Bipolar and feeling useless, sad, suicidal....

[GreyWolf]

I don't quite know where to start. I have sufferered from depression for years, and ssris only helped a little. Lithium calmed me down, but didn't help my depression (and I gained 100 pounds!) A year ago I was dianosed with Bipolar, and now I'm on depakote, and was on risperdal, but my psychiatrist just put me on abilify and I stopped the risperdol. I go up and down, not into mania much, but from feeling happy to feeling too depressed to get out of bed.

Only three days ago, I was feeling great! I'm in the midst of a move accross the state. I will be moving away from my parents and all friends, and my church and my counselors. Fortunately I already have a new counselor lined up where I'm going and there is a church right near my new place. I wouldn't have chosen to move in the middle of a med change and a crisis but I don't have a choice because of circumstances I'm in. I was feeling so wonderful a few days ago that I thought the abilify was working, but now I'm in the dregs. I feel so much pain inside and I dont know where it is coming from. I love God and was praying and felt so close to Him last week, I was active in ministries, or trying to be, but now I feel so far away from Him, as if He has turned a deaf ear to me. I cannot even bring myself to pray. Why did God give me this chemical imbalance? I cannot work for His kingdom like this. For the past few days all I can think about it hurting myself. My last suicide attempt was three months ago. (pills and bag) Years ago, when my depression was at its worst, I used to 'tempt fate' by using a cord or rope to hang and strangle myself until I felt about to pass out. I would know that if I DID pass out I'd die, but I'd gamble on it and try to stop at the last minute. I stopped doing that for the most part, and my dr thinks it is related to my OCD. Anyway, for the past few days, strangling myself is all I can think about. I just look around me and see cords everywhere. I keep flashing back to my worst suicide attemtpt (I won't get into details, it was just pretty bad) and I can't seem to get these thoughts out of my head when they were the farthest thing from my mind last week. My counselor doesn't know what is wrong with me, she says to call a hotline or a friend. Would God blame me for taking my life? Will I ever be able to fight this? Why did God create me with this disease? Am I destined to kill myself?

 

[goldenviolet]

sweetheart focus on learning God's promises about how He sees you. i posted some of them in your guestbook. you are called the daughter of God. God calls you His daughter, His lamb, His bride, His first fruits. nothing can seperate you from His love. no thing can steal His gift on the cross or your rewards from Him. you. You don't do it on your own... it is your birth right upon excepting your place. then, not even you may stumble away... because it's not earned, it's a gift. God will keep you in his arms and your inheritance is secure.

below is a sermon i thought might help....

Highs and lows often affect the way we perceive our relationship with the Lord. If we are emotionally high, we have found favor with the Lord and for some reason feel more adequate to worship, more accepted. If we are low due to the circumstances of life, then we must have displeased the Lord and are somehow being punished and so we are spiritually depleted.
It concerns me that in these scenarios the perceived acceptance of the Lord is dictated by one's emotions. The truth of scripture must set us free. We are accepted by the Lord Jesus and we are in Him. Whether high or low our Lord awaits us and has accepted us. We are His beloved. It is a self-absorbed notion that our mood determines our position in Jesus. If that were so, we would all be desolate without salvation. The question we must ask ourselves is this: does my mood affect my devotion to my Lord? Is He Lord when things aren't going my way? Has he forsaken me?
Hand in hand with our emotions are our circumstances. Often our devotion to do the Lord's will in our lives is affected by our circumstances. If all is well and our environment pristine, we linger with the Lord in times of great intimacy and fellowship. Yet these times are all too few in our world. The other times when the slightest variation rocks our lives we are strewn into preoccupations and predicaments and our devotion to do the will of the Lord is set aside. Yet we are never too busy to do the will of God.
The truth is, it is in these times when our dependency upon Him is crucial. I am reminded of this: whether I am having a good day or a bad day, regardless of whether I feel happy or sad , I am always loved by my Lord. I am accepted by His love and grace. I am a chosen vessel set aside for good works. And regardless of my circumstances it is my privilege and call to do the will of the Lord Jesus who saved me.

 

[Jeshu]

...My counselor doesn't know what is wrong with me, she says to call a hotline or a friend. Would God blame me for taking my life? Will I ever be able to fight this? Why did God create me with this disease? Am I destined to kill myself?

Hi GreyWolf
When I read your story I thought back on my situation only 14 months back where I was also suicidal and had the same questions as you in my mind. Remember however that these questions come out of a depressed state and that it will pass again. (I came also really close to killing myself in the negativity of my depressed state of being. Knowing that God had more purpose for me, sick and all was like a life line to me at the time.)

