Boundaries

[dluvs2trvl]

What sorts of boundaries have you set in your life and around your heart?

I have a guy friend that I truly only want to be friends with...we used to hang out every so often...nothing major at all...and I know that there were no romantic feelings on his side either...

Anyways, the other day I talked with him on the phone and he has decided that he isn't going to hang out one on one with any woman unless he has romantic feelings for her. At first, it really bummed me out because I really liked having dinner with him every once in a while, etc.

But, the more I've thought about it, the more I wonder if he isn't right. Maybe it's just best to keep male/female interactions reserved for romance.

What do you guys think? What sorts of boundaries do you set up for yourself? And we don't have to just talk about romantic boundaries....that was just the example that really got me to thinking about this...

 

[ido]

I'm getting ready to put Jesse down for a nap, so I'll come back to this in a bit.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I personally don't have those boundaries (in romance/friendships with opposite sex) but.....it would keep us more focused I think. For example. I had a guy friend that was my best friend after my husband died. We would hang out and it was purely platonic. Then he got a girlfriend and now we can't hang out, because that would be inappropriate. I am friends with the gf and am perfectly fine with the whole thing, it just kinda sucked at first because I lost my best friend. So I'm all fine with hangin out as just friends, but as far as best friends or anything, I guess I'll just have to settle for same sex friends. That way (hopefully) I won't have to lose them when they get a bf. Both my current best friends are women and they both have SO's so sometimes I wish I had a best friend that was single. Oh well...can't have it all can we?

 

[Bridgit]

Well, it is hard for me to have friends that are men and easy to have friends that are women.

I don't know what it is but when a man talks to me I automatically think of making sure I don't look in his eyes too long, or touch him, or spend too much time with him. I think that if I do that then my feelings and his feelings might not remain platonic anymore (that is if I want them to remain platonic). I am careful to behave a certain way such that my behavior won't be interpreted the wrong way.

I am a very perceptive and observant person and I have the tendency to think that the person I'm talking too might be just as perceptive and observant as I am, or maybe more. No big deal if I'm talking to a woman, but it could be a big deal if I'm talking to a man.

It is not easy though because I don't want to be thought as an indifferent person, but also I don't want to wake up the wrong hormones of the man I'm talking to. Unless I want to!

That is just how I feel. Not sure if that makes sense.

 

[joanna1]

It's an interesting one. I don't have any boundaries as a rule, but when it comes to physical contact, I don't like it to precede a relationship. In the friendship I was in recently, there was a lot of physical flirting - nothing over the top but a lot of little things, permanently. I didn't like the fact it preceded us dating. I think if the physical aspect becomes dominant in a friendship or relationship, even if there is nothing inappropriate per se, I feel like I need to step back.
For instance, if I was in a relationship and the other person was constantly requesting massages, physical attention ect... I'd get worried about their motivations, although I have absolutely no problem doing those things in themselves. If you see what I mean


On a different subject... I'm currently feeling uncomfortable with one of my friendships. My translator has a girlfriend, and he is devoted to her in many ways. He is committed to marrying her and frequently publicly expresses his love for her, and I have no doubt of his sincerity.
Yet I have been led to spend a lot of time with him for professional reasons and I often find he appears to enjoy my conversation more than hers when we're in a group situation, he'll be talking to me more than her. I feel bad for her - yet I'm wondering if I'm not being stupidly self-centered in imagining things. I'm unsure wether I should start putting up more boundaries in this friendship.

 

[Jenster]

On a different subject... I'm currently feeling uncomfortable with one of my friendships. My translator has a girlfriend, and he is devoted to her in many ways. He is committed to marrying her and frequently publicly expresses his love for her, and I have no doubt of his sincerity.
Yet I have been led to spend a lot of time with him for professional reasons and I often find he appears to enjoy my conversation more than hers when we're in a group situation, he'll be talking to me more than her. I feel bad for her - yet I'm wondering if I'm not being stupidly self-centered in imagining things. I'm unsure wether I should start putting up more boundaries in this friendship.

