Boundaries

[Doctor Strangelove]

I have been thinking about boundaries lately. We need boundaries with how we deal with people (respect), boundaries for privacy and boundaries for how we use our time. This is as true of our online activities as it is for how we deal with people in real life.

Online we are usually anonymous so we might feel bold to say the wrong things. I do not think we can compartmentalize and be in the habit of saying mean things to people online but somehow turn around and be considerate to people in the more demanding realm of real life relationships when we feel annoyed or misunderstood. Granted, everyone has a bad day or says something ill-considered sometimes.

I think we need boundaries in the sense of privacy even when we are anonymous but I don't know what a good balance is. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable hearing "too much information" but on the other hand I appreciate a real discussion rather than a "nice" and rote and "Christian" discussion that can be false piety. I posted some things that were too personal or specific and I thought about them later and panicked, thinking, “I said that?!” It felt good to vent about certain things but one can go too far, or at any rate I am trying to find my comfort level because in real life I almost always keep everything very tightly bottled in. And sometimes venting just becomes a negative feedback loop.

The time issue has occassionally been something I need to keep track of in blogging. I found it helps me to turn off e-mail notifications on threads because notifications can be a distraction. I also have some real-life activities and spend time with people although those discussions are not quite like they are here!

So, does anyone have any ideas about boundaries? What are guidelines or practices you have found helpful?

 

[dayhiker]

I'm pretty open with my life and what's going on in it. But I'm also aware that some don't want to know. But if they don't tell me they don't want to know! I guess sometimes I pick up on their discomfort and wouldn't talk, but there is a good chance I'll miss it. So its better for them to say something to me.

I think there are a couple of reasons I am OK sharing some detail. One is its hard for someone to turn it back on me and hurt with me with data about my own life. The other Doc made reference to, if no personal data examples are given the talk gets so general that I don't know what they are talking about much of the time.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I'm a pretty open book too. Often I think when on this forum, that "ya know, I don't really know these people!". I don't have a problem sharing certain information, but when it gets to talking about sex and preferences etc...I don't really care to know the details. That's too much information TMI, if you know what I mean. Some things I think should be private IMO.
I mean if the question is like the one I posted Can you live without sex? I had a reason for asking, but I didn't really want to end up talking about pleasuring oneself or why it's necessary etc. I can deal without knowing that, thank you very much. I don't care to know how often they need it either unless it was someone I was in a relationship with I don't need to know.
I do appreciate the openness of some, but others are just crass and sometimes even mean with their opinions.
But all that being said, I'm a pretty blunt person, and I've made comments before (not talking about sex here, just in general) IRL and had my friends exclaim "Michelle!" like they couldn't believe I just said what I said. And I'm always surprised like "what?" cuz I know they were thinking what I was saying lol.
So YES we need boundaries, on the other hand I wish people in general would be more open and honest with their words IRL and online

 

[blackribbon]

When it comes to posting...I think the line should be drawn if you would be bothered if you post something that you wouldn't say in real life. However there is the exception that sometimes this is a safe place to have questions answered or get relatively unbiased opinions.

Being in nursing school, my whole life is about crossing privacy boundaries and learning to be comfortable with it. I am required, for a patient's safety and health, to look at and/or touch every inch of their body (anything with skin)...and I have to ask excessively personal questions .... all to understand a patient's full health status and recognize any potential issues. I find the more I do this, the less I am bothered by boundaries...but at the same time I have a more healthy appreciation for the value of them. (if that makes any sense)

 

[Life2Christ]

So, does anyone have any ideas about boundaries? What are guidelines or practices you have found helpful?

I think talking about sex with a member of the opposite sex is shaky ground. This board is notorious for that.

When I'm with a married couple I only kiss the woman hello unless both members are family.

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

I think talking about sex with a member of the opposite sex is shaky ground. This board is notorious for that.

All this promiscuous sharing of electrons and photons!

 

[blackribbon]

I think talking about sex with a member of the opposite sex is shaky ground. This board is notorious for that.

When I'm with a married couple I only kiss the woman hello unless both members are family.

