Thank you all for your responses.
Thess, can you explain what you mean by “that if someone hated their life so much so for my sake that they were willing to loose it, I would be amazed and honored. This demonstrates incredible trust, when you think about it! I mean, for a devout Christian to do such a thing requires remarkable trust”?
Do you mean willing to lose your body to be closer to God?
Yes, I was wanting to die because of two reasons:
1. I know God’s love like few have been able to experience.
2. God’s indescribable peace and love exposes the sin and wretchedness of mankind and it, at times, is almost unbearable.
So you can see that if I were to have taken my life, it would not have been because of self-hatred, but because of a small but true understanding of the actual, Almighty, Powerful, Creator of the Universe. Now when I mention “understanding”, I don’t mean that I became an instant scholar, quite the opposite, rather, this is a knowledge and understanding that any reasonable person would glean from an experience that could not be described accurately with human words and wisdom. No one could ever describe this Power that I had been blessed to experience, for it was equivalent to the power that would be required to literally part an entire body of water so that his chosen might live. In the moment, I spoke the words that [I somehow knew] that this quantitative amount of power that He allowed me to experience was equivalent to a mere flake of His skin. That’s incredible! I was consumed in His raw power that was completely founded in love and peace and there was nothing, absolutely nothing that could have even remotely harmed me. I also spoke the words that had I experienced even a little more of God’s power, I would have been physically harmed or altered in some way. This power….I cannot accurately describe with human words. So know that I am not smart nor do I think that I am anything great or special, rather, I just was awakened to very simple truths such as, God is extremely serious about us and I know that my entire life of suffering, and enduring it, will be a powerful tool to be used to expose the hypocrisy of the Christian church as we know it today.
Why do I say these things? To show the reality of my experience. I am completely changed by this Almighty Power. Now, having said all of this, why would I not want to go towards it? I feel exactly as the bible passages says, which is that we will hate our lives while in this place (paraphrasing). Exactly! I get it! People are absolute wolves here on earth and we love, LOVE hurting each other and putting each other down….good grief, look at what goes on in here, this forum!? If we can’t be loving and kind, in here, a Christian forum, then you instantly know what it’s like in the real world. And that means that it is absolutely about Dog-Eat-Dog in corporate life. And it’s no different in churches. My own mother and father paid the piano player at our church to take me when I was only 14 years old….a child! So every week I was ripped apart from my family, whom I adored with all my might.
When we are surrounded with this kind insanity, where mothers and fathers do not want to parent a child that loves them desperately, is not a good place to be. When this happens to a child, I assure that the child’s opinion is that life on earth sucks.
Gosh, do you see? When you know God’s indescribable love, only a NORMAL person would desire to go towards exactly that, while only a sick person would run and flee! Remember when Paul said that he wanted to go and be with Jesus in Heaven, but his flock needed him more? Same thing. As for me, because God saved me in the Arizona desert, saving me from certain death, then I know that I am loved. Period! I don’t need to doubt any longer. He loves me, and that’s it. I was a sinner, just not a great guy at all. And it was that day that I understood that God always, come on you guys, God ALWAYS uses sinners. So we don’t need to be ashamed anymore. We need to be responsible, yes, but we don’t need to be ashamed at all….anymore. Shame is, in this sense, the pit of hell itself. Shame will run us into the ground and shame will cause us to run others into the ground. So this Power allowed me to understand life, US, what is happening around us in a different way. And this, what I have just described, is the middle portion of my R12-2 experience. I believe that Romans 12:2 is not to be viewed as interesting literature. No. I believe that R12-2 is to be expected of every genuine believer. And if we cannot outline some point in time in which we can reference a complete and total shift in mindset and behavior, then we ought question ourselves and motives.
So again, you can see why I would not want to participate here on earth. I am stuck in the middle of Satan’s game and for the most part, I’m alone. I have no family or friends….have been completely rejected. Right. I have not one friend, but I have to carry on! I don’t care if they have abandoned me, for I am no longer afraid of what THEY think of me, no! I know that they are afraid of what I think of them….and that is a new and powerful position to be in, and I recommend that others follow this same mindset. And this is the mindset of Paul and Christ….for God taught me first and then confirmed it all through Scriptures. Unbelievable….I couldn’t believe it myself. And for the skeptics….I take no credit. Just an average guy that barely got through high-school. In fact, God somehow messaged to my mind that “I do not require you” just as He was saving me in His Powerful Grace. So the message is clear that I don’t think I’m anything great at all. Forgive me for that, but it is important as I’ve already received flack for a potion of this story. But, for your sake, I felt I needed to share with you this portion so that you might more understand the perspective of one that has actually wanted to “fly”.
And keep in mind, the truth is this….we just don’t know what this person was thinking in their minds when they decided to take their life. It is important to find a way to let go. I can assure you that God wants you to focus on those whom you can save today instead of those whom that are no longer here.
Answering these posts are why I’m here. Ask and I will do everything that I can to help.
Peace to you.