Please don't do anything silly during this difficult time. Know that you are God's whatever happens to you. And indeed if suicide is on your mind make sure you have support teams set up -- life lines I call them -- it is survival that you must fight for.

Have you tried any anti-depressants? (The medications you are on are a mood stablizer and an anti-psychotic and they tend to make us feel down rather than up.)

Be praying for you.

 

[GreyWolf]

goldenviolet,

That sermon is so spot on with the way I actually feel. Thanks for posting it. Jeshu, I'm also on Effexor, an anti-depressant. The truth is, I don't have much energy to write right now, but I wanted to drop in to tell you that at least I'm still here fighting the good fight and I am grateful to you for your replies, and grateful to all the other people who did not reply, but who may have prayed for me.
Thanks. And I will write more later.
GW

 

[goldenviolet]

that sermon hits us all ... blessings sweet friend. i'm blessed your feelings are passionate. big feelings from a big heart. big hearted people do amazing things. even when our big hearts are created from our struggles. do you know what your spiritual gifts are? did you see your big heart plays a part in your gifts? they maybe your struggles at times, but God uses our spiritual gifts to motivate us. if you would like some more information on your gifts, and our purpose let me know. we'll find some things that apply to you ...

love dee

 

[stanneberg]

I'm praying for you as well.

Just a caution.

About a year ago I crashed. Admitted into the hospital, I was taken off ALL anti-depressents in that they were causing me to cycle. They say that the definition of someone who is bipolar is one who goes from manic to depressed three or more times a year. I was cycling 10 times a day! Removing all the anti-depressents made an immediate difference.

My prayer is that you find a doctor that is sensitive to you and your needs, and that you have the ability to communicate accurately to him. Do the research. Talk to others with the disease. Gather the knowledge you need to be an active participant in your treatment.

Keep in mind that all the doctors are 'shooting from the hip' in treating our disease. There is no test to show our condition. All they use is case study: "This pill worked for that guy, so it should work for you as well . . ."

Remember also, when we are at our lowest, God is at His closest. Don't expect a lot out of yourself right now.

I don't even know you, but I love you. I'm praying for you. You'll get through this! I did!

Stephen Tanneberg

 

[s_gunter]

I'm praying for you as well.

Just a caution.

About a year ago I crashed. Admitted into the hospital, I was taken off ALL anti-depressents in that they were causing me to cycle. They say that the definition of someone who is bipolar is one who goes from manic to depressed three or more times a year. I was cycling 10 times a day! Removing all the anti-depressents made an immediate difference.

My prayer is that you find a doctor that is sensitive to you and your needs, and that you have the ability to communicate accurately to him. Do the research. Talk to others with the disease. Gather the knowledge you need to be an active participant in your treatment.

Keep in mind that all the doctors are 'shooting from the hip' in treating our disease. There is no test to show our condition. All they use is case study: "This pill worked for that guy, so it should work for you as well . . ."

Remember also, when we are at our lowest, God is at His closest. Don't expect a lot out of yourself right now.

I don't even know you, but I love you. I'm praying for you. You'll get through this! I did!

Stephen Tanneberg

Thank you for this post. You don't know how many people you help showing this type of charity. This is what we need more of. Again, thank you.

 

[katallasso]

Hi GreyWolf,

Lots of good advice here. One thing Stephen said brought a tactic back to mind I used that I don't think I have mentioned here.

Don't expect a lot out of yourself right now.

When I was in manic state and would get so nervous and out of sorts and not able to put one foot in front of another and wondering how I was going to get anything done. I came up with the Scarlet O'Hara tactic. I would tell myself, "I'll worry about this tommorrow". What brought me to this was the scripture where it says to "be anxious for nothing". I would say, "God, I cannot do this, You know what's going on and I am very weak and can't take care of myself or my family, so I give this all to You to deal with." He was always faithful and nothing awful ever happened, the kids always were fed they never ran out of something to wear the school. It was amazing to me and I feel that had I not learned to lean hard of My Beloved things would have fell apart to some extent. How far He would have let things go til I learned this lesson I don't know.

What it has done for me is show me how available He is and how little strength of my own I have or need.

Praise our wonderful Father.

 

[GreyWolf]

Thank you for the support you have shown me. I think for now, my depression has broken. I dont' quite know when I started feeling better, but I am feeling a lot better. In fact, I'm feeling good. Suddenly my life doesn't look so terrible anymore. I have people who care about me, I have God, and I have hope for the future. IT's weird, how much better I feel. It's kind of confusing, how I could have been so down and suicidal and now I feel ok, even good. Yesterday I couldn't get out of bed and today I feel energetic enough to write a novel and e-mail every one of my friends in one night. Suddenly praying seems possible again. And I see possibiliites in my life. I'm glad I feel better, but I feel confused. It's almost like I don't know what reality is. The pain I was feeling so strongly only this morning is gone. Where did it suddenly go, and how did I get to this point? I guess I should just accept the better feelings and go with them. Thank you to everyone who prayed for me, I'm sure your prayers made a big difference. You really showed me God's love. Thank you.....

