This is the conclusion of Bipolar / OCD / Abuse / Poor Self Esteem Testimony, Part 1. To make sense of this part, you will need to read first part 1.
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I left the military free from the law with an honorable discharge after making a deal with the Navy. However, the shame, guilt, and frustration of being again rejected for making a mistake I didnt intend to commit hurt me considerably. This worsened my obsession of making a mistake a mistake and being condemned for doing so. However, God never did let go of me.
After the military, I went to the workforce but got fired repeatedly as both my mania and my obsessions of shame and failure overcame me. I went to college in hopes of again finding a prestigious job that would prove my self-worth. Similar to the Navy, my obsessions and unstable moods created much difficulty in my attempts to completing college. Again, it was a constant battle of having the confidence and sheer will to succeed, even when past experiences and an overwhelming disability strongly suggested otherwise.
Each semester was an enormous struggle, but in the end I made it through college. I would not have done it without the grace and power of God. Initially, students who didnt understand me made fun of me, while one teacher told me he didnt want me to take anymore classes from him. Another instructor asked the head of the university to have me removed from the college. Life and studying became much more difficult to handle because of this. However, God never did let go of me.
One night I got so depressed from the struggles of life that I was tempted to kill myself as I was driving home from school. Fortunately, during my contemplation, a song suddenly played on the radio that inspired me. I felt God telling me: Dont be afraid. Just trust me.
During my senior year, I met a teacher who showed a greater than average interest in me. He saw my struggles in school and realized that something was not right with me. He directed me to the school counselor who led me to see a psychiatrist for help. The doctor later diagnosed me with bipolar disorder.
The medications the physician gave me was initially ineffective; in fact, it was making me worse. I was getting sick as I struggled to overcome my obsessions of failing and not getting good grades. The teacher who once wanted me out of their presence was soon encouraging me to fight the good fight. Some students began to do the same. They were all supportive of me even though they didnt really understand what was happening to me.
Soon the doctor got the medicine regulated properly. My mood and behaviors improved dramatically. I was making and keeping friends much more easily. In December of 1998, I graduated with a Bachelors degree in Business Administration with a 3.48 grade point average. I also made the National Deans List twice while attending the university.
A few years later, I was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder. After some bumps in the road, my medicines is currently working great as I am currently maintaining a computer-related job that requires me not to be obsessive-compulsive in order to be successful. From 2004 to 2006, I participated in a paid government volunteer program as a coordinator for a program that built community interpersonal relationships and help people to realize their self-worth by having people use their talents to help one another. Now I write Christian articles, produce Christ-based you tube videos, and for our churchs youth pastor, PowerPoint presentations. In addition, I am also studying online, Christian counseling, in hopes of paying it forward in transforming the lives of the brokenhearted, just like how my college instructor once did to me.
For some time, I based my self worth upon my performance and in the opinions of others. Today I realize it is solely determined by how God - my Heavenly Father feels about me. He loves me unconditionally. He is not the father figure that used to condemn, reject, and abuse me, but instead the one that will never leave me or forsake me. I dont have to be perfect to receive His love. He loves me for who I am. And He does the same for you!
To live with fear and not be afraid is the final test of maturity (Edward Weeks). For the vast majority of my life, I used to view myself as a little child trying to survive in a merciless, overpowering world a world that reminded me of my previous abusers. The fear of again reliving the emotions of pain, guilt, suffering, and shame that I did during my abusive childhood would cause my mind to be bombarded by obsessions that would tyrannize my heart and soul. When around people that I feared condemnation and rejection from, I would be afraid of doing something both tremendously and repulsively wrong that would cause them to despise me, similar to how my father and previous stepfathers seem to have done to me before. These obsessions were both provoking and persistent in nature as they made me feel insecure in starting new relationships.
Today, I feel at ease as I now effortlessly build strong healthy relationships with seemingly almost everyone I meet. I sometimes still face scary obsessions, but with my Heavenly Fathers help, I know I will be victorious in the end. "With man, this is impossible, but with God, all things are possible."
Everyday we face a battle in our minds for supremacy: - between the hopes and dreams of a better life and a better world that we envision of; and the fears and pains that attempt to prevent that vision from happening. Our success rate in reaching the top of the mountain is determined by what combatant usually wins the war. Victory occurs when hope overpowers fear.
God has prepared for each of us a better life a land of freedom that is there awaiting for both you and me. We must daily not let fear prevent us from believing in, and eventually, reaching that dream. We cannot behave like the Isrealites, who found the land of Canaan but was too afraid to claim it because of fear. (Numbers 13)
Focus on where you want to go, not on what you fear. (Anthony Robbins) When I am afraid, I must trust God and His promises. Through God, I can do all things, can overcome any obstacle, can find acceptance and forgiveness amidst any mistake, can find peace from any burden, and can find success the way God intended it to be. Cast away your burdens to Him and let God do what is best for you. The only way to trust Him is to know Him, which requires developing a love relationship with Him.
Again, freedom is out there if we only have the faith to grasp it! If we realize God is in control, we will see the light in the darkest night. History is full of people who found freedom through Christ amidst their greatest fears. I have found it and so can you!
