Can't get over it, hate myself!

[Pink_Lady]

Okay, I don't know even where to start. I was abused from the age of about 12-18. It was absolutely horrible--just makes me cringe even thinkin of it. What dimension to start on...hmmmm...

I feel so guilty complaining about my former abuser, since she is so good to me now. I have a good relationship with her now, we're more like friends now than mother-daughter, and I feel that for the most part, I've forgiven her, but I'm still deeply affected by the abuse. Did I mention I feel horrible and guilty for writing about this? But I just need to talk about this...The fact that to this day, she denied the abuse ever happened, makes me wonder if maybe I was the one over-reacting--maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought--ugh! I feel like I'm going crazy.

Okay, I'll start on this dimension. She herself had (and I believe still has) an eating disorder. She was convinced super-skinny is normal, and she'd make me step on the scale daily. She'd have punishments for me if I'd gain even a pound (my normal weight when I was like 12-15 was about 100-105 pounds). She'd not let me go with my friends, not let me be in extra-curriculars, and call me all kinds of names ("my little porker" was a common one), telling me she was embarrassed of me if I gained weight. And, if I dare took food I didn't have permission to take (even if a friend gave it to me), she'd punish me. She calculated my calories and limited me to 1500 calories per day. To put it short, to this day, at 24 years old, I still struggle with bulimic behaviors on and off. I won't even go to a doctor because I'll have to get on the scale.

There was also the social struggles. She'd refuse to let me go with any of my friends. She'd literally shelter me, but then when I wouldn't be invited to places (since people knew I couldn't go anyway), she'd blame me, tell me I'm worthless, I'm a social retard (sorry, I don't even like that word), tell me I'm never going to get it right. Because I didn't have a boyfriend, she thought I was defective, but she'd never let me even talk to any boy. This made me so insecure; peers thought I was weird, rejected me, ridiculed me, made me feel like I was worthless.

Then I met Jason. He, for some reason, was able to break my incredibly tough shell and I was able to let him in. With him, I found something I'd been deprived of all along: companionship, and then, eventually, a sense of love. My mom, however, didn't approve. Because his family wasn't wealthy, she thought he'd ruin my future. She had it in her that I was going to college, and I wanted to go, since that was my ticket to a better life. She forbade me to see Jason, even after I turned 18. If she caught me with him, she'd threaten disowning me, would kick me out short-term, taking away all the college money (they made too much for me to get financial aide). She'd manipulate all our relatives against me. That, then, was my dream--to get away, to get a better life. I was not going to leave Jason though--I felt like we truly connected--I actually felt loved and valued. We ended up sneaking around for over a year, and then when I did go to college, stayed together and got engaged.

When she found out we were engaged, she blew up. She turned all the relatives against me, threatened disownment. Then after a few months, completely changed her tune. Completely accepted him. Would not admit to her behavior whatsoever--she never disliked him or treated him bad (when she actually called him white trash and a loser to his face). Weird.

Jason and I are happily married now. I had since felt a calling from God that He can use my bad past for His purpose--I felt Him telling me that He didn't intend my pain, but He's not going to let it "just have happened" He's going to make good of it. I got my undergraduate degree in psychology, and am now in a counseling graduate program. I feel great compassion for those who've gone through similar struggles, and I feel it's my calling to use my pain, and insight gained from it, to help others.

I thought I was doing well, but now I'm needing a lot of encouragement. I guess I somehow hoped my pain would automatically disappear somehow. Not so. I feel so socially inept. I feel so worthless, like damaged goods. When I meet new people, I try to fake confidence, and I guess for some people I can fake it quite well, but I somehow feel as if people can see through, people just know that I'm "damaged," "broken," or "not normal." I have no problem talking to people on a social level, but it's SO hard for me to let people get closer. In the past, I've noticed, when people do get close, they end up seeing my pains, and they think I'm too "whiney," have too much "baggage" and "complain too much." They slowly pull away from me. That's worse, since I'm left hanging--no closure. I feel so defective. I've basically been conditioned that the "perfect person" is always happy, social, etc., never has problems.

