Blacklisting kindergarteners?

[akmom]

I am throwing a birthday party for my kindergartner at our house this year. Usually we have outdoor parties, but she was a winter baby and it's still very snowy here. So it's inside our house. I prefer to invite the whole class for my kids' first party, because they haven't really formed their "permanent" friends yet and I think it's a good way to meet the other parents.

I am a little concerned about a few of the kids. Two or three of them seem to have serious behavior problems at school, and I don't know if that could become a problem at the birthday party. I would prefer not to experience violent or destructive outbursts, but this is a frequent occurrence at school. I am kind of banking on not having any problems, because it's a party. It's all fun. They wouldn't have anything to protest, right? Then again, I can't predict their triggers. Perhaps an activity or another child will frustrate them. Who knows?

My husband thinks I should "blacklist all the brats" and not give them an invitation. I understand his perspective, but I also don't want to alienate any of the kids. They all seem to get along with my daughter, and I'm afraid that getting left out of a birthday party that the rest of the class got an invitation for will be a blow. I don't know. I've kind of been watching how the other parents handle it, but so far, all the big birthdays have been at public venues and all the home-based parties have been small and select. I thought that perhaps requiring the parents to stick around would help, but who knows what kind of families they come from. Maybe I don't want them around either.

Am I being paranoid? I just have visions of these kids getting into bloody brawls, or vandalizing the cake, or throwing things through the window. (Some of the outbursts I've seen in class aren't too far off.) I don't really want my house trashed, and I'd prefer not to have to discipline kids. But I suspect I'm overreacting and that these kinds of things don't typically happen. Any thoughts? Experiences?

 

[tansy]

I am throwing a birthday party for my kindergartner at our house this year. Usually we have outdoor parties, but she was a winter baby and it's still very snowy here. So it's inside our house. I prefer to invite the whole class for my kids' first party, because they haven't really formed their "permanent" friends yet and I think it's a good way to meet the other parents.

I am a little concerned about a few of the kids. Two or three of them seem to have serious behavior problems at school, and I don't know if that could become a problem at the birthday party. I would prefer not to experience violent or destructive outbursts, but this is a frequent occurrence at school. I am kind of banking on not having any problems, because it's a party. It's all fun. They wouldn't have anything to protest, right? Then again, I can't predict their triggers. Perhaps an activity or another child will frustrate them. Who knows?

My husband thinks I should "blacklist all the brats" and not give them an invitation. I understand his perspective, but I also don't want to alienate any of the kids. They all seem to get along with my daughter, and I'm afraid that getting left out of a birthday party that the rest of the class got an invitation for will be a blow. I don't know. I've kind of been watching how the other parents handle it, but so far, all the big birthdays have been at public venues and all the home-based parties have been small and select. I thought that perhaps requiring the parents to stick around would help, but who knows what kind of families they come from. Maybe I don't want them around either.

Am I being paranoid? I just have visions of these kids getting into bloody brawls, or vandalizing the cake, or throwing things through the window. (Some of the outbursts I've seen in class aren't too far off.) I don't really want my house trashed, and I'd prefer not to have to discipline kids. But I suspect I'm overreacting and that these kinds of things don't typically happen. Any thoughts? Experiences?

Well, if you have a big enough house, then perhaps you should invite the parents as well...at least then you yourself are not responsible for the kids. But really, myself, I would just invite a small group of children. Friendships can come and go anyhow at young ages. Perhaps just say to your child they they can have 4, 6 or whatever children round and let them choose which ones. You could still invite those parents around too. It's always handy at any rate to have at least one other adult around in case of emergencies or whatever.
Plus, if there are too many children you may not be able to supervise them properly...they can get out of eye and earshot and get doing risky/dangerous things in a blink of an eye practically.
Personally, I think it's getting ridiculous nowadays when everyone seems to feel obliged to invite absolutely everyone to things...must cost a fortune apart from anything else. But that's just me

 

[Darkhorse]

I would have one parent (or equivalent) accompany each potential "troublemaker", and not worry about the rest of the kids.

That may sound harsh, but it isn't intended to be. Even if everyone does everything "right", some kids can go ballistic unexpectedly, and having a responsible person there to deal with only that kid can minimize problems.

