Bringing Others Into Marital Problems?

[Busybee]

Let's see, where do I begin. First of all, it's not my husband and I who are having the problems, but our neighbors/his best friend. They are having major problems because she's a sahm and won't tend to her duties as keeper of the home, spends excessively (this known for a fact), and stopped taking her birth control pills to get pregnant without telling her husband she'd stopped and he was very adamant about not having more kids (this is also a fact).

Yesterday, my hubby got a call and it was his friend's wife. Well neither of their vehicles was at home and there was no way of knowing who was and wasn't there. So he went down there and was back in like 2 minutes which was odd and I asked him why he was back so fast. His guy friend has packed up and left because they'd had some sort of big falling out.

Come to find out, she was the only one there and asked my husband if he knew if her husband was cheating on her with someone online or at all.

I'm not in the least bit jealous, but am disappointed in her dragging my husband into the middle of this. Asking him to come down there without inviting me along while she KNOWS she and her husband are already having problems. What she asked him, she could have done on the phone or at least been respectful enough to tell him that her husband wasn't there.

I think the whole situation was just asking for trouble. What if her husband had come home in those minutes my husband was there and gotten jealous or whatever. They're already seeking counseling through a professional.

Anyways, my question is, how should I handle this situation. I'm not mad, but I just see the potential for lots of trouble. I feel my husband needs to tell his friend that she called him and asked him to come down there for that purpose, but I also want her to know that I'd like for us not to become involved in this unless it's biblically based (praying together, etc, although I don't know if she'd be receptive to this as she was already getting church counseling from the older ladies and the pro counselor). I want to tread lightly as not to hurt her feelings during this troublesome time.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

 

[tonya]

Well this is just my 2 cents...You and your hubby should be very honest wth the other husband..b/c she may have alteroir motives to make him jealous and the devil is totally loving all of this so he can be deceitful and make things appear like something they are not..also PRAY... and have a blessed day...

 

[pegatha]

I agree with Tonya. It's probably best for your husband to tell his friend, before the other wife tells him and potentially twists it into something different. Then you and your husband need to agree together that he will only see her in your presence, and only if strictly necessary. It might even be better for you to only see her in the presence of another person.

In this case, I think you should leave the ministry to others (although of course you can pray for her). I'm saying this because her behavior (inviting your husband to her home alone, to talk about her husband's alleged infidelity) shows some level of manipulation and lack of concern for basic proprieties. I don't know where she's headed, but I see the same potential for trouble that you see.

If she calls your husband, he should immediately recommend that she call one of those older ladies instead. If she calls you, perhaps your response could be to tactfully suggest that you and she get together with one of those ladies for prayer. If she just wants to vent or to fill you in on the details, you should find some gentle way to end the conversation, perhaps by saying something like, "I don't know the details and it's better if you don't tell them to me, but the Lord knows all about it, and I'll be praying for you." The thing is, you mustn't allow yourselves to be manipulated or put in a vulnerable position by someone whose motives are questionable.

Remember, she's already getting godly counsel and help, so there's no legitimate reason for her to be confiding in either of you. Inviting your husband over was a definite red flag, in my opinion.

 

[Busybee]

You and your hubby should be very honest wth the other husband..b/c she may have alteroir motives to make him jealous and the devil is totally loving all of this so he can be deceitful and make things appear like something they are not..also PRAY... and have a blessed day...

Ladies thanks sooo much for you help! What you all said is exactly what I was thinking (red flags and trying to make her husband jealous). I also thought about how bad it could've been if he'd came back home and found my husband there even though it was a very short period of time. I'm thankful my husband had enough sense to get his hiney back up here promptly as well, because I would've been quite upset if he'd stayed down there any longer.

She hasn't even bothered to come to me about any of her problems prayer which I'm more than open for, but I refuse to be counsel when they have a pro and the older church ladies helping. I've been praying for them, but at the same time I refuse to sacrifice my family.

Let me put it this way, she has some great qualities, but at the same time I've heard her MYSELF talk about one of her "girlfriend's" sons who was 4 at the time, like he was literally a dog IMMEDIATELY after her friend left their home . Then I saw her with that friend of hers within days. After that incident and one more (I confronted her lovingly with witnesses on the second one), I stopped even going down there to socialize and yep she attends church. I'm friendly when we see each other, but I certainly wanted no part of talking about a child like that so choose to keep my distance.

Hubby will be home in about 15 minutes and I'm going to sit down and have a talk with him. If he doesn't tell his friend, then I'm going to before she twists things like you guys suggested.

Blessings to all.

