broken and strained relationship

[Musician4Jesus]

DISCLAIMER: The relationship I am referring to is the one with my mom. I am not denying, and am FULLY ACKNOWLEDGING that I am part of a cause of the relationship being strained; as for how....I sometimes read more into something than is actually there/misinterpret, I get defensive, a lot of times I am too sensitive/overreact. So I am willing to take responsibility for the ways I am at fault. This is here for the sake of clarification.

However, there is a lot ways she is at fault for this too; I am not blaming her, I am being honest about how she acts

*Apologizing is pointless; she NEVER accepts my apology. I get part of her reasoning is to think before I act, and I understand this. I do try to think before I act; however I am still human and am still going to make mistakes. If I screw up, then what else can I do but apologize once I've made the mistake? It is really annoying that trying to apologize is basically pointless.

*There is no possible way she can be at fault with the conflict. I am always the scapegoat; if a conflict occurs it's always my fault....if I didn't act like 'x y and z' or do 'a b, or c' the conflict wouldn't have occurred in the first place.

*We are complete opposites; we don't even agree on WHY we disagree; she thinks it's because we're too similar, and I think it's because we are polar opposites. If I do something differently than she does, she immediately thinks I am implying her method is inferior or wrong, and that I am deliberately doing it that way to aggravate her. I've tried to clarify to her 50,000 times that when I do something my way I do it that way because it's what works for me, NOT because I think her method is wrong; however trying to tell her this has been to no avail.

*She doesn't support any of my goals; she thinks they are a complete waste of time and won't accomplish anything. She says she'll support me with them when she sees I have success with them; if that is how she is going to 'support me' with my goals, why bother? It totally defeats the purpose of doing so.
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*Nothing I do ever seems to be good enough; I am not saying she doesn't notice what I do right/ stuff that pleases her, but the majority of the time, all that seems to be noticed is what I don't do, or what I do wrong.

*She doesn't trust my judgment/discretion with ANYTHING. She gets on me about EVERYTHING In every aspect of my life. I understand part of this is because she is 'being a mom' and her motives are because she loves and cares about me; however she has always smothered/overprotected me, since I was a kid, and she still does so today. It is driving me insane.

She gets on me about how I spend my money, doesn't support my goals, how I eat, how I spend my time.....and it is really annoying. If I spend money on myself, it is taboo; basically because I am low income I don't deserve to splurge on myself at all. I can see the issue with this if I first blow my money on whatever I want without taking care of my financial responsibilities first, but I don't do this. She doesn't think I know how to manage my finances at all; however I pay rent, I pay for my own groceries, I have a credit card and always try to pay the bill in full, so I won't go into debt using it, I do tutoring and pay for that myself. Add to that my credit score is good, and I don't owe any debt to anybody.

*I get the accusation of being sarcastic for just being honest and/or merely making a point. I get accused of 'half the reason I do the stuff I do, I just do it deliberately to anger her/annoy her, which ARE NOT my intentions at all. I don't deliberately go out of my way to start conflict with her.

This relationship seems broken and strained beyond repair. I can't confide in her with anything that is important to me, if I do all we do is clash and/or a conflict occurs.

 

[RickardoHolmes]

Did you read Toxic People by Lillian Glass? It has some good points about how we get drawn into these types of conflicts, and how to recognize and move on.
It sounds like you both love each other, but you need to get over the psychology that is standing in between your relationship. This is about honoring her, and respect, which something you can both enjoy if you can get over your maladaptive behaviors.

 

[com7fy8]

Sounds like how my mother could be "impossible". And we know that with God all things are possible

In my case, I would just leave and take a walk . . . one time, from the Boston area to North Carolina. She left me a note saying she missed me and wanted me not to leave, like that, and to talk with her about problems. "Of course", she did not really have the ability to do that, I knew. But then I trusted God, and I would say He had me stay and learn how to love her. But I never really got it right. I was too critical of her, when I could have enjoyed caring for her and sharing with her about her life and interests. And I could have appreciated, more, helping her by doing chores and taking more interest in her garden.

