Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD)

[inHisgripkim]

It's kind of a funny thing about OCD's. They take on characteristics of other kinds of disorders. I have BDD which is a form of OCD, but it also has PTSD behavior and a little self abuse to boot. Is there anyone out there who has been diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic Disorder? If you are interested about how my disorder manifests, I'll be happy to explain. It will be great therapy for me to talk (write) about it. Love to all.
InHisgripkim


Diary of rape survivor/The pearl. Go to my blog site.

 

[LilLamb219]

Could you provide a definition for BDD? That's not like cutting, is it?

 

[goldenviolet]

i am, it's part of my ED and post trauma from abuse. my father told me often i looked like a boy, and i was fat and ugly. i felt like i wieghed more than i did. i still can't look in full legth mirrors. i have to avoid looking at myself. but as long as i don't focus on it, i do great. it is difficult at times to feel comfy.

 

[inHisgripkim]

Could you provide a definition for BDD? That's not like cutting, is it?

BDD is Body Dysmorphic Disorder. It is similar to Anorexia. It's the preoccupation or obsession about the body or body part. In my case, I see a monster when I look into the mirror. The focus is the hair for whatever the reason and I start cutting it when the disorder is triggered. I can spend hours in the bathroom obsessing and cutting and obsessing and cutting. At times, I get the buzzers and buz my hair off to be done with the cutting. I have worn wigs for well over 10 years.

This disorder is born out of sexual assaults and abuse that I endured when I was younger. Was molested as a child, ganged in Jr. High, and recently raped using the date rape drug. Lot of mind battles.
Blessings to you. InHisgripkim.

 

[inHisgripkim]

i am, it's part of my ED and post trauma from abuse. my father told me often i looked like a boy, and i was fat and ugly. i felt like i wieghed more than i did. i still can't look in full legth mirrors. i have to avoid looking at myself. but as long as i don't focus on it, i do great. it is difficult at times to feel comfy.

Yes. My BDD is born out of sexual abuse. I, too, have to avoid looking into the mirror. If the BDD is triggered, I see myself as ugle and I end up cutting the hair. I have been wearing wigs for a long long time. Can't manage to get the hair to grow out because I end up cutting it off or buzzing it off. I try to look in the mirror as if I were looking at myself through the eyes of Jesus. I need to get a giant picture of jesus and put it on my mirror. Blessings upon blessings to you. Amen
InHisgripkim

 

[goldenviolet]

God bless you sweetheart

 

[Daysoni]

This is something that can be so damaging and crippiling. Most if anyone around me cannot understand it. They don't understand that I don't see what they see when I look at myself. I suffer from other things as well. It just seems that this and my ED are a daily battle. I look in the mirror and it's like the ones in the fun house. (My house of pain.) I am constantly pulling hair out of my head, and other places. Sometimes can't go out in public because I'm scared people will see what I see and point in disgust. This is just the begining.

 

[LilLamb219]

Wow That must be so difficult to live with! I'm really sorry you all have to endure this.

 

[inHisgripkim]

This is something that can be so damaging and crippiling. Most if anyone around me cannot understand it. They don't understand that I don't see what they see when I look at myself. I suffer from other things as well. It just seems that this and my ED are a daily battle. I look in the mirror and it's like the ones in the fun house. (My house of pain.) I am constantly pulling hair out of my head, and other places. Sometimes can't go out in public because I'm scared people will see what I see and point in disgust. This is just the begining.

I see you, I hear you, and I will give you a big hug.

Hi to you. Seems like you and I have similar symptoms and behaviors. When I was in high school, I binged. Then I went the reverse and starved. I got seriously thin. Then I started burning myself and hitting myself till I drew blood. Then I started focusing on the hair. That is the primary focus now. The burning and hitting has stopped. The binging has stopped, and the starving has stopped.

I just can't beat this hair cutting. Today, I went to work for the first time without a wig. It's been about three months since my last butcher job. My hair is still short but not so painfully short that I feel shame. me.

My question to you is simply are you seeing a therapist? I see one. Are you taking meds? I'm taking 80mgs of Celexa daily. It helps.

Have you found any techniques that keep you from acting out? What have you learned about your ED and self-hurt? I just figured that if we exchange experiences we can help each other.



For comic relief:
Sometimes when we are feeling pain nobody notices
Sometimes when we shed a tear nobody notices
Sometimes when we call out nobody notices

But fart just once. . . . . . . . . . . . !!!!!

 

[inHisgripkim]

i am, it's part of my ED and post trauma from abuse. my father told me often i looked like a boy, and i was fat and ugly. i felt like i wieghed more than i did. i still can't look in full legth mirrors. i have to avoid looking at myself. but as long as i don't focus on it, i do great. it is difficult at times to feel comfy.

I grew up thinking I was part boy. Probably because I was athletic. I worried about that alot. My father called us "stupid" when we were very young. Self esteem when I was young was nonexistent.

I asked Daysoni this and I will ask you too. I see a therapist and I take 80mgs celexa daily.

