Breaking free from the abuser

[kuyura]

I grew up in an abusive household, running away numerous times to leave the insanity. I kept going back though, as they were all I knew and as a child you do not know where else to turn.
I still see this person who was abusive to me and it hasn't stopped. I feel sorry for them in a way because I see how sick and messed up they really are and I observe their pitiful attempts at still trying to abuse me from a distance. I guess I hung onto the hope that they would change, and I didn't want to leave them because they were family. But now it is too much, I am 29 and I need to break free from them once and for all. This last week has been full of abuse and fear and I have had enough. My anxiety levels are sky rocketing, I feel like crying all the time and sometimes I just don't feel strong enough to break free from this horrible person. I will do it though, because if I don't I will never completely recover from the affects of abuse.
Sometimes I hate them so much I could scream and sometimes I feel sorry for them and I hope they will find the Lord before they die, because as much as they have caused me suffering and grief, I still don't want to see them suffer in the afterlife.
I guess I have just had enough of their madness and I don't want to be a part of it anymore. They also owe me a lot of money and I know it will be a stuggle to get, but as someone who does not have a lot of money I kind of need what is owed. I wish I could just forget about it and not worry if i get it or not, but the bills are rising and it is my money.
Thanks for listening, I guess I just needed to get some thoughts out of my crowded mind. The next few weeks are going to be very intense, I need to prepare myself for what is about to happen.


I know all about forgiveness and forgiving everyone, but does forgiving people mean they can still abuse you? Do I forgive them and continue to allow them to abuse me?

They just rang me before and told me they only love me when I do this for them or that for them and that I am a bad person and this and that. You should have heard the venom in their voice. I just feel so unhappy and stressed by these people. They are meant to be my family.

 

[goldenviolet]

bless your heart hun. do you know about the scriptures telling us not be be unequally yoked with unbelievers?

yes, there is a boundry we need to make. this scripture is trying to convey that we will be full of troubles if we are too close to some people.

how do you tell, who you should be a pacient witness too, and who to put distance between you? judge by your spiritual condition. ask yourself two questions:

1. does this person cause me to stumble about spiritually?
and
2. am i being called to minister here?

if you are stumbling about spiritually (which i can see plainly that you are struggling with many overwelming things ), then how can you have a ministering relationship? somethimes we minister to others by exscaping the dysfunction and moving on with our lives.
so, 1. your spiritual health is vital to your relationship with Jesus. and 2. being an example has many forms. (like putting distance between you and your abusers)... but the Holy Spirit would be feeding you the tools to face these trials.

we are the seeds, Christ is the Savior.
this means you live as an example of Christ's Holiness and love; He will be the one who talks to hearts and purseudes lives.

even those who are called to minister until their death, enduring many hardships; they are strong in spirit and provided the tools by the Holy Spirit to do these things.
if you are stumbling about; then you are not called to minister, that's why you are not equipted spiritually.

i have some advice for you. putting the abusers behind you and moving on is very difficult. continue to seek support from your spiritual family; to build you up. then do what it takes to break free. even if you need to be away from family for a while. ignore their anger and guilt games: focus on getting yourself in a place of spiritual security. think of it as going away to school.

let the Lord have the rest. - love dee

 

[UnitynLove]

bless your heart hun. do you know about the scriptures telling us not be be unequally yoked with unbelievers?

yes, there is a boundry we need to make. this scripture is trying to convey that we will be full of troubles if we are too close to some people.

how do you tell, who you should be a pacient witness too, and who to put distance between you? judge by your spiritual condition. ask yourself two questions:

1. does this person cause me to stumble about spiritually?
and
2. am i being called to minister here?

if you are stumbling about spiritually (which i can see plainly that you are struggling with many overwelming things ), then how can you have a ministering relationship? somethimes we minister to others by exscaping the dysfunction and moving on with our lives.
so, 1. your spiritual health is vital to your relationship with Jesus. and 2. being an example has many forms. (like putting distance between you and your abusers)... but the Holy Spirit would be feeding you the tools to face these trials.

we are the seeds, Christ is the Savior.
this means you live as an example of Christ's Holiness and love; He will be the one who talks to hearts and purseudes lives.

even those who are called to minister until their death, enduring many hardships; they are strong in spirit and provided the tools by the Holy Spirit to do these things.
if you are stumbling about; then you are not called to minister, that's why you are not equipted spiritually.

i have some advice for you. putting the abusers behind you and moving on is very difficult. continue to seek support from your spiritual family; to build you up. then do what it takes to break free. even if you need to be away from family for a while. ignore their anger and guilt games: focus on getting yourself in a place of spiritual security. think of it as going away to school.

let the Lord have the rest. - love dee

Agree totally

 

[kuyura]

Thankyou for your reply.
I have let it be known that I will no longer tolerate the abuse and will keep my distance from that part of their lives. Logically I know what needs to be done, but sometimes putting it into practise is hard. But I won't sit back anymore and just let them be the way they are towards me.

