. Be open to the Will of God in this, whatever His plan is for you and your husband.

 

[anawim]

I won't go into full details in this thread, but long story short, my "female parts" don't work well...and as a result, my doctor told me after various testing, ultrasounds, appointments, that my chances of conceiving are very, very slim. He even went on to say that if need be, they'd have to burn holes in my ovaries just to get me to ovulate!This is actually a problem that I've been having for years but wasn't able to get treated because I didn't have the proper medical care. Thankfully I do now.

I feel like this is a cruel joke honestly. I'm going to school for child development, I've worked with children almost my entire working life, I want to make a career out of it, etc...and now I can't flippin' have babies.

And what makes me feel even worse, is that I've been finding out that many people I know, went to school with, work with, etc. are popping children out left and right. Except for me. Even people who aren't married are having more children than I am!

I'll admit I am a little angry. I blame myself for not taking care of this sooner, but turns out even if I had wanted to get pregnant the minute I married I couldn't have because my body's chemistry's been off even well before that.

And this is going to sound extremely unChristian but whenever I hear about people blasting others about having lots of children ("lots" in this age meaning more than 3) I just want to smack them in the face for their impunity and thoughtlessness. Okay, I'm done being mean now

I honestly feel like crying sometimes. Just when my husband and I have reached a major and good turnaround in our marriage relationship, and I'm finishing college and will start working full-time, and my husband and I have starting talking seriously about building a family, this is what happens. What makes this worse was at a recent family function we attended, all everyone did was ask me when I was going to have a baby, and why haven't I had one yet, etc. Talk about insult to injury!

And my husband...well I don't think he's been handling this as well as he'd like me to think. He usually dismisses my concerns with an off-hand comment about how we "can always" adopt. As if it was just as easy as going to the grocery store and buying milk.

While I'm sure your doctor is top notch, have you looked into naprotechnology?
- Welcome to FertilityCare™ Centers of America
Raymond Arroyo interviewed a doctor one time who specialized in napro, and they have success rates, where other methods have failed.

Don't give up. If I had a dollar for everytime a doctor said to a patient, you won't conceive, but later did, I'd be wealthy.

There are some women who did give up and adopted, only to get pregnant soon after. Sometimes I think God has quite a sense of humor.

And last, but not least, read Wis. 3:13. It may be a comforting thought to keep in mind.

 

[princess_ballet]

I won't go into full details in this thread, but long story short, my "female parts" don't work well...and as a result, my doctor told me after various testing, ultrasounds, appointments, that my chances of conceiving are very, very slim. He even went on to say that if need be, they'd have to burn holes in my ovaries just to get me to ovulate!This is actually a problem that I've been having for years but wasn't able to get treated because I didn't have the proper medical care. Thankfully I do now.

I feel like this is a cruel joke honestly. I'm going to school for child development, I've worked with children almost my entire working life, I want to make a career out of it, etc...and now I can't flippin' have babies.

And what makes me feel even worse, is that I've been finding out that many people I know, went to school with, work with, etc. are popping children out left and right. Except for me. Even people who aren't married are having more children than I am!

I'll admit I am a little angry. I blame myself for not taking care of this sooner, but turns out even if I had wanted to get pregnant the minute I married I couldn't have because my body's chemistry's been off even well before that.

And this is going to sound extremely unChristian but whenever I hear about people blasting others about having lots of children ("lots" in this age meaning more than 3) I just want to smack them in the face for their impunity and thoughtlessness. Okay, I'm done being mean now

I honestly feel like crying sometimes. Just when my husband and I have reached a major and good turnaround in our marriage relationship, and I'm finishing college and will start working full-time, and my husband and I have starting talking seriously about building a family, this is what happens. What makes this worse was at a recent family function we attended, all everyone did was ask me when I was going to have a baby, and why haven't I had one yet, etc. Talk about insult to injury!

And my husband...well I don't think he's been handling this as well as he'd like me to think. He usually dismisses my concerns with an off-hand comment about how we "can always" adopt. As if it was just as easy as going to the grocery store and buying milk.

I'm so sorry sweetie. I'm praying for you and your husband.

And I don't know if it makes it worse or better, but after a miscarriage, they told my mom the same thing. And then she had 3 babies.

So, God can and does work miracles. There is a reason for this and it will be ok.

 

[servant of Merciful Love]

You will be in my prayers

 

[Virgil the Roman]

 

[Antigone]

That sucks, DT. Lots of hugs and prayers.

 

[dies-l]

To the OP: My wife and I have also been diagnosed with infertility. We have had our suspicions for several years, but we were formally diagnosed last summer. We were both pretty upset by it, but we have felt God's hand leading us in this time.

We have since felt called to older child adoption, and I believe that God is using our infertility to encourage us to be a blessing for a child who needs a family. We are currently in the adoption process now, and we hope to have a child by spring.

However, I understand that this is not the answer for all infertile couples. I would just encourage you to seek God's comfort, mercy, and guidance in this time. I would also let you know that, as dark as things seem now, you serve a God who has a plan for you and your husband and He will help you to recognize His hand in all of this. That said, grieving is important, and infertility is a loss that needs time for grieving and emotional healing. So, give yourself the time to do that. Prayers will be with you.