Buddy advice?

[Skilletdude]

Hey, I was curious if anyone here would be able to give advice for... well... basically "making friends". I'm asking here because I figured someone could understand where I'm coming from with this and how to go about this.

First off, I've struggled with depression since... well 7th grade so that was like... 97 so do the math =P In that time till now, I've never had a friend. Like a real friend. I mean I've had a couple peeps here and there that I may have hung out with for a bit at school at breaks but other than that... nothing. Back in the day I really withdrew from people cause I hated myself A LOT and figured no one wanted to be around me.... anyway blah blah blah...

I've come a long way since then as far as anxiety and nerves and just being ok with myself. But I can not connect to other people for squat. I can carry on basic conversations with acquaintances but anything past that I'm lost. The thing that makes it hurt the most is that I'm really like an extrovert... but you'd assume I'm an introvert. Extroverts feed off the energy of others and drains when you're alone and Introverts feed on alone time and get worn down around others. That's what REAL Extroversion and Introversion is. So I've desperately wanted just one good friend or two where we could just do stuff and hang out and talk and whatever. Anything can be fun when you have a friend. This has been my main goal for years. About 8-9 years ago, I wrote down my thoughts in like letters to God... And I've actually hit all the goals I set for myself except the major one which was to have a really good friend or two.

Maybe my idea of friendship is to high. Anyway...

Ok so I really struggle with depression A LOT and social anxiety but I'm not too bad with the anxiety anymore... It's just I have no life... so there's no foundation to build any kind of friendship on. With the depression, it's really hard to keep positive... I did something a couple months ago though that I'm glad I did but... Well there was dude, I thought the world of at work. He treated me like a little bro or a best friend. The way he treated others and the way he was very self assured and positive made him really someone you wanna be around. I really wanted to be like him. For years I would try to think "ok how would this person react in this situation" to try to come over anxious stuff and be a bit more confident. I really wished I could have a friend like him cause he just seemed very non judgmental and someone you could talk to about if you were struggling... And one day we were talking and I just kind of opened up to him about it... which I was super nervous about but he was really cool about it and said he'd do whatever he could to help.

So we go and have lunch every once in a while and it's really cool. I mean I don't think he knows how much it makes my mood jump when we get to meet up and eat somewhere. The thing is, I don't wanna talk about myself or anything... but aside from that, there's not much for me to talk about... and it's not like we have common interests... he likes/works on cars and I know nothing about em. I have managed to pull it off this far and really only talked about myself twice... But I see him all the time at work and I just don't have anything to say most of the time. And this is how it pretty much always is for anybody. I just never talked a lot or had real buddy buddy conversations. Even when we do have common interests it's just hard to get to know people. I'm just really slow at warming up to people in the first place that I have to be in constant contact with them. So aside from work, there is no where this happens. And when I try to venture into a new hobby that may be more social, I just never fit in. If I had someone with me trying out the new hobby, I wouldn't feel bad at all. But always trying stuff alone really makes me uncomfortable and awkward.

So I'm really bummed. I've never even had this much of a friend and he's really cool for going out to lunch even though he's married with kids and works graveyard shift. And when we do seem to manage to talk about stuff, it makes me really happy but I really don't know how to develop friendships. He's really playful and treats me like we've been best buds forever but...

Basically there is no foundation for friendships cause I have nothing to offer and I never learned how to have em. It's also made emotions quite a roller coaster from one day feeling so happy and the next feeling so hopeless and then back up and down. You have no idea how much I would like to just have a good friend or two. Do stuff, talk, whatever... heck, just getting a text that is not automated or from your mom or relative.

 

[J0SHUA]

Well don't take it personally because there is nothing wrong with you. You seem friendly and the only reason why you don't have friends is because of depression. Have you ever tried medication or therapy? Or maybe a depression support group?

