Biblical and other support for those Hurting badly!

[Jeshu]

Where I’m at.
The problem is not the truth ever
be truth good or be truth bad
truth is real, firm and trustworthy
a gemstone if ever there was One.

Lies roaming freely around pose the problem
for they deceive, trick and then overcome
taking control off my good life with their bad life
and then enslave me to becoming like that as well.

Hear them accuse and point the finger at me
watch out for those wolves in sheep clothing
using words of truth spinning lying realities
scorpion stings bringing desolation and ruin.

It must be love that addresses evil clinging.
for only genuine love can see past the dirt
restoring true and right to rule my life
untrue existence fading back into darkness.

Fear no evil The Word has spoken true
still I have not been brave like Him
I've freaked them all the way in horror
far before the big bang blew me to bits.

That is how the wicked stole my soul
through shear domination of my will
enforcing loveless ways to tie me down
and keeping my good life down in Hades.

Dust to dust, ashes to ashes death lost.
Not only my fruit trees love rotting matter
growing good life from my very dung
feeds even my worms a rich diet day by day.

Evil to be fuel for the fire - yeah!!!
such longing to see justice done
for for freedom from the darkness
The Creator gave me nocturnal sight.

Been living hell fueling the fires raging
and as I have known for some time
I will celebrate the perpetual flames forever
black matter revealing our stolen light.

 

[Jeshu]

https://maibergerinstitute.com/emdr-christianity/


I thought this was very relevant for those struggling with their concept of God in their lives.

 

[Jeshu]

Hell Bend.
The sun rises over the righteous
but also over the wicked.
Scorching light revealing the darkness
walking in our shoes.
Good life squandering lunatics
spreading loveless realties
Constantly infecting good life
the dead walk among the fallen.
bad life ravaging good life
leaving us bereft and in ruins.

Where is the love you may ask?
What have the wicked done with Him?
They crucified our Lord!
and us along with Him.
We best remember that
when we are entertaining
our loveless friends down here.

As far as I'm concerned!
Me and my house will serve The Lord.
To hell with loveless spirits
ruling human hearts to ruin.
I curse them now and forever!

Hallelujah!

 

[Jeshu]

The Wicked Lying.
I know that the wicked hate me badly
that is to be expected to be true.
the real issue is that they try to rule me
with their lies and trap me in their pits.

Always surrounding they cast their nets
good life to fall in the hands of bad life
to be tortured in the dungeons below
their mouths never stop speaking lies.

Wish i was no more a victim of abuse
so many years this has been going on
few care, fewer help, none deliver
yet the hurt is far too big to carry.

Malicious lies spreading fires is what I get
raging hate when warning of disaster
Where on earth is safety from their grasp?
My God how I wish I was deaf and blind!

 

[Chucklemethis]

Yes Jeshu is correct. We have to battle lies. I always tell my Dark Horses, the two biggest thieves are Lies and Stress. A Dark Horse is one whos bet against but in the end they win. Others bet against us and we inwardly have bet against ourselves. You have to tell the adversary out loud "You are a liar".

The Bible talks about meditating on His Word day and night. Some may think this is superspiritual, but it plainly means "repeat". This is how a mindset is submitted under the authority of Christ. Sometimes all you have the strength to do is mumble these Truths, then do that. Say them out loud so your entire body and mind can hear.

I have many methods and have a lot of experience in this and helping Dark Horses see reality and not the darkness. I was in deep.

I went to hell and back after I got saved. I understand. I just wanted to point out a couple of helpful user resources.

Talklife is an app where you can vent directly or anonymously. You recieve helpful advice and encouragment from fellow users. I didnt know about it until after I got out of darkness, but I contribute to the cause now.

Also, if you dont mind adding a push to talk app called Zello, I just started a channel called Dark Horses. There you can come and go as you please and recieve encouragement. Ive been in the thick of it and Im compelled to reach out.

Talklife
dark horses

 

[Jeshu]

Watch Out! Over There!
Running away flat out
looking over my shoulder
shadows catching up
running faster yet
darkness holding tight.

Dread a heavy load
heart pounding wildly
hands sweating cold
hair raising terror
stomach a heavy knot.

How can I escape
all consuming terror
which way to go
to safe embrace
rather than fiery clamp?

Will I be able to sleep again?
Will the night ever be over?
Will my deliverer appear?
Will the horror ever cease?
Will nightmare ever end?

