Broken, don't know how I will make it through this

[confusedbutloved]

Last week Friday my sons and I moved out my husband's home (children are from previous marriage). We've been married for 8 years, together for 10. In August my husband told me it was over, he has chosen a life of online gaming addiction over our family, our marriage. Our home was in disrepair,although my sons and I tried to keep up the best we could. We had no furnace, flooding in the basement, mold, etc. The house was neglected, our marriage, our family. First he was in denial that he has a problem, then he blamed us for his gaming addiction. He plays a game online for up to 16 hours a day, calls into work sick alot, etc., and after he told me it was over, I think he met someone in real life from the game that he plays, he stopped coming home every night, but that lasted a few weeks. Anyway, the house was unhealthy and for two years I've waited and waited and prayed for my husband to get help with this addiction, it has caused so much pain, financial hardship and has effected every part of our marriage and life. I sought counsel at church and tried to love him through this, but then he became aggressive and shoved me a few times now. Anyway, we moved Friday and I feel so empty, I hate our new place because this was not the way it wa supposed to be. We were to live out the rest of our lives together. He is not a believer, nor was I really when we married, I was baptized about three years ago. We had no intimacy for a long long time now. I was not the perfect wife, nor will I pretend to be, but I hurt so much now, I am so broken, Idon't know how I will get through this, I can't sleep at night, I feel like a death has occurred, I talk to my sons (both over 18) every day when I get home, Iknow they are trying to take care of me and are putting up a strong front, but I am worried about them, my youngest was especially close to him. He has been so complacent, he took my name off the title of the house when I asked, everything I asked he agreed with, he is not fighting at all for our marriage. I took very little when we moved and am so thankful to the Lord for the friends that have helped us with giving us extra furniture they had. I feel like such a failure, that my husband would choose a cartoon character or avatar or whatever it is over me, that he won't fight to save this marriage, that he wants it over, I feel as though I have failed God yet again, will He forgive me? I can't put into words how broken I am, I cry day and night, I came to work and people found out and come up to me to tell me how sorry they are and that's all it takes before I break down and turn away. There was never a goodbye, we didn't say goodbye, he wasn't home when we moved out, instead of a furnace we needed he bought a laptop so he can play his game more, I took care of everything for years, this was not supposed to be my life, I can't see how I will make it through this, I just can't. Everytime someone tells me that I am strong and that I will make it through I want to scream or when they say it will be okay, no it won't be ok, I feel such an emptiness. Someone please tell me what to do, how to not keep falling apart, I can't even serve right now where I usually serve because I just can't stop from breaking down. I have never been through anything more difficult in my life.

 

[McScribe]

You have been in an unhealthy and toxic relationship and you can be free of it. The main thing you need to do is accept that you are a person with inherent worth and that you have every right to be unhappy but also to be relieved, to feel free of the need to try to be in harmony with someone who doesn't respect you. make wise and good choices for yourself and your kids and allow yourself to grieve.

 

[mjmcmillan]

You need time to grieve and cry about this. It hurts. It hurts a lot. For what it's worth, I think you did what you could to try to save your marriage but your husband chose online gaming over you and your family. The failure isn't yours, so don't accept it as yours. Take some time, and don't be ashamed to ask for help from friends and whatever family is nearby. This is a raw deal and there's no denying it. You have my prayers.

 

[FallenPaladin]

If my wife started playing games online like that there would be mysterious problems with the computer not working.

 

[Conservativation]

Viruses spread man...they spread

 

[Luvmy5grls]

How are you doing confusedbutloved?

 

[bliz]

You have not failed God.

The first thing they teach you when you want to become a lifeguard is that the most important thing is that you not be pulled down by the drowning victim, our there will be two victims.

You need some counseling - a safe place where you can work through this change in your life and help you mourn for the life you lost.

 

[faithinmyself]

My heart goes out to you and your boys. I hope you update us soon. Hang in there. You did what the only thing you could do. We are here for you!

 

[TrustingWife]

Praying for you.

