Book Him.......danno!

[exitstageright]

How much tenacity is appropriate in pursuing someone?

Since I have heard many Christian ladies tell me and other men,” I want someone to pursue me”. This question is mostly for the ladies.

One dating coach said that men should not have a desperate look when they are interested in a woman. However, the man also, must not show indifference.
I asked the dating coach,”Well,let us say that indifference is a “one” on the scale,and being desperate is a “ten” on the scale. It would be ideal if I “turned my knob to a “5” on the scale.” The dating coach told me ,”Yes!,you want to be somewhere in the middle”. I told him,”Yes.I understand.My problem is that I do not know…….where to “set the dial to 5,because I have no clue where “5” is!”
He,the dating coach had no answer for me. The best way for one to learn is to ask questions.But,it is very frustrating when no one has any answers for want I want to learn.I would rather solve a problem than just whine about a problem.

When I worked part time at this hospital lab in Hawaii,I was interested in an X-ray Tech. When she told me that she was “busy”,I thought she meant about her schedule. I had no idea that she was talking about her already being in a relationship.(By being busy)
Why do some of us feel the need to talk to the opposite sex in codes?
I called her up. I was later informed by another co-worker, that she called the Honolulu Police Department (HPD) on me!

I called HPD to find out if this was true or not. The police officer said that this was true.
I told the police officer that I was in no way stalking her. I have no record of,nor have I ever been violent towards any woman. The officer said,
‘Well,just do not contact her anymore.” That was the end of that. I am just glad that there were no policemen at my front door,and that no one said,” BOOK HIM,……..DANNO!

There was another case,where a man was pursuing a woman.She,at first wanted nothing to do with him .But…..he kept on being persistent, persistent, and persistent. The lady’s name was Nancy. The pursuing, and tenacious man’s name was…. Ronald Reagan.

By the way ,when I pursue some Christian women, they run!

 

[miss-a]

I think the moral of that story, Exit, is that all women are different. In Nancy's case it may be that she liked Ron, but was just not in a dating place in her life, perhaps healing from a previous relationship, or just fed up with the whole dating thing. So when someone she liked came along, it wasn't that his tenacity convinced her to like him, but rather to start giving relationships a try again.

And that makes it hard on the asker. Is the responder saying no to the asker or saying no to dating in general. That's the part that's up for grabs. The guess work.

As for not coming off as desperate, I think the best thing one can do is make sure they are not desparate. It seems to me that a desparate person can't hide that, no matter how much they try. They've got a gaping wound and it shows, and it does scare people. And that's kind of how it should be, because the desperate person can make very bad choices, until healed. So if one is not desperate he can just be himself.

As for tenacity, I think taking no for an answer graciously is the best way to go. If I were in a place where I just wasn't dating, and a guy who seemed a good match for me asked me out I'd probably break my no-dating rule for him. But if not, and he said to me, "Well, if anything ever changes for you, I'd love tohave the chance to get to know you better," that would probably stick with me, and when I was ready I might be comfortable approaching him. But if I say no, and a guy keeps after me, that probably wouldn't set well.

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

If I get "not interested" signals, I am rather quick to just let things drop. It can be hard when I think I might have a lot in common with someone but for whatever reason she does not seem to be interested. But I just accept she isn't interested and let it go. You don't know what people are going through. Maybe she will think of me later or maybe not. I want to be remembered as the gentleman who got away rather than the creepy guy who kept bothering her.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

If I get "not interested" signals, I am rather quick to just let things drop. It can be hard when I think I might have a lot in common with someone but for whatever reason she does not seem to be interested. But I just accept she isn't interested and let it go. You don't know what people are going through. Maybe she will think of me later or maybe not. I want to be remembered as the gentleman who got away rather than the creepy guy who kept bothering her.

That's it! Also women want to be pursued by men they are attracted to not just every random guy that is attracted to them. As scary as it might sound, what do you have to lose by asking when they say they are busy, or they say no, why? or if they think sometime in the future it might be an option and you want them to be honest? If a guy that I could not see myself with AT ALL asked me out and I knew I would just never consider him an option, if he asked me, I would tell him the truth. But maybe that's just me.

