I had 2 years relationship with a bpd. He was a devout Christian (we used to go to church, pray, fast and exchange bible verses all the time). He was aloof, emotionally unavailable, detached, cold and sometimes could be cruel and rude. Still, I loved him to bits. We broke up 3 months ago because I couldn't stand his pulling/pushing behavior anymore. I am a total wreck now but he seems to be doing so well. All his depression and dark moods have miraculously disappeared after we broke up (we work together, so we see each other everyday). He takes the break up in a stride, meanwhile, I feel like I've been hit by a train. I am so confuse and in so much pain. I miss him so bad and can't stop thinking about him. And it hurt so much to see him laughing and joking with other people with no respect for my feeling. It's hard to belief that a devout Christian like him can be so callous and heartless like that. To me, his behavior is completely against everything my faith has taught me. I mean, there is nothing kind and gentle in his behavior towards me. Where is the Godly love, peace and forgiveness that any Christian should posses? Please, can anyone give me any insight about this.
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Break up aftermath...
- Thread starter doveofpeace
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Kristen.NewCreation
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One of the thoughts that crossed my mind is that the issue wasn't with his bipolar disorder, but with his thoughts and interests in the relationship. Maybe he wasn't as invested as you were, but didn't have the ability or tact to share that he wasn't interested. I don't know.
The other thought that crosses my mind, is some people are great at putting on a mask in public. Is it possible that outside of work he is still the same person, but at work he pretends everything is just fine?
I do know that what you are going through is grief and loss. It's normal when you love and care for another human and then the relationship is severed, to be sad and grieving. Three months isn't very long, and it's got to be much more difficult to see him everyday at work to be reminded of the loss, than it is to not have contact ever again. At least that's my opinion based on my losses in the past.
I'd encourage you to nurture yourself right now. Be gentle. Try not to make assumptions about who he is, but focus on what you need to do for you to get through this and heal.
The other thought that crosses my mind, is some people are great at putting on a mask in public. Is it possible that outside of work he is still the same person, but at work he pretends everything is just fine?
I do know that what you are going through is grief and loss. It's normal when you love and care for another human and then the relationship is severed, to be sad and grieving. Three months isn't very long, and it's got to be much more difficult to see him everyday at work to be reminded of the loss, than it is to not have contact ever again. At least that's my opinion based on my losses in the past.
I'd encourage you to nurture yourself right now. Be gentle. Try not to make assumptions about who he is, but focus on what you need to do for you to get through this and heal.
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Right at this very moment I wish if I am a bipolar or bpd or narcissist jus,t so I can get over this grieve of losing my ex. I mean, those people have many defense mechanism to help him get through painful moments. Call it disconnection, disengagement, detachment, object inconstancy, false self, whatever. Bottom line is, they have the tools to escape the reality and immerse themselves in their on fantasy land. They are coping much better in painful situation hence they are able to move on pretty fast. Am I right?? Non bipolar/bpd like me are totally vulnerable to this kind of misery. We have no defense mechanisms and have no choice but to ride the tide and hope that time will heal us soon. My bpd ex has moved on merrily and totally forget all about me while I am here still hang up on him and cry myself to sleep every night. I wish if there is a way I could escape this pain if only for a brief moment.
Oh, I don't know. I am so in despair, I am not even sure what I am talking about.
Oh, I don't know. I am so in despair, I am not even sure what I am talking about.
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Kristen.NewCreation
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Those traits you describe aren't limited to those with bipolar, or BPD, or such. Anyone can have those traits.
Going through a breakup is quite painful. Even if you had one of these, doesn't mean you would have traits that were callous to others. Seems like you have a gentle spirit - so even with one of these disorders, you would probably hurt.
Try not to be so hard on you. Comfort yourself with kind words, rather than wishes to be different. Sounds to me like you are a kind, caring person who wouldn't want to harm anyone, and it's hard to understand how someone could be so hurtful especially coming out of a relationship that appeared to be serious. Spend time with friends or people who are supportive. Try not to spend a lot of time alone right now, as that's likely to increase the feelings of loneliness if you can avoid it. Let others help to comfort you. You deserve the TLC.
Going through a breakup is quite painful. Even if you had one of these, doesn't mean you would have traits that were callous to others. Seems like you have a gentle spirit - so even with one of these disorders, you would probably hurt.
Try not to be so hard on you. Comfort yourself with kind words, rather than wishes to be different. Sounds to me like you are a kind, caring person who wouldn't want to harm anyone, and it's hard to understand how someone could be so hurtful especially coming out of a relationship that appeared to be serious. Spend time with friends or people who are supportive. Try not to spend a lot of time alone right now, as that's likely to increase the feelings of loneliness if you can avoid it. Let others help to comfort you. You deserve the TLC.
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I am sorry your going through so much. I know it hurts now but look at the bright side. If this is how he acts now, then be glad that this happened now so you can get out of the relationship early on and find someone else who would behave in a more caring way.
