Can any of the men explain.....

[Lilygirl3]

I have just read in an older post that stated men need sex to feel emotionally connected and women need to feel emotionally connected to have sex. I just cannot wrap my brain around this when it comes to an affair. My husband had a 2 month affair but because the long distance sex only occurred once. Now that we are trying to work things out he has said the same thing to me that he needs sex to feel emotionally connected to me. He says with her it was just lust and satan working. I just don't get this. Sometimes I feel like he just wants sex with me and it has nothing to do with emotions. And then how can a women just have sex like a one night stand which was basically what this was. She was not emotionally connected at the time. I think because I was a virgin when I married I am having a harder time with this. I want to move on but sometimes I think I just can't because I don't understand it at all.

 

[fulltime]

As a man your husband is wrong in that area. I am sure that each man has his own needs to feel loved and emotionally feel satisfied. I would just need the the cuddling and caring and if that lead into sex that would be great. Most men just want the wife to show interest in them. If you husband is having an affair on you because of the lack of sex that is wrong. Not all men are this way that your husband is asking for. I would ask him if he into porn because those are one night stands without emotional involvement.Good luck, I will pray for you.

 

[GoNoles]

Each man is as different as each woman is. Has your husband given you more insight into what he really needs or what he feels like he's missing? Remember, just because he feels like something is lacking in his life doesn't mean that YOU are the problem or that YOU must fill every deficit he has. (If that were the case about every issue, every one of us would be co-dependant on our spouses, right?)

 

[Lilygirl3]

Hmmmmm.........I don't think I made myself clear in my original post. I know what the problem was that brought my husband to the affair. We are not having the same problems now. I am trying to understand how men and women but especially men can just hop in bed with someone they don't know. How is that sex different from marriage sex. My husband says sex with me makes him feel closer to me. I get that. But, I don't really understand affair sex. He says he was just looking for attention. But why does it have to lead to sex? I know in this case if the woman had not blatantly put it out there it would have never happen because my husband would have been too shy to ask. His self esteem was very low at the time. It just seems that men can have sex without any emotion at all involved. And apparently some women. Since I know I would be totally incapable of this. It is confusing to me. I second guess my husband's motives now with me. Is he really trying to reconnect with me? Or is it just sex? I still wonder was he trying to connect to her or was it just sex? Maybe there is no answer, but I still struggle with it.

 

[IKTCA]

1) All extramarital affairs outside marriage (by married men and women) are evil by nature. He was not seeking emotional connection with the other woman. They lay together because they were deceived into this evil deed. Your husband was right when he said it was lust and Satan. He needs your forgiveness to be restored to you, and the Lord's forgiveness to be restored to him. Both are important.

2) A healthy married man would like to lie with his wife. This is normal and anticipated. If he has been forgiven by both you and the Lord, I ask you not to refuse his request. If you still need time to share the bed, I suggest you to tell him so. Say you need a month to seek the Lord for your healing, and suggest your husband do the same or even ask him to pray for you during that period.

Rupert

 

[analyzethis]

I am NOT in ANY way condoning or excusing an extramarital affair. I heard your question to be "Why did this happen?" Or "How could he?" So I'll offer my thoughts.

I believe the answers you are looking for may be found in Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages". This book was recommended to me a short time ago and I actually had a copy at home (well, my wife did) that I had never thought of reading. Everyone, male and female, has their own primary love language. If you or your husband aren't speaking in one another's language, Satan WILL send someone who is. My primary language is physical touch. I am assuming your husband's is too. This doesn't always mean sex, but it does include it. Although God's grace is sufficient to fill all of my needs, the temptations are STRONGER and MORE FREQUENT when I feel 'low on love fuel' or my self-esteem is low (which can only be cured by a personal relationship with God). This could very well be the same for this other woman. I don't think it is a 'male thing' although it may be more frequent in men.

What may be confusing to you is that physical touch isn't what makes you feel loved. Your language is one of the other four....Quality Time, Word of Affirmation, Acts of Service (my wife's), or Receiving Gifts. One of these things makes you feel loved. I think nearly everyone at some point in their life has encountered a person who spoke our love language better than our spouse was doing at the time. Those who are strong in the Lord are able to identify this as an attack from below and resist. But these moments often lead to 'emotional affairs' which can be just as devastating to a marriage. In either case we are allowing ourselves to feel loved by someone other than our spouse.

So was it just sex with her? No, it was your husband not 'feeling' loved at a weak moment in his life and Satan attacking. Is it just sex with you? No, it is your husband wanting to feel loved by you and he believes that it makes you feel loved too. I encourage you both (and everyone) to learn to speak your spouse's love language fluently. I am firmly convinced that God wants me to show my wife love in a way that SHE understands even if I don't.

My prayers for both of you,
J

 

[sdmsanjose]

“Is he really trying to reconnect with me? Or is it just sex? I still wonder was he trying to connect to her or was it just sex?”

As one of the earlier post stated, all men are different. However, I do believe that men can do both; have sex trying to connect and “just sex”

I am a man and I have done both. If you ever get an acceptable answer to your questions you will still be hurt.

I would recommend that you get all the support you can get from family, friends, good Christian counseling, and especially from your faith. Take care of yourself first by diligently seeking God then you will be able to help your husband if he is repentant. You are probably to emotionally hurt to try and heal both you and your husband at the same time. Also, it may be a situation where your husband will have to deal with his healing mostly with God alone.

Two good books are “Love Must Be Tough” by James Dobson and all of the forgiveness materials by Charles Stanley at InTouch Ministries.

 

[Lilygirl3]

Thank you all for your wonderful advice. I know for certain that God used you to tell me exactly what I needed to hear. With all the therapy we have had you would think that someone would have said what Rupert did about my forgiveness will restore my husband to me. I have been so focused on him restoring his relationship with God that I really did not see my part. I of course knew I was to forgive him, but I think what I have been missing is showing my forgiveness everyday. I know he is truly broken by what he did and beats himself up more than I ever could. I am ashamed to say that I have had the attitude that he deserves to suffer. I see now that will not help us to move forward and it is not what would please God.

J, I will get the book about love languages. It sounds like exactly what we need. I read the book Love Must Be Tough and I think it really helped me to be strong and get through the first few months.

 

[GoNoles]

Thank you all for your wonderful advice. I know for certain that God used you to tell me exactly what I needed to hear. With all the therapy we have had you would think that someone would have said what Rupert did about my forgiveness will restore my husband to me. I have been so focused on him restoring his relationship with God that I really did not see my part. I of course knew I was to forgive him, but I think what I have been missing is showing my forgiveness everyday. I know he is truly broken by what he did and beats himself up more than I ever could. I am ashamed to say that I have had the attitude that he deserves to suffer. I see now that will not help us to move forward and it is not what would please God.

J, I will get the book about love languages. It sounds like exactly what we need. I read the book Love Must Be Tough and I think it really helped me to be strong and get through the first few months.

I think you truly got that message from the Holy Spirit. When I had some mess-ups, that is EXACTLY the attitude my wife displayed that helped me move forward. Wow... God bless you.