 

[exitstageright]

That's it! Also women want to be pursued by men they are attracted to not just every random guy that is attracted to them. As scary as it might sound, what do you have to lose by asking when they say they are busy, or they say no, why? or if they think sometime in the future it might be an option and you want them to be honest? If a guy that I could not see myself with AT ALL asked me out and I knew I would just never consider him an option, if he asked me, I would tell him the truth. But maybe that's just me.

Because,often times, I just cannot think of anything to ask or to say. The word,"NO!!!!!" is so painful for me to hear.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Because,often times, I just cannot think of anything to ask or to say. The word,"NO!!!!!" is so painful for me to hear.

over come your fear! prepare in advance. If the girl says no, say "Can I just ask you, because I'm just curious, would you ever want to go on a date with me?" and if she says no, say "well can I just ask you, why?"
I mean she's already said no once right? At least if you get a no to this question you know not to try to keep asking.

 

[dayhiker]

ya, its easier said that done. Plus I'd not expect the woman to give a straight answer. So I don't think asking helps in general.

So I'd say flirt a lot and see who shows interest. Then seek to spend some time with them and see what the interest is for both yourself and her.

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

How much tenacity is appropriate in pursuing someone?

Since I have heard many Christian ladies tell me and other men,” I want someone to pursue me”. This question is mostly for the ladies.

One dating coach said that men should not have a desperate look when they are interested in a woman. However, the man also, must not show indifference.
I asked the dating coach,”Well,let us say that indifference is a “one” on the scale,and being desperate is a “ten” on the scale. It would be ideal if I “turned my knob to a “5” on the scale.” The dating coach told me ,”Yes!,you want to be somewhere in the middle”. I told him,”Yes.I understand.My problem is that I do not know…….where to “set the dial to 5,because I have no clue where “5” is!”
He,the dating coach had no answer for me. The best way for one to learn is to ask questions.But,it is very frustrating when no one has any answers for want I want to learn.I would rather solve a problem than just whine about a problem.

When I worked part time at this hospital lab in Hawaii,I was interested in an X-ray Tech. When she told me that she was “busy”,I thought she meant about her schedule. I had no idea that she was talking about her already being in a relationship.(By being busy)
Why do some of us feel the need to talk to the opposite sex in codes?
I called her up. I was later informed by another co-worker, that she called the Honolulu Police Department (HPD) on me!

I called HPD to find out if this was true or not. The police officer said that this was true.
I told the police officer that I was in no way stalking her. I have no record of,nor have I ever been violent towards any woman. The officer said,
‘Well,just do not contact her anymore.” That was the end of that. I am just glad that there were no policemen at my front door,and that no one said,” BOOK HIM,……..DANNO!

There was another case,where a man was pursuing a woman.She,at first wanted nothing to do with him .But…..he kept on being persistent, persistent, and persistent. The lady’s name was Nancy. The pursuing, and tenacious man’s name was…. Ronald Reagan.

By the way ,when I pursue some Christian women, they run!

Today, as a mature Christian Man, I will put forth a certain degree of effort in establishing a new friendship with a Christian Woman that interests me...but I am no longer caught up in 'the chase to conquer' scenario . If after a couple of attempts to get to know a woman whom Im very sure is a devoted Christian , and it not going anywhere, then I will chalk it up to being Gods will that it didnt proceed further and the interest will go .

Once a friendship has begun, I am completely willing to put forth the effort to nurture the friendship to keep it vitally healthy ... but i do require a certain degree of reciprocating effort from the other person , and i dont think this is unreasonable to expect. I have been in friendships with the same and opposite sex, whereby i felt I was the One putting in much more effort to maintain it ; an unbalanced friendship to me is a sign of toxicity and id rather revert it back to just a simple acquintenceship in that case.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

ya, its easier said that done. Plus I'd not expect the woman to give a straight answer. So I don't think asking helps in general.

So I'd say flirt a lot and see who shows interest. Then seek to spend some time with them and see what the interest is for both yourself and her.

Well what he's been doing hasn't worked and he is always asking US why, so why not ask the source of his NO'S?
I personally would be as honest as I could.
That's one of the things I really wish we could have an inside look at. Like I would really like to know what someone thinks after meeting me, honestly without reservation. Like if they were in a room discussing it and had NO idea you were listening...yeah that's the insight I want.