And if you have a dog, lock it up somewhere or take it elsewhere. Don't let the kids near it.

 

[Ada Lovelace]

- I hadn't realized this thread was in the Married section when I posted, so I'm editing and removing the content. Apologies.

 

[Pilgrim]

Invite all the classmates and be inclusive. Require a parent attend. Opt for public venue.

Keep it at a reasonable duration between 1-2 hours.

Long enough to serve cake and birthday niceties; and the parents to greet each other.

Have your husband on hand to exclusively watch over any potential trouble making brats.

God bless moms and dads providing moments for their children to remember.

 

[tansy]

Inviting the entire class is a customary etiquette for that age, and "blacklisting the brats" could have negative consequences not just for those children, but for yours. The parents of those kids might feel offended about the exclusion and retaliate by not inviting your daughter to their child's parties and special events. It would be virtually impossible for the kids who aren't invited and their parents to not eventually find out about the party, since you cannot expect kindergartners to have any discretion.

What my parents have done for kids' parties is set up a secondary area away from the center of activity with a DVD, snacks, and someone to supervise, to gently corral kids into it when they're causing a disruption. Even kids who are typically well-behaved can get overstimulated with sugar, sun, a disruption to their routine, and have an outburst. Some quiet, calm time with a popsicle can help them to cool down, and keep them from causing a disruption that will damper the happiness of others.

Ah, OK, I suppose it just was never customary in Britain . Some people do it nowadays, but certainly not all. I think it can put a strain on some parents who perhaps haven't so much money as others. It must be different where you live
People generally would just invite a few children and have some party food and games like 'pass the parcel' 'dead lions', 'musical chairs' or whatever with small prizes and maybe a little goody bag to take home. But times change, I guess.
My mother never even gave parties, but then she did have six children and wasn't always in the best of health. But my brothers and I were still invited to other childrens parties.

 

[WolfGate]

Invite them all. Ask all families to have one parent attend.

They're kindergarteners. If you're inviting most of the class you really need to invite all the class. There are all kinds of consequences your husband is not thinking of if you don't invite them - both to the kids you don't invite and to your reputation among the parents of your kid's classmates.

The other option would be to pick only a handful of classmates - but nowhere close to half at that point.

 

[Galatea]

I did not know I was posting in the married forum, so I have deleted my comments.

 

[DZoolander]

Meh, I have a kindergartner as well. We bribed her this year by saying "We can throw you a party, or you can have all of the money we'd have spent on the party and go on a shopping trip for yourself."

She chose the shopping trip...lol...thankfully. She ended up with like $350 to $400 after counting in other misc gifts from family/etc...and got quite a bit of stuff.

I think etiquette is to invite everyone. From what we've seen of the parties our daughter has been invited to, very few people actually show up. I think my daughter was the only one that showed up a the last one she was invited to...and the one before that maybe 3 kids showed up.

I highly doubt you're going to end up with bloody brawls. Most likely the crappy kids are going to be bullies, and so long as there's a parent there monitor everything along with yourself...you should be ok. Just correct behaviors as you see them arising.

That, combined with the odds that they won't even show up, you should be good I think.

 

[Ada Lovelace]

- I hadn't realized this thread was in the Married section when I posted, so I'm editing and removing the content. Apologies.

 

[Neal82]

It was customary when we lived in London in the mid-2000s, but that could have been due to the time and place. I went to a French school and attended the American Church in London, so perhaps it was a custom imported in rather than a traditional one in Britain. I just checked with my mom about it, and she said that the school there had the same guidelines for birthday parties as the preschools and primary schools my siblings and I went to in the US. It wasn't against the rules to exclude specific children from birthday parties the rest of their class was invited to, but it was against form. Parents were asked to be gracious and inclusive. Parents were at liberty to organize much smaller gatherings and events of just a handful of children - such as what you described - without needing to feel compelled to invite the entire class. That's markedly different than inviting the entire class, minus a few who've been "blacklisted."

I remember playing "pass the parcel" when I was little. Sometimes the simple games are the most fun.

