Can I have some advice from you married folk?

[uniqute]

Hi eveyone

I've got a question, and I figured you married folk would be the best to ask!

This guy who I used to work with got made redundant the other day, it was a complete surprise to all of us, and he pretty much left without saying anything to anyone.

I get along well with this guy at work, and we swapped instant messenger addresses a while back as well (his idea, not mine). There have been a few times though when some of the commments he makes (in a joking way) are a bit inappropriate. He's basically a bit of a flirt, but I've made it pretty clear where I stand. He is also not a christian, he's married with a kid, and he's about 10 years older than me. I am a christian (obviously, or I wouldn't be posting here!), and I'm single.

Now, just to make sure I'm being clear - there is no way I'd ever consider getting involved with this guy. I would like to be able to be friends with him though. He wants to have lunch with me sometime, which seemed fine to me - but a couple of my friends have suggested that maybe its not a good idea.

So now I'm confused

What do you all think? Does it seem ok? Would you wives mind if it was your husband? Or would the husbands think it was ok for them? And if y'all think its better I dont go to lunch with him, how do you think I can best explain why?

Thanks!

 

[Flipper]

My husband and I have friends of the opposite gender. He works with mostly women, and I work for mostly men. It's bound to happen. However, while we might meet up with our opposite gender friend, there is always an open invitation for the other to join.

However, I was very naive at 23. Even if you make it clear that you aren't interested, a true womanizing pro will just ignore that because you are a challenge to him.

Since I'm not of the opinion that being alone with the opposite gender automatically produces sexual feelings, I would say go foward, but tread lightly and take out some insurance.

Let him call you. Make it after work and not during lunch. Insist that he brings his wife (if he can bring her during lunch, then make it lunch). If he can't bring her at the day you came up with, tell him that you'll meet with him when he can bring her. If he asks you why, tell him that it would make you feel more comfortable. If he hesitates, or if he comes up with reasons why he can't, or belittles you for thinking that way, then you know he's bad news, and get as far away from him as you can.

I'm all about networking. The last two jobs, I got from knowing people working there. One was a female, and another was a male. So, for those purposes, I wouldn't completely blow him off, if he is harmless. Still, you have to be smart and careful. If he respects you and his wife, he will respect your wishes.

 

[MagicStar723]

Well I'm not married but my boyfriend and I have this little thing we do. Whenever he wants to do something he thinks about how he would feel if I was doing the same thing, and vise versa. I personally wouldn't do it. You can be friends in a group your don't have to go solo!

 

[caednkat]

In that situation no I wouldn't be okay with my husband taking a women out to lunch.
There are women that we (my DH and I) are mutual friends with, but there is no way that he would go out to lunch or dinner with one of them alone. Nor would they go out with him alone.
Not that I don't trust my husband with them or that their husbands don't trust them with my hubby. But you can't safegaurd a marriage by acting that way.
Just to add there would be no way that my husband would consider going to lunch with a single woman even if she and I were best friends. There are some doors you just don't open.

 

[Peter]

I don't have friends of any gender. (Gender only applys to words, not people) I do have friends of either sex. It would be completely inappropriate for me to ask a female friend out to lunch (as a married man). This is what St. Paul talks about being above the suspision of evil.

My .02.

Peace.

Peter

 

[Mayzoo]

I have no problem with my husband having friends, and I don't list criteria as to who they may be, BUT I trust my husband and he deserves my trust. His conduct has at all times be above reproach.


Now this paticular guy you refer to as being a flirt is not a good start to a "friendship." I have never flirted with a "friend." It is just not done, it violates the definition of friendship.

My husband was my friend long before we discovered we were more than friends, so let me clear that up. We never flirted while we were friends. As our feelings changed...we simultaneously decided to pursue a relationship beyond friendship.

With this married man that is not an option. You may be perfectly happy to be his friend, but is he? I would recommend if you want to be his friend, start out doing activites together with his wife present so you can get to know her as well. Then if you are to do things alone together, you will be able to ask he if she has any problem with that.

 

[LiberatedChick]

Make it after work and not during lunch. Insist that he brings his wife (if he can bring her during lunch, then make it lunch). If he can't bring her at the day you came up with, tell him that you'll meet with him when he can bring her. If he asks you why, tell him that it would make you feel more comfortable. If he hesitates, or if he comes up with reasons why he can't, or belittles you for thinking that way, then you know he's bad news, and get as far away from him as you can.

I agree with this. I personally, would not feel comfortable with my husband meeting up alone with another woman, especially one I'd never met. Inviting his wife along too ensures that even if he did want to be flirty and anything more than friends he couldn't. Also the fact that you asked that he bring his wife along ensures that he knows that you don't want anything more than friendship. However, be careful that he doesn't just say he'll bring his wife and then turn up without her. If I was in your shoes I'd aim to be late so that he gets to the meeting point first. Then I'd be able to see if he was telling the truth and did bring his wife along. If he didn't, then he would have lied and I'd go back home without saying a word to him. That's what I'd do anyway.

 

[Flipper]

However, be careful that he doesn't just say he'll bring his wife and then turn up without her. If I was in your shoes I'd aim to be late so that he gets to the meeting point first. Then I'd be able to see if he was telling the truth and did bring his wife along. If he didn't, then he would have lied and I'd go back home without saying a word to him. That's what I'd do anyway.

