Calliegh's Diary of 39 Days on the Island

[JPPT1974]

Day 21: I layed there in bed not wanting to get up. I needed to though since it was noon. The latest I have ever, ever slept in these past twenty-one days. Also as I got up, I felt along my breasts. I made sure as I do in my twice a month exams, I didn't have a lump in my breasts. I didn't so far, but who knows? As I got on my bathing suit.

As I began to workout to some taebo and classical music. I have a friend that I am thinking about. As I was working out and listening to music. She wants to quit her job due to her sexist boss named Dana. I felt really bad for her. And she needed to get out of a bad situation. As I prayed in the Lord's will and name that she would.

Then after I worked out, it was pretty cloudy. But wasn't as thundering and storming as it was yesterday evening. It did cool it down a bit though. I went for a swim in the oceans. I also would use soap to clean up the clothes and bathing suit. As I would put them on the line to dry. I thought about in a few days having that chicken or steak. As it would give me a chance to eat something other than rice. When I got done cleaning up my stuff. As well as bathing myself.

I went into the hut and I hung out my clothes. I went and I layed down and rested. It was about five o clock as I rested pretty long. As I thought about Dana and how jerky he was also towards me. As I got a part-time job to supply my income. He gave all the women the hard jobs. Even making them mop the floors. And all the men got in all the easy jobs. Which wasn't fair at all to the women.

I then went and cooked myself some chicken to eat. As I needed some protein in my body. I fried baked the chicken. It was delicious as it hit the spot. I cleaned up the dishes by washing & drying. I went to read my bible and devotions. I looked outside and it wouldn't be raining at all.

I watched as couples made their way to walk on the beach. Also I was wondering how I should really write in my resignation. And to how to word it. Because it will be one of the hardest things I will ever, ever have to do. I would rough draft it not just once but twice. To make sure that I got in all the lines right. And to line them up with the sentence. As I went to bed. Feeling like that protein hit the spot.

 

[JPPT1974]

Day 22: I decided to just hang around and not do anything today. No going swimming nor no working out. It was very clear and beautiful don't get me wrong. But I needed to write the Dear John letter to the ICB. Where I worked since I was fifteen. That has brought in a lot of good memories. But lately it has brought in a lot of bad memories for me. After what happened with John and our relationship going south. And that I could never, ever again forgive him. And no offense, but have hatreds towards the jerk.

I then wrote one draft copy. And I wrote two drafts again. To make sure that I will pratice for when I write the real ones. And when I do, I will do it by computer and not by my hand. Since everything is done by computers. When I went and typed it all in. I brainstormed over and over again. As well as thought in my little brain. What should I say. Think Calliegh! Think!

I would write saying that due to very bad and difficult circumstances. I will have no other choice but to resign from the ICB. And that I feel it would be healthy on me. Physically, mentally, and emotionally to resign. For my self-preservation as well as everybody elses'. I also felt that I needed to do it on the weekends where nobody was there hardly. And just hand it in peacefully and quietly without causing a scene or a stir. That there have been differences rubbed the wrong way.

I kept at it all day long. I threw paper after paper away. But then I combined two or three papers of my brain-storming and got together on it. Later on, I put them together and would begin to write it all down. Brainstorming many ideas and that I would write it down on one or even two pieces of paper. As I sat down to re-word the note.

I then cooked the rice and watery it. So that I kind of in a way was getting sick of crunchy rice. As I also felt my hair on my head and shoulders were getting really heavy. And I would be cutting off all of my hair by the time I get back to the states. I cleaned up and washed the dishes. And then I hit the sacks at eight. My brain as so tired from brain-storming.

 

[JPPT1974]

Day 23: I then went for the first thing to workout. I did taebo for thirty minutes again. I have a black belt in kung fu. But it has been years since I praticed the martial arts. Due to my work schedule as well as just falling out of it. John however is a skilled-martial artist. Who learned in the military as a Canadian special forces soldier.

I wonder if he gets all of his angst and works up an anger over that. As I journaled and read from my bible. After I worked out. I have that song Could We Start Again from Jesus Christ Superstar in my head. And I can't get it out of my head. I don't know why that happens when I have a song in my head. I just can't get it out of my head.

I went into the waters and swam some. And I saw parents with their children playing with the seashells. And also children running around. Also I saw people jumping from a waterfall. Diving in head first. I wanted to try for myself. I did and it kind of hurt. It hurts to dive in with your head. Because of the splashes you make in the water. Then I did it a number of times.

I know the kids loved to dive on in head first. They seemed to have a fun time. The beach was getting really busy and crowded. All due to the summer time coming around the corner. There was a lot of little kids. Those kids were really cute & adorable as they jumped in. And kids acting like they could be kids after a long and hard school year. I couldn't and don't blame them one bit.

