Boyfriend's Busy

[Living4Him03]

I need some advice regarding my b/f, but please don't go judging him as a bad person when you read this. I just need advice on this situation so please don't ignore my request and say "sounds like he is a bad guy" because you do not know that.

Anyway, for those of you who give some good advice...My b/f has moved to my area, but he's been really,really busy. He's starting a new job, getting moved, etc. So, he has only been able to call me a few times and we have not gotten to spend any time together yet. I totally understand and I think that's fine.
However, before he decided to move, he took awhile to tell me he was moving because he was afraid I would start bugging him about hanging out more. He also said that he thinks being able to see him more won't be good enough...that I will also want him to call more and I'll bug him about that too. My question, though, is how often do you think a boyfriend should call his girlfriend?

I know he's busy, but it's hard because I don't want him to become interested in another girl and then decide not to date me, yet not tell me he's found someone (I've had that happen twice in the past). Should I expect him to call often? Is it wrong to want to talk to him at least once a week? Men, when you aren't as interested in a girl as she is in you, but still want to date her, how often do you call?

Also, I know this is long, but how often would you wait to give your girlfriend your new phone number when it changes? I tried to call my b/f today, but his number was not working, which I knew might happen because he told me that it would change beforehand and said he'd call with the new number as soon as he could.

Ugh...it's so hard to not really have a way to contact him! His internet is not up and I don't have the new number, so it makes me kind of have to just wait for him to contact me. Which is just kind of frustrating. I am not sure what advice I want, so anything you think I should know please share it! As long as it's not "he's a jerk" because he is not, so please don't begin by judging my boyfriend's character.

 

[LadyBird]

No judgement. He sounds like a wonderful guy with a good head on his shoulders. Some people spend FAR too much time together and become too dependant on one another and that's probably what he is afraid may happen.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 1/2 years...so we talk on the phone 2 times a day when we don't see each other. Once in the morning and once at night...we usually don't talk for more than 15 minutes all together. It's just nice to know what is going on with each other, and what we have planned for the day. When we see each other...we only call to make plans. That's all. My boyfriend is not a phone person so we try and keep our time on the phone to a minimum or he gets grumpy.

Hope that helped a little bit.

 

[Living4Him03]

That does help! Thanks so much Belle! My b/f is not a phone person either, unless it's a night or weekend. He is really productive during the day and is very driven. I guess you are right, he might feel that if we talked more we'd eventually become dependent on one another, and he is a very independent person. I am just going to talk to God about my concerns and hope he will call with his new number soon so we can talk. I'm used to talking to him more, so I'm really missing him today. Also, I saw a truck that looked a lot like his today and it just made me miss him more! Thanks!

 

[LadyBird]

You're welcome! Maybe just talk to you boyfriend too. Just say that you will talk once a day on the phone when you don't see each other for 15 minutes. Give yourselves limits so that he will not feel threatened. That's how my boyfriend likes it. Chances are your boyfriend just isn't a phone person. It was hard for me to understand where my boyfriend was coming from on that one.

 

[netal]

I don't really know what is 'normal' phone behavior between a couple. But, it seems very likely he just isn't a phone person, and doesn't need a lot of interaction. He just moved, maybe he is trying to get things in order? It sounds like he isn't ready for anything serious- but that's ok!! I would just give him space (which can be difficult)...I don't think he sounds like a jerk at all! Just be careful- it's not fun to be in a situation where you like someone tons, and they don't like you. I'm not saying I think that's what is going on- just don't want you to get hurt!!

 

[LifeInYou]

The whole 'you might bug him more' part is bothering me. It sounds like if he still does have feelings for you, they are not quite as strong as yours are for him. As far as the frequency of calling one another, once a week is not too much to expect at all, especially for a committed couple. And, you shouldn't have to prompt him to call you (if you are) he should want to do that on his own, if he isn't motivated, then there's an underlying problem. I commend you for your amazing/optimistic attitude about this situation. (Never jumping to conclusions) You sound like a good woman. If I were in this situation I'd be like 'yo, are you *here* or not?' I hope you get some answers soon though.