 

[exitstageright]

Well what he's been doing hasn't worked and he is always asking US why, so why not ask the source of his NO'S?
I personally would be as honest as I could.
That's one of the things I really wish we could have an inside look at. Like I would really like to know what someone thinks after meeting me, honestly without reservation. Like if they were in a room discussing it and had NO idea you were listening...yeah that's the insight I want.

I hear ya! After I went to the company's Holiday Party,some of my co-workers asked me,"S....you are such a great guy.Why haven't you found you significant other yet? Why don't you ask some nice lady at your church out?"

Well,for one,the nice ladies at my church,who are around my age,are jaded and burnt out from dating. Two,I sometimes wonder if my co-workers really think that I am such a great guy. Do they think that something is wrong with me because I do not have anyone?

 

[dayhiker]

This is an interesting thing. At our age we know who we are. After all we have lived with our self for decades now. Yet we still feel we might be blind to something about our self because we see people around us that sure appear blind to things about them self. Most of the posters here that have been here quite a while now I feel I know pretty well. I think we know each other pretty well and I don't sense there are areas of our life we are blind to. But them we see each other pretty one dimensionally, thru the web.

The last 1.5 yrs I've spent a lot of time with the personal growth community. In the workshops we think about our own life a lot and see and hear others stories and quite often there is a time to give feed back. The feed back I have been getting has been lining up with what I know about my self. So I'm not getting any big revelations. I am thinking thru a few things and so I understand some topics in my life better than I did 2 yrs ago.

From the above, I think we all can be pretty sure that we know our self. So I'd say we can always think thru aspects of our life at a new level, but for the most part be confident that we know who we are.

Now if there is something that we want to change, there are places were we can go to learn those things. The church has some of that knowledge. But I find there are areas that the church isn't thinking about, but other groups are thinking about those topics. The trick can be finding those that have thought thru what we want to learn so we can learn from their experience.

 

[blackribbon]

I know most men HATE, HATE, HATE this terrible place they call the "friend zone"...but almost every man I have ever loved has been in my "friend zone" at some point because that is where I get to know them well enough to build the trust necessary to trust them with my vulnerable side..and realize that I like them enough to move it forward.

Exit...If someone says they aren't interested, believe her. It is safer that way. IF she turns you down twice with a vague explanation, assume she is not interested. Probably, even if she has a detailed explanation, I might just give her my number and email address (easier for a woman) with a charming smile and say, "I'm interested in you, if you do have time and are interested, it is your turn to give me a call." And then assume that you won't hear back.

 

[dayhiker]

I don't have a problem with being a friend with a woman. I do think its a matter of numbers quite often. We just have to meet enough members of the opposite sex to find one were we both really like each other and have a desire to spend time together. Some people say they know almost instantly if that desire will be there. If that is the case, then there is no use trying to create a desire when its been ruled out. Yet if they want to be friends I'd be friends and see if something did develop.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

yes dayhiker, I do agree with you that we should know ourselves pretty well at this stage of the game. The problem comes in with other people's perception of us, which may or may not be accurate.
I have met people, and in the beginning they might not get my sarcastic sense of humor, or they take me way more serious than they should. I'm not acting any different, but because they don't know me, their perception of me is inaccurate.
exit, from what I read here on the web, is a confident man, in regards to his work, and his knowledge of certain topics, his love for drama and the stage, and his football team . But HOW he is coming across to women he would like to pursue, IDK. He could unknowingly come across as cocky rather than confident, or arrogant rather than gracious and humble. I don't know him in person but he seems like a nice guy. But he could be putting out signals that he isn't even aware of that women are finding not worthy of getting to know him better.

Exit, I wonder, when you do those speed dating things, other than if someone picks you, do you get any other feedback? Because IMO, that's what you really need. Or maybe you need a dating coach like the millionaire matchmaker. I know you aren't a millionaire but maybe they have dating coaches for regular folk, IDK.
See I am curious like a cat, and if I had to do the asking out and was getting turned down or stood up all the time, I would be asking the person or people that turned me down why? Maybe some of them would not want to tell you the truth, but maybe there would be one that would.

