Boyfriend is afraid of commitment?

[Nickieb03]

Hello everyone. My boyfriend and I will be together for 2 years this February and he has brought up a promise ring for me but he never got me it. I asked him why and he said because "its a commitment..." and made a face when he said commitment..like as if it was a bad word or something. He keeps telling me I love you and your the one...but I just don't want a commitment. So I read a cosmopolitan magazine (I know I shouldn't it's all jibberish what they say) and they say men wont give a commitment because either he doesn't love you or he just doesn't want to be tied down. Now you can imagine a person with OCD here reading that. I mean...he loves me right? why wont he just give me a promise ring?! its not like im asking for an engagement ring...just his word. He said He's sure i'm the one...then whats the problem?! and why is commitment such a vial word to him?!

 

[~Lynz~]

being british we dont do promise rings. my impression of them is that its a promise to get engaged but ur a bit to young to get engaged yet...

i wouldnt worry about it. im terrified of commitment. i know i am going to spend the rest of my life with my bf and that i love him with all my heart. but the thought of getting engaged and married scares me more than anything.

to get engaged and married is a big commitment i wouldbe glad that he is taking it so seriously. many people get engaged 3 or 4 times and it means nothing more than they are in a relationship.

 

[Luther073082]

How old are you?

Promise rings are honestly a bit childish and a waste of money.

If he is 23 or over, then he should seriously look at engagement rings.

If he's under 23, you need to ease up on the pressure a bit.

If he's under 20, you need to ease up on the pressure ALOT.

If he's under 18, you don't need to even be pressuring him.

Honestly in my experience people shouldn't face a lot of pressure to marry when they are under the age of 23. And really shouldn't face any pressure at all when they are under 20.

Alot of this is based on how old you are. But I don't suggest promise rings, they are really immature and childish. I've never met an adult who got or wore a promise ring.

I think you also need to seriously start looking at yourself too and figure out if you are honestly really ready to get married. To be honest, I know I'm making a quick judgement with very little information but I honestly don't think you are. Not only are you asking for a promise ring which is not something anyone of any maturity I've ever heard of would ask for. Its really more of a vanity item for teenagers then anything resenbling actual committment. But also to figure out why your boyfriend isn't committing you are reading Cosmo.

The way married people and people ready to get married learn about eachother's motivations is by talking to eachother and discussing things. Not by reading a magazine. Does he have a long term plan with you in it? Is he attending school right now? For how long is he intending on attending school. Does he have a job? How good is that job? These questions are a lot more relavent to the discussion then anything you've read out of a magazine. Have you asked him WHY he's not ready to commit? If he can't give a reason other then "he's just not" then he's likely not feeling ready for marriage. Now that is perfectly legitimate, especially at a young age. At an older age then there is usually a problem. Past 23, its not unreasonable for someone to be able to make plans about their future like that.

Now I will say, if he's 23 or over with a good job and not attending schooling right now or planning on it in the near future. Having been with you for 2 years then its not a completely unreasonable thing to ask him to start thinking about an engagement and marriage.

 

[The Nihilist]

If he is 23 or over, then he should seriously look at engagement rings.

Luther meant to say 35

 

[ImperialPhantom]

Hello everyone. My boyfriend and I will be together for 2 years this February and he has brought up a promise ring for me but he never got me it. I asked him why and he said because "its a commitment..." and made a face when he said commitment..like as if it was a bad word or something. He keeps telling me I love you and your the one...but I just don't want a commitment. So I read a cosmopolitan magazine (I know I shouldn't it's all jibberish what they say) and they say men wont give a commitment because either he doesn't love you or he just doesn't want to be tied down. Now you can imagine a person with OCD here reading that. I mean...he loves me right? why wont he just give me a promise ring?! its not like im asking for an engagement ring...just his word. He said He's sure i'm the one...then whats the problem?! and why is commitment such a vial word to him?!

I can't really say too much without knowing his age, just that I wouldn't trust Cosmo for any sort of info on the subject.

