Boy\girl house sharing...advice needed please

[Alternate Carpark]

Okay, my daughter is 15 and has an opportunity to live closer to TAFE ( uni thing) by sharing a house with a Christian guy.


On the one hand I know my daughter very well and her relationship with God and myself are solid so I am not concerned about any sexual matters happening.
But on the other hand I do sense a bit of hesitation about it.

We are both seeking God on this issue regarding them sharing a house together.
What are your views, and scripture regarding this is most appreciated because I think this is one of those grey areas, where people's characters and attitudes plays a big part in the decision.

Even though my daughter is only 15, she is constantly being mistaken for a 20ish year old because of her maturity attitude wise.

 

[Rafael]

The hesitation could well be the Holy Spirit checking you from letting this happen. Putting two very young people of opposite sex together in a living situation with no chapparone or house monitor invites sexual temptation. You may know your daughter very well, but trusting her with another young man in this situation just seems unwise with consequences that could be life altering. Also, consider that we, as Christians, are supposed to abstain even from the appearance of evil before the world, so these two living together could be misleading to others and cause talk.
Sexual drive at this age is strong, and although the spirit may be strong, the flesh is weak - especially a young person encountering hormonal changes and urges they are inexperienced with.

1 Thessalonians 4:3 For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication:

1 Thessalonians 5:22 Abstain from all appearance of evil.

 

[Momzilla]

Ditto what raphe said. If you feel a hesitation, you should listen to it.

I wouldn't let one of my kids get into that kind of situation--it's just a disaster waiting to happen, IMHO.

 

[Rafael]

Anything we do should be done in faith, as Christians. That covers the grey area of our lives, when we don't know for sure what is right. Can we do it in faith?

Romans 14:23 And he that doubteth is condemned if he eat, because he eateth not of faith: for whatsoever is not of faith is sin.

 

[Sketcher]

Is it a 1-on-1 deal? If so then I would say forget it. In a group setting it is much safer, but not necessarily safe. Also, how long is it? One week will be much safer than one month.

Also, do you know this guy? How well do you know him? Even in the church, it saddens and angers me to say this, but horrible things can happen when the wrong guy is trusted too easily.

 

[Alternate Carpark]

Thanks for the input people.
Heres the reasons why I am unsure about it.

My initial thoughts were toward the scripture of 1 Thess 5:22.
But as I thought on this, is it sinful for people of opposite sex to share a house together ? One would have to conclude ..no.

Then I thought okay the temptation of sin is greater in that environment.
But then so it is when two people date.
So, if it is wise to not put oneself in a situation that increases temptation, then dating before marriage is out of the question.
This of course is not the way to go. We should be able to stand firm in our commitment to God no matter what situation we find ourselves in.

I'm trying to find a balance between legalistic adherance to particular scripture and the ability to stand firm in one's faith regardless of circumstances.

And I agree with the "everything done in faith" part.
But that could be interpreted to mean that living together is okay because I believe it is.

I am not trying to criticise people's advice, just trying to get a broader understanding of this grey area.

My initial thoughts were, NO WAY are you crazy girl. I then realised that is just my opinion based on vague memories of what I was taught.

i think what I see in my mind is that even though they would live under one roof just as friends, we are conditioned to see it as a defacto relationship.
And it is this misconception of them sharing a house that I want to clear up.

Yes there is more potential to fall into sin, but there is also more potential to grow spiritually by having one's faith tested in that environment.

Just to let you know, I have already advised my daughter that sharing a house with a guy is unacceptable. I told her this before I posted my thread.
But as we talked about it we come up to these other questions concerning it.
And of course, if there is any doubt about the decision, it is wise to say no.

Just wanted some feedback to be able to delve deeper into this subject.
As Potter'sClay mentioned somewhere else, God loves it when we ask heaps of probing questions.
Sometimes I wonder if He ever gets sick of all of mine these last 9 years.
More discussion is most appreciated about this.

 

[sally.b]

My advise is short & sweet, but in a similar situation I was quoted that the bible says "Do not live in the appearance of evil"
I never actually found this scripture in the bible so will need some help here...

But if this is the case it is saying in other words it is inappropriate because of the false representation or bad witness may give.

 

[12volt_man]

If she were a little older, then you might be able to build a better case but at 15, it's just asking for trouble.

 

[ShetlandRose]

It is a very bad idea. Can't see it as a gray area--it is black and white to me. This girl is only 15? Mercy! Sexual temptation is rampant in the teen years and peer pressure, not to mention unrestrained lack of morality in television and movies, etc. If something unfortunate happens, it will result in wreckage to the lives of those involved, the guilt and regret will continue for a lifetime. You will suffer guilt as well. It could be a case of "if only I hadn't...." The emotional scars from this kind of involvement are ugly, deep, and long-lasting. Personally, I would throw myself in front of a train before I would let my daughter room with a boy.

 

[Alternate Carpark]

So..if we make a mistake and she shares with a boy and succumbs to temptation and has sex, she is doomed to carry guilt forever ?

