I am wondering if anyone has ever dated someone, decided to break up for awhile, then began dating that person again? What were the factors in the first break up and how did you change things when you began dating the second time around? Has anyone gotten married to someone they broke up with and then began dating again? Thanks!
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Breaking Up Then Making Up
- Thread starter Living4Him03
- Start date
well, one of my boyfriends and i did this: (we were an LDR)
active relationship... he came and visited for a weekend... very short time later he said "we should take a break." Decided we still were in love so we got back together... I went down to GA for a week to be with him. two months later he says "we should take a break" when he goes back to college in the fall. So we "take a break" *rolls eyes* until he's ready to date again about a month later. We're active for another 4 months or so until yet ANOTHER break initiated by him... back together after that (wow, this was a STUPID pattern to be in) and then we finally broke up for good 5 months after THAT. I am sketchy on the dates and such, but man, who cares when he broke up with me FOUR times?!!? what was I thinking? I know what it was: I'm in love with him so it must be God's will. shocker, it wasn't what God wanted.
hehe. so i don't have a good story to tell with a happy ended except that I loved a man and ended up following what God wanted by breaking up with him for good. Not that this kid was a bad guy. He is AWESOME and we're still friends. But he just didn't want to work on it and started a run-away mentality.
maybe it was because we were young and still quite stupid.
active relationship... he came and visited for a weekend... very short time later he said "we should take a break." Decided we still were in love so we got back together... I went down to GA for a week to be with him. two months later he says "we should take a break" when he goes back to college in the fall. So we "take a break" *rolls eyes* until he's ready to date again about a month later. We're active for another 4 months or so until yet ANOTHER break initiated by him... back together after that (wow, this was a STUPID pattern to be in) and then we finally broke up for good 5 months after THAT. I am sketchy on the dates and such, but man, who cares when he broke up with me FOUR times?!!? what was I thinking? I know what it was: I'm in love with him so it must be God's will. shocker, it wasn't what God wanted.
hehe. so i don't have a good story to tell with a happy ended except that I loved a man and ended up following what God wanted by breaking up with him for good. Not that this kid was a bad guy. He is AWESOME and we're still friends. But he just didn't want to work on it and started a run-away mentality.
maybe it was because we were young and still quite stupid.
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Sascha Fitzpatrick
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Oh pick me! 
Yep, it's me - and I wouldn't recommend it to MOST people - you have to be pretty brutal and honest about your expectations the second time around.
B and I met just after his defacto had moved out (they'd broken up a year before she moved out) and I had just broken up with my fiance. THAT should give you an idea as to WHY we broke up!
The reasons we broke up was because there was a lot of fallout from our past breakups, and it was affecting us. For example, I was afraid to actually LEARN his love languages, and pushed him away before he had a chance to explain his behaviours - I originally dated him because he was SO removed from my ex (a good thing), but would freak out if he did ANYTHING remotely like my ex would. I often let him use me in ways to make me push him away even more (if that makes sense). We also broke up because of his closeness to his ex-defacto at that point, and the fact her needs often seemed to far exceed mine, in his mind. I couldn't handle that, and had MANY arguments with him over it.
We broke up PROPERLY (there were a few months of 'just friends' - out of public though, we were often crossing into 'bf/gf affection behaviours' - we fooled ourselves a lot, out of fear of being hurt if we admitted we were dating again) for about a year all up. We had officially moved away from all 'clayton's' behaviour in about June 2003.
I was actually his flatmate through all of this (moved in 26 Dec 2002, moved out 29 Nov 2004), so was still in close proximity to him, and realised that we both still cared heaps about each other. I think it was in April 2004 that I went to him, shared my feelings, and said that due to the growth I saw in both of us, I felt a good relationship could occur again. I wanted to take some time for both of us to address the problems we'd had last time though, so suggested we talk about it for once and for all on 1 September 2004. If we weren't ready at that point, we'd never be, and we'd have to let go of any feelings for one another permanently.