How else do you learn how the opposite sex views sex? Without an understanding, people tend to believe that the rest of the "feels" the same way they do. This board has shown how differently the different sexes view sex...and also has shown that there are a variety of viewpoints even within the same sex. I personally think that being comfortable talking about sex is good preparation for a good marriage...it is not like a wedding ring suddenly makes it easy to talk about sex. I personally wish I had more "education" on what is "normal" and "acceptable" going into marriage. It would have made some of those early years a lot easier.

Now HOW the subject is discussed needs to be handled with tact and class...but I think that the divorce rate in our country would be lower if people could talk about this subject "better"...beyond the "titillating" way we do it now. I think mixed expectations which turns into dual disappointment is a major cause of marriage dissatisfaction.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I agree blackribbon....I am fine with being open, but we don't need ALL the details...I mean after all we are mature right? So we should know a thing or two by now I think.

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

There is not much honest discussion about sex. Most of what you hear are from those who have corrupt and perverted agendas.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

My friend whos engaged to a filipina woman like I am avoids the subject of sex. Long story short when he marries his fiance he doesn't plan on having sex at all on the honeymoon for fear she will get pregnant, mind you it will be about three years before she can come here, which means three years without sex.

Sex is not all there is in marriage. But when you marry and are in a long distance relationship, that honeymoon time and the sex are part of a STRONG bond you need to make with your betrothed. I try talking to him about it and he doens't really like to nor does he want to use words in any way related to sex or anatomy. We are both adults and engaged. True we don't need every detail, but we shouldn't feel ashamed to discuss something like sex, more so on the topic of having it on the honeymoon.

Its not like I am telling him about how to have sex or this or that. Just talking about the importance of it in this case. In general though I too am an open book about most things.

When I'm with a married couple I only kiss the woman hello unless both members are family.

I've always felt awkward about that situation too. Especially when women my age hug me, let alone want to kiss me on the cheek. Of course growing up in a BIG italian family kissing and hugging is normal and part of what italians do. Along with cheek pinching when your young...ugh. LOL

 

[dayhiker]

I remember being in separate meetings about sex ed where the women and men were separated. When I was young that made sense to me. but at my age and having been with adults that were comfortable discussing sex, love and intimacy in mixed company I feel that is much more comfortable and informative for me.

In Divorce Care they will separate us for our discussion about single sex like we were teens even tho I think we are all over 40. Seems silly to me.

 

[dayhiker]

Just curious, black, because its part of the job that you have to cross boundaries that others have in other situations to deal with their health issues and its clear why you need to feel comfortable with that. For one thing it helps the patient be comfortable with what they are going thru.

But I assume that your boundaries may not of changed? Or have they changed? I guess if there was personal topics you didn't want to talk with others about, a type of boundary, you job would require to talk about them. But just because you job has you crossing other peoples boundaries doesn't mean they can cross back over your boundaries. Which in a way is what keeps things professional!
How do you see aall that working together.

Being in nursing school, my whole life is about crossing privacy boundaries and learning to be comfortable with it. I am required, for a patient's safety and health, to look at and/or touch every inch of their body (anything with skin)...and I have to ask excessively personal questions .... all to understand a patient's full health status and recognize any potential issues. I find the more I do this, the less I am bothered by boundaries...but at the same time I have a more healthy appreciation for the value of them. (if that makes any sense)

 

[Life2Christ]

I agree blackribbon....I am fine with being open, but we don't need ALL the details...I mean after all we are mature right? So we should know a thing or two by now I think.

I'm one of those people, as I alluded to earlier in this thread, that feels that adult men & women should not discuss sex in a social setting. Its just about boundaries. Its TMI and temptation never takes a vacation with some people. You never know. I grew up in an Orthodox Jewish enclave and they are fantical about separating adult men & women in the temples (sit on separate sides). I'm like ew, that's silly. But now I know why and I now I see differently. Yes its legalistic but interesting.

Usually when people have extramarital affairs the first thing they say is 1 of 2 things: 1.) We were only friends & 2.) we didn't mean for this to happen. That's because they started getting intimate in verbal ways first.

 

[blackribbon]

In nursing, we have what is considering a "therapeutic" relationship with our patients. It is fairly one sided. Our purpose is to help them and not expect (or allow) anything back.