Truth is I'm so very tired
and needing a rest badly
desperate for reprieve
rather than predators
continually chasing me.

 

[Chucklemethis]

Watch Out! Over There!
Running away flat out
looking over my shoulder
shadows catching up
running faster yet
darkness holding tight.

Dread a heavy load
heart pounding wildly
hands sweating cold
hair raising terror
stomach a heavy knot.

How can I escape
all consuming terror
which way to go
to safe embrace
rather than fiery clamp?

Will I be able to sleep again?
Will the night ever be over?
Will my deliverer appear?
Will the horror ever cease?
Will nightmare ever end?

Truth is I'm so very tired
and needing a rest badly
desperate for reprieve
rather than predators
continually chasing me.

there was a time when my rhymes were a sign inside was empty
from my eyes, tears flooded the lines
my life in writing related to many

at the time,
if I couldnt see,
if I couldnt breathe,
I pretended
before my prime all out of fight I decided to end it

GLAD I didnt, I was just a defendent
trapped in a box I didnt fit in

plus
rollin in my thoughts
was my Mom droppin the phone in anguish
words uttered
"We tried, Im sorry,
but she didnt make it"

one lost, another gone,
and now thiss
I dont think she could take it

war for my soul on the floor
compelled to kneel

Lord if you can hear
pore into my core
show Yourself if Youre real

Lord if youre here
no more will I sore alone
take this wheel

I approach your thrown
pore Your Love in my fear
my spirit is growning
its my past I need You to heal
no more torment,
its You in me I need You to fill

I gotta say,
He did
He reached out
and He reached in

so now
instead of barely living, Im thrivin,
forgivin' the sinnin'
reachin' out
encouragin'
and liftin'

Selah

Now that prayer was mine and is true, but I didnt know darkness until after I got saved. Before then, I didnt know I was dead. I elbow crawled outta hell on my own. He spoke in a whisper and taught me the method to use. I wanted out completely never to look back, but He had other plans. I help people in darkness every day all day on multiple forums, apps and mediums.

but lately due to my schedule, I started a new channel open to anyone fighting darkness or lost a love one who lost the fight.

Watch Out! Over There!
Running away flat out
looking over my shoulder
shadows catching up
running faster yet
darkness holding tight.

Dread a heavy load
heart pounding wildly
hands sweating cold
hair raising terror
stomach a heavy knot.

How can I escape
all consuming terror
which way to go
to safe embrace
rather than fiery clamp?

Will I be able to sleep again?
Will the night ever be over?
Will my deliverer appear?
Will the horror ever cease?
Will nightmare ever end?

Truth is I'm so very tired
and needing a rest badly
desperate for reprieve
rather than predators
continually chasing me.

there was a time when my rhymes were a sign inside was empty
from my eyes, tears flooded the lines
my life in writing related to many

at the time,
if I couldnt see,
if I couldnt breathe,
I pretended
before my prime all out of fight I decided to end it

GLAD I didnt, I was just a defendent
trapped in a box I didnt fit in

plus
rollin in my thoughts
was my Mom droppin the phone in anguish
words uttered
"We tried, Im sorry,
but she didnt make it"

one lost, another gone,
and now thiss
I dont think she could take it

war for my soul on the floor
compelled to kneel

Lord if you can hear
pore into my core
show Yourself if Youre real

Lord if youre here
no more will I sore alone
take this wheel

I approach your thrown
pore Your Love in my fear
my spirit is growning
its my past I need You to heal
no more torment,
its You in me I need You to fill

I gotta say,
He did
He reached out
and He reached in

so now
instead of barely living, Im thrivin,
forgivin' the sinnin'
reachin' out
encouragin'
and liftin'

Selah

Now that prayer was mine and is true, but I didnt know darkness until after I got saved. Before then, I didnt know I was dead. I elbow crawled outta hell on my own. He spoke in a whisper and taught me the method to use. I wanted out completely never to look back, but He had other plans. I help people in darkness every day all day on multiple forums, apps and mediums.

but lately due to my schedule, I started a new channel open to anyone fighting darkness or lost a love one who list the fight.

Im available 247. Struggling with pills, alcohol, cutting, suicide etc I have a lot of experience and high success rate. Ive only known two people as dark as I was and one travels the world and the other lost the fight.

