just a heads up, I do post here at this site, but am being incognito for the moment. BF and I been dating about 8mo. We haven't started getting really heavily involved until the last three months. I am a virgin, he is not. Lately we have been in situations where I have had to tell him 2 or 3 times to stop. I'm all for kissing and caressing(as long as hands are in the appropriate places) but I do draw the line with where he puts his hands and sometimes he wants to, put them *in* places. We are not talking to one another at this very minute because he feels I have compared him to a rapist. He took what I was saying all wrong. I told him when I have to push his hands away or tell him repeatedly to stop, that in a way I begin to feel violated. He says since I'm a virgin that I don't understand how hard it is to stop because I don't know how good it feels. I told him, if I were to fall, then that would be the end of it, because then he would expect it, and want it more "since he knows what it feels like". I really love him and am upset that I hurt him, but am I being unrealistic? Should I cut him some slack because he is a normal guy with an apetite? At the same time I feel he should be more understanding of my boundaries. Can someone give me some feedback here please?
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Boundaries
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Alenci
To God be the glory
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No- you have no reason to cut him slack! He is simply making excuses for irresponsible and disrespectful behavior. I cannot place any more stress on my response. You should have a very serious discussion with him; obviously he wasn't swayed by hearing how you feel disrespected, so the next step is laying down the rules. There have to be some consequences if he is going to continue acting that way. Perhaps you could spend less time with him, and if that does not change him, you may have to break up with him... at least until he is willing to respect you (and his Lord, if he is a Christian).
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eatenbylocusts
Senior Veteran
You do not need to give him any slack. I'm assuming he's a Christian. He should be happy that you are a virgin and want you to stay that way until you are married. You're just asking for trouble by letting your boundaries get pushed farther and farther back. That is not a good sign that you have to tell him 2 or 3 times to stop and then gives you a guilt trip. And if he is doing something you don't want him to, then he is violating you.
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DeepThinker
Active Member
Lets put a Male spin on things, yep its hard for us to control ourslves sometimes, my hands been known to slip from time to time too (no ones perfect) BUT this does not mean he should make excuses for it, and he cirtainly should not blame you and say you dont understand. Furthermore he needs to know that no means NO. I agree with the others you need him to realise that your bounderies are yours to make, he doesnt get a say in what he can and cant do to you.
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peanutbutter12
Senior Veteran
I agree with the above. Being a guy, I understand it too. However, if he can't control himself, than you need to tell him that you both need to stop getting into situations that could lead to having to tell him to stop. If that means no more kissing/touching to get the point through, than so be it.
The fact that he is trying to guilt you into going further basically tells me that he has no respect for you or the word "no". You don't know "how good it feels" because you are not allowed to till you are married, nor do you wish to. You don't deserve that and you need to consider what could happen if you let it continue. It could be that the word "no" may sometime have no effect on him.
Sex is a Pandora's Box. Once it's open, you see things in a new view. I coudl compare it to Adam and Eve eatting the apple. Suddenly a light just flicked on and they saw things. But more comes from it. You start to desire it and it becomes harder to say no. Not something you want to get into...
If he is mad because you won't give him what he wants, then he does not want you for who you are and you should not continue the relationship.
CJ
The fact that he is trying to guilt you into going further basically tells me that he has no respect for you or the word "no". You don't know "how good it feels" because you are not allowed to till you are married, nor do you wish to. You don't deserve that and you need to consider what could happen if you let it continue. It could be that the word "no" may sometime have no effect on him.
Sex is a Pandora's Box. Once it's open, you see things in a new view. I coudl compare it to Adam and Eve eatting the apple. Suddenly a light just flicked on and they saw things. But more comes from it. You start to desire it and it becomes harder to say no. Not something you want to get into...
If he is mad because you won't give him what he wants, then he does not want you for who you are and you should not continue the relationship.
CJ
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Well aside from this issue, he is pretty much perfect in all other areas. I called him last night and he said he didn't want to talk about it over the phone, so we're meeting for lunch. I'm wondering if he's gonna say that we shouldn't be together. Yes he is a christian, but a lukewarm one at that. Maybe I'm not being aggresive enough, or maybe he doesn't hear me the first time. I can see why he'd be upset for thinking I compared him to a rapist. Hopefully we can work this out.
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DeepThinker
Active Member
Good luck to you, I hope that what ever way it goes things will work out for the best in the end. You seem like a lovely person so im sure this will be the case.soul_mates said:
God Bless
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inchristalone221
Californian Theology Student
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Good luck, let us know how it works out.
I totally agree with this quote. When I was courting, my hands slipped once, and she just very firmly made me stop and I did and I loved her all the more for wanting to stay pure. This guy needs talked to. He either needs to be very very sorry and penitent or he needs to get dropped (sorry to be blunt, bad habit of mine).
I totally agree with this quote. When I was courting, my hands slipped once, and she just very firmly made me stop and I did and I loved her all the more for wanting to stay pure. This guy needs talked to. He either needs to be very very sorry and penitent or he needs to get dropped (sorry to be blunt, bad habit of mine).
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Arclight610
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If he loves you, he will respect your beliefs. Also being a guy I know how sexual tension feels, but I hardly need be reminded to "settle down". If I do, its like a brush of my hand with hers and then I get the picture. You need to tell him what's up, or its just going to lead to pain for you in the future.
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Mskedi
Senior Veteran
He should be apologizing to you, not making excuses. Couples have to be on the same page regarding intimacy boundaries. Hopefully you two can come up with a plan that is agreeable to the both of you when you meet. As someone else said, that may involve not getting into situations that will allow him to slip up. His temptation is normal, but his insistance is disrespectful.
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