Afterwards, the swimming made me very hungry. I went to crunch in my rice. It was very good and tasty. I remember also the time I had to take a part-time job as a cashier. There was an 22-year old manager. That looked like a kid. His name was Brian. He was a jerk but nowhere as near as bad as Dana was and is.

Then I went back to read my bible. I also was trying to get the letter together. And I went to lay down. To look at the beautiful sunset going down. The skies were indeed the limit as they were also beautiful. Then I went to bed at 11:30 pm.

 

[JPPT1974]

Day 24: I went and got up at ten in the morning. I then journaled and read my bible. I read from Eccelesates. It was like the song from the Birds. To Everything, Turn, Turn, Turn. Like a time to laugh, cry, mourn, etc. I love that song as it changed my life a whole lot. And it would change everybody else's lives and make their lives a whole lot better. IMO that is.

I then hit the taebo workouts As I worked out for thirty minutes. I went to workout and I sweated a whole lot. I listened to music while I worked out. It felt good after I worked out. I prayed to the Lord the longest prayer possible. I prayed that he would give me strength, mercy, understanding, and kindness.

As I prayed, I cried a whole lot. I cried for people around me as well. As it came from the bottom of my heart. People that know me, know that I wear my emotions on my sleeve. Perhaps way, way too much. But still, that is just me. When I hit the oceans and swam a bit.

I swam a long time. The longest all day it seems. I also took dives and swam from the waterfalls. I don't have a pool in my apartment. I have to go a mile to go swimming. It felt good to have the water hit my face. Cold but still after I got used to it. Felt very good to swim in.

I went and got into my clothes. As I went and changed to eat. I crunched my rice again. It tasted really good. It really is probably the best thing of the rice I am eating. Not that watery and not that bad. As I was resting a bit. Then I journaled and then I went and read my bible. Before hitting the sacks at ten.

 

[JPPT1974]

Day 25: I went and got up at eleven in the morning. Here I was just all alone. And not doing anything. For nearly a month, I had nobody to talk to at all. All I had was not just one. Nor two, nor three, but about six walls in my hut. It can get lonely at times. But then again, I am a loner.

Also I am not much of a talker. People that know me know that I can be shy, quiet, withdrawn, and just go my own way. At my own pace. And also afraid, that I do so at others' expense. Though I am not a person that wants to hurt people's feelings, I feel that I can't change myself. Nobody can change me but me. I can only change myself you know.

I went to journal and read my bible. I have been reading the four Gospels lately. Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. Ironically, they are my favorite books of the Bible. I love the New Testament. Even though it ain't a lot of words like the Old Testament. Though I love the Old Testament, I lean towards the New Testament. As my guidance and help from deeper within me. As I also have been underlining key verses.

I have had suicidal thoughts lately. I think that I am getting sick of this cruel and rather most of the time, hateful world. Because I think that I am not just being ignored. But I am not being called upon. Nor being acknowledged. Maybe it is a blessing or a curse in disguise. The Lord knows what He wants me to do. And I need to lean on Him. Whatever the challenge is, and if and when it's from Him, I got to meet it.

I went to do some taebo. As I always do in order to focus and concentrate. I also need it to help my body and not feel fat. Though I am 5'4" & 120 pounds. I am anything but either "model-thin" or perhaps, even a model herself. Maybe it is good that I don't look or feel that way. The Lord can do strange but good things you know.

As I headed towards the water and headed to the waterfall. I went swimming and did so in mid-afternoon. There was hardly anybody there. As the kids were going with their parents. They maybe going out to eat. And couples walking hand--by-hand after they were done with the beach. Were going somewhere as well. But hey, I am not no physic. And I know it ain't my place to know where they are going.

I then went into the hut. I changed from my bathing suit to my clothes. It was a depressing day. I don't know why though. Maybe I am making it a depressing day myself. Or thinking about bad things makes me think bad about myself. After the thirty-ninth and final day, I will change myself and my whole appearance. Not just outwardly but most of all, inwardly.

Then I went to cook myself some fried rice. As I got to eat them. I will tip the staff who come to clean up my hut about 20%. Like a $100 bill. It is the least that I could do. As I went to bed that night. There have been some long evenings I have had since coming to the Pearl Islands. And this was one of the longest nights not while I have been here. But also of my nearly thirty years on this planet.

 

[JPPT1974]

Day 26: For some strange reason, I threw up. I may have taken way, way too many pills on my medication. I felt as though I was dizzy and nausated. I just was so, so dizzy as well as wanting to do nothing buy lay around in bed. All day and all the time.