I just want to let you all know, youre truly truly not alone.

dark horses

 

[Jeshu]

there was a time when my rhymes were a sign inside was empty
from my eyes, tears flooded the lines
my life in writing related to many

at the time,
if I couldnt see,
if I couldnt breathe,
I pretended
before my prime all out of fight I decided to end it

GLAD I didnt, I was just a defendent
trapped in a box I didnt fit in

plus
rollin in my thoughts
was my Mom droppin the phone in anguish
words uttered
"We tried, Im sorry,
but she didnt make it"

one lost, another gone,
and now thiss
I dont think she could take it

war for my soul on the floor
compelled to kneel

Lord if you can hear
pore into my core
show Yourself if Youre real

Lord if youre here
no more will I sore alone
take this wheel

I approach your thrown
pore Your Love in my fear
my spirit is growning
its my past I need You to heal
no more torment,
its You in me I need You to fill

I gotta say,
He did
He reached out
and He reached in

so now
instead of barely living, Im thrivin,
forgivin' the sinnin'
reachin' out
encouragin'
and liftin'

Selah

Now that prayer was mine and is true, but I didnt know darkness until after I got saved. Before then, I didnt know I was dead. I elbow crawled outta hell on my own. He spoke in a whisper and taught me the method to use. I wanted out completely never to look back, but He had other plans. I help people in darkness every day all day on multiple forums, apps and mediums.

but lately due to my schedule, I started a new channel open to anyone fighting darkness or lost a love one who lost the fight.




there was a time when my rhymes were a sign inside was empty
from my eyes, tears flooded the lines
my life in writing related to many

at the time,
if I couldnt see,
if I couldnt breathe,
I pretended
before my prime all out of fight I decided to end it

GLAD I didnt, I was just a defendent
trapped in a box I didnt fit in

plus
rollin in my thoughts
was my Mom droppin the phone in anguish
words uttered
"We tried, Im sorry,
but she didnt make it"

one lost, another gone,
and now thiss
I dont think she could take it

war for my soul on the floor
compelled to kneel

Lord if you can hear
pore into my core
show Yourself if Youre real

Lord if youre here
no more will I sore alone
take this wheel

I approach your thrown
pore Your Love in my fear
my spirit is growning
its my past I need You to heal
no more torment,
its You in me I need You to fill

I gotta say,
He did
He reached out
and He reached in

so now
instead of barely living, Im thrivin,
forgivin' the sinnin'
reachin' out
encouragin'
and liftin'

Selah

Now that prayer was mine and is true, but I didnt know darkness until after I got saved. Before then, I didnt know I was dead. I elbow crawled outta hell on my own. He spoke in a whisper and taught me the method to use. I wanted out completely never to look back, but He had other plans. I help people in darkness every day all day on multiple forums, apps and mediums.

but lately due to my schedule, I started a new channel open to anyone fighting darkness or lost a love one who list the fight.

Im available 247. Struggling with pills, alcohol, cutting, suicide etc I have a lot of experience and high success rate. Ive only known two people as dark as I was and one travels the world and the other lost the fight.

I just want to let you all know, youre truly truly not alone.

dark horses

Thank you for sharing that. (I tried to join you at dark horses but I run linux and there is no app for linux to run your site.)

I wrote the above poem in response to my counseling session yesterday. I suffer from P.T.S.D and am trying to come to grips with the enormity of my gone wrong emotions in these parts of my life. Fear is something that has tortured me all my life and now I'm busy exploring these dark parts of my life with Jesus in hand so to speak, to bury the dead and tend the wounded in those parts of my existence. It is a horror movie in real life but well worth the effort.

Thanks for your love and support.

Peace.

 

[Chucklemethis]

well you can always reach me on kik user is dhunion.

theres talklife. its not christian, but you can vent and recieve support (even anonymously). pretty cool set up there.

Its just Im in the middle of moving, otherwise Im available on kik 247. My Dark Horses contact me in the middle of the night going through withdrawals. I make myself available because I was alone.

btw a Dark Horse is one who is bet against, but who wins in the end. Not everyone starts out a Dark Horse, but some do. Either way, I act like a pocket therapist. I support and back anyones personal certified therapist even if it goes against my own methods. My methods work.

Its one day at a time. Fight the good fight.

 

[Jeshu]

In Touch With Death.
Death came for a visit today
to say 'hi there' once again!
I suppose a change of scenery
the Abyss to swallow my pain?

