Hi, my name is Sarah
I'm not really sure why I'm typing this, I guess in part to vent but mostly to see if anybody else relates to how I feel. I would appreciate it so much if anybody had any feedback or if they can relate. This may be a little long but I'll try not to drag it out..
I haven't been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder but I have my suspicions...especially after reading on the net about Bipolar II or "soft" bipolar. I know I should be seen by a doctor but I haven't seen a doctor in years....it's almost like when I feel alright it doesn't seem as important to go and when I feel bad I don't feel like there's a point to breathing much less going to a doc..and I've got other stuff going on that I'm struggling with too so I kind of feel stuck in a whirlwind.
I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time, afraid of what my own mind is going to put me through. I feel like I have no control. What confuses me though...is that it isn't a cycle all on it's own...or at least it doesn't seem like it....it always feels like I have a perfectly good reason to be insanely depressed. And it's a really, really *anxious* depressed. I think a good description for it is emotional water torture.
The thing is, though.....this probably sounds really strange...but I almost feel like I'm not even capable of describing how I feel,...because I feel so confused! I think "confused" might be the only good description. I used to drink myself into a stupor and harm myself at the first sign of a bout of depression but now I just try to get through it.
Anyway....I think that the greatest thing I've ever realized is that it isn't my fault. Of course I have the responsibility to handle it in an o.k. way but...I used to have a huge contempt for myself for not being who I could be if I was "normal" or when I feel like I mess things up really bad..and I haven't even been able to work. I'm struggling my way through school, pretty much on my hands and knees, but I try to see how much I try instead of how much I fail. I wish the people in my life could see how hard I try.....but in order for them to realize that they'd have to understand how completely debilitating and confusing it can feel sometimes.
On the subject of all mental/emotional illnesses in general, I hope that everyone can realize that. (That it's not your fault.) I mean, it's one thing to hear it but it's another thing to really understand it. Once you realize that it's no one's fault including your own, it is a lighter burden to carry. Just in case someone needed to hear that.
So...I know I rambled a lot..and kind of whined a lot too, lol. But if anyone can relate to any of that or has any comments or advice or anything that'd be awesome,..or if anyone wants to talk to someone, too, because I'm a good listener...and thanks for reading all this!
I'm not really sure why I'm typing this, I guess in part to vent but mostly to see if anybody else relates to how I feel. I would appreciate it so much if anybody had any feedback or if they can relate. This may be a little long but I'll try not to drag it out..
I haven't been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder but I have my suspicions...especially after reading on the net about Bipolar II or "soft" bipolar. I know I should be seen by a doctor but I haven't seen a doctor in years....it's almost like when I feel alright it doesn't seem as important to go and when I feel bad I don't feel like there's a point to breathing much less going to a doc..and I've got other stuff going on that I'm struggling with too so I kind of feel stuck in a whirlwind.
I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time, afraid of what my own mind is going to put me through. I feel like I have no control. What confuses me though...is that it isn't a cycle all on it's own...or at least it doesn't seem like it....it always feels like I have a perfectly good reason to be insanely depressed. And it's a really, really *anxious* depressed. I think a good description for it is emotional water torture.
The thing is, though.....this probably sounds really strange...but I almost feel like I'm not even capable of describing how I feel,...because I feel so confused! I think "confused" might be the only good description. I used to drink myself into a stupor and harm myself at the first sign of a bout of depression but now I just try to get through it.
Anyway....I think that the greatest thing I've ever realized is that it isn't my fault. Of course I have the responsibility to handle it in an o.k. way but...I used to have a huge contempt for myself for not being who I could be if I was "normal" or when I feel like I mess things up really bad..and I haven't even been able to work. I'm struggling my way through school, pretty much on my hands and knees, but I try to see how much I try instead of how much I fail. I wish the people in my life could see how hard I try.....but in order for them to realize that they'd have to understand how completely debilitating and confusing it can feel sometimes.
On the subject of all mental/emotional illnesses in general, I hope that everyone can realize that. (That it's not your fault.) I mean, it's one thing to hear it but it's another thing to really understand it. Once you realize that it's no one's fault including your own, it is a lighter burden to carry. Just in case someone needed to hear that.
So...I know I rambled a lot..and kind of whined a lot too, lol. But if anyone can relate to any of that or has any comments or advice or anything that'd be awesome,..or if anyone wants to talk to someone, too, because I'm a good listener...and thanks for reading all this!
) and yet I very much struggle! I have had a strong faith since I can remember as a child. I have no memory of a day in my life when the Lord was not with me! My memories go back to approximately aget 2 almost 3 years old... 