I just wish I could trust people and let them close to me. Nowadays, whenever the slightest thing happens, such as a perceived slight or being ignored, my whole past comes flooding back to me. One little sign of being ignored, and I think "Great job--you did it again. You suck at socializing--you scare people away. It's been that way for 24 years, and what makes you think it'll change? You'll never get it. Hmmm...why do you keep on living and putting yourself through misery like this? You should just be dead and put out of your pain." I was always considered socially awkward, never really fit in during childhood, got tormented and teased a lot. I still feel as if I don't fit in. Others wouldn't agree though--they say people like me, I fit in just fine; that they would've never guessed my pain, my past. I still don't feel like a normal social being though--I somehow feel as if people can see through me, or that if they don't now, they will someday, and once they know the real me, they'll run the other way like everyone else did.

I don't know where to go from here. I'm not giving up on my calling--I am a very emotional, intuitive person by nature, am very loyal, and when I do meet those few people with whom I can be real with, our friendship is as real as can be, very deep, long-lasting--those close to me say I'd be a wonderful counselor. I just want to overcome this internal suffering that I continue to have, as I realize that if I don't overcome it, it'll affect my future career a lot. Please pray that I'm able to overcome this internal suffering. Sometimes I feel I've overcome it, only for it to hit me hard, knock me over, and immobilize me when I least expect it--very emotionally exhausting, and makes me very discouraged, like I'll never get over it. I pray and pray, and it still keeps coming back.

 

[Aaliyah]

I am soooo sorry that this happened to you and that you are going through this. First of all, your mom is absolutely crazy. Do you still have her in your life?

Your mom emotionally and physically abused you. She restricted your calories when you were a growing child. I would definitely call that physical abuse. It's no wonder that you have all of these social insecurities. Your mother basically told you that you were not worthy of having any relationships with people. And the things she called you...oh my goodness I know that has to still ruminate in your mind to this day. How painful. Your whole story is just so horrible to me I'm just so sorry that you had to go through this tremendous amount of abuse.

I just went back and saw that you do still have her in your life. I think that might be perpetuating your pain, especially since she acknowledges none of the abuse. This cannot be healthy to have a relationship with someone who abused you so much and they don't even acknowledge it. It can't be helping your healing process. You will get through this. You have to have faith in God, He will get you through anything. Keep praying. Also, have you maybe gone to a counselor about this?

 

[myanchor]

How we love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. Get it, read it. Your mother is a controller.

You will be a great counselor, but you know even most counselors have a counselor too. They need that to deal with the junk that they are always hearing. Ask your teacher/advisor/mentor who he/she recommends for counseling you.

Oh yeah and welcome to the forums.

 

[Pink_Lady]

Thank you for the kind, supportive words, Aaliyah and myanchor. Yeah it's been rough--I have my good days and my bad days. Thankfully, as the years go on, my bad days are getting farther and farther apart. Though, sometimes, even when I'm having a good day, I'm functional, social, energetic...but somewhere those insecurities loom in the back of my mind--I just try to keep driving them down deeper. Then, out of nowhere, one little thing will happen , sometimes it isn't even anything major, and that'll trigger a bad day where I almost get the feelings with near the same intensity I had when I was going through the abuse. This not knowing when a bad day (or hour) will be triggered makes me anxious and out of control.

Aaliya--that is some insight that keeping her in my life may be perpetuating my pain. What does help, though, is that I live 5 hours away from her, and we see each other maybe every couple months. What's interesting is that, since having moved away from her and not seeing her as often, when I talk to her on the phone, we get along great. Trouble still happens, though, when we see each other in person. The first hour or so is good, but then she starts the same nagging. Rearranging my apartment, her same controlling tendencies, and that leaves me frustrated.

Her thing is, and always has been "I just want the best for you." Confusing. Hmmm...maybe in her own way she does want what's best for me, but her controlling behavior (hence her own desire to be really skinny and having an eating disorder and relaying those feelings onto me, wanting me to be skinny too) resembles that she lives so much of her life through me--that she sees my "failings" according to her perception as a resemblance that she failed. Makes some sense, since much of this started when her relationship with my dad took a nosedive, my brother was overseas in the military, and she became unemployed--I was all she clung to for happiness. Not that I'm excusing her behavior, though--nobody deserves that, and I do not wish it on anyone. I just wish she would realize the extent of her behavior--so frustrating.

myanchor--yes, I have heard of many therapists having a therapist of their own. That's something I should definitely consider. I just feel I need to talk to someone about this--I feel if people knew, they'd be able to understand me so much better, and I'd feel more at ease. At the same time, I fear being looked at as broken or damaged, or having too much baggage (sadly, some people do run the other way when someone has "baggage"). I should definitely look into talking to someone on campus--hey, it's free for poor students like myself too.

