Black Men

[Krysstian]

I am honest with myself but I realize I haven’t been lately. Majority of people who do not know me call me all kinds of mean names. I laugh and I really don’t take it seriously. Acting like a different person is my defense mechanism and it works pretty good. When I show people who I really am they ALWAYS try to take advantage of me and I really do not want to go through that anymore. The only time a stranger will get to know my heart is when God tells me to.

When I say I act different, I mean I am reserved more. I can have decent conversations but they only go so far. They can see a little bit of who I truly am but not all. They may catch a glimpse of my heart but that’s it. Its not to protect me from getting hurt because that’s impossible. I just play it smart. Sometimes I do act like a crazy person when I am really not interested in someone (not intentionally) or when I do like that person. Its kind of odd because I can meet people and I have a good vibe from them. Then I can meet others and get a bad vibe and its just makes me uncomfortable and my whole personality changes…badly lol.

I prayed about it and I try my best to not let that happen…but if its ugly I become ugly. When I get good vibes from people I just have them as friends but not close friends. Meaning I could care less if they leave tomorrow. I don’t really meet people who I love to talk to or I would love to meet. Most people I meet, it’s the same ol story and its nothing new. I am 21 years old and for me to be excited about a conversation I have to call my 78 year old uncle. It’s bad because people do not interest me when it comes to my personal or social life.

I haven’t been intimate with a man for over 30 months. I really cannot remember how long its been but its close to 3 years. I find it very pleasurable to not be involved with a man. For 16 years every black man I ever met disrespected me in some way. My brothers and a few of my male family members didn’t do anything. I will at least admit that. When you have 16 years of torment versus not one minute of heaven…its too hard to try to make myself believe that I am attracted to black men. I do not mean to stereotype but 16 years is a very long time. I cannot help it and I did everything I knew how to do. I try my best to love all people but when it comes to black men, my love is tainted. That is something God is going to have to help me on but I don’t know what else to do.

When I look at black men the first thing that comes to my mind is that they’re diseased. That they are all ugly and they automatically are going to disrespect someone. I know professional black men too but they are all in a different world. Its all about money, sex, power…and manipulation. The only time a black man can get any credit is when they have a lot of money or when they make themselves out of a fool. I can make a long list of men but I am not attracted to them. When I notice a black man is trying to talk to me, I really want to vomit. My stomach gets queasy and I get a head ache. I try to be polite with them but I guess the look on my face lets them know I am not interested. I want to say so much but I know people will get upset. I might be interested in someone mixed with black…maybe

Just so far I am no longer going to lie to myself. I love all my brothers and my babies. I know they will grow up to be good men. They were the main reason why I try to believe that I may find me a decent man to talk to. Which I can as long as he is not black…


Is this wrong?

 

[nb37]

I am sorry your experiences have been negative with black men. All men are not horrible and that includes black men. I pray that you allow God to lead you in your dating life, I pray that you allow Him to lead you in every area of your life. I pray for healing in your life and that you will forgive those who have hurt you. Take care

 

[Krysstian]

I did forgive them and I hope that all the men that hurt me forgave themselves too.

Just because I forgave them doesn’t mean that I have to be attracted to them. I know there are good men out there but I haven’t meet one yet. My brothers are good men but that’s how they are to me. I don’t necessarily like how they treat other women but that’s not my business. I know that not all black men are diseased or whatever…Its just when I am around them or when I talk to them...that’s how I feel.

 

[BeautyForAshes]

Is this wrong?

This is beyond wrong....and I suggest that you work this out in therapy (I don't mean that sarcastically, but seriously). Your reasons listed are beyond the superficial fluff that comes with dating..

Common sense should prevail and tell us that not EVERY (or even the majority) of a group of people are like whatever stereotype we have built up in our head. And when we can't work through the issues that have caused us to think that way, we should seek therapy. Its obvious from this post and others that there are some serious issues from the past that need to be worked through...perhaps even secret unforgiveness because unforgiveness and bitterness usually go hand in hand.

And for the record, I recommend this to ANYONE with your line of thinking - regardless if its about black women, white women, white men, etc.

 

[Solaris]

K, Your attitude is shared by many Black women.

