Can a marriage survive after an emotional affair?

[darlin337]

I recently found out that my husband of 11 years has been having an emotional affair with his assistant. This is not the first time this has happened. I forgave him 4yrs ago for this same issue (different person). He feels like "his brain just shuts down" and he doesn't know why he does what he does. I persuaded him to talk to our christian friends and he did, but he admitted that he would do it again and he has NOT STOPPED having intimate conversations with this woman. He feels neglected and unloved and the lack of sex in our marriage worries him.
I admit I have my short comings and for several years I battles a deep dark depression and I continue to thank God that He has helped me see out of the fog and I pray about those everyday and I have been getting better, but he says that he doesn't think that I will "stay" this way and that why is it good enough now but not 2-3 yrs ago.
My pastor wants to talk to us and help us get on the right path with God and our marriage, but I am so afraid that L will just do it again and again. I am afraid of being alone and I am afraid that my intense love for this man clouds my judgement and that I will believe anything he says because he does have that "power" over me, I believe him, he is a good "salesperson" so to speak. But there are times that I am SO ANGRY and I just want to say forget it all, leave, we will get divorced, But God is pressing in my heart that this is not the right answer. I think we need counseling and he states that he is willing to do this, but right now all he is concerned about is "every one telling me that I am wrong". Is it wrong of me to believe that he is wrong....is it wrong of me to want to save my marriage. Is it wrong of me to want him to want me for me and not by default. Is it wrong of me that I know I am weak when it comes to him and that I would accept him back in a heart beat "by default". I WANT my marriage to work, but I know that the only way it can is if he faces his demons, confesses his sins and puts God first in his life. I pray for him everyday, multiple times a day.
My friends are telling me that he is just lying to me, that he is just oging to tell me what I want to hear. That him telling me his "affair" was never sexual is a lie as well. I am so confused and lost and numb. My only solace has been my faith and my God.
I know I have rambled, and I am not looking for "your are so right and he is so wrong" I am not looking to be a Martyr or anything. I guess I am just wanting to know that what I am feeling is not wrong and that just because some of my friends think I should wash my hands of him doesn't mean I should. I feel God pressing on my heart to "hold on a little longer, child, I am here for you and for L and things will be okay, you just need to keep having faith, let me continue to work on his heart"
I have been divorce once, this is my second marriage and my first husband also was unfaithful. I can't help but blame myself. My self worth and esteem are in the toilet because I feel that I am not "good" enough for him.

Thanks for listening/reading....

 

[SilkRainn]

It's a difficult situation. When both of you married, you made commitments to be emotionally and romantically dedicated to one another.

I'm not for a second saying that he's justified in having an emotional affair, but if he feels neglected, unloved, and worried about lack of sex, I can understand why that might spur him to have an emotional affair.

You mention his feeling of being neglected and unloved in a single sentence on this long post of yours. I think it deserves more explanation. Very few married people, men or women, connect intimately with people outside their marriage when they have emotionally satisfying marriages. Yes, it happens sometimes with emotionally fulfilled couples sometimes, but it's a rarity as far as infidelity goes.

If you've been emotionally checked out and not given him sex for years, and expect him to just stand by and wait it out, I can see how he would have a lot of emotional anguish.

 

[ncfjj]

I would recommend reading Proverbs 31, and 1 Corinthians 7. They both have excellent advice for avoid a complete breakdown of your marriage, and in fact the rebuilding of it. You also might want to consider praying the hedge prayer around him, as well as the prayer from Hosea.

 

[sdmsanjose]

Quote of Darlin337
I feel God pressing on my heart to "hold on a little longer, child, I am here for you and for L and things will be okay, you just need to keep having faith, let me continue to work on his heart"

I know that I cannot deny what you feel but you posted your post for some responses so here is mine.

God will work on his heart if he is humble and becomes clay in the potter’s hand. If he does not God is not going to overrule his will. God can but He won’t.