 

[confusedbutloved]

UPDATE: Thank you all so much for the prayers, since we moved out on October 8th, things have been so hard and as I said I felt like a failure, failure in my marriage, my family and again, failed the Lord. Since my last post, I spent much time crying, much time praying and asking God to deliver my husband from this gaming obsession, to heal him and us as a family. We have not spoken since my sons and I moved out, but my husband did tell me via email that he is not working now, he is on disability and at home, he is being treated for depression and anxiety, however I know that he continues to game. I don't know if he is being true about getting help, or if he actually took did this to get more time off of work. Also, as I said before I believed that he may have been unfaithful right after he told me it was over, I'm not proud of this, but after finding out how he was telling friends he tried to "work things out" which was so untrue, I set up a fake facebook account and added him as a friend, and thinking that I was someone else he said that he is looking for someone to keep him company, he also lied about the circumstances of our breaking up, broke my heart all over again. Before this for a short time I stopped crying every waking moment of the day, it was as though the clouds had parted and I knew that God was telling me I will be ok, stop crying, we're not done yet, I have a purpose, get out of bed stop crying and get on with it. I resumed serving at the food pantry where I serve on the weekends, resumed some kind of normalcy, returned to my small group after a hiatus while this was all going on, started answering the phone and talking to people again and now it's like the fresh pain is there all over again. it happened all over again. He said he won't file for a divorce because he doesn't have money, not because he wants us back, but because he doesn't have money. It's hard to believe that this man actually proclaimed to love me so much before and is now looking for "company" elsewhere, I feel so stupid and used and hurt.

 

[LisaMC-D]

UPDATE: Thank you all so much for the prayers, since we moved out on October 8th, things have been so hard and as I said I felt like a failure, failure in my marriage, my family and again, failed the Lord. Since my last post, I spent much time crying, much time praying and asking God to deliver my husband from this gaming obsession, to heal him and us as a family. We have not spoken since my sons and I moved out, but my husband did tell me via email that he is not working now, he is on disability and at home, he is being treated for depression and anxiety, however I know that he continues to game. I don't know if he is being true about getting help, or if he actually took did this to get more time off of work. Also, as I said before I believed that he may have been unfaithful right after he told me it was over, I'm not proud of this, but after finding out how he was telling friends he tried to "work things out" which was so untrue, I set up a fake facebook account and added him as a friend, and thinking that I was someone else he said that he is looking for someone to keep him company, he also lied about the circumstances of our breaking up, broke my heart all over again. Before this for a short time I stopped crying every waking moment of the day, it was as though the clouds had parted and I knew that God was telling me I will be ok, stop crying, we're not done yet, I have a purpose, get out of bed stop crying and get on with it. I resumed serving at the food pantry where I serve on the weekends, resumed some kind of normalcy, returned to my small group after a hiatus while this was all going on, started answering the phone and talking to people again and now it's like the fresh pain is there all over again. it happened all over again. He said he won't file for a divorce because he doesn't have money, not because he wants us back, but because he doesn't have money. It's hard to believe that this man actually proclaimed to love me so much before and is now looking for "company" elsewhere, I feel so stupid and used and hurt.

My dearest sister, while I would never insult or diminish your situation by saying I understand what you are going through, I can tell you my ex-husband had an addiction and similar things happened here. I was advised to read an amazing book, "Boundaries" by Dr.'s Cloud and Townsend. It helped tremendously. Please contact me through PM if you need someone who can just listen. I have an unlimited calling plan, so bring it on! Hugs, Lisa

 

[HAPMinistries]

It's hard to believe that this man actually proclaimed to love me so much before and is now looking for "company" elsewhere, I feel so stupid and used and hurt.

Don't feel alone.

I got married at 24 to my childhood sweetheart, who I did everything I possibly could for, supported, she never had to work, and loved. Yet, for all my actions, I was treated like dirt, and was always being put down. I bought her a brand new Ford Mustang, and I was treated worse. She would leave for no reason, or let me say, she would start a superficial fight, and then leave. Eventually it all came out she was having an affair, and I divorced her.