I am not mocking your view ShetlandRose, just analysing it and am still waiting for some indepth discussion on this subject.

 

[sally.b]

Well my comment may have not been that "in depth" but I feel it was valid to the circumstances..
I was hoping someone would have been able to have known of the scripture I had mentioned, so that an indepth could perhaps have come out of that.

Alt/Cp
Personally I dont think Shetland Rose was saying your daughter is doomed to carry guilt.
I think she is just saying, perhaps consider some of the worst things that could happen.....then think... could you live with that?

 

[TheOriginalWhitehorse]

So..if we make a mistake and she shares with a boy and succumbs to temptation and has sex, she is doomed to carry guilt forever ?

I am not mocking your view ShetlandRose, just analysing it and am still waiting for some indepth discussion on this subject.

Shetland Rose is right-the mistakes we make when we're younger can really impact our faith and harm our self-perceptions as we grow older and gain a better understanding of the significance of it all. If someone has a heart for the Lord, the things that please Him please us, and the things that displease Him and cause Him to suffer on the cross will wound our consciences. In fact, it's a good test of where we are in our faith. Shetland Rose gives really good advice.

 

[sowellfan]

So..if we make a mistake and she shares with a boy and succumbs to temptation and has sex, she is doomed to carry guilt forever ?

No, I wouldn't say that she would be doomed to carry guilt forever. She's only 15, as you say, and people can't spend their lives feeling guilty about what they did when they were kids. But if something bad were to happen, then I think *you* should rightfully feel some guilt. If she goes to live with a guy (you haven't mentioned his age, by the way...I wonder if he's old enough to act as a guardian, or is 15 old enough for legal independence in the UK?), then you are the one who has sent her there, and you are responsible for what happens. That is what being a parent is about.

You've been drawn in with some questionable logic, and I think you're headed down the wrong road. You say that since dating can tempt people, and living with a person of the opposite sex can tempt people, then if we disallow one we should disallow the other. That is simply bad logic, and you should know better. Dating does bring temptation, but that temptation comes in a limited time and place, especially for kids. By this I mean that they usually have to be back home at a certain time, and they don't have a house to roam around in without supervision, with vacant beds where a nice relaxing (purportedly innocent) backrub can quickly turn into something more.

None of us can ever hope to totally protect our children (or the children we hope to have someday, in my case) from temptation and pain. They are going to have some opportunity at some time to do things that we wouldn't want them doing. But parents need to at least do a nominal job of watching out for their children, even if "she is constantly being mistaken for a 20ish year old because of her maturity attitude wise." I also might add that her being mistaken for a 20ish year old probably also has something to do with her body, which means that she's going to be getting hit on by 20ish year old men (and 30ish, too, probably). But I'm sure she'll absolutely be able to take care of herself without having her mom around, since she's so mature and all.

 

[Echoes Peak]

So..if we make a mistake and she shares with a boy and succumbs to temptation and has sex, she is doomed to carry guilt forever ?

I am not mocking your view ShetlandRose, just analysing it and am still waiting for some indepth discussion on this subject.

I think this is what's trying to be said. Your daughter is fifteen and she's probably a very smart, intelligent, and spiritually grounded girl. (But then don't all parents so that JUST JOKING). However, her intentions may be wonderful, but her living in that situation may cause temptations that she does not want to deal with. Unfortunately, everytime we stumble there are consequences, and as sure as day, we will have to deal it with them. We may not deal with them immediately, but we'll deal with them later on. No one else may not necessarily be aware about them, but God is. I believe Shetland is saying that, put two young people of the opposite sex in a unsupervised living area, is asking your daughter to potentially deal with issues, she may not want to deal with yet. Hypothethically, let's say she did stumble....and had sex with aforementioned male, there's the possibilty of pregnancy, STDS, emotional discourse...whatever. I think Shetland was trying to say that....there could be struggles that lie ahead as a result of a bad decision that was made young in her life.
And going back to that thing about hitting on her because they think she's in her 20s and is mature..I have to agree more with the guy who said, it probably has to do alot with her body. I, too have been 15...and 16....17...and yeah, some guys will approach a girl if they she's "legal" looking, so I'd watch out for that. I, too, was told I was mature and all that jazz by guys who were more than double my age, so I haven't much stock in what males say.

 

[Yitzchak]

Have you thought about legal concerns? My impression is that there is an issue of legal guardianship. Since she is under age, is it legal for her to live on her own or does she need a guardian?

I realize that people mature at different rates so the cutoff of 18 doesn't always apply for purposes of maturity. But it is a consideration. She will be on her own soon enough and is this really the best way to make that transition? I would reccomend something a little less extreme as a stepping stone to her making her own decisions about these sorts of things. One mistake many parents make is making all the decisions and then suddenly allowing an 18 year old total freedom in decisions. My advice, try to find a compromise. Besides the issue of boy/girl living together, I would be uncomfortable with my 15 year old daughter moving in with a female friend totally unsupervised.

