Boys,Girls,Friends,Dating,and more lifes questions

[wrench_twister]

I have 5, yes 5 youngin's at home. Ages 13,12,11,10,9.The 4 oldest are girls.So at what age do you think going steady (new term??) is allowable? Am I old fashioned to say 13? And no like going skating together till 14.I think a year makes a lot of difference in maturity levels.Am I way off course here.

Also them being so close together in age,they go to the same school, have the same friends,hang out the same places,ect. Which is kind of nice,I only have to remember 1 set of names

Anyway, If one gets to do something, they all think they should. I can't seem to get it through to them they are all different ages.

Plus when one gets mad at a friend and the other isn't it's world war, let me tell you

I said she couild come over, well I don't wanna see her, type thing.

 

[kimmee]

I have to say dont let any of them date untill high school and even then 2 year. I look back on dating at a young age and it was a mistake.

 

[Dewjunkie]

46. That's the age my daughter will be allowed to date.

 

[DeputyDan]

I have 2 daughters.

They can go out on group activities at age 16. No way - no chance - no how - before then.

The can single date once they are 18.

They have known this since they were 2 years old or earlier. Its one of many things I have told them even though they are much too young to understand. The point is that they won't be susprised when the time comes.

 

[wrench_twister]

Well I'm glad to know I'm not that far off track.

Thanx Friends

 

[Athlon4all]

I'm not a parent, but here's what I think, with Biblical foundation.

In I Cor. 7:25-40, God tells those that are single not to desire marriage, and those who are married not to desire to be divorced. The LORD isn't telling those who are single to never marry, what its says is that while one is single, they can focus more on serving the LORD first rather than serving the LORD by seeking your spouse's desires first. I think that this passage essentially condemns dating except for the LORD's timing, and unless your kids are ready to be married. This may seem strict, but I really think that Teens need to focus on serving and growing in their walk with the LORD first, and wait for the LORD to tell them that its time to marry.

 

[sklippstein]

ha, i've decided my daughter won't date until she's 30, and of course only if i like the guy!

 

[sklippstein]

did i forget to mention that he will need to sign a pre dating agreement?

 

[Dewjunkie]

Originally posted by sklippstein
did i forget to mention that he will need to sign a pre dating agreement?

Ha ha, any of my daughter's potential suitors will have to first accompany me to the shooting range.  I want him to witness first hand how accurate I am with both handgun and rifle.   

 

[wrench_twister]

dewjunkie,lol. That'll warn him

The 4 girls are my stepdaughters, and have only been in my home for 5 years.( long story) SO I don't have the absolute say, even though I feel we should say no for a couple more years at least.
We're talking 12 and 11 and holding hands,and talking about kissing)prolly more), and I'm afraid of where this will end up,and it won't be good

SO how do I approach this problem without sounding like I'm trying to be overbearing?I feel they know too much at thier age,and thier friends aren't the greatest rolemodels either, plus one of them has completely quit going to church

This situation really scares me. I don't want them to have a baby at 14 or 15,and I'm afraid that is where it's going

 

[Dewjunkie]

I think you need to discuss it with your wife, and then have the proverbial "talk". But be honest, be blunt, be gross, and have your wife explain pregnancy and all of it's many joys (morning sickness, sleepless nights, back pain, bloating, etc.). Many times parents mistakenly think they can ignore it or just brush over it and that's all. I think that if you de-sensationalize sex, make it less taboo, then they may be a little less curious about it in the long run. Also, if they know they can talk to you about things like this, they may be more comfortable asking for your advice or help in the future if a situation arises. But I truly believe that the worst thing a parent can do is ignore the issue.  If they don't get their views on sex from you and your wife from a Christian POV, they'll get them from their non-Christian friends.

Just my opinions, but remember my daughter is only 2, so I am a few years away from the misery of adolescent girlhood.

 

[paulewog]

my Bible teacher once said, in a story about what would happen if a guy came over to date his daughter... he'd tell him, "And remember, life's not important.... *big grin* ... but my daughter's safety is....." hehe

Anyway, my parents let me (and have) go to group events with friends and stuff... but a single date type thing? Nope. And 'going steady' - er, nobody knows their own hearts at young teen years. I still don't know mine One of the elders in my church put it as like having "a lot of little divorces going around" (the elementary school thing of who-likes-who, etc).

But yeah. My parents basically would say no dating to me, if I asked, which I'm not

 

[brother friar]

I have a daughter who is almost fifteen. I told her she couldn't date until she was 16 years old, but a couple years ago I told her I am more interested in her being ready for the responsibility then being a certain age. She keeps asking what she needs to be able to do to be responsible and I tell her, have a license, black belt and the gift of discernment so she will know what is on the guys mind and be able to kick him out of the car and drive home. Seriously, I told her that dating is a big responsibility and she needs to become responsible with school, tasks at home, keeping track of a schedule, being able to problem solve and learning to not be pressured by friends into things. She also has to keep the communication wide open between her and her mom and I. We discuss relationships a lot and keep talking. She has a guy who is committed to getting to know her better, but there is no dating, only group get togethers and those are through church mostly.

As a step-parent, you have only the influence you are given as you well know. So you might get their parent talking about expectations, and boundaries. Hard with the first girl no matter what, but it does set a pattern for the others.

May God grant you wisdom, knowledge and lots of patience.

 

[Malachi383]

Not a parent, but I thought I would chime in as seeing that this topic in general (dating, love, marriage, etc) is something that it very important to me in terms of dignity and respect.