Misery is for darkness to keep
his lies brought it all into being
he wanted this to rule me all along
his wrong to squander my good life.

Who am I talking about else
than that devil roaming around
my inner dwelling place right now
trying to infiltrate with his gangs?

I had my gut full of him and his
loveless spirits dulling my senses
plundering my good life to keep
with their constant loveless lies.

Jesus will not let me down ever
He is not like they say He is
know Him much better than that
surely He will always catch me.

Out of my life you cruel deceiver
Betraying me you are betrayed!
Each step you take towards me
has me screaming blue murder.

 

[Chucklemethis]

Gods Word is True and every man a liar.

 

[Chucklemethis]

The words of our mouth bring blessings or curses. Forget the adversary, we take responsibility for our actions and thoughts. Dont give it credit. In the Morning, "thoughts" overtake us. The Bible speaks of us being vessels. We can fill up on light and overflow into other peoples lives or we can take the garbage others have fed us in our pass and repeat it creating our own world of darkness. His Word promises says "Every day is New". So when those thoughts bombard us in the early morning hours, we take them captive then. At that time. Everything is under the subject and the authority of Christ for those who are in Christ Jesus. Jesus said "Only Believe". He said "Satan is a lier. Satan is a deceiver. Satan is the accuser of the brotheren." He says "We are more than conquerers" Selah. Amen? So, even if we have to mutter it before we can speak, do that (; its ok, we crawl before we can walk. I say we, because no one is alone in this corporate body. I say we because even though Im out, through Gods love for you Im with every one of you in your cell. I say what I hear my Father say, I will never leave you.

first, call the lie out. then replace it with Truth (preferably 3 times). This is what I call redirecting the bit of the horse or rutter of our ship.

whatever surfaces first or is the loudest address first and know its a process coming from the floor of our Chateau Di'f.

"thats a lie. Im NOT a loser"
"I was reborn with the mind of Christ, I cant lose"
"people love me and love to see me coming". Thats not a lie, thats the Truth. Recall who you use to be, well that you is in the future only so much stronger and they are calling to you. Come out, you can and you will.

Forget experience. Forget what you think is fact. Ya Im asking you to declare trees are purple and the sky is green and the world is actually upside down. Gods Word is Truth, not what our lies have told us over time. Its called faith. Only believe.

dark horses

 

[Jeshu]

The words of our mouth bring blessings or curses. Forget the adversary, we take responsibility for our actions and thoughts. Dont give it credit. In the Morning, "thoughts" overtake us. The Bible speaks of us being vessels. We can fill up on light and overflow into other peoples lives or we can take the garbage others have fed us in our pass and repeat it creating our own world of darkness. His Word promises says "Every day is New". So when those thoughts bombard us in the early morning hours, we take them captive then. At that time. Everything is under the subject and the authority of Christ for those who are in Christ Jesus. Jesus said "Only Believe". He said "Satan is a lier. Satan is a deceiver. Satan is the accuser of the brotheren." He says "We are more than conquerers" Selah. Amen? So, even if we have to mutter it before we can speak, do that (; its ok, we crawl before we can walk. I say we, because no one is alone in this corporate body. I say we because even though Im out, through Gods love for you Im with every one of you in your cell. I say what I hear my Father say, I will never leave you.

first, call the lie out. then replace it with Truth (preferably 3 times). This is what I call redirecting the bit of the horse or rutter of our ship.

whatever surfaces first or is the loudest address first and know its a process coming from the floor of our Chateau Di'f.

"thats a lie. Im NOT a loser"
"I was reborn with the mind of Christ, I cant lose"
"people love me and love to see me coming". Thats not a lie, thats the Truth. Recall who you use to be, well that you is in the future only so much stronger and they are calling to you. Come out, you can and you will.

Forget experience. Forget what you think is fact. Ya Im asking you to declare trees are purple and the sky is green and the world is actually upside down. Gods Word is Truth, not what our lies have told us over time. Its called faith. Only believe.

dark horses

Thank you for your response, overall it is a wise one and well suited for recovery. However I know I have to place it rightly within and not wrongly.

My problem is excessing my broken up and lost self stuck in the lies down there. It is no good to have blind trust in Jesus when it comes to finding the lost and hurting sheep within. I have done that many times before and ended-up in hospital totally out of my mind and full of evil. As a matter of fact blind faith handed me so much bad life for real that now have to unload - time and again - little by little as to survive the ordeal.

