My life began when my father got my mother pregnant when she was sixteen. At the time, my father did cocaine and was often in trouble with the law. Before the two got divorced when I was approximately two, my father tried to kill my mother by pulling a gun to her head. He didnt pull the trigger.
After the divorce, during later years, I would regularly visit him each year during Christmas. As a child, I desperately sought his acceptance even though I was often very scared of him. I never received it. Instead, he would condemn me all the time for what seemed to be every mistake I made in front of him. He once whipped me with a dog leash because I lost a black comb he gave me. After that moment and during many others around him, I felt shame, depression and guilt for what he considered as my wrongdoings. To avoid future situations like this, I started to focus heavily in everything I did or said as I tried to be perfect around him. Obsessive-compulsive behaviors became present as the fear of future rejection and mistreatment consumed me.
I lived with my grandparents after my parents separated. I could not ask for any more loving folks than them. However, when I was real young, I spent time staying with my mother and her second husband. He was also condemning and abusive. He locked me into a closet until I cried for help. In order to avoid punishment and to find acceptance, my OCD continued to grow as I became more obsessive about being perfect and around him. I was becoming more and more afraid to be myself in fear of getting hurt. I started to hate myself.
My next stepfather was also bad to me. He hurt me emotionally by the cruel things he did and said to me. He would play mind games with me. One time he asked me what television program I wanted to watch. He then turned to another channel after I gave him my request. He would wake me up in the morning by throwing cold water on me. He made me eat cereal after he dumped pepper in it. He put ice on my male organs and told me he would hit me if I moved. This caused me to be more obsessive in everything I did around him.
I started to obsess the way I went to bathroom, took showers, watched TV, how I walked, how and how much I ate and drank, how I thought, to name a few. I did this because I was afraid of making a mistake and being punished and feeling ashamed and guilty. Again, I was becoming more and more afraid of being myself in fear of getting hurt. When I helped him to do work, I was so scared of making a mistake that my mind would race causing problems in focusing and concentrating on what I was doing. Again I would also constantly be evaluating and reevaluating every action I did. His anger of my mistakes scared me, making me more fearful and distrustful of what I did next. Fear of pain soon led me to count the minutes of each day, hoping it would end soon. However, through all of these and other struggles, God never did let go of me. He was there protecting me and giving me the strength and courage that I needed.
I moved back and forth from my grandparents and then to my mother and stepfathers during my childhood and early adulthood. One night, when I was about sixteen, when living with my grandparents, I was again experiencing depression after being rejected by a girl that I asked to go out on a date with. After she said no, my emotions exploded as I began to cry heavily inside. In frustration, I punched a hole in the ceiling of my room. I then slammed the dresser down on the floor. My grandfather heard the noise and came up and tried to settle me down. Unfortunately, he only escalated the situation.
In order to maintain order, they went to call my stepfather at home for assistance. They did no wrong as they didnt know then of the abuse. I freaked out and tore the telephone off the wall. A verbal argument escalated. My grandmother came after me with a stick in an attempt to regain order. Unfortunately, she tripped over my foot and fell down on the ground. Her nose started bleeding. After much commotion, I moved to my stepfathers house that night.
March 15, 1990 was one of the turning points in my life. This was the day I got kicked out of school when I was in tenth grade. On that day, I impulsively made a sexual comment in an attempt to receive attention from other classmates. The teacher started walking to the principal who was about to call my stepfather for assistance. Fear of getting hurt at home caused me to panic as my thoughts began to race as I approached the female teacher who was walking away from me. I didnt realize what I was doing as I put my arms around her shoulder in order to stop her from finding the principal. I meant no harm as I wanted to tell her Dont tell my stepfather!. But my racing was racing so much that I was unable to say anything. Meanwhile, the principal saw the situation and separated me from the teacher. He then kicked me out of school for attempting to choke a teacher. Again, I felt shame as I was punished for doing something I didnt mean to do.
Even though, I spent an entire month in a psychiatric hospital, this situation influenced my stepfather to view me more like a son and became a starting point toward improved relations and behaviors toward me. Today, religion, anger control medicine, and possible regrets of his actions have gradually molded him into a person I sometimes like to be around. This change did not become evident until a few years ago. Even though people start bad, it doesnt mean they have to remain that way.