 

[Gimpy]

ummm, Krysstian are you Black? Your attitude is shared by many Black women.

Good question.

 

[Gimpy]

Everyone has their preferences.

 

[Deliberatetourist]

This is beyond wrong....and I suggest that you work this out in therapy (I don't mean that sarcastically, but seriously). Your reasons listed are beyond the superficial fluff that comes with dating..

Common sense should prevail and tell us that not EVERY (or even the majority) of a group of people are like whatever stereotype we have built up in our head. And when we can't work through the issues that have caused us to think that way, we should seek therapy. Its obvious from this post and others that there are some serious issues from the past that need to be worked through...perhaps even secret unforgiveness because unforgiveness and bitterness usually go hand in hand.

And for the record, I recommend this to ANYONE with your line of thinking - regardless if its about black women, white women, white men, etc.

What's wrong about it? She simply has a preference based upon her negative experiences. Statistically speaking, and as alluded to by another poster regarding black womens' opinions, a black man that she pulls out of the mix, based upon heer own experiences and demographic profile data would be expected to meet the criteria of what she considers bad juju. I have the same bias with white, Western women. I am aware that all white, Western, 30ish women are not all brutish, militant feminist, frail, and patently unattractive, but due to my experiences it has soured me against them as it has the poster in question and therefore if I were to go looking for a compatible mate then the pool of white, western femmes would probably not be the first place I would start. Do I have some bitterness in that regard? Sure as does she and someday I might be able to put it behind me, but for now, under the current circumstances a white, Western woman would have to go better, stronger, and faster so to speak to turn my attentions.

 

[NewChildofGod]

I am 29 years old and for the past 15 years or so I have carried around hatred toward men in general! There were horrible male role models in my life as a child which made me think of ALL MEN to be HORRIBLE! One day I found out that all that hatred towards men was only ruining myself and keeping me from the blessings that God wanted to give me. I had to forgive the men of my childhood...actually I am still forgiving them because it is a process that takes a while to get rid of 15 years of hatred! Here is a great article that reminded me of some scriptures and great reasons why we should forgive:

Bitterness, Resentment and Unforgiveness by Joyce Meyer

Many people ruin their lives and their health by eating the poison of bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness. Matthew 18:23-35 tells us that, if we do not forgive people, we get turned over to the torturers. If you have a problem in this area or have ever had one, I am sure you bear witness with what I am saying. It is torture to have hateful thoughts rolling around inside of you toward another person.

Who Are You Helping When You Forgive?

Who are you helping the most when you forgive the person who hurt you? Actually, you are helping yourself more than the other person. I always looked at forgiving people who had hurt me as being a really hard thing to do. I thought it seemed so unfair for them to receive forgiveness when I had gotten hurt. I got pain, and they got free without having to pay for the pain they caused me. Now I realized that I am helping myself when I choose to forgive. I am helping the other person also by releasing them, so God can do what only He can do. If I am in the way, trying to get revenge or taking care of the situation myself instead of trusting and obeying God, He has no obligation to deal with that person. However, God will deal with the people who hurt us if we will put them in His hands through forgiveness. It is our seed of obedience to His Word; and once we have sown our seed, He will bring a harvest of blessing to us one way or another.

I am helping myself, because when I forgive I release God to work. I am happy when I am not full of the poison of unforgiveness. I feel better physically. Serious diseases can come as a result of the stress and pressure that bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness put on a person. Mark 11:22-26 clearly teaches us that unforgiveness hinders our faith from working. The Father cannot forgive our sins if we do not forgive other people (we reap what we sow). Sow mercy, and you will reap mercy; sow judgement, and you will reap judgement. Do yourself a favor and forgive.

There are still more benefits of forgiveness. When you are willing to forgive, your fellowship with God has a free flow. Unforgiveness blocks it. Paul said that we are to forgive in order to keep Satan from getting an advantage over us (11 Corinthians 2: 10-11). Ephesians 4:26-27 says that we are not to let the sun go down on our anger. Do not give the devil any such foothold or opportunity. Remember that the devil must have a foothold before he can get a stronghold. Be quick to forgive. Do not help the devil torture you. I also think it is hard to hate one person and love another. When we are full of wrong things, it is hard to treat anybody right. Even people you want to love may be suffering from your bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness.