 

[Alternate Carpark]

Yeah LOL on all parents saying good things about their children, but honestly, if I didn't know my daughter and she didn't love God, there's no way I would let her even live where she is now..with 3 other girls.
She is completely trustworthy and if she has any concerns , we discuss them thoroughly until everyone is at peace. She values and listens to my input and we discuss what God says about it. She loves to learn the reality of God's view.


Thanks everyone....I only quoted Shetland Rose because she said live with guilt FOREVER. To me that's not what I experience with God, all guilt and shame for past mistakes are totally removed.

In reference to my daughter being mistaken for a 20 year old, this is not about older guys hitting on her. LOL , she thinks older guys doing that are just silly.
She doesn't have a boyfriend and isn't even looking for one, she is concentrating on other areas at the moment.

No, I mean adults in the general public that she interacts with think she is older by her confidence and how she conducts herself,, IE like at a job interview situation.

The logic about dating is the same as house sharing is not my viewpoint.
It a hypothetical that if house sharing increases temtation then so does dating.

And yes.. the issue of temptation ( which came about from discussing it here )would have to be the deciding factor in regards to sharing a house. As I said, I already said no to her before I posted this, but because I have taught my children to question everything to test if it's right, it would be wrong for me to just say no and leave it at that.
Considering that she is a young adult now, it is crucial to treat her as one and explain the reasons and motives behind my yes and no.

 

[Echoes Peak]

Yeah LOL on all parents saying good things about their children, but honestly, if I didn't know my daughter and she didn't love God, there's no way I would let her even live where she is now..with 3 other girls.
She is completely trustworthy and if she has any concerns , we discuss them thoroughly until everyone is at peace. She values and listens to my input and we discuss what God says about it. She loves to learn the reality of God's view.


Thanks everyone....I only quoted Shetland Rose because she said live with guilt FOREVER. To me that's not what I experience with God, all guilt and shame for past mistakes are totally removed.

In reference to my daughter being mistaken for a 20 year old, this is not about older guys hitting on her. LOL , she thinks older guys doing that are just silly.
She doesn't have a boyfriend and isn't even looking for one, she is concentrating on other areas at the moment.

No, I mean adults in the general public that she interacts with think she is older by her confidence and how she conducts herself,, IE like at a job interview situation.

The logic about dating is the same as house sharing is not my viewpoint.
It a hypothetical that if house sharing increases temtation then so does dating.

And yes.. the issue of temptation ( which came about from discussing it here )would have to be the deciding factor in regards to sharing a house. As I said, I already said no to her before I posted this, but because I have taught my children to question everything to test if it's right, it would be wrong for me to just say no and leave it at that.
Considering that she is a young adult now, it is crucial to treat her as one and explain the reasons and motives behind my yes and no.

Fair enough. I think it IS a good thing to try and discuss with your daughter why things are or are not appropriate , instead of just saying "NO." She is 15, after all, and I know as I went through my teen years, I definitely wanted to understand some of the decisions my parents made.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

I don't know your daughter or the boy/man.
Is the male living with parents or is it where he lives by himself?
If that is the case then I would guess he is over 18. But I don't know...

By and large, with the information given us, this sounds like an idea that leads down dead end roads.
I have a pretty open mind too.
It would need an exceptional set of circumstances that would make this an appealing course of action.

 

[sowellfan]

It would need an exceptional set of circumstances that would make this an appealing course of action.

Maybe if he were totally flamboyantly gay...

 

[Alternate Carpark]

Maybe if he were totally flamboyantly gay..

Hehe...well they would enjoy clothes shopping together wouldn't they

Fair enough. I think it IS a good thing to try and discuss with your daughter why things are or are not appropriate , instead of just saying "NO." She is 15, after all, and I know as I went through my teen years, I definitely wanted to understand some of the decisions my parents made.

Same here..my parents taught me zilch..zip...zero...messed my young adult life up real bad.
when my daughter turned 12, we began the all too familair clashing that parent/teens do. I asked God, " Hokey...show me what to do, because this is not right."
He led me to this book 'Boundaries' by Townsend and Cloud. ( two amazing christian psychologists)
Not only did it explain the whole process of emotional growth from birth to adult,
explaining the terrible 2's phase, the teen/parent clash phase, our internal defense mechanisms...the list goes on....

But most importantly it shed light, much needed light on what happened to me in the past, not only releasing me from confusion and guilt but empowering me to set a new course for the future and my children's future.
To develop an open channel between my heart and theirs.

A definate Holy Spirit inspired book.

Since then I read at least 10 books relating to how to be the best parent I can for my children and how to help develop them into individual and unique God seeking adults.

It is written."My people perish through a lack of knowledge"
And through a gaining of knowledge I was able to turn a
"I don't even want to be seen in public with you dad" type of daughter into a person who constantly rings me and wants to spend quality time with me.

How did God do this in 2 years...HE showed me that I had to constantly change to match the developing and changing perceptions of my once dependant little girl who is fast becoming and wanting to become a separate identity...an adult.

Isn't God wonderful, amazing, gracious, patient , all knowing !!