At eighteen, I joined the United States Navy in hopes of becoming a nuclear technician. I decided to do this because I wanted to prove to others and to myself that I could be successful in life by completing the most difficult and most prestigious job in the Navy. I wanted to rid myself of the shame I felt as being viewed as a failure. Unfortunately, I was unsuccessful in my pursuits. People there didnt understand my unknown disability and viewed me as a screw-up. Again, fear of failure, rejection, and shame caused by obsessions and emotions to go berserk. I put so much pressure on myself to succeed that I started to physically, emotionally, and mentally wear out amidst the pressures of the military. The net result is that I only lasted a month, being unsuccessful to achieve that dream.
A few months later, I was enrolled into the Navys machinist mate school. After many struggles, I initially did well. However, again, the fear of failure and shame put undue stress upon me into an already stressful environment. Again, I experienced many moments of mania and depression. One day, I got so scared and so weak that I sought my petty officer instructor for counsel. When I encountered him, I tried to talk to him as I was leaning my shoulders against the wall. After he reprimanded for doing that, my weary body accidentally did it again. Petty Officer 1st class Davis then charged me for insubordination and sent me to a senior chief for questioning. I told him I didnt mean to commit the transgression. He then accused me of lying to him as he threatened to send me to captains mast for punishment, which is a serious matter for a sailor. I was then chewed out by petty officer 1st class Konkol, who berated me as he told me that I was worthless and the type to get someone killed. Shame, pain, frustration, and mania ran wild in me as it reminded me of the previous experiences where I was condemned and rebuked by my past father figures for past wrongdoings. As Konkol finished chewing me out, I felt so much pain that I was about to emotionally explode.
Once alone, I went to the bathroom to privately release my emotions. Pain led me to say the words Im going to kill that person; frustrations directed toward by previous abusers who rejected me. Unfortunately, an officer who was walking by heard me say those words. As a result, I was charged by the military for threatening to kill an officer.
Continue on Bipolar / OCD / Abuse / Poor Self-Esteem Testimony, Part 2
After the divorce, during later years, I would regularly visit him each year during Christmas. As a child, I desperately sought his acceptance even though I was often very scared of him. I never received it. Instead, he would condemn me all the time for what seemed to be every mistake I made in front of him. He once whipped me with a dog leash because I lost a black comb he gave me. After that moment and during many others around him, I felt shame, depression and guilt for what he considered as my wrongdoings. To avoid future situations like this, I started to focus heavily in everything I did or said as I tried to be perfect around him. Obsessive-compulsive behaviors became present as the fear of future rejection and mistreatment consumed me.
I lived with my grandparents after my parents separated. I could not ask for any more loving folks than them. However, when I was real young, I spent time staying with my mother and her second husband. He was also condemning and abusive. He locked me into a closet until I cried for help. In order to avoid punishment and to find acceptance, my OCD continued to grow as I became more obsessive about being perfect and around him. I was becoming more and more afraid to be myself in fear of getting hurt. I started to hate myself.
My next stepfather was also bad to me. He hurt me emotionally by the cruel things he did and said to me. He would play mind games with me. One time he asked me what television program I wanted to watch. He then turned to another channel after I gave him my request. He would wake me up in the morning by throwing cold water on me. He made me eat cereal after he dumped pepper in it. He put ice on my male organs and told me he would hit me if I moved. This caused me to be more obsessive in everything I did around him.
I started to obsess the way I went to bathroom, took showers, watched TV, how I walked, how and how much I ate and drank, how I thought, to name a few. I did this because I was afraid of making a mistake and being punished and feeling ashamed and guilty. Again, I was becoming more and more afraid of being myself in fear of getting hurt. When I helped him to do work, I was so scared of making a mistake that my mind would race causing problems in focusing and concentrating on what I was doing. Again I would also constantly be evaluating and reevaluating every action I did. His anger of my mistakes scared me, making me more fearful and distrustful of what I did next. Fear of pain soon led me to count the minutes of each day, hoping it would end soon. However, through all of these and other struggles, God never did let go of me. He was there protecting me and giving me the strength and courage that I needed.
