Boyfriend is MIA

[quitespirit]

Hi all. I originially posted this in courting couples, but that's a quiet forum. I'd love some perspective if anyone has thoughts on this.

I'm up early this morning, too concerned to sleep. My BF of about 6 months lives a few hours away. After a brief conversation at noon yesterday he said he'd call me back, I think he had an incoming call. I knew he had a lot to do while off of work yesterday so I waited on his call, though we had agreed to fit in some quality talk time yesterday after weeks of business and rushed calls. Though it bothered me that he did not call me back as he said he would, I thought perhaps he decided to concentrate on what he had going on.

I took this as an opportunity for God to grow me in patience, extending grace, not rushing to judgment and things like this- that I feel he is wanting to grow me in. But by 10pm when I still didn't hear from him I tried to reach him. His phone is off.
His phone is never off. This is not like him to not call. We talk all day. We say good night.

I have no idea what is going on. Even if his phone broke, he's not reached out by any other means either (email, facebook, friends phone). I just tried calling. This time the phone rang and went to VM. I left a text last night asking if everything was ok. Just now I asked him to call.

I hope everything is ok. But if he just wanted some space I am not sure how to react. I told him recently, when he decided he wanted a quiet night (when I anticipating us talking) that it's cool but please tell me so I am not expecting him. I told him that I thought it was important in a LDR to communicate. Right or wrong (and with plenty of prayer and turning to the Word) I am not sure if there is an explanation that I won't find a little troubling: either something is wrong or he went MIA.

Also, I know I am worrying here but I am not sure how long to wait before trying to make sure he is ok. I have his mom's number (whom he should be seeing tonight) and his sisters. I'm friends on facebook with his landlord/friend (who lives upstairs from him as well).

Any thought on this? Advice? Pearls of wisdom? Prayers appreciated too. In the meantime I am trying to find things to be busy: Praying, reading the Word, listening to worship music, the gym, tv, talking with friends, etc.

 

[Catherineanne]

I would leave it a while. Men don't always act with the consideration we might like.

If he has not contacted you by the end of the day, contact his mum.

Meanwhile, keep busy and try not to worry about it.

 

[quitespirit]

I would leave it a while. Men don't always act with the consideration we might like.

If he has not contacted you by the end of the day, contact his mum.

Meanwhile, keep busy and try not to worry about it.

Thank you.

 

[LilLamb219]

Catherineanne is right...men don't act with consideration like women would want.

There are so many "what ifs" that I could state now, but that would make you feel more nervous (I have a huge imagination). I hope it's just that he needed quiet time like he said and it's nothing more.

 

[quitespirit]

Catherineanne is right...men don't act with consideration like women would want.

There are so many "what ifs" that I could state now, but that would make you feel more nervous (I have a huge imagination). I hope it's just that he needed quiet time like he said and it's nothing more.

Thanks My imagination is going wild too. I have a hard time thinking I will be pleased with any reason I am giving on why he is MIA. Could he be getting cold feet? Lord willing, everyone is alive and healthy. Is he just being super duper inconsiderate? Even if his phone broke or was cut off he has ways to contact me.

It's been a strained time in our relationship. We are facing big areas that we need to work on individually and together, though it's all honoring to God and we have personally been getting along great. I hate having any doubts that his MIA could mean trouble for us.

 

[LilLamb219]

Thanks My imagination is going wild too. I have a hard time thinking I will be pleased with any reason I am giving on why he is MIA. Could he be getting cold feet? Lord willing, everyone is alive and healthy. Is he just being super duper inconsiderate? Even if his phone broke or was cut off he has ways to contact me.

It's been a strained time in our relationship. We are facing big areas that we need to work on individually and together, though it's all honoring to God and we have personally been getting along great. I hate having any doubts that his MIA could mean trouble for us.

Try to get out and keep yourself busy for the next few hours. If you're like me, then it will only make it worse to sit around and stress about it, building up bad emotions. I know I'd be in a panic if I were in your place, but that's just how I am! So don't be like me

 

[quitespirit]

Try to get out and keep yourself busy for the next few hours. If you're like me, then it will only make it worse to sit around and stress about it, building up bad emotions. I know I'd be in a panic if I were in your place, but that's just how I am! So don't be like me

Great advice. I took Benadryle and prayed for sleep last night. I did sleep tila bout 5:30. I went to the gym at 7am (not like me), listened to worship music, showered, am talking on the forums and watching tv. I may get out and take my boy to the rec center. I should call a girlfriend too, just so someone IRL knowns what I'm worrying about.