 

[alaskamolly]

If she asks for anything else from you guys, I'd tell her politely that you guys will be HAPPY to help them get set up with a trusted pastor for marriage counseling, but that you don't think it would be fair to either of them to bring yourselves into this mess. And then...I'd stick with what you said.

If you get involved in anything, I'd go give a call to whoever's counseling HER, and let them know things from YOUR perspective. She's probably painting the story very differently to the counselor, if my hunch is correct, which isn't going to help their situation any, that's for sure.

 

[Busybee]

Yay, praise the Lord. I just had the talk with my husband and he agreed as well. He said he didn't go in the house and that her sister was there, but I still let him know that his being present there at all wasn't good for the situation and how I felt about it. He agreed wholeheartedly to everything, even telling his friend. I also explained to him that I wasn't angry about it, but that the approach she took wasn't correct.

Thanks gals. You all have given me very sound advice and you can be sure I'm heeding to it.

 

[Flipper]

I have to wonder that if he tells the husband, that he could later be pulled into it as a fact witness for either side.

I have to side with not saying anything to anyone except to make it crystal clear that neither of you will talk about it or be involved in any way.

 

[rented mule]

I have to wonder that if he tells the husband, that he could later be pulled into it as a fact witness for either side.

I have to side with not saying anything to anyone except to make it crystal clear that neither of you will talk about it or be involved in any way.

I agree Flipper.

My personal feeling is that private matters between a husband and wife needs no other outside input except in such cases as there is a legal reason (such as divorce, judiciary requirement, restraining order, police involvement, etc.), or for marital counseling reasons (such as telling a therapist). I don't even feel that a spouse's parents or family--let alone friends--should be made privy to some of the sacred things that go on between husband and wife, of course and unless there are legal ramifications or issues pending. Involving other people so often unnecessarily complicates the issue.

While you've already been involved to some degree, I would strongly consider setting some sort of boundary now so that they don't think they can involve you anytime they feel like it. Involved or not, sometimes you have to just let nature take it's course. Keep in mind that there are plenty of situations where a spouse never came back to reconcile because they learned at some point after a dispute that the other spouse told everyone else what happened between them. So to leave matters well enough alone is, quite potentially, the best thing you can do for them.

I would also consider this: you never really know how people are going to respond once 3rd parties become involved in private marital affairs. You don't want to be any kind of catalyst to what happens at this point. So I agree with Flipper, if I were you, I'd stay out of it completely.

 

[Busybee]

Ack Flipper. I'd mentioned the same thing to my husband BEFORE I just read your post so that's ironic. I told him, he could wind up getting pulled in/summoned during a divorce hearing if it comes down to that with them if she involves him and that she could've been asking questions for that purpose.

We're still going to opt to tell the other husband together (will definitely need to pray about it first to be sure God wants it rather than just us), but we will have no part in it beyond that (other than my for them).

I really hate this for them as there are 2 kids and another on the way that are going to end up really hurt during this. We live so close to them that all I have to do is open the front door and can see their home, so their situation is ever present on my mind .

 

[Freckles1234]

For what it's worth Busybee I think that you and your husband are doing the right thing. I will not only be praying for the other couple and their children but for you and your husband through this.

 

[bliz]

Somehow I can't get past the feeling that you are "tattling" to the husband on the wife. "Do you know what she did? She called my husband down to her home and..."

Now you know that her sister was there so your husband was not alone with this woman, not even alone outside of her house. I don't know that any of this is worth mentioning to her husband. What good will come of it? Who will benefit from that knowledge? It sounds more like you are trying to hand the husband a weapon he can use against his wife.

Now you know that she is living there alone so your husband will not go there alone in the future. I'd keep my nose out of this.

I think that your obvious dislike for the woman has had a major impact on your ability to be objective about the situation.

 

[Busybee]

Actually bliz I NEVER said that I disliked her (I do dislike her hurtful behaviours towards people). If you'll notice I said that she has some great qualities, but I do choose not to be around her on purpose and there is NOTHING AT ALL wrong with refusing to listen to someone bad mouth and belittle children and their "friends". My nose was kept out of it UNTIL it involved my family. I've known what was going on there for months now and have elected not to make mention of it to either of them as it wasn't my business THEN.

As far as handing her husband a weapon, no I'd never intend to do that. Have YOU taken into account how he may feel if on down the line he later finds out the discussion between his wife and my husband, but my husband doesn't mention it to him (his best friend)? I KNOW how I'd feel. These aren't just strangers hon.