Here is the bottom line:

You BOTH need to have excellent Christian/professional counseling and you BOTH need to change for the better. You asked the question of “can a marriage survive an emotional affair?” If BOTH partners are humble and willing to follow God and godly counsel, not only can it survive an emotional affair it can survive an emotional affair that also includes a physical affair. The surviving is the power of God and two people willing to put their lives into the potter’s hand and do their part.

Just talking and agreeing with Godly counsel will not get it; you have to take actions and have the right attitude. In other words God is not going to do it all you both will have to change.

 

[Tangled24]

I am a bit horrible at advice. As a warning. But what I can say is that my marriage has been through both an emotional and physical affair. At first we were going to just give up and we sep. After months however of reconnecting and counseling, and him finding his way back to the church things are honestly 100% better. If you had asked me a year and a half ago if we would still be married and as happy and trusting as we are now I would have laughed at you and called you crazy. Through love and faith anything in my opinion can happen. I hope my story will give you a boost. Also I wish you the best of luck!!

 

[EnvyNV]

I am glad I found this forum. It was hard to read the original posts because my husband has also said the same things to me. I am at my wits end. Two emotional affairs within the past year and refuses to ask for forgiveness or will even say that it he wouldn't do it again. Instead he says that he did not cheat, all he did was socialize behind my back. We clearly have other issues that we have to deal with in our marriage and I am the first to say that I am carrying my own bag of issues but I cannot get past his lack of remorse. For those of you who have written that you were able to overcome this issue in your marriage, I am reaching out to you for help and any guidance you can receive. I am also interested in hearing if the original author of this message board has made any progress.

 

[LinkH]

I am glad I found this forum. It was hard to read the original posts because my husband has also said the same things to me. I am at my wits end. Two emotional affairs within the past year and refuses to ask for forgiveness or will even say that it he wouldn't do it again. Instead he says that he did not cheat, all he did was socialize behind my back. We clearly have other issues that we have to deal with in our marriage and I am the first to say that I am carrying my own bag of issues but I cannot get past his lack of remorse. For those of you who have written that you were able to overcome this issue in your marriage, I am reaching out to you for help and any guidance you can receive. I am also interested in hearing if the original author of this message board has made any progress.

How do you know that a man has had an ''emotional affair"? It's kind of hard to prove how someone is feeling. If he's doing specific behaviors, sending dirty text messages about sex, kissing, or worse, well, you have something there. But if you are claiming he has feelings for someone, and he says he doesn't, that might seem unfair and jealous to him. I'd hate to see couples split up over someone's alleged feelings. (Not implying anything about your marriage, btw.)

I strongly believe a man should protect himself from temptation. If a women seems flirty, I mention my wife in conversation. (Not that it happens a lot these days. ) There is this small office I use that is open to many people. If a woman comes in, I leave the door open, not just to protect from emotional affairs, but also from rumors and things like that. I believe in being careful.

The OP said something about her husband complaining about a lack of sex. For a physically healthy wife, that is a fairly easy problem to fix. A wife can also be more affectionate, more respectful, more loving, more giving, etc. if she feels her husband is drifting from her emotionally. Learning 'love languages' and speaking them is also a useful tactic.

If you can't get your spouse to improve in some area, you can always try to improve yourself.

 

[morethanenough06]

Darlin, I feel for you and my heart goes out to you! Your story is very similar to mine. I recently discovered that my husband has been having an emotional (online) affair that turned very sexual. We are working through it but it's been tough. In recovering, I have come before God, I have asked many questions. One of them was why. Wasn't I good enough? Didn't I meet his needs? In the end I strongly believe that these things have absolutely nothing to do with an affair, especially in a Christian home. Your husband has sinned, period. He needs to fess up to his sin, take responsibility, and not put any of the blame on you. Could you have been a better wife? Probably. But he has promised to be faithful to you no matter what, for better or worse, and he has broken those vows. There is no possible way any one of us could fully meet the needs of our spouse. That is why we turn to God. He could have stayed strong for you during your depression, he could have gone to God to meet his needs when you couldn't, but he chose to look elsewhere. That is his sin, not yours. In the end, you still need to heal and to forgive him. That's your responsibility. You can be the best wife possible, with God's help, and learn what that means. But you cannot be responsible for the choices he has made. I pray that you and your husband can get through this fully and move on. It is good that you are seeking the help of your pastor, but possibly consider going for professional counseling, from a Christian counselor that believes in marriage restoration. It is very possible to survive an affair and move on, but I believe it needs to be dealt with fully in order to do that. You and your husband will be in my prayers.