 

[John the Engineer]

Personally, it's been a real struggle for me cause my girlfriend will go days without contacting me (and I can't just contact her out of the blue for certain reasons) and it just really bothers me. However I think I'm the type that will spend days with her and as soon as we separate I start to want to hear from her almost instantly. I don't demand anything, but it just is there. Some people are built in with a need to talk and contact, typically women more than men, but not always.

Let me make this clear, YOU NEED TO LET HIM KNOW WHAT YOUR NEEDS ARE. You can't go on feeling bummed about this and not telling him. You also have to be reasonable and allow him to work with you. You can tell him how you're feeling without demanding that he has to satiate every bit of it. You might want to try that.

If you just act depressed and don't tell him, you're not being fair to him. Especially if he is as good a boyfriend as you say he is.

Just my .02 I told my girlfriend how I felt, and she was upset because she felt like I was demanding too much that she couldn't come up with, but she needed to know because it is part of who I am.

 

[KristiXP]

No judgement. He sounds like a wonderful guy with a good head on his shoulders. Some people spend FAR too much time together and become too dependant on one another and that's probably what he is afraid may happen.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 1/2 years...so we talk on the phone 2 times a day when we don't see each other. Once in the morning and once at night...we usually don't talk for more than 15 minutes all together. It's just nice to know what is going on with each other, and what we have planned for the day. When we see each other...we only call to make plans. That's all. My boyfriend is not a phone person so we try and keep our time on the phone to a minimum or he gets grumpy.

Hope that helped a little bit.

Sorry, just had to quote some good advice

 

[katelyn]

What you described about your boyfriend reminds me of what my husband was like when we first started dating. He enjoyed spending time with me and everything, but is very driven and goal-oriented when it comes to his career, and he was a little worried about a serious relationship interfering with that. Obviously, somewhere along the line he realized he could have both me and the career... He just needed some time to try some different things (like internships and stuff) without having a serious relationship make him unable to do those things. Once he started figuring out more of a focus for his career and also started realizing that he missed me when he was away on those internships, he was more willing to commit.

The only thing that would bother me is that he specifically said that it would bug him if you called him more or wanted to spend more time with him. A boyfriend shouldn't feel that his girlfriend is "bugging" him just because she cares for him and wants to spend time with him. But maybe he didn't specifically say it like that, maybe it was just more an insinuation or he put it in a kinder way...

Oh, and I would be sure to communicate to him about how your past experiences of boyfriends finding someone else makes you worried when it comes to this issue. If he knows that it's important to you to know the difference between just him needing his own space and time and him losing interest in you, then he will hopefully try to be more considerate in how he addresses the issue, and will be honest about his reasons for limiting your time together.

 

[Katty]

Guys are so much better about these things ya know? Us girls read into things and freak out about it. Hehe, I know. I def agree with katelyn about the whole communication with your bf. We sometimes expect guys to read our minds without knowing and the sooner we figure out that they can't, the better off we are. Your guy isn't a "jerk", he's just... well... a guy Just don't let him start to treat your "couple time" as an "obligation." Once again, my MHO.

~Katty~

 

[Living4Him03]

Thanks for the support everyone! Katty, I definitely don't expect him to read my mind. It's more that we need to compromise on what our standards are for having a relationship...I've told him I expect to be called at least once a week, if not more, and preferably to spend time together on free weekends. I guess I just feel like that's all I'm asking, but maybe he sees it as asking too much! Something we definitely have to discuss soon. I think he was just stressed out and didn't want any pressure from me to get together when he's just getting settled, which I felt was unfair. I felt like he jumped to a conclusion about how I would react before he even told me the news or gave me a chance! Anyway, we are doing pretty good right now and he has been really good with contacting me this week to see how I've been doing and letting me know what he's been up to, so I can't complain! God bless you all!