I just layed there just throwing up several times. And I looked at the time. It was 1:00 pm in the afternoon! That's right! 1:00 pm I slept that late. I felt so dizzy as well as so, so sick. The throwing up stopped at 3:00 pm. Approximately. As I looked at my clock. Everytime I got up, I felt dizzy and sick. As well as nausated.

I layed around and did nothing at all. No journaling, no bible nor devotions. Just layed around in bed all day and nearly all night. I didn't do taebo as well as do no swimming in the oceans. I was just sick! Sick! Sick! Like a dog or a child.

When I got up to use the restroom, it was midnight. Still felt nausated and still felt sick to my stomach. I hoped that all of this would all go away. When I get up in the morning. I didn't even feel like eating at all. As I slept all day and all night. Please Lord, let this all go away when I get up.

 

[JPPT1974]

Day 27: I felt much better. I need to let my body be rid of the medications. And I needed to make sure that they were gone all the way. As I rested all day yesterday. I fell behind on my work though. And I needed to pick it up. ASAP!

I went to workout at taebo for thirty minutes. It felt good to workout afterwards. Then I read from my bible and did my devotions. As I picked up on my journaling. Not just one but two days. I really felt weak yesterday and this morning. Working out did the trick really well. And catching up did mentally and spiritually. As well as emotionally for all.

I listened to some music and just layed around the bed. Just listened to some classical along with some oldies but goodies. I went and straightened up a bit. I was out of my little dream. Or in my drug-induced mind. I needed to really make sure I was feeling well. And I woke up at ten. After sleeping all day yesterday.

I went and put on a bathing suit. And jumped into the oceans. I went to dive in the waterfall. It was a beautiful day both today and yesterday. Darn it I missed it very much. As I went to swim in the blue oceans. Complete with blue skies. Maybe the Lord was trying to tell me something you know.

I went back into the hut as I went and put on some clothes. Probably the enxt adventure I would love to take. Is do a Amazing Race tour a trip around the world. But I would have to afford it though. Maybe it will change my life. Just like this "trip" and mind-boggling experience has. I had a lot of thinking to do you know.

I went and I cooked some supper. I had some water rice. As well as crunched the rice up. The other day, I told the staff clean-up crew not to come into my hut. Because I was in there all day long. When I came back again, it was very pretty and cleaned-up. Along with some flowers there. A woman's touch indeed. I went to sleep at ten.

 

[JPPT1974]

Day 28: I went to workout the first thing I got up. I got up at 10:00 am est. As I was thinking about so much about my life. As a lot went through my mind. I felt that after I am done with this "vacation", I will be more focus, more looser hopefully, not too strict nor stressed-out. Hoping that I look at friend or foe in a different light. Because that is what Jesus did.

John & I went out about three nights a week. And it wasn't just going out to eat. Or to a movie or a show. Sometimes he would cook dinner as I found out that he loved to cook. Though he didn't do it often due to his schedule, he did just for me. Which I found really, really sweet of him to do. Though he didn't have to.

I also had a dream about committing suicide. And ending my life all together. Because my life just doesn't seem into place these past few months. Especially even almost a year. I feel there would be pros and cons to commiting suicide. As it seems if I did, nobody would seem to care. Or better or worse yet, that would be a wake-up call to all of those "meanies" that have ignored me.

I felt like going into town, my first day out of the hut and oceans. And into a store and buying some rope. And also writing some suicide letter. Telling them that I am sick and tired about the way that I am living. I have had it with life. I have had it with the way people are treating me. Before it gets even worse, I just better take "the easy way out!" And go off to a better place and a better world.

No more hurts, no more tears, no more anger, and no more "meanies!" Ever, ever again in my life. I have had way too much drama as well as too much tension. It has to stop! It has to end! Right here and right now! I feel as though I am a small fish in a big pond. I am really not looking forward to going back to DC. And facing you all.

But I also worry about my parents. Because my parents would be crushed. Their world would be devestated and in shock. If I killed myself, I would shatter their world. I am their only child adopted from Vietnam. They would never, ever be the same at all. Their lives would be ruined. I had to consider my parents, whom I love and adore so, so, much. If I hurt them, I would be hurt too! But most of all, who would be hurt in all of this is God!

God would be devestated. He would want to take me by the arm and have a long talk with me. Saying Calliegh, I would have given you this. You would had been married with kids and have grandkids. As well as a better job and even a promotion. But no, you throw that all away. Not only that, but you devestated the people who love you the most. Your parents, your family, your friends.

But most of all, John blames himself for being a jerk! He goes to your grave each and every day. I know that John visits his wife's grave once a week. It used to be everyday when she died for two & a half years. Because he wanted to be close to his wife as much as possible. Now losing you is the worst. He blames himself and never, ever will forgive himself at all. I would say to God, with all due respect God. Let him grieve. He put this on himself. He deserves to grieve. Let him grieve everyday for the rest of his life. Until he drops dead from not a heart attack. But from a very, very broken heart.