I moved back and forth from my grandparents and then to my mother and stepfathers during my childhood and early adulthood. One night, when I was about sixteen, when living with my grandparents, I was again experiencing depression after being rejected by a girl that I asked to go out on a date with. After she said no, my emotions exploded as I began to cry heavily inside. In frustration, I punched a hole in the ceiling of my room. I then slammed the dresser down on the floor. My grandfather heard the noise and came up and tried to settle me down. Unfortunately, he only escalated the situation.
In order to maintain order, they went to call my stepfather at home for assistance. They did no wrong as they didnt know then of the abuse. I freaked out and tore the telephone off the wall. A verbal argument escalated. My grandmother came after me with a stick in an attempt to regain order. Unfortunately, she tripped over my foot and fell down on the ground. Her nose started bleeding. After much commotion, I moved to my stepfathers house that night.
March 15, 1990 was one of the turning points in my life. This was the day I got kicked out of school when I was in tenth grade. On that day, I impulsively made a sexual comment in an attempt to receive attention from other classmates. The teacher started walking to the principal who was about to call my stepfather for assistance. Fear of getting hurt at home caused me to panic as my thoughts began to race as I approached the female teacher who was walking away from me. I didnt realize what I was doing as I put my arms around her shoulder in order to stop her from finding the principal. I meant no harm as I wanted to tell her Dont tell my stepfather!. But my racing was racing so much that I was unable to say anything. Meanwhile, the principal saw the situation and separated me from the teacher. He then kicked me out of school for attempting to choke a teacher. Again, I felt shame as I was punished for doing something I didnt mean to do.
Even though, I spent an entire month in a psychiatric hospital, this situation influenced my stepfather to view me more like a son and became a starting point toward improved relations and behaviors toward me. Today, religion, anger control medicine, and possible regrets of his actions have gradually molded him into a person I sometimes like to be around. This change did not become evident until a few years ago. Even though people start bad, it doesnt mean they have to remain that way.
At eighteen, I joined the United States Navy in hopes of becoming a nuclear technician. I decided to do this because I wanted to prove to others and to myself that I could be successful in life by completing the most difficult and most prestigious job in the Navy. I wanted to rid myself of the shame I felt as being viewed as a failure. Unfortunately, I was unsuccessful in my pursuits. People there didnt understand my unknown disability and viewed me as a screw-up. Again, fear of failure, rejection, and shame caused by obsessions and emotions to go berserk. I put so much pressure on myself to succeed that I started to physically, emotionally, and mentally wear out amidst the pressures of the military. The net result is that I only lasted a month, being unsuccessful to achieve that dream.
A few months later, I was enrolled into the Navys machinist mate school. After many struggles, I initially did well. However, again, the fear of failure and shame put undue stress upon me into an already stressful environment. Again, I experienced many moments of mania and depression. One day, I got so scared and so weak that I sought my petty officer instructor for counsel. When I encountered him, I tried to talk to him as I was leaning my shoulders against the wall. After he reprimanded for doing that, my weary body accidentally did it again. Petty Officer 1st class Davis then charged me for insubordination and sent me to a senior chief for questioning. I told him I didnt mean to commit the transgression. He then accused me of lying to him as he threatened to send me to captains mast for punishment, which is a serious matter for a sailor. I was then chewed out by petty officer 1st class Konkol, who berated me as he told me that I was worthless and the type to get someone killed. Shame, pain, frustration, and mania ran wild in me as it reminded me of the previous experiences where I was condemned and rebuked by my past father figures for past wrongdoings. As Konkol finished chewing me out, I felt so much pain that I was about to emotionally explode.
Once alone, I went to the bathroom to privately release my emotions. Pain led me to say the words Im going to kill that person; frustrations directed toward by previous abusers who rejected me. Unfortunately, an officer who was walking by heard me say those words. As a result, I was charged by the military for threatening to kill an officer.
Continue on Bipolar / OCD / Abuse / Poor Self-Esteem Testimony, Part 2