I'll definitely continue to pray for my mother--for God to ease the pain she's going through in her life that may have made her act the way she did, for God to bring to light the extent her behavior affected me, and for her to come to him in repentence. I'm also going to keep my head up--I am having a better day today--yesterday was a particularly bad day. Now when I look at things big-picture-wise, I have been making progress. It's been slowly though, but I know that slow change is the most permanent change.

 

[Johnnz]

Bad times affect us inwardly, within our innermost being. When that happens we need some careful counsel from someone who understands and knows how to bring healing and resolution to those areas of our lives. The past does not automatically disappear. Events, memories, thought processes and emotional connections have been laid down over a period. They take time to understand and unravel with Jesus.

Do you know of anyone you who could fulfill that role for you?

John
NZ

 

[Criada]

In Britain, before you can qualify as a therapist you have to have been through over 100 hours of therapy yourself. I really would advise you to get some professional help, sadly things like this don't just 'go away', we have to work through them.
My mother was very similar to yours when I was a child.. still is, but I don't see her so often. It is very hard to believe that you are worth anything when you have spent years hearing the opposite.
But, sweetie, you are valued and precious, and you are worth the effort of trying to deal with the past. It won't be easy, but God is holding you, and He willget you through.

I am praying for you, please PM if you need someone to talk to

 

[ido]

I don't know if this will help you or not, but it helped me. I grew up in an abusive home. It was mild compared to what some suffer, but it was abusive all the same. My self-esteem has (and still does sometimes) suffered tremendously b/c of it. I was constantly told that I needed to lose 5lbs (I was thin). I was constantly compared to my older sister (the resident Golden Child). I am very strong-willed and my dad believed it was his duty to break my spirit. If verbal assault didn't break me, then he resorted to physical measures. Both of my parents were highly critical of the choices I made if they didn't align with their choices.

I have always had a very warped view of myself and my abilities, my appearance, etc. because of my childhood. I won't say it's ever gone away, but it does decrease as the years go by and I use the techniques I've learned to stop the negative self-talk that wages war in my head on a daily basis.

The biggest part of being able to overcome much of what I experienced was realizing that I needed to forgive my parents. I needed to realize that they did the best they could (they get very defensive when my childhood is brought up) - they gave the best they were capable of giving. Even if it fell short of the mark.

So, I chose to forgive them and let go of all of the hurt, resentment, anger, and insecurity that had built up in me over the years. This was made easier by resolving to be a better/different parent to my own children. After all, we either repeat the cycle or we break it.

For the most part it has worked. I still get frustrated with my parents b/c they're still controlling and insulting. But, I just remind myself that it's their issue, not mine. I am a much better mother, I think, because of it. I have very healthy, loving relationships with both of my sons. I affirm them often and show them options to the choices they're making - but allow them to learn through trial by error when it's safe for them to do so. Above all else, I do not criticize them - ever!

I struggle with social issues, too. I tend to assume that people will reject me for all the reasons my parents drilled into my head. I'm not this enough or that enough. But, what I have found is that people are not so quick to reject me when I take the chance and engage them. Of course, I still tend to sit back and observe people first. Intuition is a powerful thing b/c it helps me figure out who will most likely be trustworthy. Although, a few buggars (like my ex-husband) have gotten under my radar.

 

[ido]

Her thing is, and always has been "I just want the best for you." Confusing. Hmmm...maybe in her own way she does want what's best for me, but her controlling behavior (hence her own desire to be really skinny and having an eating disorder and relaying those feelings onto me, wanting me to be skinny too) resembles that she lives so much of her life through me--that she sees my "failings" according to her perception as a resemblance that she failed. Makes some sense, since much of this started when her relationship with my dad took a nosedive, my brother was overseas in the military, and she became unemployed--I was all she clung to for happiness. Not that I'm excusing her behavior, though--nobody deserves that, and I do not wish it on anyone. I just wish she would realize the extent of her behavior--so frustrating.

Yep. They love us and don't want us to fail and they think they have all the right answers on how we can succeed. I'm 35 years old and my mom still thinks she knows what's best for me or what is the best way for me to do something. Case and point - we talked over the phone this weekend and she was trying to tell me how to word my older son's birthday invitations. I sat there listening and thinking, "Really? He's turning 8 - I've handled creating every other invitation for the last 8 years all by myself. Why do I need her input?" But, she really thought she had the best way to do it. *sigh*

As I said in my other post, realizing that they do what they do out of "love" for us and fear of our failure is what helped me put it into perspective and forgive them. (And keep forgiving them every time they do something like that again).