I stayed all day in my hut. I didn't workout, I didn't read my devotions or bible, I didn't do nothing. Not even cooked a meal or went into the oceans. I thought long and hard if I should do the unthinkable. But there are and would be pros and cons. There are of course, pros and cons to everything you know. I went to sleep thinking about this. How I am so, so mixed up with everyting going on right now.

 

[threekt]

will I ever know the strength (perhaps you won't) of the size and strength and force fo Jesus' voice that tells a beating heart to stay alive to remain in the jive
oh help is not damnation for a voice louder than the nation that reminds the others here that life for one lively voice is not worth it - oh the girth of injustice is large as that barge of garbage that could find no landing place in New York or the myth of the stork that delivered a child OH! the stories we tell are wild - we have no control over inspiration but the lies embark from another nation of dispair that kind of nation that would colur a child's hair and tell you that it looked better that would rain for forty days and nights and make you think that your mouth was wetter than a sewer since you can report nothing newer than depair. Oh I repeat that pity is boring and that I am snoring to see the hint that any stint on this planet is without worth, give strength to those who are weaker than you on this earth by letting us know that you are beautiful and that you are dutiful to the hands that gave you form, those hands that choose to disregard what is the norm and storm in the force of life that offer joy in the midst of terrible strife and make us know that the weak are actually the strong that the words that seem so short are actually the longest words you will come to know, if you read them fast you might walk slow. you could walk with Jesus arm in arm or disregard the beeps of the alarm and sleep forever, give the alarm a shove, not witness the redeeming power of love.

 

[JPPT1974]

Day 29: I was thinking a lot about what was going on in my mind. As I thought long and hard about that suicide. As my mind has been suicidal lately. I wonder why I wished that maybe heaven is my one and only shot. And that I wished that I was there. No more worries or in the words of the "Lion King!" Hakunahmattatta or however it is spelled. You know the song sung by Pumba & Timon. As I wished I had no more worries or even cares.

People can be purely arrogant these days. As I walk along the beaches of the Pearl Islands. And this was the first time that I walked along the beaches of the PI. Just remembering stuff in my head. Played over and over again. As I had so much to think about. It seemed as though in so little time. I felt that my time should be up. Why do bad things happen to go people. And good things happen to bad people.

I one time went into my former middle school's lunchroom. When they were having some kind of athletic competition. And that I told some teachers. Both nice and snotty, mainly the latter, that they need to "tone it down!" And not be so mean to the kids. I was trying to stand up for the kids. And that the adults, along with parents that were eating with them, are the problems. And that the teachers seem to not give a you know what about the kids. That was of course, IMO!

I was worried that they might try to call the police on me. Telling them that I was a physcho. But I got in some words with the principal there. I wished that I could had just walked on in and punched out the principle. Who nobody could stand IMO. But there are more of them than there are of him you know. But of course, I could get arrested for that you know.

I went to do my workouts after I mooped around on the beach. As I just went and did taebo for thirty minutes. I missed yestereday due to my depression. As I worked out, I also had a lot on my mind. And also I felt things being played over and over again on my mind. That I wished that I was a magician and could change people's minds. Make the world nicer but only they and not I could do that.

I went to go into the oceans. As I went to dive off the PI. And I loved their waterfall. As it was so, so beautiful and so, so gourgeous. It was a beautiful day again. It was yesterday as I was in my so-called mooping mood. I went swimming mid-day. But I also felt relaxed and relieved.

It was that time again. Yes PMS time as I took some advil and also took some PMS pills. I also had some tampons as well as maxis. I only will wer tampons if I go into the water. I can't afford blood on the bathing suits you know. I went to read my bible and journaled. When I read my devotions.

I also ate some rice, crunchy again. I also went and cleaned up my hut. The staff cleaned up my stuff. I tried to wear the same thing at least four to five times a day. But I only wear the same bathing suits ten days straight. Since I only brought three of them. I hit the sacks at ten.

 

[JPPT1974]

Day 30: I had a dream one day that I went and beat up somebody. I beat up my former manager Dana. I would never, ever do this at all. In real life that is. But I dreamed that for the way he treated me. Was to do something back for him. That is to beat the you know what out of him. I know if I did that in real life, I would go to jail over it. But also I felt as though he would never, ever hurt anybody ever again.

I had dreams like these many, many times. That I would go and play the hero. And beat up and end peoples' lives. To make sure that hey wouldn't at all hurt others ever again. I am for those and stand up to those who are being beaten. To me the meanies are like the bullies. Who think that they could hurt others. And if I could, I would stop that to prevent them for doing so.