So, that 5 months was hard. It took lots of prayer, lots of 'when you do that, I feel...' kind of conversations to realise how the behaviour one of us thought of as 'normal' was actually hurting the other person. I needed to see all ties broken with his ex permanently, that I was considered in decision making, and that he was being aware of how certain words/phrases he used could hurt me (they're the main ones I can remember). He needed to see an ability for self-control from me (ie not reaching out for affection to stop arguments), an ability to discuss things rather than retreat when it got too hard, and an ability to be patient (I'm still working on this). Needless to say, when September rolled around, we realised that the things we needed to see happen had happened, and that we could truly say we loved each other HEALTHILY for the first time.
It's hard sometimes. It's very easy to step into old behaviours when we are hurting, and it's been a continual battle not to. It's also wonderful because we've known each other for 3 years now, so we can often see 'triggers' long before the behaviour occurs, and can curb it before it becomes a problem.
I wouldn't recommend getting back together with any old love to anybody normally. I think the things that really helped us was getting counsel from a couple of trusted friends, being open about how old behaviour hurt us BEFORE we got our hearts back involved, and reading a few great books. Boundaries in Dating (Cloud & Townsend) was fantastic for this, as was Mens Relational Toolbox.
It takes patience. It takes honesty, and it takes not allowing immature behaviours to happen anymore. It's hard, but worth it in the end, if you put God first in this, and know this matches up with His desire for you.
Sasch
Yep, it's me - and I wouldn't recommend it to MOST people - you have to be pretty brutal and honest about your expectations the second time around.
B and I met just after his defacto had moved out (they'd broken up a year before she moved out) and I had just broken up with my fiance. THAT should give you an idea as to WHY we broke up!
The reasons we broke up was because there was a lot of fallout from our past breakups, and it was affecting us. For example, I was afraid to actually LEARN his love languages, and pushed him away before he had a chance to explain his behaviours - I originally dated him because he was SO removed from my ex (a good thing), but would freak out if he did ANYTHING remotely like my ex would. I often let him use me in ways to make me push him away even more (if that makes sense). We also broke up because of his closeness to his ex-defacto at that point, and the fact her needs often seemed to far exceed mine, in his mind. I couldn't handle that, and had MANY arguments with him over it.
We broke up PROPERLY (there were a few months of 'just friends' - out of public though, we were often crossing into 'bf/gf affection behaviours' - we fooled ourselves a lot, out of fear of being hurt if we admitted we were dating again) for about a year all up. We had officially moved away from all 'clayton's' behaviour in about June 2003.
I was actually his flatmate through all of this (moved in 26 Dec 2002, moved out 29 Nov 2004), so was still in close proximity to him, and realised that we both still cared heaps about each other. I think it was in April 2004 that I went to him, shared my feelings, and said that due to the growth I saw in both of us, I felt a good relationship could occur again. I wanted to take some time for both of us to address the problems we'd had last time though, so suggested we talk about it for once and for all on 1 September 2004. If we weren't ready at that point, we'd never be, and we'd have to let go of any feelings for one another permanently.
So, that 5 months was hard. It took lots of prayer, lots of 'when you do that, I feel...' kind of conversations to realise how the behaviour one of us thought of as 'normal' was actually hurting the other person. I needed to see all ties broken with his ex permanently, that I was considered in decision making, and that he was being aware of how certain words/phrases he used could hurt me (they're the main ones I can remember). He needed to see an ability for self-control from me (ie not reaching out for affection to stop arguments), an ability to discuss things rather than retreat when it got too hard, and an ability to be patient (I'm still working on this). Needless to say, when September rolled around, we realised that the things we needed to see happen had happened, and that we could truly say we loved each other HEALTHILY for the first time.
It's hard sometimes. It's very easy to step into old behaviours when we are hurting, and it's been a continual battle not to. It's also wonderful because we've known each other for 3 years now, so we can often see 'triggers' long before the behaviour occurs, and can curb it before it becomes a problem.
I wouldn't recommend getting back together with any old love to anybody normally. I think the things that really helped us was getting counsel from a couple of trusted friends, being open about how old behaviour hurt us BEFORE we got our hearts back involved, and reading a few great books. Boundaries in Dating (Cloud & Townsend) was fantastic for this, as was Mens Relational Toolbox.
It takes patience. It takes honesty, and it takes not allowing immature behaviours to happen anymore. It's hard, but worth it in the end, if you put God first in this, and know this matches up with His desire for you.