BF is supposed to take his mom on a long trip this afternoon. At 1pm he may already be unavailable. As of yet, I've not heard from him. If he is ok? He must know I am not pleased. :o

 

[ChrisHolland619]

As a man, your alls advice seems, no offense, really bad. There could be something wrong. A man might not be considerate but to not call like that especially when you said you would? No. Unless he's the biggest jerk alive he wouldn't do that. You need to try and contact him some how.

 

[LilLamb219]

As a man, your alls advice seems, no offense, really bad. There could be something wrong. A man might not be considerate but to not call like that especially when you said you would? No. Unless he's the biggest jerk alive he wouldn't do that. You need to try and contact him some how.

I've known plenty of guys who say they'll call then find an "excuse" as to why they couldn't do so in a timely manner. They think they've done absolutely nothing wrong either and it's my fault as to why I'm so upset.

 

[ChrisHolland619]

I guess that makes me different lol. I would never do that to my fiancé. Inconsiderate.

Unless he has a history of doing that, I would be concerned, and if he DID just "forget", give him heck when he calls. Because I've been in a long distance relationships before. It is not easy, and losing contact is an anxiety filled mess.

 

[quitespirit]

As a man, your alls advice seems, no offense, really bad. There could be something wrong. A man might not be considerate but to not call like that especially when you said you would? No. Unless he's the biggest jerk alive he wouldn't do that. You need to try and contact him some how.

Thanks for your perspective. I tried his cell again. Again, rang til VM kicked in. Didn't leave a message. If he is ok, and is 'going dark' as he says...he is quite aware I am worried. I was thinking to perhaps call someone or FB his landlord at noon (24 hours since we spoke) if he doesn't call. Because if he is ok? This is unprecedented and just incredibly thoughtless.

BTW- The fact that his phone was off last night (either turned off, dead battery, or our of signal range) but on now...don't know what to make of it. Though it's less concerning about his safety.

 

[seashale76]

As a man, your alls advice seems, no offense, really bad. There could be something wrong. A man might not be considerate but to not call like that especially when you said you would? No. Unless he's the biggest jerk alive he wouldn't do that. You need to try and contact him some how.

I agree with you. However, she's already attempted to call him numerous times. The ball is in his court now, as far as I'm concerned. He's going to have to contact her now. If she doesn't hear back from him within 24 hours, then she should try again with a 'Hello? Are you still alive? If so, break up with me in person.' call.

Back before I was married, I only dated one guy who was a real jerk. The rest were fairly considerate regarding when they said they were going to call. My husband certainly wouldn't tell me he was going to call and then be completely unavailable without a good reason. In my experience most men aren't like this.

Maybe his phone died and he couldn't charge it? There could be a valid explanation or something could have happened. However, if it turns out he's just being a jerk and avoiding you- I would think twice before lingering in that relationship.

 

[quitespirit]

I agree with you. However, she's already attempted to call him numerous times. The ball is in his court now, as far as I'm concerned. He's going to have to contact her now. If she doesn't hear back from him within 24 hours, then she should try again with a 'Hello? Are you still alive? If so, break up with me in person.' call.

Back before I was married, I only dated one guy who was a real jerk. The rest were fairly considerate regarding when they said they were going to call. My husband certainly wouldn't tell me he was going to call and then be completely unavailable without a good reason. In my experience most men aren't like this.

Maybe his phone died and he couldn't charge it? There could be a valid explanation or something could have happened. However, if it turns out he's just being a jerk and avoiding you- I would think twice before lingering in that relationship.

I do feel like the ball is in his court if he is just looking for some alone time. I've left a text and a call, both clearly concerned. If he is able to access those messages, than leaving more is pointless.

My concern is because this is so uncharacteristic of him. We communicate multiple times a day for almost 6 months now. Because of that, I feel the dilemma of how long to wait before I take my worry for him more serious and call someone.

If his phone was broke or out of service, he could send me a message on FB or by email. He's not been on FB playing his games or anything. If he just doesn't want to speak for some out of character reason (like he has doubts) that sucks but I am a big girl, I can deal with it when he says it. I do not want a repeat of this, if it's a voluntary lack of communication.

I love talking with him every day. We need some time aside for just friendly exchange after some long and stressful weeks apart. But if he needs space for other things (particularly for God) I can accept that. I just need to know what's happening to wish him well and give him that space.

ETA: I should mention that, though in his very busy schedule he occasionally doesn't call back it's usually like the 6th exchange of the day and just 'what's up' convo. Only a couple times has his not calling back been an issue to me and he understood and apologized. But it was much smaller scale than this.

The issue of being a jerk? He is so sweet. He wants to do the right thing. If he is being a jerk in the end in this situation, it is a new revelation to me. We get along so well.

 

[seashale76]

So being a jerk is out of character for him. Something must be wrong. I'd wait another 24 hours before attempting to contact him again. If you don't hear from him, then I'd call his mom to find out if he is okay and just tell her about the last time he said he was going to contact you and everything that ensued.