But I am a Christian and know better than that. I know better not to beat up people. Or kill them because that isn't me. I asked the Lord to forgive me for thinking of hurting them. Because that grieves the Lord big time. I layed down for a pretty long time after getting up at ten.

I then went and did some as usual as always taebo. I went and did thirty minutes of it. I also went into the waters. I went and swimmed for a pretty long time. As well as jumped down the waterfalls. It felt really good to do so. And it felt really cool but when you got used to it, really warm. It was a pretty day as it has been. Except one or two days when it was with rain.

I went into the hut and changed. I needed to clean up my clothes. And I needed to wash them. As I went down in the evening to do so. After I cleaned them up, I hung them on the wires. I waited for them to dry. I would change again. It would be either my fourth or fifth time of changing my clothes. As I brought fourteen changes of clothes with me.

Then I cooked the rice by crunching it. I also got this from the Survivor Austrailian outback. It tasted really good. As I journaled and I read my bible. I went to the hospital twice after I self-inflicted myself. Nobody at my work or in my family knew. Except for my mom and dad. I still have hallicinations. But I have gotten them mainly under control though.

But what would happen if I told my co-workers or John even. I feel as though they would only say that they were sorry. And then they would move on. Like sorry but I don't care at all. As they have been doing me for the past few months. This trip is really giving me time to think. As I went to go to bed by eleven.

 

[JPPT1974]

Day 31: I went to workout and did some taebo. Today was one of my better days on the Pearl Islands so far. And I went and did not just once but twice worked out on taebo. It gave me more energy. Not just for my heart and lungs. But also to clear out my brain and mind.

I also went to journal a whole lot as well. And read my bible and did my devotions. I underline verses as well as read my devotions. Very, very clear this time as I have been all month. I read in order to understand the verses better. And clearer to put them not just down on notebook paper. But also better to put them down in my heart and mind.

I went for a swim in the oceans. I had on a new bathing suit. Thirty-one days down and eight more to go. My hair is getting more heavier on me. And even though I had only two headaches in my life. This long hair was about giving me one. Since it was so, so long on me. I will cut it very, very long asap.

That is after I get back from the PI. Either in the states or going to a hotel. I dived a bit near the waterfall. It felt good to dive near the waterfalls. As it was so, so gourgeous. As well as breathtaking. I then went back to the hut to change. I changed into the same outfit I wore yesteday.

I went and rested a bit before I got up and walked on the beach. I walked on the beach alone. It was very beautiful as the sun was going down. I just sat there on the beach in the sand. Thinking about whatever I could think about. It was like yoga but only better. I looked at the skies as they were all God's skies.

Then I went back to the hut to eat my supper. I had some rice and I thawed the bread out. The morning today so that I can have something other than rice. The bread tasted really good and fresh. I put some butter on the bread. I also for the first time, put some butter on my rice. I cooked it watery as it tasted good. Very, very good I admit.

I have had one rested day as I slept like a log. I then put on some fire before I slept. Because it felt very cold tonight. And I could hear the oceans from my hut. The hut was very, very windy. But still cozy as I was making it cozy as possible. I turned out the fires as I went to bed. Made sure twice they were off. Because there was no way hosea I didn't want to start a big, big fire at all. To catch stuff on fire.

 

[JPPT1974]

I went into the oceans and I swam a bit. I again went and dived off the beautiful waterfalls. It was cool and crisp. Just the way I want it. And matter of fact, everybody wants them. As I jogged over and over. Back and forth and back and forth today. I needed the swim and maybe a break from the taebo routine. Though I couldn't live without taebo.

Day 32: I went to the PI with no worries, no concerns, nor cares it seems. Today on the beach that is. And that I worry about what others think. People may not seem to care about their attitudes and do so at others expense. But in the end, it will cost them something, Sadly their lives maybe even. I want to be others friends. Really I do even if they don't want me to or not.

I did something for the first time today while being here in the PI. I jogged on the beach. To be honest with you, I hate to jog. But I jogged on the beach in place of my taebo. I don't know what gotten into me. But I jogged on the beach. It felt really good to jog on the beach to be honest with you. I did so in my bathing suit and trunks.

I thought long and hard about my thoughts of hurting others at their expense and their children's expense. I also thought long and hard about hurting them because IMO, that would be way, way too easy. If I couldn't hurt them, I could hurt their loved ones. That would send them in rage. Hurting them is one thing but hurting their loved ones is another thing. That could push some buttons off you know. But better not as the Lord would take care of things.

I went back into the hut to journal. As I read my bible and did my devotions. I listened to some music in who knows how long. I listened to some classical music and some jazz as well. Afterwards, I cooked some rice. It was crunchy this time. I have been using crunchy rice more than I have been using watery rice. Crunchy I heard also seemed more healthier. As well as tastier. I went to walk on the beach again. I layed in the sand. Not caring it seems about anything in the world.