Sasch
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FaithfulServant
The Lord directs my steps
I know a Christian couple who dated when they were 20, then broke up, and got back together again when they were in their late 30s. (Neither had married yet). Hey, its possible
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lunalinda
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- Aug 18, 2003
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*points to self* Yes...me, me. UNfortunately, I've done that before, but just once. I thought it was worth it then, but now is so totally different.
In my defense, it was because he was my first boyfriend that I was so quickly willing to leap back into a relationship with him, no questions asked. Well actually, I DID ask questions, but was willing to overlook his lack of answers. *rolls eyes*
Long story short, he was distancing himself from me several times without ever telling me why, but still led me to believe that he was bummed and depressed and stressed out over school, work, etc. That made me extra clingy to him, because that's the duty I claim as a partner...to be there for my guy in his times of weakness.
Anyway, he called me, told me that he doesn't think it would work with us (his voice was breaking with tears) and that was that. But about a week later, he wanted to go out again, and since I missed him terribly, I accepted his offer. Though I was a bit hesitant at first, it didn't take long for us to feel back to "normal" again, and after the date, I thought it was established enough that we were together again, after accepting his pathetic answers to my questions.
So yeah, I started dating him again and though I was so thrilled, it just wasn't the same. He was still distant, blah blah blah, but never really told me why. And BTW, the second breakup wasn't a smooth one. He just decided to kinda "ditch" me, really, and didn't tell me about it. I had to beg him to contact me so I can get some kind of confirmation, and only after my 3rd email to him (I didn't know his new cellphone number at the time) did he finally say "Oh yeah, I'm sorry to end things like this" blah blah blah, and even then, never told me about the ex. I found about his ex through...get this...his ex.
I know now why that didn't work out, obviously. The boy can have me under a "spell" so to speak. I was so stupid then. But...well...love makes you do stupid things, I guess. And yes, I was in love. Luckily the situation worked to my advantage, and I learned an awful lot since then. I don't hate the guy, and have definitely forgived him for how he treated me. He's apologized to me too for what he did. So I'm at peace with that all.
I've nothing against getting back together with an old love, but unfortunately, it's just not that easy.
In my defense, it was because he was my first boyfriend that I was so quickly willing to leap back into a relationship with him, no questions asked. Well actually, I DID ask questions, but was willing to overlook his lack of answers. *rolls eyes*
Long story short, he was distancing himself from me several times without ever telling me why, but still led me to believe that he was bummed and depressed and stressed out over school, work, etc. That made me extra clingy to him, because that's the duty I claim as a partner...to be there for my guy in his times of weakness.
Anyway, he called me, told me that he doesn't think it would work with us (his voice was breaking with tears) and that was that. But about a week later, he wanted to go out again, and since I missed him terribly, I accepted his offer. Though I was a bit hesitant at first, it didn't take long for us to feel back to "normal" again, and after the date, I thought it was established enough that we were together again, after accepting his pathetic answers to my questions.
So yeah, I started dating him again and though I was so thrilled, it just wasn't the same. He was still distant, blah blah blah, but never really told me why. And BTW, the second breakup wasn't a smooth one. He just decided to kinda "ditch" me, really, and didn't tell me about it. I had to beg him to contact me so I can get some kind of confirmation, and only after my 3rd email to him (I didn't know his new cellphone number at the time) did he finally say "Oh yeah, I'm sorry to end things like this" blah blah blah, and even then, never told me about the ex. I found about his ex through...get this...his ex.
I know now why that didn't work out, obviously. The boy can have me under a "spell" so to speak. I was so stupid then. But...well...love makes you do stupid things, I guess. And yes, I was in love. Luckily the situation worked to my advantage, and I learned an awful lot since then. I don't hate the guy, and have definitely forgived him for how he treated me. He's apologized to me too for what he did. So I'm at peace with that all.
I've nothing against getting back together with an old love, but unfortunately, it's just not that easy.
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I
InTheFlame
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I have done dumb 'break up, make ups' and smart ones. The difference, for me, was understanding what was going wrong in the old relationship, which faults/unmet needs/unhealthy behaviours in him and in ME were causing the problems, and whether they'd been worked on enough to give a relationship with the person another chance.
The short version is - I ended up in a 2yr bitter feud with the guy I did the dumb makeup with, and I ended up marrying the guy I did the smart analysis makeup with.