Are you seeing a therapist and are taking meds?

Thought the three of us could start exchanging info on what works, what we feel when we act out, what we think when we act out etc. The three of us in group forum therapy might be beneficial. Whatcha think
you silly "goil?"

 

[inHisgripkim]

i am, it's part of my ED and post trauma from abuse. my father told me often i looked like a boy, and i was fat and ugly. i felt like i wieghed more than i did. i still can't look in full legth mirrors. i have to avoid looking at myself. but as long as i don't focus on it, i do great. it is difficult at times to feel comfy.

Hi to you:

It sounds like you, Daysoni, and I have similar issues. I asked Daysoni if she was seeing a therapist and if she was taking meds. I see a therapist and take 80 mgs of Celexa daily. Love the Celexa.

Maybe you, Daysoni, and I can get a little group therapy going between the three of us. I do know from counseling that thoughts are triggers to painful feelings and the pain causes us to see ourselves in a negative light. I also know that my acting out is away of disassociating. In other words, I take the focus off what is really bothering me by cutting. I'm learning to deal with my issues better by turning or rather surrendering it to Jesus. I also have to talk myself down. Things like "you are in an episode and not seeing thing right. You are feeling pain or fear or ugly, but feelings are not fact." I literally have to tell myself to stop the nonsense and that I am okay.

What do you do to stop the episodes?

Love, Love, Love your way. Breathe.

Kim

 

[goldenviolet]

actualy daysoni and i know eachother ...
we hit it off then learned we live 2 hours from one another anyway. i'm not in therepy any more. i don't have insurance. i'd go back if i could. but i have enough therepy to help me get by. i just try not to focus on this piece of my life. i can't infact. i mean in my own life i try not to focus on this stuff, but on the stuff that keeps me in recovery. but i can't share. i can relate pieces of me. online just isn't comfortable for me to share stuff. thank you though. lovely blessings!

 

[Daysoni]

I see you, I hear you, and I will give you a big hug.

Hi to you. Seems like you and I have similar symptoms and behaviors. When I was in high school, I binged. Then I went the reverse and starved. I got seriously thin. Then I started burning myself and hitting myself till I drew blood. Then I started focusing on the hair. That is the primary focus now. The burning and hitting has stopped. The binging has stopped, and the starving has stopped.

I just can't beat this hair cutting. Today, I went to work for the first time without a wig. It's been about three months since my last butcher job. My hair is still short but not so painfully short that I feel shame. me.

My question to you is simply are you seeing a therapist? I see one. Are you taking meds? I'm taking 80mgs of Celexa daily. It helps.

Have you found any techniques that keep you from acting out? What have you learned about your ED and self-hurt? I just figured that if we exchange experiences we can help each other.



For comic relief:
Sometimes when we are feeling pain nobody notices
Sometimes when we shed a tear nobody notices
Sometimes when we call out nobody notices

But fart just once. . . . . . . . . . . . !!!!!

Inhisgripkim, Sorry it took so long for me to respond. I took some time away to deal with some of my stuff. I have beagn to see a great therapist. She rocks. Helps me mentally, physically, and spiritually. I have had to completely stop all med's. Because of some new diagnoses. She has been researching everything and I need to get the old med's out to start the new. Wich causes things to magnify. I know that I will make it through all of the bad and ugly. This week as been a little better. I will talk about what I can it's hard sometimes. And if you wanted to pm or chat that would be fine to. I want to quit mopeing and start coping. Others ideas could help.

 

[inHisgripkim]

actualy daysoni and i know eachother ...
we hit it off then learned we live 2 hours from one another anyway. i'm not in therepy any more. i don't have insurance. i'd go back if i could. but i have enough therepy to help me get by. i just try not to focus on this piece of my life. i can't infact. i mean in my own life i try not to focus on this stuff, but on the stuff that keeps me in recovery. but i can't share. i can relate pieces of me. online just isn't comfortable for me to share stuff. thank you though. lovely blessings!

Hi to you again:

I do understand. There was a time when talking about things was difficult for me too. I've been battling this BDD for so long. Like most battles, it is a rollercoaster until pieces start coming together. I guess we can call it our "piece" work. Much of the trauma in my past does n't bother me anymore and I can talk about it without it bothering me. Time has something do with this fact.I'm nearing 50. Argh! Details of what has happened to us isn't important. It's important to uderstand the process that leads us to act out. I think that for me, any kind of emotional pain is hard to sit with, regardless of what causes the pain. But the emotional discomfort is similar to that feeling that I experienced from my trauma. I never learned how to process heartache and pain properly because of the past. Pain was to great then. It's like when we get a headache. We can sit with that pain until it becomes worse. When the headache becomes unbearable we take an aspirin. Well, with the emotional pain, I go immediately to that aspirin even before the pain gets worse. I've learned to cope the wrong way. So I feel it's a matter of, maybe, finding a new and healthier way of coping with uncomfortable feelings. Lately, I have been doing alot of self talk to talk me through some rough moments. Things like: "Okay, Kim, we know what this is all about. This isn't anything new. So lets just calm down because it isn't as bad as you feel it to be. You don't want to cut. You know how lousy you feel when you do. So don't. Let's go do something that we like and feel good."

