Can this relationship ever work?

[dvm3]

A couple days ago my girlfriend of 2 months admitted she cheated on me about a week ago with her ex. Needless to say, I'm devastated. Our relationship has been getting stronger everyday so I'd never imagine something like this happening. I'm a Christian who's saving himself for marriage and she is not a believer yet but has been taking all the right steps to become one including surrounding herself with more Christian friends. She has a sexual history and knows what she did was terrible but says she just couldn't fight the sexual temptation. She wants to take some time to get her head on straight and get over her problem because she really wants our relationship to work. She also took the step of asking a mutual friend to be her accountability partner and told me all contact with her ex will be cut off.

I have already told her I forgive her because I could see she regretted it and showed signs of wanting to change. Reading scripture made the decision to forgive easier. I too still want this relationship to work out. Obviously the trust factor is no longer at 100%. I have been praying about it and will continue to do so but am I just setting myself up for more disappointment or is it possible for us to work through it?

 

[Dawn Marie]

I'm sorry you've been hurt. I can't imagine how hard that would be. But I have to say, dvm, that it's definitely possible to work through it, if you both really want it. Cheating is a horrible thing... a lot of couples don't make it through stuff like that. But if you guys really love eachother, I think you can make it. Forgiveness is the key. Try to trust that she won't do it again.

 

[Warrior Poet]

I have already told her I forgive her because I could see she regretted it and showed signs of wanting to change. Reading scripture made the decision to forgive easier. I too still want this relationship to work out. Obviously the trust factor is no longer at 100%. I have been praying about it and will continue to do so but am I just setting myself up for more disappointment or is it possible for us to work through it?

Im sorry that you had to go throught that bro. The trust factor being at 100% is the key argument here.....building trust is something that takes time, destroying it takes a blink of the eye, which is why it makes it essential to a relationship and a even bigger factor in recovering from cheating.....I cheated on my long time girlfriend in HS a lot...only one time did I ever admitted to it .......nothing was ever the same, but that was our situation. So can this realtionship work yes....IMO should you continue with it No at least dont persue it to a full extent....take a step back and really evalute where this relationship is going and more so where its taking you. Forgiveness is key but for it to flourish, the realtionship, forgetting will be even bigger. Its situations like this that are "life lessons"....its now what you do after learning this lesson that defines you as a person. She also needs time to herself if she cant fight the temptaion maybe she isnt ready for a committed realtionship, dont turn your back on her and leave her out to dry but dont be a doormat either...a fine yet disticnt line.

Either way good luck to you my friend....

Warrior Poet

 

[omerese]

can this relationship work? yes it can. obviously she is sorry, what she needs most now is your support. delve into the scriptures together. but she must be able to build her resistance next time she sees her Ex bcos if you all live in the same town, they are likely to run into each other now and again. be her pilla of strenght.

 

[msjones21]

She's not a Christian.
She can't control her sexual urges.
She cheated on you with her ex.

No, I honestly do not think you should allow this relationship to continue. Even if you two got married and she never cheated again she has defiled your marriage bed and cheapened what the two of you should have (if you were to marry). She's not a believer and that's the biggest problem, everything else just stems from that. She cheated and told you it's because she can't control herself sexually, but that she's really sorry. She cheated on you to "get you back" for striving to maintain your sexual purity. If she's un-saved and has uncontrollable sexual desires then I'm certain she finds your "waiting" to be unacceptable and the only way to A) Get her "fix" and B) try and make you feel threatened enough to have sex with her was to cheat. And she didn't even cheat witha random stranger but an ex whom she has a history with. This is unacceptable. God is already showing you He will not bless this union. Thank God for showing you that this is not a relationship that will bring honor to Him before you committed yourself to a lifelong marriage.

Bottom line, she needs to be out of your life. She's unsaved, she's promiscuous, and she's been unfaithful. She would do that to you if you were married and she will bring you down. Get out while you still can.

 

[dvm3]

Thanks for all the comments and suggestions so far. It definitely helps.

 

[RadG]

She's not a Christian.
She can't control her sexual urges.
She cheated on you with her ex.

...

Bottom line, she needs to be out of your life. She's unsaved, she's promiscuous, and she's been unfaithful. She would do that to you if you were married and she will bring you down. Get out while you still can.