I suppose I'm a very lucky man because Jesus takes me through my bad life bit by bit instead of the whole lot in one hit as some face when they die with evil ruling them in major parts of their lost lives.

Nothing strange about divisions within a believer in God, just see Psalm 86:11, but as far as I'm concerned it is about spreading the Gospel throughout my inner world of being, so I in all my families/nations I may behold God's salvation and His glory.

It is about separating the sheep from the goat I believe! For those demons hurting me so badly have hold parts of myself captive throughout my life, and I in my blind faith judging unjustly have left so much of myself cruelly behind with those tormentors. So it is high time I go and reverse my actions and let Jesus take me back there and save me away from my tormentors.

Peace.

Time and again, for what seems forever!

 

[Chucklemethis]

After you got saved, you felt the New Man enter. You felt liquid love pore into every cell in your body. If not, then you never got actually saved. I quoted by heart hundreds of scriptures (no joke), sometimes chapters loonng before I got saved. I knew Him as a child, and I confounded ministers with my knowledge. All, all long before I got saved. I had 9years of extensive Bible school under my belt. Extensive, i.e., things I learned later in Bible College. We had to know all about the major prophets, minor prophets, history, the temple, garments, the law, every story...it all.
I was not saved.
I was dead.
Not only was I dead, but I battled autism, borderline personality disorder, and PTSD. Story too deep to tell at this hour. If you got saved and felt that New Man enter, there was a time you said, "I will be obedient" and man o man you enjoyed doing so. Somewhere down the line, you made your first decision to wonder. He reminded you of His Word, but you began a journey from then on (whether you knew it then or not) to walk your journey in your own will.

Im sure you refered to Him, witnessed to others about Him, encouraged many, touched many. There on began your downhill slope. Many factors contributed to the increase in darkness but you found yourself feeling worse than you ever felt and maybe even questioned if you were saved, if it was easier before you got saved or of there was a God at all. Totally depends on the level of darkness and how far you wondered.

Did you know, God didnt fall off His throne? Hes the Good Shepard. Hes the loving Father. You had to do what you had to do, so He wasnt forcing you but you wanted to do it authentically. In His love and grace, this is where we find ourselves. David talked about it in Psalms 88 I think it was. Nebuchadnezzar was sent out into what sounds like hell to me. Paul went onto the dessert.
I gotta say,
I was soo desperate. I would interview strangers. I mean if I found out you never backslid, I would ask ask ask so many questions trying to locate the Source how. The answer was always the same. No joke. They would say, "well I donno, I just know when I first got saved so n so told me to start in the book of St John." Out of all the gospels, Johns talks about Gods Love the most.

See what satan meant for my evil, God all along had His thoughts towards me and knew the plan He had for me. Autism was a curse that seperated me from mankind in ways I cannot relate into words. It killed. In the end, I never wanted to shoot myself or take pills and die, I wanted to violently murder myself stabbing myself in the brain. It was gruesome, those are the facts. Those were my facts. All after I got saved mind you.

Let me tell you, Autism saved my life. God is good. Hes soo good to me. See autistic people see things in patterns - everywhere always we cant stop. It was through the stillness and silence of being cut off from the world in more than a few ways (can maybe explain later in future) that He talked to me. He, in a whisper, pointed out patterns and showed me His ways and what works, what doesnt, and why etc. all according to His Word.

I got saved. I was on fire for God, but then chose one day to do one thing contrary to His Word. Making excuses only led to more rebellion. I say all of this to say, when in my darkest hour, you know how He reached me? Teaching me I will continue on in hell if I didnt first become authentic. HE wants you to be authentic. Thats not you. Thats His Truth. Thats why a lot of methods dont work, mine do. Other men and women of God who made it out, their methods work. God walked with me and talked with me and pointing things out to me. No I didnt know it altogether at the time. I reflect in my maturity and tell Him how cool this or that was. At rhe time I would see patterns in the world around me and get excited seeing Gods hand. I didnt know how to let it out though. It was lonely and painful, I do what I do now with Dark Horses to save people time and heartache. Nay, He has me doing this because when I escaped my Chateau Di'f, I was like "peace, Im out. Im NOT going back". I didnt want to help anyone. Sorry, Ive seen places in the hell of ones mind that no one should ever have to witness 10 seconds. I was there 3 long torturous painful years. The Lord said now for me to go out and help others. He gave me a passion for it I never had.