You're making it sound as nothing has happened other than my/our wanting to "tattle" to the husband for NO reason. I'm sorry but I would want to know if my husband had asked a close friend of mine about my cheating.

And as a matter of fact he WAS outside alone with her at her house. Her sister was IN the house.

I do appreciate your advice, however, you should soften your "tone" a bit. You came across rather harshly, making it seem as it I have no rights in this matter even after my family has been involved or as if I just want to cause her harm. (and if you didn't mean to come across that way, then I do apologize, but it is hard to tell at times with people on the internet)

 

[Busybee]

Thanks so much for your prayers Freckles!

 

[Freckles1234]

Busybee I am going to tell you why I feel that you and your husband are doing the right thing. Years ago we were friends with a couple and we were back and forth quite a bit (I had been friends with the woman all through high school) when things started to fall apart. We never said a word about it because it was none of our business - they hadn't come to us with it at all. Then one night my husband was in the reserves and there was a dance being held and of course we asked this couple to come with us. When we got to their house to pick them up only he was ready to go - they couldn't get a sitter and we offered to stay home with them, the husband said no they had decided that he would go until midnight and then he would go home so that she could go the rest of the evening. So we went. About 11 o'clock this man was pretty blitzed and he found a woman whose husband was also pretty blitzed and the woman and my friends husband went to who knows where. At that point I wanted just to get out of there and go home. My husband Henry, for some reason had stayed pretty sober and he said to me no we are not going home we have to tell Carol and I said to him that we had stayed out of it this far and I didn't want any part of it. Henry told me that it was my girlfriend and how would I feel if it was the other way around. We went together from the dance and told Carol - she cried and was really upset - not because of us telling her but because of others not telling her. Others, that were supposed to be their friends, that had seen the same kind of thing as us and did not tell her when they had seen things. To this day Carol and I are still friends, the others that knew and didn't say anything to her are no longer friends with her. There was a divorce but we were never called into court as witnesses and that was out of respect for my friendship with her. We have talked about it since and she says that she still thinks back all those years and thanks us for having come back to her, it was the evidence that she needed for herself that she was doing the right thing. Apparently this had been going on for 4 years she knew it but could not prove anything within herself until we told her.

I don't really think but that you have any choice except to tell him and yes, you and your husband have to do it together. I'll be praying for ya.

 

[Busybee]

Freckles I truly appreciate your telling me why you felt that way. We just recently came out of a situation involving my own brother in law and his now ex-wife. Neither my husband nor myself told him anything and he had to find out from everyone else in town (small towns tend to know everyone's business and things spread like wildfire here). Needless to say, he was quite upset with his brother (my hubby) and myself for not saying anything to him about what we knew. I always hate being put in situations like this. Please keep us all in your prayers (them and us). God bless you for taking the time to tell me about your situation with your friend.

 

[Freckles1234]

I will be keeping all of you in my prayers. We were also in a small town situation with the problem with Carol and her husband.

Btw those are two beautiful children that you have.

 

[bliz]

Busybee -

I'm sorry if my tone was harsh; it was not my intent to be harsh. It was very much my intent to say what I thought and what I saw in the situation. Rereading the thread, I agree that I could have softened my tone, but I'm afraid that I don't have anything different to say.

You are concerned about the potential damage of a conversation that took place outside of a house, for less than two minutes. According to your original post, your husband was back home is about two minutes... allowing time to travel from one house to the other, I'd have to say that was a very short conversation.

If your husband's best friend wishes to believe that your husband did or said anything improper, he will, no matter what your husband says. If he knows your husband's good character, which I'm sure he does, it erally doesn't matter what she tries to make of a 2 minute conversation.

I'm sure that as a Christian you are praying that this marriage might be restored - that hearts would soften and God would be glorified by the restoration. Adding her attempt to pump your husband for information to the mix does not seem consistent with working toward a restored marriage. Now, had she propositioned your husband or something like that, it would be a very different matter and the friend should know, but that isn't what happened.

I still advise staying out of the matter so that both you and your husband will then be in a position to encourage work on repairing the marriage.

 

[Busybee]

Well bliz, I feel I owe you an apologize too ( ) .

The Lord has been at me about MY OWN tone I used. I don't feel I responded in loving kindness to you as well. I thought about PMing you, but since it occurred here for all to see, then my apology needs to be in the same place. My old flesh, kept me refusing to come back and tell you I was also wrong, but I guess the Lord said he wasn't having it

I do understand your points as well. So far no one has said anything to anyone. Things are good and I'm still praying for them, us, AND MYSELF.

God bless you all daily!!!!!!