If I hadn't of noticed that in dvm's post that his girlfriend was a seeker I would fully agree with you, but think if Jesus was willing to forgive that woman at the well for her sins (which was being promiscuous), shouldn't we do the same. Also not everything that happens is directly God's doing, take a look at the book of Job, the devil will do things to people, cause temptation especially when they becmome a threat to him (a seeker could easily fall into that catagory). And a seeker being tempted would fall easier that a more mature Christian since they do not fully have the faith. I also wouldn't pass quite the judgement on this relationship that you have because from the post I got that the girl is a seeker and something inside her told her that what she did was wrong (which is not something the world believes), God is probably working but not exactly in the way that you claim he is, I look at it as maybe he wants them together to help her come to know the Lord. I am sory if I steped on your toes too hard but the way your post sounded was that she is an unbeliever and that means she will never be a believer and if that is what you meant just remember that your future mate was once an unbeliever and I am sure that you were once an unbeliever too, because at one point in time all of us Christians were once seekers until the truth was taught to us.

RadG

 

[msjones21]

The Bible says not to be unequally yoked. Why is that so difficult for people to understand? That means you don't date or marry non-believers for reasons just like this among many others. God wouldn't have said that in His Word if He hadn't been serious about it. I'm not saying to cut her off and never so much as speak to her again, but if she's not a Christian he has no business being in a relationship with her because that is what God says...I didn't just make that up. Some people say "well maybe she'll come to know the Lord"...let's be realistic, they usually don't because they drag down the believer before the other person will come to know Christ. You should never ever date someone outside of God's will in hopes of them becoming a Christian. Witness to them, pray for them, invite them to church but you don't date them and to sit around hoping that they will get saved is unwise and it goes against the Scriptures. If someday the girl gets saved and they are both still single and it is God's will for them to be together then I say great! Go back to one another and see what happens, but a Christian dating a non-Christian is a disaster waiting to happen. She's already broken his spirit and trust by cheating on him. Cheating doesn't just ruin trust either, it hurts the other person's self-esteem. She may even jeopardize his sexual purity because she's living for sin and can't control herself. Why should he stay with her? So that she'll become a Christian? Sorry, it doesn't work that way or God's Word wouldn't say not to be unequally yoked. Period.

 

[erinm]

wow,

everyone deserves second chances, especially non-believers. i have received many chances and God has forgiven me for all of my mistakes. Actually, a christian sinning is worst than someone who does not know God at a personal level.

also, sexual impurity is a sin. A sin is a sin according to Gods eyes and if we ask for his forgiveness and ask forgiveness of those we have hurt and try(sometimes we fall because all of us are human) to walk away from the wrong, God will bless us. by the way, a christian does not always live according to God's plan...
i know a handful of christian friends that have not remained pure and haven't yet to make that submission to God.
As for the unequally yolked. the bible does tell us to marry believers. without going about the missionary dating that is not a good idea, the both of you can rebuild a friendship and trusting one as friends. Seek Gods will and allow her to have a relationship with the lord. You can witness to her outside of a romantic relationship, treat her like a sister, in christ.

If this relationship is meant to become more and you feel God has brought you together, then pray and pray about it until he reveals clearly what you are to do. I don't think God calls us to completely erase all relationships with nonbelievers. she came into your life for one reason or another, you can't help that.

I am not trying to say here that you should take her back as a girlfriend right away, being that she isn't a christian. but i do think she is trying to become a believer, help her with that, we should all have open arms to those who don't believe in God. Also, if you have any christian girl--friends, she could get in with them and have examples to live by.

if anything, seek God's will and pray about it. Time will only tell.

 

[SirFei]

I will also say sorry for the hurt you feel, my friend. But there is encouragement if she (your girlfriend) does commit to build again up the relationship you two once had.

I think it's great she has decided to have an accountability partner to help her along the way, but do not take this meaning you can slack. She will need you now more than she probably ever has. In her progress in becoming a Christian, you will need to show your love not only as her partner but as a God loving Christian. Try daily devotionals if it will help.

God says that we are to marry other Christians and not non-Christians. This is very important because it is easier for you to fall down to her level than for her to climb to yours. This is where I will urge you to be the most cautious. It is a great thing to have her accept Christ into her heart and mean it without a doubt, but be careful that she does it for herself, not for you. Also, if she seems resistant to believe Christ died on the cross to pay for all those sins, including her sexual past, it may be wise to leave her and give her space till she does become Christian.

Good luck, my friend. It will be a long journey, but as long as you show love as a Christian, things for her and yourself will be easier. God bless you.

~Marc

 

[charligirl]

The question about christians and non christians dating is being discussed in this thread: http://www.christianforums.com/t72079

In general I think it's not advisable, scripture clearly tells us not to be unequally yoked. Yes they MAY get saved as a result, and God works in all situations but I don't think that is God's perfect plan... or he would have said, 'be unequally yoked as it's a witness to the unsaved and by this they will come to know Me'.