That's a great idea too. The thing is you have to be in control of yourself and your enviroment. If you want to meet with him, it had better be on your terms only - don't settle for anything less. If he brings his wife, then all of this would be a non-issue.

The thing about the flirtiness, is that I know guys, who are Christians, married, and harmless, but some of their behavior could be called flirting, depending on who you are and what your comfort level is. Complimenting a new outfit is not flirting in my opinion, but some people might say it is, for example.

 

[Jenna]

My husband has one female friend, but whom lives in another state. The only way that I would be comfortable with him going out to lunch with her would be if her husband and myself were along for the trip. I can't speak for anyone else, but my husband has no business going out alone with another woman. I don't care if she is from work or a personal friend.

Many relationships start out in an innocuous way, but take a turn later on down the road. It's the same kind of thing that happens with internet relationships. It's seems fine until someone gets attached to someone that they shouldn't, or start taking it into a more intimate relationship. Even if it doesn't seem to hurt the single person, it could be wreaking havoc with the marriage of the other person. The wife may not know or feel comfortable about the relationship, let alone the meeting.

Yeah, be real careful. It's best not to get involved with married men. There is a whole 'nother set of dynamics that are at play, being that the person is married.

 

[Katydid]

I have to admit that if I was his wife, I would already be angry just because you are corresponding with him and having no interaction with me. I would be wondering who you are and would probably have asked to meet you. If I was you, I would assume that he is not telling his wife about you. I would assume that he is using you as a person to flirt with and have fun with outside of his marriage. If he is willing, then you should only meet with him and his wife together. If he is not willing to arrange that then I would suggest dropping out all together.You do not want to be stumbling block in their marriage.

 

[Why?]

I don't mind my husband going out to lunch with women (or a woman). His best friend (after me) is female and he works with 95% women (In an office of like 250).

But, if I was you, I would not go to lunch with this guy. It seems pretty obvious that he likes you in a sexual way. And I personally wouldn't put myself in a situation with someone like that.

 

[GirlieGirl]

wouldn't do it.

 

[uniqute]

Wow

Thank you all for your replies! I really appreciate you taking the time to share your collective wisdom with me! And I sure am glad I asked, cos I certainly dont wanna be gettin in the way of anyones marriage or anything like that.

I haven't ever met the guy's wife (only ever seen him at work before now) so it seems a bit weird to make him bring her. I totally understand your point though, so I figure if he wants to have lunch, then I'll invite along the other people I work with. Does that seem ok?

Thanks again to everyone who took the time to reply!

 

[oldrooster]

Wouldn't do it at all..

 

[uniqute]

Wouldn't do it at all..

Really? Its just that I would like to keep in contact with this guy. Even if only from a professional perspective, and I already told him I'd be happy to have lunch (before I realised it was an issue), so it would be difficult to suddenly say I don't want to meet with him - it would seem as though I am presuming that his motives are less than appropriate.

 

[oldrooster]

Really? Its just that I would like to keep in contact with this guy. Even if only from a professional perspective, and I already told him I'd be happy to have lunch (before I realised it was an issue), so it would be difficult to suddenly say I don't want to meet with him - it would seem as though I am presuming that his motives are less than appropriate.

When it comes to men and their motives, more often than not, it is less than appropriate. Just be careful. It is easier to get involved with something that you think would never happen, than you think. I have seen it many times. I have a daughter your age, and would give her the same advice.

 

[uniqute]

Thanks for the advice oldrooster. I'm sort of hoping he'll forget the idea altogether now, but I sure will be super careful about how I interact with him (if at all) from now on!

 

[Flipper]

I figure if he wants to have lunch, then I'll invite along the other people I work with. Does that seem ok?

Thanks again to everyone who took the time to reply!

It's weird because it does go both ways. I had a female co-worker who made another male co-worker uncomfortable, so when she would ask him to lunch, he would try to get me to go along too, and if I couldn't then he would decline. Kind of made me uncomfortable for being in the middle, but I was glad to help a friend.

If he calls you and you decide to do this, inviting your co-workers is a great idea, but be ready to back out if he acts strange about it, or if your co-workers can't go.

Trust me, I'm seeing the red flags that everyone else is seeing. I'm also giving this the benefit of the doubt because I haven't seen this guy's behavior. I think that most guys really just want to have lunch and that's it, and there are a few slimeballs that spoil it for all of them. Getting lunch to me is not like going on a date, or doing something bad behind your spouse's back. In my line of work and my husband's line of work, it's kind of expected practice. It's just lunch.

 

[Micaiah]

Why not suggest that you go out together with his wife, or with a group of friends.

I get along well with this guy at work, and we swapped instant messenger addresses a while back as well (his idea, not mine). There have been a few times though when some of the commments he makes (in a joking way) are a bit inappropriate. He's basically a bit of a flirt, but I've made it pretty clear where I stand. He is also not a christian, he's married with a kid, and he's about 10 years older than me. I am a christian (obviously, or I wouldn't be posting here!), and I'm single.

I think you answered your own question here. You seem to sense the inappropriateness of the situation from the cues mentioned.

 

[Busybee]

I think that since he's STILL a flirt toward you (correct me if I'm wrong) then he's still not taking into consideration that you're a Christian. I personally think he's off to a great start for having marital problems in the future, especially if you and his wife have never met and gotten to know each other.

I wouldn't do it myself and especially not with someone who has a flirtatious nature like he does.