So, I usually will go to the 99 cent store and shop. I don't spend a whole lot of money when I go because it's the 99 cent store. But I buy little things for the house or for me and I feel good again. I even go to the thrift store and shop. I look for christian tapes and pretty blouse that comes to a grand total of maybe $3.00 and then I feel good.

It's just sometimes the behavior sneaks up on me before I can get ahold of it. Once the obsessing behavior starts it's pretty darn hard to stop it.

That's where I'm at now. I'm now trying to get out of the obsessing when it starts. Selftalk really is working for me. Talking to Jesus out loud also is working for me. I literally have to say out loud "okay Jesus, here it is agan. I'm putting you in the driver's seat because thats what you want me to do. I'm surrendering it all to you." But what ever will work, I need to do it consistantly until it becomes a natural reaction for coping - until it becomes habit. Once a habit, then it gets easier and easier.

Even just writing this helps get it clear in my head how I should approach the obsessing.

Peace, comfort, and joy to you my friend,
Kim

 

[inHisgripkim]

Inhisgripkim, Sorry it took so long for me to respond. I took some time away to deal with some of my stuff. I have beagn to see a great therapist. She rocks. Helps me mentally, physically, and spiritually. I have had to completely stop all med's. Because of some new diagnoses. She has been researching everything and I need to get the old med's out to start the new. Wich causes things to magnify. I know that I will make it through all of the bad and ugly. This week as been a little better. I will talk about what I can it's hard sometimes. And if you wanted to pm or chat that would be fine to. I want to quit mopeing and start coping. Others ideas could help.

Daysoni, good to hear from you.

I left a long message with Goldenviolet which is also intended for you. I really don't think it is necessary to talk about what our bad experiences were. Focus needs to be on understanding the mechanism that gets us to act out. I know that next time I start feeling bad and feel the urge to cut, I will go right to Jesus and say out loud, "Okay Jesus, I'm turning this all over to you because you understand it better. I'm putting you in the driver's seat with this one. I know I don't want to cut because it just makes me feel worse eventually. I know you don't want me too. So, I won't. I simply won't. I'm going to leave these icky feelings with you and I'm going to go do something I enjoy and I'm going to enjoy this 'day you made for me to glorify you'."

Blessings to you Daysoni. I'm feeling good right now and I hope you are too.

Glorifying Him,
Kim

 

[goldenviolet]

i love the dollar store
thank you for understanding. i worried about that. i love to support others. in this area it is a deffinate obstical on my thinking at times. but again, i won't dwell on it. i'm just so happy that God put it on Erwin's heart to give us the recovery forums we have. we fight things the norm of society doesn't understand. it's wonderful to come here and meet people like you. all of you.

 

[wackyjo]

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[Elijah123]

Hello everyone,

I was searching for some answers on google and found your website... My wife is going through a similar situation... She is getting very frustrated b/c she has been going through this for almost 20 years..

She cuts hear hair, to make it even and ends up cutting more and more... she spends a lot of time in the bathroom and will never let me in there when she is performing this ritual... I was wondering if anyone lives in the DC/VA/MD area and can suggest a good psychiatrist/therapist etc.... or tell me what worked best for you...

Thank you sooo much for your help!

Elijah

 

[Observer]

I have OCD and I tend to obsess over everything... I haven't officially been diagnosed with BDD but the first time I heard of it was when a psychologist told me about it because she believes I have it... then after reading more about it, I definitely had what people consider BDD. There were times where my body/face would change shape in front of the mirror, things that I always thought looked normal or even good about me would suddenly look horrific and deformed. Once my face, to me, looked like I'd had some kind of stroke and one side of it was drooping. Now I'm kind of in a... new stage when it comes to BDD because I'm quite comfortable with the way I look now, and things that I would see as shocking and looking like a monster just look like mild "flaws" that don't bother me much anymore. But, on the down side, I don't enjoy being more comfortable with my looks because my obsession switched to fear of getting extremely old and losing my looks etc. It can appear shallow to people who haven't been through this, but it eats at me and sometimes I cry all day because of the obsession and the thoughts and horrible feelings that come with it. I can understand how you feel because I know what it's like to have BDD attacks and be in a total panic and you can't believe what you're seeing in the mirror, you feel like all that exists is you and the mirror and that the rest of the world outside your room doesn't even exist because you're just so consumed with your reflection... it can be horrible.

 

[tryingtochange]

Hey. I have never been diagnosed with BDD but I have major issues with myself. I hated my body so my eating disorder took hold. I have issues with my nose too. Like when i talk to people, i always face them a certain way so my nose looks ok. During class, I usually cover my nose somehow. I do a lot of other things too.

What part of your body does your BDD pertain to?

Have a good week ok.