I know that is small comfort but if he is acting this way now, imagine being married for years and years and having several kids and having him at this way. Look at it this way. Maybe God is showing you this behavior for a reason, maybe this relationship isn't all its cracked up to be and maybe its a blessing that it ended.
I know in my situation, I wish I had seen some of the things I have been through and made changes early on. Had I known what I know now I would have ran at the sight of my ex husband. I am talking all out sprint in the opposite direction.
I know that is small comfort but if he is acting this way now, imagine being married for years and years and having several kids and having him at this way. Look at it this way. Maybe God is showing you this behavior for a reason, maybe this relationship isn't all its cracked up to be and maybe its a blessing that it ended.
I know in my situation, I wish I had seen some of the things I have been through and made changes early on. Had I known what I know now I would have ran at the sight of my ex husband. I am talking all out sprint in the opposite direction.
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That's strange, I know having bipolar doesn't make you immune to grieving or feelings, and it's wrong to think that way and say that bipolar people are narcissists or have this extra protection?! I know myself and others with bipolar hurt just as much if not more than non bipolar people. Please don't wish on yourself bipolar.
I think it would be a combination of being a guy - men seem to get over breakups quicker and also perhaps he just wasn't ready or as deeply into the relationship as you were.
If I can offer any insight it's that it might be that bipolar can make people aloof about relationships but thats simply self-protection on our part that often we want to be friends with someone first but when someone comes on strong it is hard to say no. Its not that we would deliberately lead someone on, its just often we might want to please someone but the other person thinks there is more to it. And of course anyone in a relationship wants it to work, but often will end up being more about the fact of being IN a relationship than about the other person. Sometimes it can be because of bipolar that we're amazed anyone would put up with us. That may explain the push-pull behaviour.
How many people I know, and this is not just bipolar people, went into relationship disasters simply because they needed someone (anyone) rather than because they genuinely were in love. How many of us want to be Christians but ignore Jesus. We want the label (Christian) and get the church membership and go through the religious rituals but we don't care to meet with Jesus.
As women, I often find that many would rather have choose to stick with a terrible husband boyfriend than be alone. Men can handle bachelorhood a lot better than women the prospect of spinsterhood. Whether this is just due to biological differences I don't really know, but it just seems that way. Women take it much harder, cry, whereas men distract themselves in other ways.
I don't quite understand how you can miss him if you see him at work everyday, but it could be your love was more of an obsession than a love that would just release him to be happy, whether it was with you or not. The thing is YOU broke up with him, and it seems you had good reasons, so he's not obligated to then go back to you and comfort you and check to see if you are ok.
As for devout Christian..I'm wary of the word 'devout' and often we don't know how the Lord is dealing with someone on the inside. I believe the Lord knows who are His and He may be just giving you some discernment in this area. Whatever the case, deal with your hurt by praying for your ex, release him and be thankful that God loves you and has better plans for you. Jesus heals the broken hearted, so you most go to him rather than wishing for yourself a disorder! Do you know how much it blinds you to reality when you start labeling eg the 'bpd ex'. You've got to look past the diagnosis. Ask yourself if you would be comforted if he was just as miserable?
I think it would be a combination of being a guy - men seem to get over breakups quicker and also perhaps he just wasn't ready or as deeply into the relationship as you were.
If I can offer any insight it's that it might be that bipolar can make people aloof about relationships but thats simply self-protection on our part that often we want to be friends with someone first but when someone comes on strong it is hard to say no. Its not that we would deliberately lead someone on, its just often we might want to please someone but the other person thinks there is more to it. And of course anyone in a relationship wants it to work, but often will end up being more about the fact of being IN a relationship than about the other person. Sometimes it can be because of bipolar that we're amazed anyone would put up with us. That may explain the push-pull behaviour.
How many people I know, and this is not just bipolar people, went into relationship disasters simply because they needed someone (anyone) rather than because they genuinely were in love. How many of us want to be Christians but ignore Jesus. We want the label (Christian) and get the church membership and go through the religious rituals but we don't care to meet with Jesus.
As women, I often find that many would rather have choose to stick with a terrible husband boyfriend than be alone. Men can handle bachelorhood a lot better than women the prospect of spinsterhood. Whether this is just due to biological differences I don't really know, but it just seems that way. Women take it much harder, cry, whereas men distract themselves in other ways.
I don't quite understand how you can miss him if you see him at work everyday, but it could be your love was more of an obsession than a love that would just release him to be happy, whether it was with you or not. The thing is YOU broke up with him, and it seems you had good reasons, so he's not obligated to then go back to you and comfort you and check to see if you are ok.
As for devout Christian..I'm wary of the word 'devout' and often we don't know how the Lord is dealing with someone on the inside. I believe the Lord knows who are His and He may be just giving you some discernment in this area. Whatever the case, deal with your hurt by praying for your ex, release him and be thankful that God loves you and has better plans for you. Jesus heals the broken hearted, so you most go to him rather than wishing for yourself a disorder! Do you know how much it blinds you to reality when you start labeling eg the 'bpd ex'. You've got to look past the diagnosis. Ask yourself if you would be comforted if he was just as miserable?
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