 

[Pink_Lady]

flnativegirl--thank you for sharing your experiences and input. I'm sorry you had to go through it too. That's a very mature way to look at it--that they gave the best they could with the circumstances they were in, even if their best wasn't what one would deem ideal. I hear you on the warped view thing--for some reason, at times, I just feel so incompetent--maybe because during projects in middle and high school, my mom wouldn't even trust me to do them right, so she demanded that she write them for me, and if I didn't, I'd get the whole "Well, fine, I'm not doing anything for you ever again; you're so ungrateful; you'll get an F if you do it that way." It's so true that when we've been told things over and over again by people when we're young and naturally inclined to look up to them for answers, it gets deeply ingrained in us that we truly believe it. Then, when we're set on our own in adulthood, it takes awhile to pick up the pieces, so to speak, and it's encouraging to hear that you've worked through this and have adjusted well.

The whole forgiveness thing is so true. I think I have, for some part, forgiven her, since I'm able to look at what happened from her situation (plummeting marriage, dad's addictions, brother's absense, her unemployment, her own eating disorders) and I am a little more at ease with her actions. I talk with her, and we do have some good times when we see each other (minus the controlling behavior that she still somewhat exhibits). I'm not so much angry anymore as I am untrusting of people in general and untrusting that I'm a worthy person. I wonder--is it true forgiveness if I'm still being affected emotionally today, even if I'm not so much angry at her?

Thank you for sharing that you're a much better parent because of this. So many people emphasize the negative outcome--being just like your parents, but the positive needs to be mentioned too, and not that I wish abuse on anybody, if this is a great thing that God used to make good out of the situation, then more glory to Him! And another thing he did to bring some good out of a bad situation--you mentioned intuition--oh yes, I too have a lot of it. I don't know how to describe it, but sometimes I can just sense certain vibes from people I don't really know, and many times, my intuition turns out correct.

Criada--thank you for your kind words. When I think about it, it does make sense that when you mentioned in Britain, before someone becomes a therapist, he/she needs to get 100 hours of therapy himself/herself. All of us have some issues to work through, and working through them helps one become a better counselor, plus I think it's a good idea that counselors get a taste of what therapy's like from the client's point-of-view. I talked to my school counselor when I was in high school--he was great--although he wasn't able to change what my mom was doing (and I didn't tell him everything then--I knew legal forces would step in--I guess I was paralyzed by fear of change), but he helped me cope when I was still living with her. I haven't seen anyone in a long time, but if I'm still having these recurrent "bad times" like this, it'd be beneficial. Now to find time between my school and two part-time jobs...

 

[ido]

Pink - I will tell you that I am 35 now and it wasn't until my mid-20s that I really started to understand and begin the forgiveness process. And it is a process. It certainly doesn't happen overnight and comes with its own set of "one step forward, two steps back" progress.

Forgiving her and being able to re-train your brain from the lies and negative self-speak that you are so used to and turn it into positive, healthy dialogue is not an easy task. I don't think it means that you haven't forgiven her because you still struggle with trust issues. How can we NOT struggle with trust issues when the very people (or person) who was supposed to protect us and be our cheerleader (while correcting us in a firm and loving manner when necessary) turned out to be the people who tore us down the most?

Be patient with yourself. God isn't finished working on you yet. When I identify a weak spot like that in myself, I hand it over to God in prayer (sometimes, I have to keep handing it over until I actually let it go ) and ask Him to work on that aspect of my life. Sometimes the growth is easy, sometimes it is difficult and painful. But, He gets me through it every time.

I will be in prayer for you that God will be at work on the areas that need it the most in your life.

 

[myanchor]

I second flanativegirl's post. Our parents do the best they can in their own brokenness. They may have limited toolsets to deal with their own hurts, and those hurts overwhelm them and they act out. They may have limited ways of expressing their own emotions and they most likely have limited toolsets to raise children. Forgiving your parents for their messups is one of the key things in removing the chains they put on you when you were under their authority. Definitely read the How we Love book. It will give you a lot of perspective about your parents and you will understand them better. And with the understanding will come healing.