 

[blackribbon]

I believe Exit is using a dating coach and that is part of the original post and question.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I believe Exit is using a dating coach and that is part of the original post and question.

I think he needs someone to secretly video him asking someone out several times and then they can accurately tell him what the issue is.

I suspect the issue is maybe he is choosing the wrong women sub consciously maybe IDK.

 

[dayhiker]

I think I can see both sides: exits and the ladies. It truly is the classic man totally missing how to treat a woman and women totally missing much of what exit is about.

Michelle and probably other ladies that have been here since exit arrived are probably now starting to know him and able to see past his way of talking. But I remember the sparks that few when he first arrived.

Dating coaches for men would probably be understood as supporting much of what exit is doing and saying. So I don't think that would help. I think he needs a female dating coach. I just can't see a male coach helping exit at all.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I think I can see both sides: exits and the ladies. It truly is the classic man totally missing how to treat a woman and women totally missing much of what exit is about.

Michelle and probably other ladies that have been here since exit arrived are probably now starting to know him and able to see past his way of talking. But I remember the sparks that few when he first arrived.

Dating coaches for men would probably be understood as supporting much of what exit is doing and saying. So I don't think that would help. I think he needs a female dating coach. I just can't see a male coach helping exit at all.

Exactly! And while I can "see" past his way of talking, it still unnerves me because to me, it sounds condescending like "here let me explain it to you because you aren't smart enough to know what I'm saying" and I know that's not how he means to come across, but with all his story telling to me it's a put off. sorry exit.

 

[mjmcmillan]

Late to the party, blind post, might as well have fun with this department:

I understand that as a man, I'm supposed to pursue women. This line is fraught with peril, not least of which is the accumulation of restraining orders.

Pursuit also suggests I should get a car that resembles a modern version of KITT. Those are a trifle hard to come by, but I suppose I could cobble together the roving lightbar on my van's hood if I really work at it. Not sure it's worth it though.

Noted that as per usual, Exit posted something and women aren't taking well to it. Hmmmm....

 

[exitstageright]

Exactly! And while I can "see" past his way of talking, it still unnerves me because to me, it sounds condescending like "here let me explain it to you because you aren't smart enough to know what I'm saying" and I know that's not how he means to come across, but with all his story telling to me it's a put off. sorry exit.

No,I am not ofended by you Michelle.Yes,I did have a female dating coach. After I told her that the smart women usually tell me or imply thatI am a nice guy,with so many wonderful qualities,but that they have no romantic feelings for me. My dating coach told me,"That is because you do not make them feel like a woman.Stop being so freakin nice! A woman wants a man,not a Teddy Bear!"

She also told me that,when a woman gives me an attitude,that I should not take any crap off of her.

I know and I believe in Matthew 7;12 which says:

Therefore all things whatsoever would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them" (Matthew 7:12, see also Luke 6:31). The common English phrasing is "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".


Now,I knew these verses since I was a child. But,I found out the hard way via experience. The fact is that Jesus did not say that this rule does not work when it comes to male and female relationships.. Well.....Jesus did say,Men.

Lord willing,in 58 more days,I will be on a Baby Boomers Cruise.I have no problem meeting and talking to women on cruises. My theory is that ,these women on these cruises paid good money and that they are going to have a great time,no matter what. However at home,women,in general,have thier minds occupied with the routine of their lives.

Smart women do not seem to want to hang out with me.They tell me all about the good things that they see in me. But,those good things do me no good,when ,on a cold night,when I want to snuggle up to and to cuddle with someone. The worse thing is that I have no problem,on a cold night, "cruising",and picking up some homeless woman,who would not mind spending a cold night inside with a warm man.

My single male friend,the 51 year old virgin,told me that if I want company,that I should get a big blanket and a dog.
Well,for one thing,I cannot have any pets in my apartment.
I wanted to tell him,and I am glad I did not tell him this.

"A blanket and a dog are not the real thing.They are subsitutes for a real woman.Of course I can understand it,because you have never had a real woman. Your right hand is a subsitute for a real woman!!" Because,..................you... just ....touch." (He told me that he wants to remain a virgin,until marriage,in order to please God. Yet he told me that he masturbates). Is he pleasing God by masturbating?
Which is worse,the "M" word,or the "F" word?