The guy I married - we knew each other well, we'd become close friends, but because we knew the fallout would be even worse than last time if the relationship broke up at the wrong point, we went VERY slowly for a few months, did a lot of talking about stuff that was affecting our relationship (or might affect it), studied Boundaries Before Marriage/Boundaries in Dating (depends on the country you're in as to what it's called!), and were pretty darn slow to commit to each other as gf/bf. That would've made it easier to break it off if we decided it wasn't going to work. It was hard going, but it paid off I love being married to this guy.
The short version is - I ended up in a 2yr bitter feud with the guy I did the dumb makeup with, and I ended up marrying the guy I did the smart analysis makeup with.
The guy I married - we knew each other well, we'd become close friends, but because we knew the fallout would be even worse than last time if the relationship broke up at the wrong point, we went VERY slowly for a few months, did a lot of talking about stuff that was affecting our relationship (or might affect it), studied Boundaries Before Marriage/Boundaries in Dating (depends on the country you're in as to what it's called!), and were pretty darn slow to commit to each other as gf/bf. That would've made it easier to break it off if we decided it wasn't going to work. It was hard going, but it paid off
I love being married to this guy.
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- May 12, 2004
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My roommate and his fiancee broke up and got back together 6 times in all (each of them tried to break it off 3 times). Everything is working out for them ok now, but it really hurt their relationship (permanently, I think), and so I would be very, very careful how you approach situations like that.
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F
flounder7786
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uuuuh, no way would i break up with someone and then re date them. IT would be like me saying hey...need a break...then lets get back together...it would just be messing with too many emotions..
plus, if there was a valid reason for splitting in the first place...i dont think i would want to find that reason out for a second time
plus, if there was a valid reason for splitting in the first place...i dont think i would want to find that reason out for a second time
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Thanks for your viewpoints/advice everyone! Well, I was asking because my ex has recently come back into my life and we've been emailing each other. I admittedly do still have feelings for him and miss his friendship. I'm not sure that means we should get back together, at least not right away. If we do it will definitely be taken VERY slow this time around!
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missju, I've been through similar. Three splits and two reunions w/in a six month period. Currently, my ex and I are "off again", and I am recovering from the third split (which occurred almost three months ago). Whether or not we'll ever be "on again" is beyond me. I don't wish to be "on" w/ anyone at the moment.
I'll stop babbling now.
I'll stop babbling now.
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HelpingHand
This Girl has a name
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Yep...I'm one of those.....Actually Adam and me have broken up seven times now. and gotten back together six. He actually just broke up with me again last night over the phone. I don't understand what keeps me coming back besides the fact that I love him.... Only thing I can come up with. It's crazy! It hurts, and I wouldn't recomend it to anyone! For the guys that look at this thread, do ya'll always use "I'm just tired of hurting you"? B/c I'm really tired of that.... *sigh* I'll be ooooook.....
Adam and me have broken up seven times now. and gotten back together six. He actually just broke up with me again last night over the phone. I don't understand what keeps me coming back besides the fact that I love him.... Only thing I can come up with. It's crazy! It hurts, and I wouldn't recomend it to anyone! For the guys that look at this thread, do ya'll always use "I'm just tired of hurting you"? B/c I'm really tired of that.... *sigh* I'll be ooooook.....
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I
InTheFlame
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HelpingHand said:Yep...I'm one of those.....Actually
Fear of being alone and lonely? (at least I'm sometimes happy with him)
Subconscious desire to be with someone who won't let you get too close?
Neediness?
Low self-esteem? (I might as well settle for him, I don't deserve any better)
Not knowing what love really is? (parents didn't show you how you deserve to be treated - respect, care, kindness etc)
Insufficient boundaries?
Codependent tendencies? (he always comes back... he really needs me... all he needs is love and patience... he can't help it, he's really trying...)
Unresolved emotional issues?
And no, they don't all use that line... just the ones that're trying to make themselves feel better about not actually fixing anything in their lives (I'm doing this for HER good, therefore I'm a good person deep down).
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Oh sweetie isn't it harmful to the heart? Yeah... and I have no doubt God can heal and restore after every time, but it does take time. I'm proud of you for taking a step back away for now. Maybe God will show you what he's been teaching you during this difficult on and off time. I know I learned a lot.
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