Cannot find my way back

[TragicKingdom]

It has been such a long time, but I still cannot find my way back to his grace. I fell hard almost 8 years ago when I lost my family and I still cannot find my way back to God. I thought that all I needed was time to heal, so I could trust Him again, but I have yet to find my way and continue to wander through the proverbial wilderness that is my life. I know he is there, and I have faith in who he is, and what he has done for me. But when my strength was not sufficient, I looked to him to protect me and save me from the enemy, and when I felt abandoned, I did not have the will to continue.

Many here prayed for me for years, and I have grown strong enough to stand once more, but still cannot find the strength to find my way back to my creator. It is a true feeling of oppression and depression not being able to be close to my God. But I just do not know how to move beyond my mental limitations allow me. I have lost so much, and I fear to allow myself to be humble and weak again, as I was barely able to survive before and fear for my sanity to walk that road again. I feel like a tightrope walker with no net, but it is still better then I felt when I was free falling waiting for the bottom to meet me.

Is it worse to know God and love him, but not be with him, then to never have known him at all and not know what is missing from your life? There used to be a word for people who left God, they called it backsliding, and I could never fathom how people would want to leave him. And yet I do not think I slid anywhere, I lost no faith, no Love, no desire to be with him, I just lost the ability to handle the walk after feeling alone at the time I needed him most. I feel like I ran the good race, I fought the good fight, and I lost. I gave all I had in me, and got up as many times as I was able, and now that I think that I have rested enough to maybe take a few more steps in this race, I cannot find the course, the road is not before me and it is so very sad to my soul. If anyone has the words that God is needing me to hear, please share.

Sorry this is so long and rambling, it is akin to my soul, unsteady and drifting. Thanks to all who take the time to read this, may you be blessed.

 

[orangeness365]

I can't pretend to know how you feel after having lost your family. It sounds like a lot of torment. The closer you draw to God, the closer he draws to you.

James 4:8
English Standard Version
Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.


Keep praying and reading your Bible to be close to God. I think you feel hopeless. Typically in order to get companionship, Christians go to church, not that I'm one to talk, cuz I only watch church sermons online, I don't have fellowship with Christians outside of my family. You can still run the race, cuz you're still alive, and it sounds like you care about being close to God. I'm not sure what you mean by not being able to find the course. I think if you read the New Testament, you'll get an idea of what the course is, especially if you read what was written by Paul. It's hard to not know there is something missing in your life. Lots of people, even while not being Christian, feel a void in their life without Christ. I know while I was an atheist, I would still pray just in case there was a God, but I felt a huge void in my life without Christ.

 

[TragicKingdom]

Thanks orangeness, appreciate the words of encouragement.

 

[orangeness365]

your welcome

 

[Tigger45]

May the Spirit of the Lord be upon you.

 

[Bluelion]

It has been such a long time, but I still cannot find my way back to his grace. I fell hard almost 8 years ago when I lost my family and I still cannot find my way back to God. I thought that all I needed was time to heal, so I could trust Him again, but I have yet to find my way and continue to wander through the proverbial wilderness that is my life. I know he is there, and I have faith in who he is, and what he has done for me. But when my strength was not sufficient, I looked to him to protect me and save me from the enemy, and when I felt abandoned, I did not have the will to continue.

Many here prayed for me for years, and I have grown strong enough to stand once more, but still cannot find the strength to find my way back to my creator. It is a true feeling of oppression and depression not being able to be close to my God. But I just do not know how to move beyond my mental limitations allow me. I have lost so much, and I fear to allow myself to be humble and weak again, as I was barely able to survive before and fear for my sanity to walk that road again. I feel like a tightrope walker with no net, but it is still better then I felt when I was free falling waiting for the bottom to meet me.

Is it worse to know God and love him, but not be with him, then to never have known him at all and not know what is missing from your life? There used to be a word for people who left God, they called it backsliding, and I could never fathom how people would want to leave him. And yet I do not think I slid anywhere, I lost no faith, no Love, no desire to be with him, I just lost the ability to handle the walk after feeling alone at the time I needed him most. I feel like I ran the good race, I fought the good fight, and I lost. I gave all I had in me, and got up as many times as I was able, and now that I think that I have rested enough to maybe take a few more steps in this race, I cannot find the course, the road is not before me and it is so very sad to my soul. If anyone has the words that God is needing me to hear, please share.

Sorry this is so long and rambling, it is akin to my soul, unsteady and drifting. Thanks to all who take the time to read this, may you be blessed.

Hi friend.

I got news for you, if you got saved, your saved and you no longer can walk away from God, your free will is Gone, you belong to God. Get it?

You may think you brought your self out of this suffering but it was not you but God. God has been helping you. Loving God and being humble does not mean being weak. God has been providing for you, remain humble because pride and arrogance before a great fall. You only need to look around to see God working in your life. Surrender to God let him shape you, He has plans to prosper you and not to harm you God says.

Praying for you

 

[MadamImAdaminChrist]

Hey Tragic,

I know the feeling of being burned by my faith, putting all my hope in that God would heal me, only to have my life fall apart. It is really hard. I, too, thought I had given my all and lost.

I take baby steps. Or I would like to take baby steps. I am TRYING to take baby steps after treading water for so, so long. I get discouraged easily. But slowly, and surely, I have seen progress in my walk.

What have you tried? Has anything helped or hurt? I don't believe for one second that God has abandoned you, though I am sure it feels like that sometime.

 

[ToBeBlessed]

Your life and struggle have really touched my heart. Your right, it is hard, very hard to find your way back.

Can I ask you if you wish now that you never would have left? I only say this because it must have been horrible to go through all that pain without God. I've been angry at God before, really angry. And with respect, I told Him how I felt. Did you do that? Talk to God about it and tell Him how you felt or did you just turn away?

In my situation, somehow, it did help to tell God that I was angry and hurt. It helped to tell Him that I felt let down maybe even abandoned. Why I say that is because I too suffer from acute depression and anxiety disorder. A friend, actually a friend here on CF was talking with me about agony. Not just hurt, but agony. What he said that was sometimes we really needed to cry, just let it all out. Just feel all that pain that we've been bottling up inside of us and just cry. Now at first, I thought well I don't know that seems a little stupid. This cry, cry, cry and just feel, it and let it out. But do you know what? It was one of the most cleansing things that I had done deeply for my soul in a long time. And as all of those tears were flowing I was talking to God. Once I got past my anger and started to feel, the anger passed and I eventually just let loose and just poured out every feeling I was feeling. If someone had heard it aloud, they might think 'Wow, she is sharing all this stuff with God, but doesn't He already know that?'. Well yes He did, but it felt so, so good to just tell Him. There is something about doing the telling and feeling the pain and having the tears and in the agony of the next two hours I let it go. I didn't realize it until the next day, but I did feel so much better. I had kept it 100% with God and then my subconcious let it all go.

Do you think that might work for you? I think it would. Clear it all up with God. Start with 8 years ago and just go through each 3 months. Tell Him it all. When you were lonely, how you wanted Him in your life but you were frozen with fear of trusting Him again.

He knows it all already, but the telling and feeling and crying will help YOU get it OUT of YOU.