 

[quitespirit]

So being a jerk is out of character for him. Something must be wrong. I'd wait another 24 hours before attempting to contact him again. If you don't hear from him, then I'd call his mom to find out if he is okay and just tell her about the last time he said he was going to contact you and everything that ensued.

Thank for the feedback. I can't reach any local friends to make sure I'm not just being overly anxious so I'm glad to have you all here to offer suggestions. I do tend to worry. I have told him before that if I didn't hear from him for a long time I would of course call his mom. I just don't want to be over the top and freak everyone out like some kind of fatal attraction girlfriend.

If he is just avoiding me for some reason I would have a time press in calling his mom unless I waited until tomorrow afternoon. He could be picking her up as early as 1pm for a trip that will get them home very late. But she should, if he is ok, be fully aware of it since they have plans.

 

[ChrisHolland619]

I don't get why you'd wait another entire day before contacting him. If I didn't hear from him by noon I'd be calling anyone I knew. Especially if they are in a committed relationship. I'd be contacting his parents, friends, etc. that's just extremely inconsiderate if he's doing it on purpose and he deserves to be put on the spot for leaving you hanging.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Well being in LDR too (8,000 miles away) when my fiance goes offline I worry after the first day. THen sometimes after a few days I panic and stress myself out. I had to realize part of being in a LDR is sometimes there are times when you will be MIA for a bit. Its why I tell my fiance to please leave me a message on Facebook if she will be offline for a few days.

I guess that makes me different lol. I would never do that to my fiancé. Inconsiderate.

Same here. Some of us men aren't like that. I am more like the woman in this case. I worry if I don't hear from my fiance after a day. I just want to make sure she is alright. I use to panic alot when we first met when she was gone for a day or a few days. Now I give my worries up to the Lord. Of course this doesn't mean I don't care.

If like 2 days go by I contact her friends or family to make sure she is doing ok. Usually she is just doing something for her mom who is a pastor. Or in her case since the technology isn't great there, her connection doesn't always work. While shes gone though I leave messages of love for her privately on Facebook. I let her know whats going on here so shes up to date.

When does get back on shes so happy that I left messages and care so much and that I miss her.

 

[quitespirit]

I sit here thinking about what I told my girlfriend at the gym yesterday: I see things God wants to grow me in, and he is using my relationship with Bf to do it right now. Patience, extending grace, not letting my emotions control me, not rushing to judgment, not putting BF before God, believing the best. I told her that I imagine God will keep allowing such situations to come up that make me have to work on these areas until I grow in them.

I wonder if I should try to wait as long as I can stand to start contacting family. Most likely (but least palatable) is that he is fine. If it was a family member who was not fine? He could have called or texted in the last day to tell me what's up. Would I overlook it if he didn't in such a case? Sure.

But these are less likely reasons I would think than that he (for some reason) chose not to contact me. So now I feel I need to pray for self control in my thoughts. I don't know what's happening but I shouldn't rush to judgment.

The only scenario that doesn't sit well with me, for waiting, is if something happened to him. Beyond that scenario my hands are tied to any action anyway. If I heard he was ill I would likely be in the car on my way there. But I also would expect to have seen some kind of buzz on FB or perhaps even a heads up from his family if he was actually ill. One more reason I doubt it, and think I will have to keep waiting and try to trust God.

 

[quitespirit]

I don't get why you'd wait another entire day before contacting him. If I didn't hear from him by noon I'd be calling anyone I knew. Especially if they are in a committed relationship. I'd be contacting his parents, friends, etc. that's just extremely inconsiderate if he's doing it on purpose and he deserves to be put on the spot for leaving you hanging.

The only reason I would wait is if it is premature. Since I'm so emotionally involved (and tend to be a worrier) I didn't want to be impatient or paranoid. That's why I appreciate your all feedback, especially as I can't reach any friends locally to help me decide. I don't want to run him off if I were to simply not be giving him enough breathing room. If I were being unreasonable. I wanted to check myself first.

I hear what you are saying about deserving to be put on the spot if he is avoiding me. It's been a stressful time for us, as God has been pressing us hard. Though we have not had any personal problems it's been challenging and fatiguing for us, particularly having been apart for three weeks almost. We've never been apart this long. Top it off with a lot on his plate lately. I would hate to be thinking I am doing the right thing and find that I was just being over emotional or demanding.

 

[quitespirit]

Tried him again, ring to VM again. Left a text. "Hi C. I am growing pretty concerned. Are you ok?"

If he doesn't reply soon I think I will text him (just in case he is avoiding me) that I need to contact some people because I am concerned that something may be wrong.