 

[lavenderskies]

Draw your strength from God. I know its hard, as I have been there, but God will give you the strength you need to escape this abuse.

 

[Lehr]

Kuyura, First i want to say that you are doing the right thing in forgiving them.. But remember, they are still abusers and probly will not change.. In my opinion i think you should seperate completely from them (even tho it seems impossible) they will bring you nothing but suffering.. I will pray for you tonight that you will have strength and guidance, god bless you!!!

 

[pennsyginny]

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
!!!!!!!!!!
I don't even know what to say.
I am 54. I stayed in my abuser's home until I was 27. Then I got brave, took a job 100 miles away and moved. Best thing I ever did.
Did it make the pain of the past go away? Nope. But it sure helped.
Unfortunately I went into asn abusive marriage and then a controlling one. For the last four years, i have been on my own with my son who is going on 17.
You are not bad! You do not need to be forgiven. They are the ones who need forgiveness.

If I can leave you with one thought, it's this: You can get away. You have the strength. What you do not have, God will provide if you ask Him. Please think hard about getting away from that abusive situation. You can have a tranquil home. Your own. God bless you.
Love to you.

 

[kuyura]

Thankyou for the replies.
I have gone away from them and have told them that I will no longer sit back and take their abuse. I have not lived with them for many many years, but they continued to manipulate me other ways, or at least have tried to.
I can see why they are the way they are and I can see the anger and fear in their eyes and in a way I feel sorry for them and continue to pray for them to change their ways, to stop and think and to heal from their pasts, which has caused so much stress in everyones lives.
I don't think it is ever too late and I really hope one day they find the Lord and ask for forgiveness, because I do not want them to suffer.
Whilst it is true some abusers will never change, there are also times when some do as I have witnessed a very close relative change from an abuser into a beautiful caring woman who has completely changed. I think there is still hope for them. However I will no longer be anyones victim and put up with anyones crap behaviour. I am a pretty strong person, but when things pile up I just feel like being held for a while and told it is ok. After that I can dust myself off and keep going.
Thanks for all your replies.

 

[aspirine]

[FONT=&quot]I keep my abusers at least 1000 miles away from me and I do not have contact with them unless it is absolutely necessary. Then the contact is short and polite. I still get tense when I think about them, so I generally just don’t do that.
I forgive them because they were and are foolish. [/FONT]
.

 

[If Not For Grace]

Do I forgive them and continue to allow them to abuse me?

No. Forgiving has to do w/letting go of resentment and hate but in no way does it require you to be a doormat.

"Cast not your pearls before swine" Much of the OT has to do with leaving crazy kinfolk.

Forget the money they "owe" you, it is not worth collecting. In fact that would be a reason for not throwing good $$ after bad.

You must change your thinking. Compassion has it's place and I'm glad you can see them as poor misguided souls, but this does not mean you must be weak. Teach a man to fish and you will feed him for life.

Learn to say what you mean an mean what you say. Learn to say no (and mean it). It requires no more explanation than if you had said yes.

Make a list of the most common phrases that they throw at you and learn some patten responses...

Example:

Can I borrow $___ till Friday? "I no longer loan money, too many bad experiences"

But there going to shut my power, etc. off if I don't give em ___ by Friday.

Maybe you could get a loan from one of those payday places, or (if u are willing) Reiterate I don't loan money, but I do have a job (cut grass, wash car) I would be willing to pay you to do....etc.

I have several just what I call say nothing
responses:

One is "I'll have to think about that"
Two is "You may be right".
Three is "Im sorry you feel that way"


Another example is when someone says
"do me a favor" my immediate response is
"do I owe you a favor?" (jokingly of course) and when they say "no" I say "Well I'm sure glad we resolved that w/o a lot of drama".

It takes practice, but realize that just because someone is blood related to you does not entitle them to treat you any less than any other human being should be treated.

I call such people emotional vampires, and while I say we should pray for them all--I do not have to be within arms reach of them until I am "equipped" to deal with them.

God will equip you-if you let Him.

Start Slowly and with small boundaries--pick one, just one and make it stick. Plan--and succeed.

Love--D--(It only hurts for a bit, you'll be doing them and yourself a favor) PRAYERS Girl, been there, done that, bought the T-shirt and the Hat and ain't going back.