We live in the UK. Inviting the whole class when the kids are that young is definitely the norm now. It was when I was growing up in the 80s, America too. I do think my generation was probably one of the first were this practice was more common. I have seen firsthand how excluding a kid or two can cause a lot of hurt feelings. More so for the parents once they find out than the kids usually. Now, I do agree with you too that it's fine to have a much smaller celebration. That takes the pressure off of having to invite the whole class. My daughter's friend is a really shy kid. She doesn't like big parties. The parents just had mine and two other little girls over for her birthday, and that was just fine.

Edit - I hadn't realised everyone couldn't post in this thread. I think you made good points in your posts.

 

[akmom]

I would have posted in the Parenting forum, but it never gets any responses. I figured a good portion of the Married Couples have raised children.

I priced out a few of the public venues, but they are just too far out of our budget right now. I planned on just serving snacks, making the cake myself, and having a few games and crafts for the kids to do. One of the birthday parties this year was at a public venue, but each parent just paid for their own child's attendance. I didn't mind, but it might be considered poor etiquette for a host. Most of the indoor places charge around $10, times 30 kids plus food... that can quickly become spendy.

A small party might be good for next year. This year, I don't know how many people will come. I don't want to invite 5 people and have 1 show up. For my older kids, I have a good idea of who comes and who doesn't. And for all my kids, the big whole-class birthday parties are kind of what got everyone acquainted. So I'd really like her to have one. I just... have serious concerns about a few. I mean, I help at the school quite a bit. I've dealt with all the kids before, and all kinds of incidents. But... it's not my responsibility at the school, so if things go sour, there's teachers and aides and other staff members to handle it. Perhaps the parents could take that role at the birthday party, but *some* parents don't, and I haven't met all the parents. (It's hard to have faith in the parents when their children are so challenging, but of course I do not know their stories.) I really don't want to offend anyone. Is there some clever, polite way of extending an invitation while implicitly discouraging attendance? (If all the troublesomes were boys, I'd have some "dress up as your favorite princess" theme, but that's not the case.)

 

[Poppyseed78]

I think you either have to invite the whole class or invite just a select few (like 5 or so kids). Excluding just a few kids could have negative consequences. Personally I wouldn't invite the whole class, but I never had big birthday parties as a kid, so the thought of hosting that many kids is extremely overwhelming to me.

 

[WomanOfGod116]

I understand what you're talking about. I was a nanny to 3 crazy boys. Personally I would invite everyone because because I wouldn't want to leave anyone with hurt feelings. I would suggest hiring a sitter maybe? Just a suggestion. Good luck and God bless =]

 

[mina]

Teacher of young children and parent (oldest is a toddler) here: The "nice" thing to do is to invite everyone. But you are certainly not obligated to do so. If you do plan to leave some out of the invite; then don't hand out invitations at school or do it discretely . It is hard on the children who are "left out" and can cause long standing social problems that leak into the classroom. Other kids can be mean about it so I just wouldn't do anything that would foster that in the classroom.

 

[Dave-W]

- I hadn't realized this thread was in the Married section when I posted, so I'm editing and removing the content. Apologies.

I did not know I was posting in the married forum, so I have deleted my comments.

Too bad. I did not get to see what Galatea said before she deleted it, but I did see Stanfordella's post.

And it was spot on.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

This is a hard question because everyone does things differently. In my case when I was a kid my mom asked me who I wanted to invite and she would invite anyone she seen I interacted with alot. But she wouldn't invite everyone in the class, sometimes its because the kids were mean. Other times its because the parents were mean. She did try to have at least one parent come though. If a kid did misbehave she would have the parent pick them up and they would go home.

 

[Paidiske]

There might be other ways to make it easier on yourself. Given the way you describe these children, I wonder if perhaps they're struggling with sensory overload? If so, one way to help them on the day might be to have a quiet corner somewhere, perhaps with a beanbag and some books and toys, and tell all of them that if they need a break from the noise and busy-ness of the party, they can go and sit there and take that break. This gives them a pressure valve before they get to the point of distress and disruption.

 

[lambkisses]

I would have posted in the Parenting forum, but it never gets any responses. I figured a good portion of the Married Couples have raised children.

I priced out a few of the public venues, but they are just too far out of our budget right now. I planned on just serving snacks, making the cake myself, and having a few games and crafts for the kids to do. One of the birthday parties this year was at a public venue, but each parent just paid for their own child's attendance. I didn't mind, but it might be considered poor etiquette for a host. Most of the indoor places charge around $10, times 30 kids plus food... that can quickly become spendy.

