[God even controlling the wicked]
This is why I have gone from seeing God as a deeply loving being to a deeply frightening one
[alternatives to typical depictions of hell being eternal torture and no good]
I have been in the long, long process of doing this, but no logically coherent alternative has shown up yet
Okay, this is an unusually deep response...
On God controlling the wicked, Paul was talking to someone who was *realizing* God was forcing him/her to do bad things. That is a rare realization. That message is to Christians, not unbelievers.
First of all, unbelievers would never read that far into Paul even to get to that message. They do not even believe God exists. They definitely are not afraid of God's wrath. They do not have "the Spirit of Fear of God" in them. As it was said Jesus does.
Think of it as a problem. What is the answer? It is really rather simple. Repent. Be the praying one who is so horrified of their error filled condition they find themselves in that you dare not even look up to Heaven, and just beg God, sincerely, for mercy.
Joseph's brothers attempted to murder him. Yet, when he was in power, he pointed out, "What you intended for evil, God intended for good".
Problem is, most evil, people intend for evil.
That is just the way we are. If you try to do good, you can end up doing bad. If you are really, really convinced you are good, you could just be that evil.
But, if you are capable of pulling the breaks, and realizing that you are wrong... then, you do receive mercy. The trick is to stick to the Gospels, the message of Christ.
On eternal hell being taken as it is usually taught:
God opens and closes doors. So...do...we... And, we have to believe God opens and closes those doors. If you have not started the path of going down all of the possibilities in the Bible, then you really have a long path ahead of you. (Not that I think this of you.)
God can make the King of Babylon think he is a donkey for a day, eating hay. God makes a lot of people think they will reincarnate into butterflies. And less apt, frogs and fish, and ugly pigs.
The fire is eternal, as it is always ready at bay.
But, the only ones specifically said to go to literal eternal torture - are the beast, satan, false prophet - but these are deeply metaphoric, and can mean many things. Way beyond even what is in the Gospels, or what is in the Law and Prophets.
Even there, what is fire? God has a heart of fire, as his eyes are fire. And windows are the heart of the soul. Will fire go away? No. But, fire can be good, as well as bad.
With the new, eternal bodies... we can go up, we can go down. We probably we will have far more intense imaginations, and far more intense responsibilities.
One day, we know, there will be a new book written. That day, we do not know when. But, until then, this is what we have.