Try to meet people with the same hobbies as you. For example if I was in a guitar class and wanted to be friends with some guy, I'd ask if he wanted to jam some time. That would be a little awkward though so in that situation you'd probably want to try asking 2 others guys at the same time. When you said "I don't know how to develop friendships" I know exactly what you mean, since I had about 100 acquaintances in high school but only about 5 real friends. You have to reach the next level and meet them outside the usual. For example, in high school a girl once asked me to go to the mall with her when we had only talked at school and through texting. That's breaking through into friendship rather than acquaintance, or dating depending on the situation I guess. If we just always talked at school and nothing else we'd just be acquaintances. The reason why this happens so often is because people think it's awkward to invite someone out to do something, but that's when you have to man up and do it anyways lol

When you're talking casually with an acquaintance, ask them what they like to do in their free time. If they say something that you like to do as well, invite them to do it with you. If I asked someone what they liked to do in their free time and they said "geocaching" I'd say "Let's go geocaching some time!!" straight up. You'll have to be confident in conversation. If you replied "oh.... yeah.. cool....... I uh.... like geocaching too.. yeah..... maybe we should.. uh.... like........ ya know....... go.. like..... some time.. together." they wouldn't want to go with you. You'll have to be lively and upbeat. Even if you're feeling depressed, fake it til you make it. Don't fake who you are but don't let the depression take over. You're choosing to conquer the depression by doing this.

You could also ask them what they're doing this weekend. If you're doing nothing and that person is doing nothing, ask if they want to see the latest and greatest movie that's in theaters. Don't worry what they'll think when you ask this, they will most likely think it's a fun idea and if they don't, they most likely just don't want to do anything or they are being uptight. They won't think it's awkward that you asked, unless you literally just met the person. Also try to keep conversations going; ask good questions that require detail and really focus on what they are saying. Don't just zone out and reply, "yeah." or "I see." Be really interested in what they're saying so that you give a conversational reply. If social anxiety is bothering you, you're doing the right thing by doing this. You're gonna have to decide one day that you don't care what people think and that you're gonna do what social anxiety doesn't want you to do. To overcome depression and social anxiety, you have to force yourself through the things they are stopping you from doing. Ask God to motivate you so you can do this.

You already have a good attitude. You said that you set goals and succeeded in all except one. That's great, most depressed people will just decide everything is hopeless instead of getting up and out and helping themselves. When you get discouraged and get the hopeless feeling, you have to reject the negative thoughts and get back up again. Don't be the one that just gets overcome by negative feelings and gives up. Just get back up and forget about it. Everyone that makes these kind of goals are going to have setbacks, but it's up to you if you want to give up or move on. Also don't be discouraged from the past. The past has nothing to do with the present and you never know what could happen. I will pray that God directs you toward a good friend if it is according to His will. God bless

 

[miss-a]

You know, it sounds to me like you're doing really well with this friend. It's just that it's new and uncomfortable, even though getting together with him is cool and enjoyable. I would really encourage you to keep getting together with him whenever you can. It takes time to build a friendship, but it sounds to me like you are doing just that.

It also sounds to me like you are judging yourself very harshly. If this guy is so cool and so confident and fun to be with, it seems to me like you've attracted a very cool friend and he wouldn't spend time with you if there weren't qualities about you that were likeable and valuable to him. So please cut yourself a break. The more lunches you have, the more you'll get to know each other and each of you will share more and the friendship can develop. Maybe you could even suggest doing something after lunch. Even though you don't know about cars, to a certain degree cars are interesting to most of us, because most of us need them. Maybe there would be an auto show or maybe you could ask him to teach you about car stuff, you know, basic maintenance things or something like that, down the road, as a means of showing interests and connecting with him.

Anyway, I think this sounds like a good connection for you. Don't judge it because your time together is limited. It's that way for most of us. My friends don't have a lot of time for me. I've learned to understand that. Everyone has so much going on and I get that. I do my best to enjoy them when I can, and after a long time, I've gotten so I can enjoy doing things alone with the Lord as well. And I don't mean just Bible study and devotions. I've learned that He'll go on a hike or out in the kayak with me. Sometimes I think those of us who have a lot of alone time are much more blessed than we realize. We have a great deal of time to get to know the Lord in ways others don't. He's taught me to laugh and talk with Him, things I'm sure many of my friends don't do or even believe possible. So don't forget to do fun things by yourself, and share them with the Lord.

Meanwhile, give yourself credit. Finding good friends is a challenge for all of us. It seems you have the beginnngs of a good one. Good job! Keep it up! And keep in prayer about it, too!

Blessings,
a