Burning bridges.

[Silent Bob]

[Rant] I just burned my last sturdy bridge. The outcome of a life long attempt to isolate myself is around the corner. I am angry at myself for f*ing up every attempt to connect to people by asking too much of them. I hate myself for my self involvement. All I have left is Prozac, Valium, alcohol, cigarettes and emptiness. An emptiness I have been trying to fill in various ways. Sometimes it is music, sometimes it is philosophy, sometimes it is theology, it has been pot, sometimes sex, many times food. It has also been love. But love dies and goes away, especially when you are as self-involved as me.

I had to sit on my computer because getting up makes me want to hurt myself. I need to surround myself with moving images of pixels and background sounds to block my thoughts away. My thoughts, my greatest enemy, I am my own nemesis. Nirvana once sung "I hate myself and I want to die" well that is in part the story of my life.

The rest of the story is that I am too much of a coward to do something radical so don't call the cops yet. I am trying though. Chain smoking, binge eating, isolating myself, hurting those close to me in an effort to keep them away, being unable to connect to others or severing my connections through my own stupidity and self involvement.... A downward spiral in search for the bottom, have I hit the bottom? Nope, I am still alive and I am still going down.

I used to think that if you hit bottom hard enough and you survive there is only one way to go, UP. Well thats fine and dandy but then you are dragged again towards the bottom. Now I have all the momentum and the bottom is almost close enough to see. No doctors can help, no parental advice will be any good, I have trained myself not to listen to my friends all I have is Prozac, Valium, alcohol, cigarettes and emptiness and no matter how many things I use to fill it with it is still empty.

Anyways boys and girls. Pray for me or feel pity or show compassion or share a rant. I don't know why I am posting this I just need someplace to vent and this is was the first place I could think of.[rant off]

 

[Frangible]

Here's a crazy thought. Go on an extended wilderness trip.
I've found that sometimes you can learn a lot about yourself and how to better handle things in such a situation, and it can be pretty spiritually enlightening. I've talked to some other people at my church who had the same experience; but I don't have any formal statistics or studies to back that up with. Just make sure to do your homework first on necessary shelter, clothing, food, water purification, gear etc and let people know where you're going and when you'll be coming back.

I'm not a therapist or doctor or anything, just something that helped me when I was feeling the same way.

 

[UnitynLove]

Do you like yourself?

Most people don't like themselves. I've had many years of experience, trying to help people be whole emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and socially. I felt like it was a major breakthrough when I discovered that most people really don't like themselves. Some of them know it, while others don't even have a clue that this is probably the root of so many other problems in their lives.

God wants us to have great relationships, but self-rejection and even self-hatred are at the root of many of our relationship problems. In fact, I have found the Bible to be a book about relationships, providing valuable advice about my relationship with God, with other people, and with myself.

How are the relationships in your life? What about your relationship with God... and with other people? How about your relationship with yourself?

Did it ever occur to you that you have a relationship with yourself? While I've never given it much thought, I do spend more time with myself than with anyone else, and it is vital that I get along well with me. Remember, you are the one person you never get away from.

We all know how agonizing it is to work day after day with someone we don't get along with, but at least we don't have to take that person home with us at night. We never have one minute away from ourselves, not even one second, so it is of the utmost importance that we have peace with ourselves.

Many of us fall prey to self-rejection because we don't feel that anyone really loves and accepts us. We figure that if nobody else loves us, then why should we love ourselves. Because we think others don't love us, we feel that we must not be worth loving. But that is a LIE we have believed for way too long!

We should love ourselves—not in a selfish, self-centered way that produces a lifestyle of self-indulgence, but in a balanced, godly way that simply affirms God's creation as essentially good and right. We may be flawed by the years and the unfortunate experiences we have gone through, but that doesn't mean we are worthless and good for nothing.

We must have the kind of love for ourselves that says, "I know that God loves me, so I can love what God chooses to love. I don't love everything I do, but I accept myself because God accepts me." We must develop the kind of mature love that says, "I know I need to change, and I want to change. In fact, I believe God is changing me daily—but in the meanwhile, I will not reject what God accepts. I will accept myself as I am right now, knowing that I will not always remain this way."

Many times, people who reject themselves do so because they cannot see themselves as good, or proper, or right. They fail to see themselves the way God sees them—as precious children whom he loves dearly.

As you begin to see yourself through God's eyes—as someone who is loved and cherished—your view of yourself will begin to change. You will begin to see yourself, not as rejected, but as loved and accepted...unique and beautiful in His sight

 

[Silver-winged Flyer]

Bob, in a very small way I think I know how you're feeling. I've built up walls so people can't get in, I've been too pushy with people so they start avoiding me. I've only got one friend and he was an answer to prayer after years and years of pleading with God for a friend. It was worth the wait. Even though he's not a Christian he has been the best friend I could ever have had. I have treated him so badly-hurt him, sworn at him, got angry with him and not because of anything he's done but he's never given up on me. It might not be too much of an encouragement now but God will never let you go through more than you can deal with and I'm sure He will give you friends who will never leave you no matter what. And remember He is your Friend and only He can fill your emptiness.

 

[edwardelricsfan]

Dear bob
i lost a good friend to suicide. and i wanna help you in anyway that i can i want to be your rock. I know that emptiness you. I know that feeling all to well. plz let me help you b4 you hurt yourself and others. If you die you have no idea how many ppl will be hurting. i dont believe you ahte yourself you just need to find yourself and maybe i can help you and you can help me.
what do you say?
edwardelricsfan