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

I wouldnt pay too much attention to what you read in magazines or even people's advice on the internet. Listen to your heart and do what feels right to you and pray about it. Also listen to your boyfriend and his reasons for not being ready. He might just need more time and then he might never be ready. It really depends. I dated my now fiance 2 and a half years before we got engaged. Some people gave me a hard time about it and bugged me constantly but my wedding is in a week so that really shows the timing is different for everyone. You need to follow your gut.

 

[Nienna_Lady_of_Tears]

Heh, I got my engagement ring 3 weeks and 2 days after we MET, at age 21. It was only because my husband got sick with lupus that we had to wait five years to get married. :/ And honestly? We knew we were the right fit for each other right away. But this is probably because neither of us are anything close to normal.

 

[Nickieb03]

My boyfriend is 21 and I'm 22. We've known each other since we were 11 years old. We went through jr high, high school and college together (this is his last year of college). We've been through alot in our relationship from his parents to my parents and grandmother. We know we're meant for each other...we've known it since the 6th grade but he just wont commit and I'm not understanding why. He says he wants to but then he doesn't....it's so annoying lately.

 

[Nienna_Lady_of_Tears]

Honestly? If you have known him that long and he hasn't made a commitment to you yet, he isn't going to.

He may have wanted the security of being in a relationship, but doesn't know if he wants to be married.

No offense, but sometimes us ladies think we're meant for someone but the guy doesn't really think it back, even if they say they do.

I'd see what backing off a bit does.

 

[Luther073082]

My boyfriend is 21 and I'm 22. We've known each other since we were 11 years old. We went through jr high, high school and college together (this is his last year of college). We've been through alot in our relationship from his parents to my parents and grandmother. We know we're meant for each other...we've known it since the 6th grade but he just wont commit and I'm not understanding why. He says he wants to but then he doesn't....it's so annoying lately.

Ok I think the only thing he owes you at this point is a timeline. A reasonable estimate as to when you can be expecting it. You know a plan. So I would ask him for that. Because at this point he should have a plan with you in it.

But at 21, he doesn't owe you a promise ring or an engagement ring just yet.

Let him get settled down with a decent job for a little while. Then see what happens.

I disagree with what was said above. Guys often first think of "can i take care of a family." And often times for a guy they feel they need a decent job.

Now here is another thing, if he doesn't have a decent job by the time he's 23 and he's stuck in a dead end job that doesn't make a lot. (Which is completly normal in this economy) you need to suggest to him that the two of you together can do it. (Presuming you have a job.)

But as far from what I can see, he owes you a plan and nothing more at this point. Give him some notice. Tell him basically "Look, I want to know what the long term plan is for us." And let him know that if he doesn't have a plan he should form one.

As soon as you get the plan, as long as its reasonable and has you engaged in the next 2 or 3 years, you need to get off his back about rings. Rings cost money which he may not even have at this point.

This would be a totally different story if you where both older and working full time. But he's still in college, doesn't know what the job situation will be when he gets out and needs to know that the two of you can afford living on your own.

As for with you, I would dump the magazines, really you shouldn't even be reading them. At best they will give you the wrong impression about men. At worse they could even cause damage to your relationship and future marriage.

 

[Forealzchola]

i am a little confused so he is not dating you exclusively? or you mean that you are looking for an engagement/marriage commitment? If he has committed to only dating you exclusively as a boyfriend...work with that first..dont pressure anyone into marrying or proposing to you..if you arent willing to be patient on the marriage aspect then maybe he is not what you are looking for.

 

[gzt]

As he's 21, he doesn't want to be tied down yet. And guys tend to think they need to have things in order before they do the engagement thing, or at least before the marriage thing. So he may want to marry you... eventually... but has to get stuff in order first - he's only 21 and not even out of school yet. He can't afford a diamond ring!

But you can ask him for some kind of timeline, discuss your intentions for each other, that sort of thing.