During those dark times,
Knowing He was the God of the universe. My only friend. Having soo much history of His undeniable hand in my life, I still refused to surrender. Oh sure, I did here a lil there a lil. All earnest. All faithful, but would enter into sin cycles.

He reached me when I began putting the puzzle pieces together. I never had a dad, but one uncanny TRUTH piece of the puzzle is how He gave us families to show us how the system works. To show us how His love works. How a loving father treats his children within our homes. I never had that growing up. I was tore up about it. My mom would say "Youre the only daddys girl I ever met without a dad". I mean I continued to play the role. She never had a dad, but she said she didnt play the role like I did. Satan tried to destroy me from the inside out, but God said, you can have her but dont kill her. She will hear me in a whisper she will. I went through A LOT of hell to get to where I am today, but I had to realize and even tell Him in pure adoration, gratefulness, peace of mind and heart, reverence (the whole nine) "YOU SET ME UP" lol. I said it for weeks. Just in shock. Like oh WOW You set me up. He knew every part of my heart, and not going against my own will zheHe spoke to my heart. He does this to all of us all of us all of us (; Hes all around you right now setting you up lol He knows your heart and the inclination to do evil. His love is sooo UNCONDITIONAL.

He knows it all. He knows and is talking to your heart every step of the way, setting you up. He knows your heart better than you do because the heart is deceitful and is wicked the Bible says. In His unconditional love Hes appealing to the real you inside. The one He created you to be. Hes shown you visuals and have talked to your inner conscience all along. He never stopped. You see, being authentic is where it starts (; You cannot do works without faith or else they are dead works.

I tried to read St. John ya know. It didnt work. no matter how hard I tried. I couldnt get the idea of His Love on the inside of me. I know why now.

That lady with the issue of blood. She pressed in through the crowd. She touched His hem. Back then (maybe even today) the Hebrews would take the tassels at the end (bottom) if their talit. They would hold one, and meditate on one scripture, one promise. The Bible says meditate on these words day and night. Meditate means repeat. So He (Jesus) did that day and night. Take one, repeat. Take another, repeat all the way around the hem of His talit. The Bible says she grabbed His hem and virtue came out of Him. This isnt some super spiritual thing only Jesus does lol. King David said let my cup overflow (; We are to be so filled with His love so it overflows into someones life who has an issue like hers.

Repeating is what creats belief (; this is where faith is nurtured. The Bible says our words become our actions which becomes our character. He doesnt want you to do ANYTHING out of dead works: He wants it to be authentic. Thats God. Through this whole time, He never fell off His throne lol and only a HUGE HUGE HUGE God can both be in all controle and still still give you free will and still still not lose one. Boom. Mind blown.

Only a huge God can plan a destiny for each one of us and still allow for free will and still not lose one. He said that to the Father, I wont lose one. You have free will, its just a matter of time in your journey through this desert that you will see His love and hand in it all. When He says ALL THINGS work together for good to those who are called according to His purpose. Man that means - it all. Your good, your bad and your ugly. Only God. Only a huge huge huge God can do this. I learned His love. I learned His love as a daddy - Abba Father. Hes so good. Now St. John works for me. I see it.

Youre a soldier in His army whether you see it or not. You falling short is no surprise to Him. Dont worry about tomorrow, it has enough worries of its own. We have grace for today.
Take one step at a time.
One step.
You fall, dont sit there stairing at the doodoo lol stand. Focus on the General of the army. Meditate. Talk be authentic - VENT. Its all all ok. Speak your heart. This is where He meets us (; authenticity.

woe looks like a lot but havent said anything. not about methods, but I try to only let Him lead. Maybe there was something on there you needed to hear. God Bless you today and always.

 

[Jeshu]

After you got saved, you felt the New Man enter. You felt liquid love pore into every cell in your body. If not, then you never got actually saved. I quoted by heart hundreds of scriptures (no joke), sometimes chapters loonng before I got saved. I knew Him as a child, and I confounded ministers with my knowledge. All, all long before I got saved. I had 9years of extensive Bible school under my belt. Extensive, i.e., things I learned later in Bible College. We had to know all about the major prophets, minor prophets, history, the temple, garments, the law, every story...it all.
I was not saved.
I was dead.
Not only was I dead, but I battled autism, borderline personality disorder, and PTSD. Story too deep to tell at this hour. If you got saved and felt that New Man enter, there was a time you said, "I will be obedient" and man o man you enjoyed doing so. Somewhere down the line, you made your first decision to wonder. He reminded you of His Word, but you began a journey from then on (whether you knew it then or not) to walk your journey in your own will.