In real life, I think that because of these therapeutic relationships, I see that my view of what is "normal" is increasing and being more open and accepting to things and people that I might not have been before...mostly out of ignorance. This isn't quite the same as "tolerance" like they teach in school where really they are asking kids to put their own beliefs in the garbage and absorb some sort of universal acceptance of everything and everyone. For me, my "new acceptance" is more based on learning to love and care for everyone where they stand and "as is". I don't have to compromise my own belief system in the process. My only job is to take care of people and encourage them and teach them ways to become more healthy...physical and spiritually and socially. I kind of see it being very "Christ-like" in that way. I don't judge...just serve.

I also see how "silence" about a person's healthy issues and sexuality, whether out of embarassment or some weird view on morality, often physically harms a person because they don't get help when they should and often wait until irreversible damage is done. I mean if you can't talk openly about "down there" type issues when you first notice them (and this includes problems like pain when having sex), how do you solve them before they become life issues. If it hurts to have sex...then you start to avoid it...your relationship starts to fall apart...and maybe so do things in your reproductive system. The same goes for urinary and bowel issues....and then you end up on the floor where I am currently working where cleaning bottoms, sheets, and pads probably took up the majority of time for at least half of the student nurses this week....and I mean, non-stop in some rooms because adult diapers are not used much anymore.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I'm one of those people, as I alluded to earlier in this thread, that feels that adult men & women should not discuss sex in a social setting. Its just about boundaries. Its TMI and temptation never takes a vacation with some people. You never know. I grew up in an Orthodox Jewish enclave and they are fantical about separating adult men & women in the temples (sit on separate sides). I'm like ew, that's silly. But now I know why and I now I see differently. Yes its legalistic but interesting.

Usually when people have extramarital affairs the first thing they say is 1 of 2 things: 1.) We were only friends & 2.) we didn't mean for this to happen. That's because they started getting intimate in verbal ways first.

True about the extramarital affairs but also it is usually because there is something (like sex or excitement) lacking in their marriage. Doesn't mean it's OK but.....

Everyone is different and I'm completely OK with that. For me....I truly wish I could have male friends that really were just friends. I am beginning to see that this is not reality. I just would like to have people that I could go do things with, like camping, that I would not feel comfortable doing alone or even with just my kids. At the moment I am still undecided if I want/need a relationship beyond friendship.
I DO however wish to understand how men think so that IF and WHEN I DO have a relationship I will be aware of things I might not have been KWIM? But I do not feel the need to know about personal stuff like pleasuring oneself and how often that is necessary.

 

[blackribbon]

Usually when people have extramarital affairs the first thing they say is 1 of 2 things: 1.) We were only friends & 2.) we didn't mean for this to happen. That's because they started getting intimate in verbal ways first.

BUT...there had to be a problem with their marriage BEFORE "being friends" became a temptation.

I was friends with several men and it was not an issue because my BEST FRIEND was the man at home.

 

[dayhiker]

black ... that helps me quite a bit to understand how that is viewed.

I too find that attitude quite "Christ-like" in the nature of the ministry. I do a similar thing with some of the things I do to befriend people, but of course I don't know if they understand what I'm doing and what my motive is.

 

[renewed21]

True about the extramarital affairs but also it is usually because there is something (like sex or excitement) lacking in their marriage. Doesn't mean it's OK but.....

Everyone is different and I'm completely OK with that. For me....I truly wish I could have male friends that really were just friends. I am beginning to see that this is not reality. I just would like to have people that I could go do things with, like camping, that I would not feel comfortable doing alone or even with just my kids. At the moment I am still undecided if I want/need a relationship beyond friendship.
I DO however wish to understand how men think so that IF and WHEN I DO have a relationship I will be aware of things I might not have been KWIM? But I do not feel the need to know about personal stuff like pleasuring oneself and how often that is necessary.

6.3 times per day.........oops, sorry Michelle

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

6.3 times per day.........oops, sorry Michelle

You must really be renewed somehow if you can manage that.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

6.3 times per day.........oops, sorry Michelle

How ever do you get anything else done then? LOL