 

[stanneberg]

Try this one. It works for me.

". . . If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."

Bible math. A + B = C

Prayer is something, isn't it?

Stephen Tanneberg

 

[AwesomeMachine]

When I was beyond suicide, killing myself seemes to good for me. I slowly sank deeper into the pits of hell. This was a purifying stage for what was to come. I had always believed Jesus would come and save me, and all my dreams would come true. I always prayed for myself, and other people, too. I always made sure to include myself. It was when I stopped trying to help other people, which was just an excuse to keep from facing my own pain, and started to really care about myself, I began to come out of it. I was suddenly struck with my need to be forgiven. I not only needed to be forgiven for sins I committed, but for sins I carried that other people committed against me. I had done one of three things with these: Never acknowledged I had been hurt, Never forgave the person, or excused the person for what they did based on the other person's weaknesses. All this did was make me sick.

I started to repent of the sins other people did to me, and asked Jesus to forgive them, too. I asked forgiveness for carrying these sins as pain, fear, and ignorance; which I then passed on to myself, and others. I really needed to get vengeance on others. I didn't want to go to jail, so I took out my pain on myself. I was overjoyed to get my pass go free card when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. This meant I didn't have to forgive anyone, because the disease has no cause. It also excused everyone else from having to forgive me, because I was sick. It wasn't my fault.

Guess what? People are responsible for what they do regardless of how compromised they are. If one person sins, it affects everyone. God will forgive any sin. You only need to accept The Sacrifice of Jesus as payment for your sin debt. This is the only payment God will accept for your sins. You don't get excused because you were sick. If what you did was a sin, you need to be forgiven. All you have to do is confess, and ask forgiveness.

After a while bipolar disorder becomes an excuse to be irresponsible. You can do anything you want because you're sick. Whatever you feel like is the way things have to be for everyone around you. You always get your way. It's a way to control your environment. When you feel like you are going to lose control, you want to die. Bipolar victims would rather die than give up control. This is because they want to justify their own sin. They can't face what is inside them, but it eats them alive.

Confess your sins to God. Ask for forgiveness. Hold other people accountable, including your parents. Feelings of worthlessness come from how your parents treated you. If you start confessing sin, Jesus will show you who hurt you, and take away all the pain. When I was finally delivered from my sin, and the generational curses on me, I was filled with The Holy Spirit. People could see it. I had realized my own father was a psychopath who was trying to kill me. My father detected I could see, and he tried to kill me. Evil can't stand to be discovered. Bipolar disorder covers up all the evidence, and excuses those responsible for it. It is the perfect tool of the devil because God always gets blamed for it.

Bipolar disorder is cause by a genetic mutation, which is the result of a curse. Until you are free from the curse, you will be enslaved. I have a prayer that is free. If you PM me with your email, I will send it to you. Someone who has authority given by The Holy Spirit to set the prisoners free in Jesus Name must say the prayer. If you attempt to do it yourself, the demons inside your deceit will try to harm you. Fear, or choking will stop you from being able to finish the prayer. You need help. You can't do it alone. You need people who know the Truth. The Truth is: The Blood of Jesus Christ is stronger than all the evil in the world. The Blood of Jesus Christ is what can set you free from bipolar disorder.

 

[Alive again]

Grey Wolf,


It is so nice to see you posting here and sharing your experiences and questions and pain. It is a road we are all walking, questions we are facing. Your story sounds very similiar to mine. Do not despair, God's postion never changes. You see God is in us at salvation, so even if it "feels" like our prayers are going no higher than the ceiling, that's okay, God is right there with us and inus and hears. I was trained as a nurse and would love to return to hospice nursing, but God is using my illness (bp2) to create a new ministry for me. I am finding more and more that my ministry is now about those with mental health issues or living in poverty. You see, I also spent years in depression and gaining weight and suicidal. Very little mania, and because it's bp2, my manias felt like good and happy days, but they did not last and the cr4ash back into depression always return. It tokk years, achange in diagnosis to bp and finally several meds until we found one that worked for me. I am feeling better, losing weight, and in the meantiem I am on SSD, and I can still drive, so God is using me and my car to help others and allowing me amazing opportunities to talk to others about him. So do know that bp can open doors to others ministries. And always remember just how much you are beloved by God!!!!