A small party might be good for next year. This year, I don't know how many people will come. I don't want to invite 5 people and have 1 show up. For my older kids, I have a good idea of who comes and who doesn't. And for all my kids, the big whole-class birthday parties are kind of what got everyone acquainted. So I'd really like her to have one. I just... have serious concerns about a few. I mean, I help at the school quite a bit. I've dealt with all the kids before, and all kinds of incidents. But... it's not my responsibility at the school, so if things go sour, there's teachers and aides and other staff members to handle it. Perhaps the parents could take that role at the birthday party, but *some* parents don't, and I haven't met all the parents. (It's hard to have faith in the parents when their children are so challenging, but of course I do not know their stories.) I really don't want to offend anyone. Is there some clever, polite way of extending an invitation while implicitly discouraging attendance? (If all the troublesomes were boys, I'd have some "dress up as your favorite princess" theme, but that's not the case.)

Party most likelyis over by now but this may help for next year. My husband and his cronies just recently threw a medieval times themed party for my nephew and we hosted 20 children plus parents and it was surprisingly inexpensive. Our biggest expense was food and even that wasn't too bad. He is how he addressed most of the issues you are concerned with.
1)behavior: since it was a medieval times theme we did it outside so kids could get a little more rowdy also we scheduled the party right after church so most of the parents were in attendance so it was for the most part everyone is responsible for their own kids, no different than at say a public park.
2)attendance : we did it right after church so I was able to physically wrangl the invited parents to follow me home
3)should I invite everyone: this is I guess a sign of the times the liberals are moving us towards universal inclusiveness. You are free to do so or not. Doing so increases your financial and babysitting burden not doing so has social (secular social ) consequences, pick your poison. Since our venue was our 10acre estate our only additional expense was food(more on that later ), and the parents were required to come we figured sure, the more the merrier.
4)venue: we did this at our house there was no head count cost. If you don't live on a10 acre property a lot of public parks have pavilions for rent.
5)food: since it was medieval times themed my husband roasted Cornish game hens in our largest smoker. This things cost next to nothing at Costco and he has a killer recipe that is quick, cheap , and reasonably good tasting(pm me if you want it). Smokers can be rented fairly cheaply and you can set and forget them while you do other things.
5)party favors:my husband had a whole table of craft items or so the kids could make their own crowns and other things.
6) entertainment : here is where you get creative. In our case my husband pitted his cronies against each other in "death matches" with training wespons. Then he proceeded to get intoxicated and challenge his 6 cronies to a 6 on 1 Kung Fu battle. Nothing was correographed or even rehearsed. It was much closer to MTV'S Jackass than dinner theater but the kids loved it (their kids bar for the theater has been set relatively low ).I am aware that not everyone is married to a Sei-Fu so mock ninja battles may not be an option for you, but you can still be creative. Something like a parent talent show maybe? Where you practically force the parents in front of gathered children and have them do something silly. When I was a little gitl I was at a party like this and it was a blast.i still remember it.
Again if any of this sounds interesting to you send me a pm and I can describe so the little extra embellishments we had to really make the party pop. Our total cost was about $500 that included everything though: food for about 60 people, decorations, prizes, and even an urgent care visit for some one who fell off a horse.

 

[akmom]

Thanks. It was quite awhile ago, so I forgot about this thread. About half the class showed up and there were no problems at all. Most of the "problem kids" showed up, but they were just fine at the party. Everyone had fun, the kids were so well-behaved and appreciative, I was very proud of them!

I must say, most people didn't RSVP until the morning of the party, and that made it a bit difficult to prepare the right amount of food and goody bags. Also, it's quite disappointing to think that no one is going to come. So I think I will be inclined to accept more invitations in the future, even though it's not usually what I feel like doing on a weekend! A lot of effort goes into throwing a party, just to have no one come. It didn't occur to me until I faced the possibility of no one attending my daughter's.

I went a party at a public park and there was a huge problem with uninvited guests helping themselves to the food. I felt so bad for the parents. Lots of people bring their kids to the park on a Saturday, and no one is prepared to feed the whole community! Definitely a risk when you can't rent a space or use private property.