E, I cannot believe how some of the things about John in Clara's blog sound so much like my husband! I cannot stop reading this! It's so scary.
This entry, especially!
Married to a Pedophile: The List and the Haunting Smirk!
He often smirks when he knows that I am hurting and I try to express it to him. He has to try really hard many times to keep a straight face. Sometimes he will drift off into his own fantasies when I express my hurts and concerns to him. He has made lists upon lists. "Let's make a list of the ten ways that we can love each other better". On the surface, it looks like a benevolent request. But joined by all of the other anomalies, it is not. I have found it strange that he often repeats things verbatim, rather than voicing his own thoughts and words. He will repeat things that I've expressed, word-for-word, in texts or conversations to family members, only displaying them as his own thoughts. When he speaks to me at times, I know it's something that he read or something that someone else has spoken to him, and if I ask him, he usually tells me the source. It's like he is so preoccupied by a fantasy world that he needs lists and quotes from others to try to come across with any sort of normalcy.
He is very much like John (and oddly enough his name is John, too), in that he has all of the superficial manners of a "southern gentleman". He opens doors for me, is kind and charming to elders, and he definitely sparks up around children and animals. In fact, his excitement for animals has seemed a bit off at times. He told me once that he was aroused when he fed our rabbits. On one of his old hard drives, I found a movie that he filmed when he was a teenager, and I was horrified. It was a very violent depiction of an orgy arranged with stuffed bunny rabbits. When I asked him about it, he said that yeah, it is sick and at least he isn't laughing about it anymore. Laughing? There was nothing-- and I repeat- NOTHING- the least bit comical about this. His use of slow-motion to enhance the violent motions was very deeply disturbing.
I am very sad to relate to some of Clara's experiences. My H is a video editor by trade. A few years ago, I hosted VBS at church, as I was the children's event planner, and one of those times, my husband (who was just a friend at the time), flew over 1000 miles (we lived in different parts of the country) to come and help. Someone else who served at VBS expressed concern that he was shooting a lot of video of the girls, and when I saw the footage, I did agree that he seemed to take more video of particularly cute little girls. I asked him about it and he said he just treasures God's beautiful children and wanted to get the right shots for the video we were making. In all the times that I have asked, he has told me that his porn addiction never ventured into pedophilia. But I am not confidant of this.
I have noticed him doing other strange things, like intentional brushing against other women. When on planes, for example, he will notice a woman walking down the aisle toward the bathroom, and at that moment dangle his arm from the seat so contact happens as she walks by. I've noticed him doing similar things in other public transportation settings. I called him out on it, and he told me that I was crazy and that he would never and has never done such a thing.
Gaslighting.
It's becoming more and more clear to me, especially as I read Clara's blog, that his sickness likely goes much, much deeper than I realize. And I do NOT want to EVER put a child in harm's way, let alone live a life of abuse and misery myself. I am thankful that God has not given us children yet, and I need to get out of this situation.