 

[morethanenough06]

Darlin, I feel for you and my heart goes out to you! Your story is very similar to mine. I recently discovered that my husband has been having an emotional (online) affair that turned very sexual. We are working through it but it's been tough. In recovering, I have come before God, I have asked many questions. One of them was why. Wasn't I good enough? Didn't I meet his needs? In the end I strongly believe that these things have absolutely nothing to do with an affair, especially in a Christian home. Your husband has sinned, period. He needs to fess up to his sin, take responsibility, and not put any of the blame on you. Could you have been a better wife? Probably. But he has promised to be faithful to you no matter what, for better or worse, and he has broken those vows. There is no possible way any one of us could fully meet the needs of our spouse. That is why we turn to God. He could have stayed strong for you during your depression, he could have gone to God to meet his needs when you couldn't, but he chose to look elsewhere. That is his sin, not yours. In the end, you still need to heal and to forgive him. That's your responsibility. You can be the best wife possible, with God's help, and learn what that means. But you cannot be responsible for the choices he has made. I pray that you and your husband can get through this fully and move on. It is good that you are seeking the help of your pastor, but possibly consider going for professional counseling, from a Christian counselor that believes in marriage restoration. It is very possible to survive an affair and move on, but I believe it needs to be dealt with fully in order to do that. You and your husband will be in my prayers.

 

[iambren]

" He feels neglected and unloved and the lack of sex in our marriage worries him."

I think an affair of any kind is a wake up call for the marriage. The saying goes "The definition of stupid is to do the same thing yet expect different results". Of course what he did was wrong, of course it's violating the vows, but to deny sex is violating the spirit of the vows also.

A third party needs to set you both down where you are honest with each other about your needs and how you can meet them for each other. If not the needs are to tempting to not be met outside the marriage.

 

[scrambled]

" He feels neglected and unloved and the lack of sex in our marriage worries him."

I think an affair of any kind is a wake up call for the marriage. The saying goes "The definition of stupid is to do the same thing yet expect different results". Of course what he did was wrong, of course it's violating the vows, but to deny sex is violating the spirit of the vows also.

A third party needs to set you both down where you are honest with each other about your needs and how you can meet them for each other. If not the needs are to tempting to not be met outside the marriage.

I agree with you... My pastor uses this when talking to married couples:
"The grass is greener where you fertilize it."
Marriage requires work/effort.
If you aren't meeting the needs of your spouse, someone else will. It's a credo to live by.

 

[lovesbrightpink]

Is he checked out the marriage ? Speaking from the other side I understand what it's like to check out and almost ruin my marriage. I recently am still getting over all the damage I did and my husband is being really amazing and awesome about it and that is helping but I still have hard times with my mind staying on track. Are you in couples therapy?

 

[DZoolander]

" He feels neglected and unloved and the lack of sex in our marriage worries him."

Gotta admit - I'm always a little shocked when I hear women say this type of thing as if it's something possibly minor and/or trivial. I don't know if they quite understand the gravity of that type of statement.

Y'all understand why men get married, right? It's to feel cared for, loved and have sex. Without those - basically you're room-mates (that he may or may not be supporting).

Let's just be clear. No man I've ever known needs/wants/desires a platonic female room-mate that he's also supporting and monogamously holding himself out for. No man I've ever met is desiring to have a room-mate that binds him to an asexual lifestyle. Without those ingredients - that's exactly what it is - and I cannot envision it lasting. No man desires taking care of someone else, "just because." I wouldn't just support some buddy of mine. But - given the choice between that and a sexless marriage where I'm supporting her - I'd rather support the buddy...because at least I wouldn't also carry the feeling that I'm wanting anything else while doing it.

Think about the things you got married for - and then imagine you got *none* of those things. Zero. Zilch. Nada. How long would you remain content?