Im sure you refered to Him, witnessed to others about Him, encouraged many, touched many. There on began your downhill slope. Many factors contributed to the increase in darkness but you found yourself feeling worse than you ever felt and maybe even questioned if you were saved, if it was easier before you got saved or of there was a God at all. Totally depends on the level of darkness and how far you wondered.

Did you know, God didnt fall off His throne? Hes the Good Shepard. Hes the loving Father. You had to do what you had to do, so He wasnt forcing you but you wanted to do it authentically. In His love and grace, this is where we find ourselves. David talked about it in Psalms 88 I think it was. Nebuchadnezzar was sent out into what sounds like hell to me. Paul went onto the dessert.
I gotta say,
I was soo desperate. I would interview strangers. I mean if I found out you never backslid, I would ask ask ask so many questions trying to locate the Source how. The answer was always the same. No joke. They would say, "well I donno, I just know when I first got saved so n so told me to start in the book of St John." Out of all the gospels, Johns talks about Gods Love the most.

See what satan meant for my evil, God all along had His thoughts towards me and knew the plan He had for me. Autism was a curse that seperated me from mankind in ways I cannot relate into words. It killed. In the end, I never wanted to shoot myself or take pills and die, I wanted to violently murder myself stabbing myself in the brain. It was gruesome, those are the facts. Those were my facts. All after I got saved mind you.

Let me tell you, Autism saved my life. God is good. Hes soo good to me. See autistic people see things in patterns - everywhere always we cant stop. It was through the stillness and silence of being cut off from the world in more than a few ways (can maybe explain later in future) that He talked to me. He, in a whisper, pointed out patterns and showed me His ways and what works, what doesnt, and why etc. all according to His Word.

I got saved. I was on fire for God, but then chose one day to do one thing contrary to His Word. Making excuses only led to more rebellion. I say all of this to say, when in my darkest hour, you know how He reached me? Teaching me I will continue on in hell if I didnt first become authentic. HE wants you to be authentic. Thats not you. Thats His Truth. Thats why a lot of methods dont work, mine do. Other men and women of God who made it out, their methods work. God walked with me and talked with me and pointing things out to me. No I didnt know it altogether at the time. I reflect in my maturity and tell Him how cool this or that was. At rhe time I would see patterns in the world around me and get excited seeing Gods hand. I didnt know how to let it out though. It was lonely and painful, I do what I do now with Dark Horses to save people time and heartache. Nay, He has me doing this because when I escaped my Chateau Di'f, I was like "peace, Im out. Im NOT going back". I didnt want to help anyone. Sorry, Ive seen places in the hell of ones mind that no one should ever have to witness 10 seconds. I was there 3 long torturous painful years. The Lord said now for me to go out and help others. He gave me a passion for it I never had.

During those dark times,
Knowing He was the God of the universe. My only friend. Having soo much history of His undeniable hand in my life, I still refused to surrender. Oh sure, I did here a lil there a lil. All earnest. All faithful, but would enter into sin cycles.

He reached me when I began putting the puzzle pieces together. I never had a dad, but one uncanny TRUTH piece of the puzzle is how He gave us families to show us how the system works. To show us how His love works. How a loving father treats his children within our homes. I never had that growing up. I was tore up about it. My mom would say "Youre the only daddys girl I ever met without a dad". I mean I continued to play the role. She never had a dad, but she said she didnt play the role like I did. Satan tried to destroy me from the inside out, but God said, you can have her but dont kill her. She will hear me in a whisper she will. I went through A LOT of hell to get to where I am today, but I had to realize and even tell Him in pure adoration, gratefulness, peace of mind and heart, reverence (the whole nine) "YOU SET ME UP" lol. I said it for weeks. Just in shock. Like oh WOW You set me up. He knew every part of my heart, and not going against my own will zheHe spoke to my heart. He does this to all of us all of us all of us (; Hes all around you right now setting you up lol He knows your heart and the inclination to do evil. His love is sooo UNCONDITIONAL.