So, now she has died and I live with the fact that I did not love her like I could have. But with other people, now, I can learn how to love. There have been impossible type people in my church, and I have given myself to God in prayer and waited for Him to make me strong in caring for those people, and so I am being an example to them > like, in me be in the attitude that I am loving them and being encouraging for them to join me in pleasant, kind, sensitive sharing, and they aren't going to have power to make me any other way.

But the problem ones have maybe not been able to connect with me; but if I stay in a positive and caring and encouraging-to-join me attitude and spirit. this keeps me "in shape" for sharing with the ones who are real in love.

What really helps me is having Jesus people who are an example for me, of how to relate in love; and this keeps me reminded that the impossible and critical people are not the only ones in this world. "And they are not the ones controlling things . . . though they might think they are and might be trying to . . . and might be in-your-face like they are." My example people include leaders who are getting the real ministering done, quietly and humbly . . . while troubled people can be performers and micro-managers > the leaders do their work, and can be very good at being there for me, at times to help me to serve And they know there is hope for the wrong ones.

God is able to change any of us to get real in loving so we can share in mutual submission with one another >

"submitting to one another in the fear of God." (Ephesians 5:21)

By the way, Musician for Jesus . . . there were things my mother was right to criticize, and I have now benefitted from some of these things . . . though at the time I was upset and feeling rejected. If you are getting negative about certain ways she confronts you, that negative reacting can mean there is something to what she is saying; however, only God is able to bring us to what is really right > a wrong person can be very good at pointing out how we are wrong, but a wrong person can not show us what is really good. So, God can use a wrong person . . . but only so much

She told me I needed to listen to people; I could hold quite the one-way "talk show" with people. But when she died and would not be around to micro-manage how I talked with her friends, I prayerfully decided not to take advantage of this, when I was notifying people about what happened to her; but I did make a point of listening to each person, to feel each one out, so I could say what could be helpful to say with each individual. And it was like, "Hey! I like this listening to people." lololololol

And God, though, is the One who can make me really able to feel for other people. Instead of criticizing, have compassion >

"He can have compassion on those who are ignorant and going astray, since he himself is also subject to weakness." (Hebrews 5:2)

 

[sunsurfkdt]

Whoa! Your mom and my dad sound exactly alike!!!! Every thing you said reminds me of my dad. Everything! But, lemme tell u....they are not changing, Hun. Not in a forced way anyway. I've tried passive, and then..lol...(I'm laughing coz I was pretty dumb to think it would work)...I tried to be a bit more aggressive...hoping to get a point across ...which it did not. It backfired horribly..for both of us...ended up with hurt feelings, stress for me, ugly words..semi physical fights! Not. Good. Never. Again. Lol . I guess I got impatient and was hoping I could *make * and manipulate him to be nice to me and treat me the way I wanted to be treated. But...even if it did work...it wouldn't be genuine..and so ...it would have been a failure . being passive, letting things go, sucking up a lot, works! Staying upbeat! Not worrying about insulting things, like when they insult you say something positive back. (Bless and do not curse) .this has given me the most results...I was just getting impatient and wanted him to be nicer faster. Also, prayer! Prayer is best. I have to say, if I am not prayerful around him, my mouth will shoot off something smart. Or I'll allow myself to sulk. Lol.so while he's yelling I must be praying or else! And there's no other way to do it. I *must* pray. I just can't keep my mouth shut on my own unless I do. I just can't. Coz he knows how to get under my skin like no other. And I feel he likes to! Which is another irritant to me . but when I pray! God gives me the grace to stay positive and be kind...and he reacts positively. I mean it is getting better! So I am pleased with the direction its taking. But you *can't* without prayer...if ur mom is anything like my dad and it sounds like she is. If you don't pray during the time she's saying something...u will fail. It's our human nature to retaliate. I personally don't have this problem with anyone else. But guess what, I don't love another human being as much as I love my daddy