I was like, what was that about? Why did you tell me you would love me for the rest of my life?

I was very low. Just getting up in the morning and brushing my teeth was an accomplishment.

What helped me, is I quit replaying it all in my head. That is the first big step.

I am glad that you are still praying for him, I prayed for her and the reconciliation of my marriage for 3 years, and though it did not work out, I know I did the very best I could, and I do have peace in that.

I wish I could say life got better, but I married again, but the woman I married, who was also divorced, I found still had feelings for one of her exs, and when she would disappear for days, I eventually found out where she was going.

So, after 2 divorces, and a lot of things going on in the head, I can not tell you that this pain will ever fully go away. It will not, no matter how wise the words are, it doesn't stop the bleeding. BUT Jesus can give your life reason and purpose if you allow God to. Simply put, you can not control what your husband is doing, and you are separated now for a reason.

Quit looking him up. Let him go.

I want you to write down things that you always wanted to do with your life, be it Travel, or become a Doctor. Whatever it is, start making steps to accomplish this task. You have to start LIVING. You can not stay in this pit. Even if he has to reach WAY Down, or even climb into the pit with you, Jesus will lift you up and place you on solid ground. Do not think that God can not empathize with you.

Jer 3:8 And I saw, when for all the causes whereby backsliding Israel committed adultery I had put her away, and given her a bill of divorce; yet her treacherous sister Judah feared not, but went and played the harlot also.

God understands rejection from people he loved. Still God never stopped being God, and you need to keep on, or start living again.

 

[foodiepeep]

Sorry to intrude on the thread, but I too could really use some mutual support to endure my impending divorce (that was strictly caused by abuse).

 

[HAPMinistries]

Sorry to intrude on the thread, but I too could really use some mutual support to endure my impending divorce (that was strictly caused by abuse).

Here for ya.

I believe "Divorce" is a situation that the church has completely swept under the rug, not in it's condemnation, but in it's restoration process. I see those that go through a "Divorce" as wounded, left to find their own way back to the medical center, because the "Paramedic Ministers" choose to leave them because their wounds are difficult to address.

I believe we have an obligation to address situations that effect, and potentially destroy, Christians, and our obligation does not allow us to negate our responsibility to try because we see it as difficult, complicated, or simply hard. I believe it is time we raise an army of wounded soldiers.

I want you to know that though the days seem dark, it will come to pass if you hold on to Jesus Christ.

 

[confusedbutloved]

Thank you everyone for the encouraging words and for listening to me. Lisa, thank you so much, we actually had a "Boundaries" class at my church, the only problem was that with his aggression and shoving me a few times I was afraid to set boundaries with things like unplugging or taking away the computer, I was afraid what he might do. I tried to PM you, but I can't because I haven't posted enough yet. The word "why" keeps coming to my mind, why after 10 years together is this happening, "why" did we drift apart, "why" did he turn to a game or someone else, "why" wasn't our family enough for him, what did I do to fail this marriage, did I drive h im to that gaming addiction, so so so hard.

Hap, I am so sorry what you went through, I know it must hurt immensely and I pray that the Lord heal your heart and that you continue to use what you went through for His glory and to share His love with the brokenhearted and I like what you wrote to Foodiepeep and it is so true, the days and weeks when we first moved were so dark, but the Lord held on to me and I saw a light at the end of that tunnel that told me I am not walking alone and that I will make it through this.
Foodiepeep, I am so sorry that you are going through a divorce and for any abuse you may have suffered. As many shared with me, God would not want you to stay in a dangerous situation. It's not easy to go through this, the hardest thing I have ever gone through and I would definitely encourage you to seek some kind of counsel, we have a divorce recovery group at my church but it doesn't start until January, but I will be going and I encourage you to find a place where you can share with brothers and sisters who will ilft you up in prayer and walk alongside you through it.

Thank you all. God bless you!