I watched as couples were on the beach holding hands. As well as I saw also some people taking a bath in the waters. I haven't taken a bath in two days. I take them once every ten days since I have been here. Thirty-two days down and seven to go. Maybe I will take one tomorrow. Cheating I know but what the heck as I hit the sacks at ten.

 

[JPPT1974]

Day 33: I went and did some taebo. The first thing that I did when I got up. And I did so for forty minutes. It felt good to do some exercising. As I sweated my rear off. And then I layed around and just rested. Not just my mind but my heart and soul.

I also did a breast check to make sure that I didn't have any lump or lumps on my chest. Or anywhere else. But I felt a lump on my chest. I felt as though it wasn't just any kind of lump. It was a pretty small lump. I felt that for the first time. It felt as though I needed to get it checked. The hospial thank goodness was about three or four miles away. I would be taking the bus tomorrow.

I needed to get my breast checked asap. Or else it could grow really slow or fast. Either way, it could be good or bad. I always heard from my mother if you catch it fast, it will disappear. And that you won't have any cancer at all. If you get a small but very important operation, it will go away. ASAP! I will follow her advice and do so.

After I was trying to touch my breast and other areas for lumps. I do that not just once but twice a month. You are only supposed to do it once a month. But I feel as though I need to be healthy. If that is I wanted to live a long and happy. As well as prosperous life. If I want to live to be 100.

I have like a trillion to 30 chance of living to be 100. If I also eat the right foods and workout. Like I have been doing since 2001. On and off that is. With it being on since 2003. I layed out some rice as I went to the oceans. And dived off the beautiful waterfalls. And then I swam in the oceans. It was very, very gourgeous and breathtaking. Another beautfiul day indeed.

I went back to the hut and changed. I will wear new clothes tomorrow. In order to prepare for the hospital. I will wake up at five in the morning. And to make sure that there aren't a lot of crowds when I am there. But who knows, if it will be busy or slow. As I cooked the rice watery.

I straightened out the hut a bit. As I swept and did some cleaning up the pots. I also went into the oceans later on and bathed. I had to do it with the bathing suit on. Even though there were people skinny dipping. In which I took my eyes off on them. But hey, I am me and they are them. As I went to bed at eight. Because I have to wake-up early tomorrow.

 

[JPPT1974]

Day 34: I woke up very early this morning at five. I went and changed my clothes. I went and I got a bus. To take me to the nearby hospital. As I went there very early. The bus comes about every half-hour and I would have to catch it asap. After I changed into some clothes and gotten a bath the other day so that I wouldn't smell.

I went and it wasn't that busy at the hospital. It was very slow. And people were just moving along. They were just pretty sick with illness. I didn't know any language except good-ole english. They took me in about 7:00 am. I told them that I felt a lump in my breast. That I check my breast twice a month. Unlike once a month in order to be healthy.

I was then brought in by an OB/GYN in the local hospital. He spoke english very, very well. With an accent of course. As he looked at my breast. And then I told him like I told the nurse. I only felt my lump just yesterday. I also told him the same story about twice a month looks at my breast. To check any lumps as he told me that was good.

I admitted to him that I feel as though I want to get the lump out. Like as soon as possible or asap. Because I really don't want to have a lump in my breast. I want to stay and be healthy. As I told him that I was on a month vacation about. He told me that he could operate on it right away. But it would have to be either this afternoon or tonight.

I am so, so glad that they took me right away. Because I guess it wasn't that busy at all. As I am glad that I didn't have to wait to go back to the states at all. To get my operation and breast exam there. Then I changed into the hospitial gown and did the hospital routine. Urine sample, shots, I also brought in my medication, and also other things.

I didn't bring my bible nor did I bring my journal nor devotions. As I needed to rest and felt like resting on a normal hospital bed. As I only had a gown on and nothing else. I couldn't eat or drink anything until after 1:00 pm. I found out that I would be taken in by 3:00 pm. It worked out very well. They told me by examining me and taking some x-rays, that they thought it was very, very quick that they & I got the lump on time. Before it grew big and worse.

That they detect no cancer at all. I told them I was adopted so I didn't know if the woman who gave birth to me had cancer in her family history. As they wheeled me in. As I would be awake during the precedure. They talk me through it. As I wanted to sleep as I took a tranquilizer. It took an hour to get the stuff removed from my breast. Then afterwards I passed out and fell asleep.

 

[JPPT1974]

Day 35: I slept very peacefully all night last night and today. Though I was waken up after the operation was over and done. I felt really tired as well as drugged. But also that was from the drugs that put me to sleep caused me to have hallucinations. As I just couldn't eat at all last night.