Slightly OT, but I would suggest asking people in the Women's forum or Marrieds forum, joanna. I have also wondered at this. I've seen two people really seem to enjoy each other's company, and I've wondered if it signifies anything. I've also heard, however, that sometimes two people who are SIMILAR to each other will hit it off, but that doesn't mean a relationship would work out between them. If you post in either forum, please let me know so I can follow the thread!

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I would be open to having friendships with males, but it usually doesn't turn out well. Usually one or the other wants more. Right now Dan is my friend, but there is that undercurrent that has always been there.

 

[Jenster]

Good topic, D.

About the guy/girl thing. There is a lot of wisdom in NOT being close friends with the opposite sex. Too much opportunity for misunderstanding, unequal feelings, etc. However, I think men and women can hang out together every now and then. I would be very disappointed if one of my guy friends, whom I am in ministry with, was completely "off limits." We have lunch together maybe twice a year and only call for ministry purposes. But I still consider him a friend.

Other boundaries: I try to stay away from "toxic" people. I used to try to be super nice to everyone. I've learned the wisdom of not casting pearls before swine.

I try not to assume anything, positive or negative, about people based on a few conversations. Just because he's got a good sense of humor doesn't mean he's a moral person. Just because she's abrupt doesn't mean she doesn't have a heart of gold. I guess I'm saying, I don't want to get up false hope when meeting someone, nor rush to judgment. That's kind of a boundary.

I give myself the "me" time that I need. It's a boundary against complying too much with what other people want. Also, I'm learning (slowly) to question people when they ask for something if it seems unreasonable or odd.

 

[FlatpickingJD]

. . . About the guy/girl thing. There is a lot of wisdom in NOT being close friends with the opposite sex. Too much opportunity for misunderstanding, unequal feelings, etc. . . .

And it works both ways. I've been in situations where the gal misunderstood me, and others where I misunderstood the gal. It's a shame, because I do enjoy friendships with women.

My biggest boundary is one I set up at work: I don't socialize outside of work. Period. It's not that I don't enjoy my co-workers and their company, but (a) I need my alone time and (b) if we come to a disagreement about something outside of work, it can affect our work relationship. For example, one person I used to work with thought that because we agreed on a lot of social issues, I couldn't possibly be a believer. She found out otherwise, and our relationship became strained. Live and learn.

 

[dayhiker]

I don't have any fixed boundries about time with the oposite sex.
But I have a GF now and she has issues, so I'm not hanging out with any other ladies.

dayhiker

 

[Jenster]

Boundary with opposite sex: If I am talking with a guy who is married or has a gf, I will make a point to ask about her or include some reference to her in the conversation. Just to make it clear to the guy that I am in no way looking at him as an unattached person.

 

[Mark2010]

I really think it depends on the persons involved.

For me, I have boundaries when dealing with someone of the opposite sex who is married or engaged. But even then I've gone to lunch with co-workers.

I try to respect the wishes of others. People have told me that I have a fair amount of self-control, so I don't worry much about things getting out of hand on my end. But if someone else has different standards, I try to respect that.

I don't see any reason why single men and women can't be friends if the two are mature enough to handle it. But I guess each person is different.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

I think I have boundaries that I'm not aware of and I think sometimes that 'unseen boundary' is some sort of destructive wall that I put up (unknowingly) when I'm around guys that prevents me from being friends with them (and REALLY prevents anything beyond friendship).

As for being friends with the opposite sex...I don't have a problem with it esp. since I am a huge sports fan. I tend to like to talk sports with guys (until they turn on the 'knowitall' persona and want to argue everything you say). I'm certainly not opposed to attending a sporting event with a member of the opposite sex. I'm very particular around attached/married ppl though. I also make it a point to ask about the significant other/spouse and try to make sure my 'personal space' is wider.