Bonding

[Assisi]

Thank you everyone for your great replies.

Lately a lot of people have been telling me 'as soon as you hold that little one in your arms for the first time...'etc. It's reassuring to hear that this isn't a universal experience.

 

[-~Truth_N_Trust~-]

With my first, my daughter, it was instant. I did have a loss, and a period of infertility before she was born, as well as a scare during pg, so it was just so precious to actually Have her here. The bonding was pretty instant, after the placenta was out. But it still takes a while to get used to the idea that you are a mum, I cuddled/fed her for a while straight after, but then I was ready for a shower! lol. And at 5am the next morning when she woke me up, I remember thinking 'oh yeah, I have a baby now'!

With my son it took a bit longer, I don't know if it was because he was a boy (I had no idea what to do with a boy!), or because I was away from him for a couple of hours after birth (complications), or because he was my second child. I really had to speak to him, call him by his name, pray over him while breastfeeding, make time for just the two of us, and the bonding came in nicely! I kept thinking of 'the baby' as a chore, get the baby settled so I can do x,y,z etc. I think the bonding took about a week, but it's also a constant, growing thing!

 

[lucypevensie]

With my daughter (first born) I bonded pretty quickly. With my son (second born) it was moths later until I felt bonded. I had been hoping for another girl and was convinced I'd have her, but when I heard "It's a boy!" I'm embarrassed to say my heart sunk a bit. He was a fussy baby and I was one depressed mom and life really stunk for a long time. BFing didn't exactly help either like so many people say it does. Having him in my constant care worked the opposite way than it should have - it didn't seem to draw us very close together. Things began to look up around the time that he showed signs of wanting to wean - around 7 months. I switched over to formula in a cup and life began to look beautiful again and I began to learn to like my little son. Now, 8 years later I think it was worth the wait

 

[heart of peace]

I was constantly questioned by hospital staff, my doctors, my midwife - even the pediatrician when he came to visit us at the hospital about how I'm feeling. They asked if I'm down or quiet, if I'm ok etc. For the follow up visits I continued to get questions. My midwife called home quite a bit.
I was speaking to a nurse in the East coast and she mentioned that California is slightly ahead in medical treatments - homeopathic treatments - natural alternatives than other states. It's interesting...

So, I gather you are in CA?

 

[angelsgirl]

To be honest I thought i would bond with my baby instantly... but it hasn't happened that way.
She's only 5 days old and sometimes i don't feel like she's mine.
There are times when i feel closer to her than others, but as a whole i don't feel really bonded with her yet.
Her father on the other hand bonded almost immediately. He is totally in love... so smitten it isn't funny.

 

[ShannonMcCatholic]

One of the absolute BEST ways to bond with your new baby- is to refuse induction and once born to refuse to allow them to take your baby away from you at all (unless of course there is a critical medical reason). Induction disallows the brain from making oxytocin- the primary "love" hormone-which prepares you to bond with your baby. Any pain medication will disrupt the flow and interaction of oxytocin and dopomine flowing from the brain--preparing your body to bond with baby. And in the animal kingdom with all other mammals, if a baby is born by c-section or is removed from the mother at all during those first days the mother does not recognise the child as her own. Routine separation of babies from their mommas is so, so detrimental. If baby needs to go to the nursery insist on going with, you are absolutely within your rights to refuse for baby to go anywhere in the hospital without you.

Please note that I am not saying the bonding cannot take place if someone is induced or has a non-labouring c-section or is separated from baby or needs the use of pain meds--....but those things significantly disrupt the flow of hormones which is specifically ordered toward facilitating bonding. If a woman knows that ahead of time-then she is able to make a more informed choice about her care, and to try to make preparations to compensate (maybe a LeBoyer bath or limiting visitors, or staying in for six weeks after birth to facilitate you babymoon, etc.)

Be on the look out for day 10 post partum which is a normal "low" point- when your hormones kind of bottom out. Things are often very hard right then- your body is struggling with lack of sleep, you are coming to terms with how exactly you are ever supposed to go to the bathroom or shower ever again, you are wondering how you will feed yourself--and also usually all of the fuss and excitement of visitors, etc. is waning and you are now left alone to care for baby...and all of this right at this critical change in your hormones (it's like your body swithching from pregnancy hormones to nursing hormones).

I dunno--I am not a natural mother, I don't really get all ooh ad ahhhh over babies--it;s why I absolutely must AP parent--that constant contact makes up for a lot of my deficiencies as a momma. Even in the hospital I sleep with baby in my bed and carry babe in a pouch (so that they will feel like it is a sort of womb away from the womb). I don't know that I ever got overwheling feelings of connection with any of my kiddos...but now and through their babyhood we've been very connected...LOL- still, though he is 15 month- if I go out in the evening I can usually know when my husband has put Andrew to bed- because my milk lets down...and I will know if he's been up cryong because my milk lets down.

 

[GolfingMom]

So, I gather you are in CA?

Yes

 

[Called2Grace]

I felt that I had bonded really well when I was pregnant, but it was a totally different experience when she was on the outside!

I had the initial rush of emotion when she was born, but it was a really weird feeling after I came out of recovery. (I had an emergency C-section, after a traumatic birth).

But the next few days were weird. I had little sleep, and had a weird feeling that although she belonged to me, it wasn't all that real.
I remember when they took her to the nursery over night so that I should get some sleep, I spent the entire time worrying about her.

So there was a type of bonding that was instant, but the love, that came from the day to day routine tasks. The nappy changing, the feeding, the time I just spent holding her or looking at her and watching what she was doing. Just being there and getting to know her as a person, talking to her and just being with her.

It is a major adjustment, and the birthing process can have a huge impact on how you relate to your little one.

But even if it isn't "instant" it will happen. We as mothers have enough to worry about with the expectations etc that we need to be gentle on ourselves when things don't go exactly the way we think it is supposed to.