But I did eat this morning. In matter of fact, it was my first major meal since I have been on the islands. I ate some bacon, scrambled eggs, and some pancakes. It tasted really, really good. Hospital food is supposed to taste like you know what. But I didn't seem to care whether hospital food tasted bad or good. It was really the first real meal that I have tasted. It was like I was in heaven.

They told me that I could leave the hospital at 3:00 pm. That I needed the drugs to wear off of me. I told them that I came on my own. And that I didn't have anybody, not even one person at me. As I went to rest and rest. Then I was hoping and waiting that three came asap. Then all of a sudden, three came. And I bathed not once but twice all the time. It felt really good to bathe.

As I changed into the clothes that I brought the other night. I went and got into the bus. And rode to my hut. I can't wait to just stay in my hut. And just rest and relaxed. As I plan on not at all doing nothing. No exercising, no swimming, nothing. I still felt so, so tired. As I went almost slept all the way on the bus. As I had to wake up myself not to miss my hut.

I also didn't do any bible reading, journaling, or devotions. I didn't eat anything after having that beautiful meal of breakfast. That breakfast hit the spot for sure. As I went and slept all day. I needed the drugs to wear off asap. On my body.

 

[JPPT1974]

Day 36: I am still a bit tired. From the operation as well as fatigue. And also I feel as though I don't want to do anything at all. I feel as though I need to just rest. The doctors and nurses told me that I need to rest for a few days. Not really doing nothing but mainly eating and sleeping.

I did read my bible and devotions. As well as just journaled a bit. As I missed yesterday since I just got back. They told me that I didn't have cancer. And glad that I caught it really bad. That is the second time that I escaped death. Not just to cancer as well as suicide.

I think there is a perk to one thing here. There is no phone at all. Since I hate phones. I did have to use the phone at the hotel clerk. To make sure that I can get in the hosptial the other day. To get an operation and for the doctor to see me in. I am glad that I am no longer have a lump on my breast. Though short as it may have seen.

I went and just also cooked some rice. I also cooked the rest of the chicken with what I had. I cooked it fried. Since it was great that time. I am glad that I cooked it well-done. Along with some rice. It felt good to have some rice and chicken. Which is one of my favorite meals.

Afterwards, I cleaned up the loft and did some washing and drying. I felt pretty cleaned after I washed without my clothes. On for once at the hospital. Then I continued to read my bible. And do my devotions and finished them. I listened to some music. And I saw people walking down the beach.

To my surprise there were kids on the beach. But of course, the parents were there. As they went and made sure the kids were safe and sound. Away from strangers that may want to do something not so nice. Which was good I so thought. As I hit the sacks at ten. Still very exhausted and tired.

 

[JPPT1974]

Day 37: Again my doctors and nurses told me not to work out at all. Just take it easy since I got out of surgery. But like I wrote in this journal. I escaped death not just once but twice. Once to a lump in my breast. And another to trying or thinking about committing suicide.

Maybe the Lord told me not to commit suicide. Since He probably nudged me in the heart. Saying that it wasn't my time to go just yet. And that He has so much potential to offer me. And also that He wants me to live to be an old lady. An old lady maybe with or without a family. Since I am an only child.

But I also thought about yesterday. I until I went to the hospital, didn't have anybody to talk to. Much less either they care about me. Or I care about them or anybody else. But I am glad that at least one or two talked to me. And with me as well.

I can't wait to go and workout. I may workout either tomorrow or the last day that I am here. I will tip the servers about 10%. Maybe put off in-between $60-80. Or maybe even $100. As I will also begin to clean up the hut tomorrow. To give them an easier time.

Everytime I am back from swimming, exercising, and even the hospital. The hut welcomes me with "open arms" as there are fresh towels. Fresh bed spreads. Everything from the bathroom and bedroom is cleaned. And very, very smells like a breathfresher, which it was. It was so, so beautiful. Now it was time to do my part.

I read my bible and did my journalling. Before I ate my supper of crunchy rice. I made my rice watery and chicken like I said fried. Then I went to journal a bit. I missed only a day in my journal. Afterwards, I walked around on the beach. And I sat down on the sand. It was very, very beautiful.

I then went back into my hut. As I laid down. Getting ready to go to sleep. I will need to pack all day. Put the clothes that I haven't worn in one bedsheet, the ones I have worn and washed with water and bar of soap in another sheet. I brought two sheets with me. I have only worn two things of shows which I brought only three. As I went to bed at ten. A lot of work to be done tomorrow.