 

[LisaMC-D]

My dear family, I guess the greatest gift I gained was allowing the Lord to escort me through the divorce. Yes, I initiated it; but I truly was given a choice to either walk with God or do it myself and decide where God should be. The consequences are many. However, the "punishment" is non-existent. I may try to punish myself because I feel I should be punished, but I think that is worse than my divorce.

As I wrote, there was addiction on the part of my ex-spouse. As his addiction deepened, he abandoned me and our 3 children, he took steps to cut us off financially, and he brought our 11 year old son into his world. (I just found this out a few months ago.) There are laws that are in NJ to prevent a spouse from walking away from obligations. I had, and I say that because I became the head of household, to get support for my children. The only option was the Justice system.

Now, here is where I do not wish to challenge anyone who feels firmly against divorce for ANY reason. I would just beg for prayers for those of us who have gotten or are getting divorced from you. In my situation, the whole process evolved over many years. I started at the top: with the Lord, and worked my way through our church elders, counselors, and pastors as scripture advises someone who has been "offended." My 'job', so to speak, was to trust God to be God. But what I discovered was that God still wanted to be my Abba; it was my choice! I could embrace Him even through something as awful as divorce. And believe me people were watching! I could see the tide of "if it could happen to them after 20+ years, it could happen to us" wash through my church. It is a frightening thing. Praise God He is who He says He is!

 

[LisaMC-D]

Thank you everyone for the encouraging words and for listening to me. Lisa, thank you so much, we actually had a "Boundaries" class at my church, the only problem was that with his aggression and shoving me a few times I was afraid to set boundaries with things like unplugging or taking away the computer, I was afraid what he might do. I tried to PM you, but I can't because I haven't posted enough yet. The word "why" keeps coming to my mind, why after 10 years together is this happening, "why" did we drift apart, "why" did he turn to a game or someone else, "why" wasn't our family enough for him, what did I do to fail this marriage, did I drive h im to that gaming addiction, so so so hard.

Hap, I am so sorry what you went through, I know it must hurt immensely and I pray that the Lord heal your heart and that you continue to use what you went through for His glory and to share His love with the brokenhearted and I like what you wrote to Foodiepeep and it is so true, the days and weeks when we first moved were so dark, but the Lord held on to me and I saw a light at the end of that tunnel that told me I am not walking alone and that I will make it through this.
Foodiepeep, I am so sorry that you are going through a divorce and for any abuse you may have suffered. As many shared with me, God would not want you to stay in a dangerous situation. It's not easy to go through this, the hardest thing I have ever gone through and I would definitely encourage you to seek some kind of counsel, we have a divorce recovery group at my church but it doesn't start until January, but I will be going and I encourage you to find a place where you can share with brothers and sisters who will ilft you up in prayer and walk alongside you through it.

Thank you all. God bless you!

I would advise you never try to take your husband's matters into your own hand; ie fiddling with the computer. But you can and are entitled to set the boundary of stating "I am not going to suffer for this anymore. You must leave or the kids and I must leave until YOU are willing to address this." Separating from the addiction does not mean divorce. Standing up for yourself and your children is not going against scripture...as a matter of fact, I discovered asking my ex to leave was a step of faith on my part. I had no idea at the time.

 

[Jeremiah1]

My heart goes out to you.

It's quite obvious that HE is the stupid one!

Praying.

 

[ripple the car]

any man who would chose on-line gaming over a loving wife and his own children is not someone to break yourself over, should he end the marriage. video games can turn people into something they're not. honestly, i wish on-line gaming could be banned. it has hurt my own marriage, and i've seen it wreck long-term relationships, too.

hang in there. this is not your fault, and you have not failed God in any way. i agree with Lisa, don't try to bait him over the computer. give this time. let yourself cry, and cry out to God, too. treat Him as your friend, counselor, and physician, because that is who He is. ask for His help, and guidance, and give this time. give yourself time and opportunities to move on with your life, too. volunteer, pray, take care of yourself, and let God work on your husband.

this is not your fault, and clearly your husband is in great need of help, a reality check, and a change of heart. will keep you and him in our prayers over here, too.