...
I left the military free from the law with an honorable discharge after making a deal with the Navy. However, the shame, guilt, and frustration of being again rejected for making a mistake I didnt intend to commit hurt me considerably. This worsened my obsession of making a mistake a mistake and being condemned for doing so. However, God never did let go of me.
After the military, I went to the workforce but got fired repeatedly as both my mania and my obsessions of shame and failure overcame me. I went to college in hopes of again finding a prestigious job that would prove my self-worth. Similar to the Navy, my obsessions and unstable moods created much difficulty in my attempts to completing college. Again, it was a constant battle of having the confidence and sheer will to succeed, even when past experiences and an overwhelming disability strongly suggested otherwise.
Each semester was an enormous struggle, but in the end I made it through college. I would not have done it without the grace and power of God. Initially, students who didnt understand me made fun of me, while one teacher told me he didnt want me to take anymore classes from him. Another instructor asked the head of the university to have me removed from the college. Life and studying became much more difficult to handle because of this. However, God never did let go of me.
One night I got so depressed from the struggles of life that I was tempted to kill myself as I was driving home from school. Fortunately, during my contemplation, a song suddenly played on the radio that inspired me. I felt God telling me: Dont be afraid. Just trust me.
During my senior year, I met a teacher who showed a greater than average interest in me. He saw my struggles in school and realized that something was not right with me. He directed me to the school counselor who led me to see a psychiatrist for help. The doctor later diagnosed me with bipolar disorder.
The medications the physician gave me was initially ineffective; in fact, it was making me worse. I was getting sick as I struggled to overcome my obsessions of failing and not getting good grades. The teacher who once wanted me out of their presence was soon encouraging me to fight the good fight. Some students began to do the same. They were all supportive of me even though they didnt really understand what was happening to me.
Soon the doctor got the medicine regulated properly. My mood and behaviors improved dramatically. I was making and keeping friends much more easily. In December of 1998, I graduated with a Bachelors degree in Business Administration with a 3.48 grade point average. I also made the National Deans List twice while attending the university.
A few years later, I was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder. After some bumps in the road, my medicines is currently working great as I am currently maintaining a computer-related job that requires me not to be obsessive-compulsive in order to be successful. From 2004 to 2006, I participated in a paid government volunteer program as a coordinator for a program that built community interpersonal relationships and help people to realize their self-worth by having people use their talents to help one another. Now I write Christian articles, produce Christ-based you tube videos, and for our churchs youth pastor, PowerPoint presentations. In addition, I am also studying online, Christian counseling, in hopes of paying it forward in transforming the lives of the brokenhearted, just like how my college instructor once did to me.
For some time, I based my self worth upon my performance and in the opinions of others. Today I realize it is solely determined by how God - my Heavenly Father feels about me. He loves me unconditionally. He is not the father figure that used to condemn, reject, and abuse me, but instead the one that will never leave me or forsake me. I dont have to be perfect to receive His love. He loves me for who I am. And He does the same for you!
To live with fear and not be afraid is the final test of maturity (Edward Weeks). For the vast majority of my life, I used to view myself as a little child trying to survive in a merciless, overpowering world a world that reminded me of my previous abusers. The fear of again reliving the emotions of pain, guilt, suffering, and shame that I did during my abusive childhood would cause my mind to be bombarded by obsessions that would tyrannize my heart and soul. When around people that I feared condemnation and rejection from, I would be afraid of doing something both tremendously and repulsively wrong that would cause them to despise me, similar to how my father and previous stepfathers seem to have done to me before. These obsessions were both provoking and persistent in nature as they made me feel insecure in starting new relationships.
Today, I feel at ease as I now effortlessly build strong healthy relationships with seemingly almost everyone I meet. I sometimes still face scary obsessions, but with my Heavenly Fathers help, I know I will be victorious in the end. "With man, this is impossible, but with God, all things are possible."
Everyday we face a battle in our minds for supremacy: - between the hopes and dreams of a better life and a better world that we envision of; and the fears and pains that attempt to prevent that vision from happening. Our success rate in reaching the top of the mountain is determined by what combatant usually wins the war. Victory occurs when hope overpowers fear.
God has prepared for each of us a better life a land of freedom that is there awaiting for both you and me. We must daily not let fear prevent us from believing in, and eventually, reaching that dream. We cannot behave like the Isrealites, who found the land of Canaan but was too afraid to claim it because of fear. (Numbers 13)
Focus on where you want to go, not on what you fear. (Anthony Robbins) When I am afraid, I must trust God and His promises. Through God, I can do all things, can overcome any obstacle, can find acceptance and forgiveness amidst any mistake, can find peace from any burden, and can find success the way God intended it to be. Cast away your burdens to Him and let God do what is best for you. The only way to trust Him is to know Him, which requires developing a love relationship with Him.
Again, freedom is out there if we only have the faith to grasp it! If we realize God is in control, we will see the light in the darkest night. History is full of people who found freedom through Christ amidst their greatest fears. I have found it and so can you!