 

[JPPT1974]

Day 38: I went and I got ready to clean up a bit. I told the door people not to come. Meaning I put a Do Not Disturb Sign out. Getting ready to clean up. As I cooked for the first time in days. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

I cook rice for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. But fixed it differently. I cooked it crunchy for breakfast & lunch. For dinner, I cooked it watery with some chicken. I swept in the hut. As I got my sheets to get ready to hang by the door. And again, I put out the clothes that I haven't worn in one bedsheet. And the dirty ones in the other.

I also on the way to the hut from the hospital. I went and got some cleaning stuff. Of course, I would let the hospital staff do the vaccuming. As I went and clean-up the bedrooms and bathrooms. Dusting, even cleaning up the toilets and bathtubs.

Also emptying out the fridge about. As I tried to conserve the rice a bit. I was about out of rice. So I thought I better use it all. For all three meals. But during these past thirty-seven days, I only had one meal. Mainly 97% of it being rice. Chicken once or twice during this whole time.

I needed some protein along the way. As I also cleaned up the dishes and the pots. As well as cleaned up the freezer and refridgerator. I put in some baking soda. And cleaned up the fridge and freezer with soft scrub. It was all day cleaning for me. And I am going to workout the first thing in the morning.

I sprayed the hut all day. Making sure it was so, so clean to the next person. Who inhabits this hut. As I put the sheets and the towels in the dirty clothes basket. As I ate all day today since cleaning makes you feel hungry. I will clean up when I get to a hotel.

As I layed and did my devotions. And journaled a bit and do in my bible. And I packed up all of my clothes and all of my shoes. I can't wait to go back to the states. I also can't wait to floss and brush my teeth. Again I wanted to play it very, very hard. To be stripped of all things. I will floss and brush my teeth tomorrow. As I brought floss when I left the hosptial. As I hit the sacks at ten. Checkout time will be at 3:00 pm est.

 

[JPPT1974]

I got up on Day 39 and the final day. My plane doesn't leave until 5:00 am in the morning tomorrow. As I will have two plane changes. One in Miami and the other in Louisana. To get back to DC. I worked out on taebo after missing a few days due to theraphy. As I also swam for the last time at the beach. I swam near the oceans. The oceans were very beautiful as well as clear and like the blue skies. Dived off the waterfall several times.

Then I came in as I dried off and will be checking into a hotel shortly. I went to tip the staff. Thanking them and wishing them nothing but the best of luck. Thanking them for all of their good and wonderful hospitality. And I had my clothes in one suitcase. I brought no make-up at all. I got a toothbrush, floss, and mouthwash to go back. When I will do so at the hotel. I cleaned up all day. Boy working out afterwards makes you feel more calmer and relaxed.

As three o clock in the afternoon came. As I would check in to that hotel I booked about a month ago. It was really a nice hotel for the day. As I signed in and was about sun-tanned. As I tanned really easy. I went into the hotel and I took a shower. More than five times. It felt good not to have a bathing suit on while you shower. There was a shower and bathtub in the hut I stayed for thirty-nine days. But again, I wanted to play Surivor-style.

Then I went to shave off my legs and even arms. Several times as well as cut down my toe and fingernails badly. I flossed and brushed several times as well. Using mouthwash a lot. I also would go and get a haircut as my hair was very wet when I went. To save time. I got my haircut about six to eight inches. I wanted to donate it to Locks of Love charity. But they said it had to be ten or more inches. Well, next time I will hold them to their word.

I also went to the restaurant. And I ordered a huge steak with salad, steamed veggies, baked potato. And got some strawberry cheesecake. I was so, so hungry. But I was steal hungry after I ate and got myself some Diet Dr Pepper and took about at least a case up there. Drinking them as people were staring at me. Thinking that I was dirt poor. And never had food in my life.

With all due respect, I didn't even care if they were looking at me or not. As I went back and guess what? Had another shower and went to get a massage. I scheduled one for 8:00 pm that evening. It felt like heaven. And it felt I was so, so relaxed and didn't wanted to leave the hotel. Even though I was ready to leave the PI. Though I have grown to love this place. Afterwards, I loved the massage so much, I got another one since the place wasn't that busy.

Afterwards, I went and got another shower. I had by far the best day ever. As I journaled this morning and did my exercises. I dreaded coming back. Because I would be coming back to work and to people I thought that were my friends. Also I even took a recorder to record my journey here. As I would go back to my now or soon-to-be better yet former boyfriend John. It was pretty emotional this morning. Only to end much, much better in the evening. I felt relaxed after having a real, real meal with the exception of the hospital breakfast. A massage, or make that two massages. And most of all, a hot shower. More than several hot showers and cleaning myself up afterwards. Both on the outside. But hopefully on the inside. So after tomorrow, good-bye PI. Hello DC. Ready or not, here I come!