How To Forgive

Like everything else, there are practical steps to forgiving people that must be taken if we are going to be successful at it. I asked the Lord why so many people seem to want to forgive and yet are not successful doing it. He said, "because they are not obeying what I tell them to do in the Word." As I searched the Word, I found the following instructions:

1. Decide. You will never forgive if you wait to feel like it. Choose to obey God and steadfastly resist the devil in his attempts to poison you again with bitter thoughts. Make a quality decision, and God will heal your wounded emotions in due time.

2. Depend. You cannot forgive without the power of the Holy Spirit. It is too hard to do on your own. If you are truly willing, God will enable you; but you are going to need to humble yourself and cry out to Him for help. In John 20:22-23, Jesus breathed on the disciples and said, "Receive the Holy Spirit. " His next instruction was about forgiving people. We certainly can use this as an example and ask Him to breathe on us that we might be able to forgive those who hurt us.

3. Obey. There are several things we are told do in the Word concerning forgiving our enemies.

a. Pray for your enemies and those who abuse and misuse you. Pray for their happiness and welfare (Luke 6:27-28 Amplified). As you pray, God may be able to give them revelation that will bring them out of deception. They may not even be aware they hurt you, or maybe they are aware but are so self-centered that they do not care. Either way, they need revelation.

b. Bless and do not curse them (Romans 12:14). In the Greek, to bless means "to speak well of" and to curse means "to speak evil of." You cannot forgive and gossip or be a talebearer. You must stop repeating the offense. You cannot get over it and also continue to talk about it. Proverbs 17:9 says that he who seeks to cover an offense seeks love.

Who Should Forgive?

Forgive the person from long ago who hurt you very badly and also the person whom you did not know in the grocery store, for stepping on your toe. Take those two extremes and forgive them in addition to everyone in between. Forgive quickly. The quicker you do it, the easier it is. Forgive freely. Matthew 10:8 says freely you have received, freely give. Forgiveness means to excuse a fault, absolve from payment, pardon, send away, cancel, and bestow favor unconditionally.

When you forgive, you must cancel the debt. Do not spend your life paying and collecting debts. Hebrews 10:30 says that vengeance belongs to the Lord; He will repay and settle the cases of His people. Let God pay you for past injustices; do not try to collect from the people who hurt you, because the people who hurt you cannot pay you. Matthew 18:25 says ..."he could not pay".

Also forgive yourself for past sins and for hurts you have caused others. You cannot pay people back, so ask God to.

Forgive God if you are angry at Him because your life did not turn out the way you thought it should. God is always just. There may be things you do not understand; but God loves you, and people make a serious mistake if they will not receive help from the only One who can truly help.

You may even need to forgive an object—the post office, bank, a certain store you feel cheated you, a car that always gave you trouble, etc. Get rid of all poison that comes from bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness; and remember Proverbs 4:23 (Amplified), "Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance...for out of it flow the springs of life."

Unforgiveness is spiritual filthiness; get washed in the water of the Word and stay clean. God bless you!
​

 

[psalms66]

I"m wondering what's wrong too. I mean, obviously there is pain there - maybe it's not delt with, maybe she hasn't faced it or whatever, I don't know from just this one post. But to say it's wrong not be attracted to men of color is well... WRONG. It's a preference. And why does it make any difference if she's balck, white, red or purple?

I have always been attracted to men of color/different ethnicities. White guys generally don't do it for me. That doesn't mean it's WRONG or I"m stereotyping. I just don't get that.

Now, as for not wanting to have conversations with people, being isolated, not being able to be yourself. That might warrant some therapy. lol

Cheers.

 

[BeautyForAshes]

Ok, I was going to stay away from this forum, but let me say this - coddling prejudice behind the term "preference" is enabling and close minded. What makes her post "wrong" so to speak (a question that she is asking) is the reasons WHY she feels this way.

When I look at black men the first thing that comes to my mind is that they’re diseased. That they are all ugly and they automatically are going to disrespect someone.

This deals with a whole lot more than just a simple preference for blond hair over brown hair. This kind of mindset isn't healthy. If you are looking at a particular group of people in this kind of manner, then yes, some form of help should be sought out.

Great post btw NewChildofGod!