First of all - there is a speaker who speaks on love, marriage, sex, meaning of masculinity, meaning of feminity, etc.  He has 3 kids, one 3, one 5 (and one on the way) .  They both know basically about how a baby is created and generally what sex is - daddy has the fertilizer, mommy has the seed, etc etc

While this may seem really weird, I think it is absolutly necessary!  The sex talk may seem a little awkward, but if you start early, it wont be as bad.  Sex and marriage are not something parents should shy away from.  Also, dont be afraid to let your kids see you expressing your love for one another.  In fact, make sure they do.

If children grow up with a healthy view of what sex really is, it will help them to better understand chastity.  It will also help them to better understand purity, and the dignity that they have as human beings.

Chastity shouldnt be thought of as a list of do's and dont's.  And I think this is something that is too often overlooked.  You are trying to set out a list, what is acceptable when, holding hands, kissing, etc.  By doing this, you are promoting an escalation with age.  You are also promoting the very fact of doing it.  This is contrary to the goal of chastity and purity.

Chastity and purity should have the aim of guarding the heart, soul, and dignity of not only yourself but others.  We should not ask ourselves what we can and can't do, or should and shouldn't, but rather should seek a purity of mind and heart and ask what can I do to do that.

Honestly, realistically, and truthfully, dating pre-highschool, and even in most of high school, is superficial and "recreational."  It often promotes rebellion against the rules, it promotes promiscuity (the recreation part) in many forms, it promotes objectification, and it promotes a twisted view of dating (in that it is a twisted form of the Truth).

Dating is supposed to be about pursuing a relationship that could lead to marriage.  That is the purpose of what dating is.  In fact, dating as it is defined today doesnt appeal to me that much.  Courting is almost, in my view, much better, much more wholistic, much purer, and much more respectful.  In high school, do people date because they can possibly see themselves getting married to this person?

It isnt about age.  It is about maturity and faith.  I am 19 and a college sophomore, and I have have been in one relationship.  That was more than 2 years ago.  And I have been so blessed during this time.  It is a chance for me to grow in my faith.  It is a chance for me to develop and grow, so that if that day does come, I can give myself totally and faithfully and truly to my bride.  And I want to know who I am when I am on the altar.  I am sorry, but most middle school and high school are huge in the formation of the identity, as well as the person.  They shouldnt be focusing on others but on themselves.  Also, when entering a relationship, they should not ask "What can I get out of this?" but "What can I give?"  It should not be about the self, which too often high school dating is.

IF I get married and have kids, then my kids will know early on about sex and marriage.  They will learn as they grow up about dignity and value, and about love.  And God willing, from these and other things, they will learn the truth about chastity.  And God willing, they will be able to make good educated decisions (should the case arrise that they dont, ....well then good ole dad will help them    ).  Also, they will be well read on the topic by then.  One of the books I have found to be very helpful was "Good News About Sex and Marriage."  It is by that speaker I was referring to earlier.

I dont claim to know it all.  But what I have said doesnt seem to illogical.  And much of it has come from my experiences, and from those around me.

 

[duncanzits]

Originally posted by Dewjunkie
Ha ha, any of my daughter's potential suitors will have to first accompany me to the shooting range.  I want him to witness first hand how accurate I am with both handgun and rifle.   

Yep, that's what Jesus would do.

No offense, but you need to rethink your stragity (as Popeye would say). The number one influence in a child's life is their parents. That's why pre-marital sex and underage drinking is more common among children, than say spray-painting graffiti, because adults have sex and drink alcohol and children want to do the same thing. If you teach your child the right thing and set an example (instead of being so violent) your child will be a peace-loving, Christian person who will want to marry another Christian.

 

[JillLars]

I was allowed to go to movies and parties with groups of friends when I was in middle school, but I don't think any of these would be considered "dates" and there was always a parent there. I only had a couple boyfriends in highschool, and my parents didn't like me to be alone with them, understandable. My brother is dating now, he's 15, and my parents have his girlfriend over a lot, she's just like family, but my mom has a rule that if they are going to be in his room the door has to be open and both feet have to be on the floor. I think as long as there is proper supervision its alright to let your daughter "go steady" (although I doubt it will last long at that age) chances are if they want to "go steady" then they may already consider themselves dating or seeing each other, or going out, or some crazy term...the terms get more complicated as they get older, just so you know!

 

[Beckijhn]

Hmmm.. Well, my oldest is 14 (sophmore) and has been out with the youth group pretty often. It's a group thing, not a girl/boy thing. there are a few guys interested in her but I've not allowed actual dates yet. She's pretty discerning about the character of her friends. She went to homecoming with my friends son, just to see what it was like - she's homeschooled, but spent most of the time with her friends.

I've maintained that they can go out chaperoned at 16. We'll see how that goes! It's all by ear and the hard part is that I have to remember my younger daughter when deciding what my older one can do.

My younger one is more passionate and tempermental (she'll jump in with both feet before checking the depth).

My son, on the other hand, has been dedicated to the same girl for 5 years - long distance and everything - he's 10. (But no dating till 16!!)

 

[Dewjunkie]

Originally posted by duncanzits
Yep, that's what Jesus would do.

No offense, but you need to rethink your stragity (as Popeye would say). The number one influence in a child's life is their parents. That's why pre-marital sex and underage drinking is more common among children, than say spray-painting graffiti, because adults have sex and drink alcohol and children want to do the same thing. If you teach your child the right thing and set an example (instead of being so violent) your child will be a peace-loving, Christian person who will want to marry another Christian.

My post was sarcasm.  Just like the part where I said she couldn't date until she's 46. 

 

[slightlypuzzled]

Dewjunkie is right, 30 sounds like a good time to date. However, I do plan on taking her out on a few dates with me so that she will know what to expect and how a boy should treat her. I want her to have an idea of what a good christian date should and should not be. Her mother and I have already started laying the ground rules so that, when she is older, she will know what to expect.