CAn this relationship work? the answer is maybe, if two people are determined they can do anything..... Should you be pursuing it in the first place? perhaps not.

 

[Misti]

I may just be 17, but something like this happened to me. My ex Boyfriend, David, was in love with my best friend Dacia for like 4 years. We were dating for almost 2 months when he wrote Dacia a Note syaing "I can't tell Courtney I love her becuase I am still in love with you..."
yeah...I read the note and I couldn't stop crying. But seeing the hurt in David's eyes when he talked me...telling me he prayed for so long to get over dacia and that he wanted me to be there with him. I couldnt break up with him. I loved him. The trust was never at 100% again either. That's what made him break up with me. He said I was jealous of Dacia. (This was um....5 months after the note...) Well, he did talk to her more than he did to me. He just never understood why I got upset when he talked to her more than he did to me. okay getting off topic. The relationship David and I had after the note was very strong. We went through some hard times...and he was there. Wasn't always the best guy, but he was there. Pray about it. I know temptation is hard to fight off. with an Ex or the guy/girl youre with. Prayer is always the best answer. Then talk to her. or something like that...
best of luck to ya!

 

[Misti]

In general I think it's not advisable, scripture clearly tells us not to be unequally yoked. Yes they MAY get saved as a result, and God works in all situations but I don't think that is God's perfect plan... or he would have said, 'be unequally yoked as it's a witness to the unsaved and by this they will come to know Me'.

Oh Ho! I, the amazing 17 year old, has found a Scripture that states other wise...

1 Corinthians 7

12To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
15But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

If she stays...keep her. if she leaves, let her go. yay! go me! *does a happy dance*

 

[charligirl]

Oh Ho! I, the amazing 17 year old, has found a Scripture that states other wise...

1 Corinthians 7

12To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
15But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

If she stays...keep her. if she leaves, let her go. yay! go me! *does a happy dance*

Sorry to disappoint, but if you study this scripture it is addressing a situation where people who have become christians AFTER marriage are in a dilemma about what to do... should they stay with their unbelieving spouse or not.

The only circumstance of breaking the marriage is if they are not able to accept their spouses new faith then they are free to go.

 

[Warrior Poet]

So we cant apply this to other parts of life where it is appllicable?

Warrior Poet

 

[dvm3]

Thanks everyone for the support. I have a lot to think about.

Right now I'm realizing her coming to Christ is the most important thing. Like I said earlier, she's was very close to doing that. She's visiting family out-of-state for a couple weeks so the time apart will be good I think. I agree with those that say dating a non-Christian is generally not a good idea. To be honest, I thought she already was when I first started seeing her. Through others, I found out she was seeking God before I met her so it makes me believe she is doing that for herself, not me.

We agreed to talk again after she gets back in town and see if we can try to make this work. I want for us to work through this and I'll offer her any support I can but if she's not taking the right steps to change, I'll have to end it. I'm won't be desperate and I won't date someone I wouldn't consider marrying.

If there's one positive in this, it's that I won't have to be watching anymore chick-flicks anytime soon. I'm way past my quota for the year.

 

[Warrior Poet]

If there's one positive in this, it's that I won't have to be watching anymore chick-flicks anytime soon. I'm way past my quota for the year.

Werd.......Theres always a positive.....this one is a plus too.



Warrior Poet

 

[desi]

We agreed to talk again after she gets back in town and see if we can try to make this work. I want for us to work through this and I'll offer her any support I can but if she's not taking the right steps to change, I'll have to end it. I'm won't be desperate and I won't date someone I wouldn't consider marrying.

dvm3, just wanted to pipe in. I've never met, or heard of, a cheater who only cheated once. Cheating while dating is usually a harbinger of what's to come should marriage happen. If you were my son or my friend I would encourage you to stay friends and drop all romantic involvement with this woman. People will say 'God can change anything' but don't forget free will is also the freedom to cheat.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Wow. That's hard.

I don't know you or her.

It sounds like the girl needs to drop dating for a while and get her head screwed on straight.

 

[dvm3]

Just to update, we ended the relationship. She told me the "I realized I'm not ready for a relationship" story and I basically agreed with her. It's tough but probably better that it ends now than being worse in the future. We talked about how we should stay friends and I told her she should still come to my New Year's Eve party. When she dropped by with a "friend" to the party, I'm not sure if even a friendship between us will be possible. I shouldn't make assumptions of who the guy was but as somebody else there told me, her showing up with some guy just didn't make her look very good. That comment made me wake up and realize I really don't want to end up with someone like that.