 

[klovesgod]

I am also a black woman and let me just tell you. I have dated all colors...i mean all.
All of the men were bad no matter the color..lol.
But what I never did date was a godly man. The last guy I dated was white, and my ex husband was black. Both men were not godly and both disrespected me.
So maybe you should look past color and see the heart.
I have also had bad experiences growing up...but just like I know I am a good person I know there are good godly men out there too.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

As a general rule: anytime that you find that an "always" statement is true in your life (I.E. "all black men treat me like crap", or "all white women are idiots", or "all men are liars and pigs"), you need therapy, because you are subconsciously drawing yourself to these people somehow. Therapy shows you how you are doing that, so you can fix the problem.

 

[hockeysistah12]

No, she does not need a theapist. She needs to go before God and seek forgiveness and healing. Christians go into theaphy is a cop out because the root problem is sin which is unforgiveness.

With that said, there is good and bad in every race, whether it is black, white or alien. Everyone has their own faults and yes, all races do commit sin. I dated a man who was white, and was hurt, but guess what? I forgave him because he had issues--and a lot of them in the church.

And yes, I would date anyone, whether he is black, white or whatever, but as long as he is a committed christian and accountable to our brothers and sisters in the Lord, that is all that's matters.

I just hope my sister, you seek forgiveness and repentance.

 

[PassionateOne]

As a general rule: anytime that you find that an "always" statement is true in your life (I.E. "all black men treat me like crap", or "all white women are idiots", or "all men are liars and pigs"), you need therapy, because you are subconsciously drawing yourself to these people somehow. Therapy shows you how you are doing that, so you can fix the problem.

I completely, 100% agree!!! The OP makes me feel really sad that this person has been soooo hurt in her life.

 

[Gimpy]

I am also a black woman and let me just tell you. I have dated all colors...i mean all.
All of the men were bad no matter the color..lol.
But what I never did date was a godly man. The last guy I dated was white, and my ex husband was black. Both men were not godly and both disrespected me.
So maybe you should look past color and see the heart.
I have also had bad experiences growing up...but just like I know I am a good person I know there are good godly men out there too.

I agree. I know very few men who are actually Godly men. There are a lot of them who do a lot of professing but when it comes down to actual life, we got a whole different story.
From what I have seen, though is that most women are the same way. That is the only explaination. I believe many women pick those who do a lot of professing and less living as men of God, because there is not so much pressure to actually live up to one's word.
I have know men and women who actually teach classes at church and attend church all the time and yet live as though they have never even heard of God.

 

[Gimpy]

As a general rule: anytime that you find that an "always" statement is true in your life (I.E. "all black men treat me like crap", or "all white women are idiots", or "all men are liars and pigs"), you need therapy, because you are subconsciously drawing yourself to these people somehow. Therapy shows you how you are doing that, so you can fix the problem.

All a person can really live by is their own experiences. I do agree though, she is probably attracted to the wrong people for some reason.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

All a person can really live by is their own experiences.

Why do you think I've posted the general rule? I live by this myself, in cases where I consistantly have bad experiences that seem illogical to me. It's always something that I can fix.

 

[Deliberatetourist]

I agree. I know very few men who are actually Godly men.

As I know few women who are actually Godly women. Honestly everyone is getting their underwear tied up in knots for a bunch of politically correct nonsense. We all have vcertain types of people we would or would not date and for various reasons. I honestly would not date any African American women because most of the African American women I knew when I lived in the states were overweight and unattractive. Skin color has nothing to do with it as I have met many native african women who were quite attractive. People are jumping all over this issue and as far as I am concerned it is hogwash. We are judging her while hiding the fact that there are certain people that we would never date under any circumstances for a number of reasons. Does she have issues? Probably, but don't we all?

 

[Solaris]

How dare you tell her that her hurt feelings are wrong.
They are her HONEST feelings about the subject based on abuse she has received since she was five years old.
The OPster has had years of sampling. From her data she has reached her conclusions and developed her response.
Did you not notice that this 21 year old woman mentioned her babies? Those guys may be worse than mere jerks...

Definition of insanity - doing the same thing again and again expecting a different result.

Hate, however, is a soul sickness.
But the op is about revulsion not hate.