He knows it all. He knows and is talking to your heart every step of the way, setting you up. He knows your heart better than you do because the heart is deceitful and is wicked the Bible says. In His unconditional love Hes appealing to the real you inside. The one He created you to be. Hes shown you visuals and have talked to your inner conscience all along. He never stopped. You see, being authentic is where it starts (; You cannot do works without faith or else they are dead works.

I tried to read St. John ya know. It didnt work. no matter how hard I tried. I couldnt get the idea of His Love on the inside of me. I know why now.

That lady with the issue of blood. She pressed in through the crowd. She touched His hem. Back then (maybe even today) the Hebrews would take the tassels at the end (bottom) if their talit. They would hold one, and meditate on one scripture, one promise. The Bible says meditate on these words day and night. Meditate means repeat. So He (Jesus) did that day and night. Take one, repeat. Take another, repeat all the way around the hem of His talit. The Bible says she grabbed His hem and virtue came out of Him. This isnt some super spiritual thing only Jesus does lol. King David said let my cup overflow (; We are to be so filled with His love so it overflows into someones life who has an issue like hers.

Repeating is what creats belief (; this is where faith is nurtured. The Bible says our words become our actions which becomes our character. He doesnt want you to do ANYTHING out of dead works: He wants it to be authentic. Thats God. Through this whole time, He never fell off His throne lol and only a HUGE HUGE HUGE God can both be in all controle and still still give you free will and still still not lose one. Boom. Mind blown.

Only a huge God can plan a destiny for each one of us and still allow for free will and still not lose one. He said that to the Father, I wont lose one. You have free will, its just a matter of time in your journey through this desert that you will see His love and hand in it all. When He says ALL THINGS work together for good to those who are called according to His purpose. Man that means - it all. Your good, your bad and your ugly. Only God. Only a huge huge huge God can do this. I learned His love. I learned His love as a daddy - Abba Father. Hes so good. Now St. John works for me. I see it.

Youre a soldier in His army whether you see it or not. You falling short is no surprise to Him. Dont worry about tomorrow, it has enough worries of its own. We have grace for today.
Take one step at a time.
One step.
You fall, dont sit there stairing at the doodoo lol stand. Focus on the General of the army. Meditate. Talk be authentic - VENT. Its all all ok. Speak your heart. This is where He meets us (; authenticity.

woe looks like a lot but havent said anything. not about methods, but I try to only let Him lead. Maybe there was something on there you needed to hear. God Bless you today and always.

Thank you for sharing your testimony, love and wisdom here.

As Jesus used your 'disability' so He did with me. He saved me a psychotic person and showed me all the wonders of Creation is just one vision of Being - Himself. I've been completely stricken by our Crucified God ever since.

How can He make children out of mere dirt you may ask? He Himself is my answer -The Truth of His love within grew me my Everything - and His Kingdom is more than good enough for me and completely undeserved.

Much love your way.

 

[Jeshu]

I'm Madly Mistaken!
Why heed what is not to be trusted?
Why heed when voice burns hotly?
Why heed what is untrue?
Why heed lies bringing more hurt?

What good do lies bring to stay?
What profit does untrue bring?
What divides the boundaries?
What takes in bad life galore?

Will I ever understand this true?
know what gets into my heart
when I fornicate with all of that
which brings me so much bereavement?

 

[Jeshu]

Regrets? Gnashing Teeth? Or?
I feel so sad that I envied the wicked
wanted to have what they had
and be how they were
look like them
now i do
hurting hell!

Glad such hangs around
my neck like that though
serves me right
giving wrong
my good life
and all.

Now I dive head long
down that hole
trading my bad life
for the good life
I lost
down there.

Who will I find
but my Lord
Who placed Himself
down there
to welcome
me alive?

 

[Jeshu]

Jesus is The Way!
I know The Truth
but best off all
He knows me
and sealed my life
in His!

How blessed can I be
and how humbling
to be allowed in last
of all
and rule with Him
in bliss
from now on?

Peace to all
those who hate evil
to be.

 

[Jeshu]

So Wish I only eat His Bread instead!


Our Most Hellish Truths.
Truly Hell's saddest truth
Alive is...
...that it is our Lord's!

Truly Hell is letting the truth
of our lies ruling...
...curse His misery on our lives down here.

Truly Hell is the agony and anguish
we willful sinners...
...have brought into His Existence!

Truly His Hell hotly barbecues
yes fries...
...our good life consumed by The Wicked!

Truly Hell ought to house The wicked
not set them free...
...to just keep crucifying Him?

 

[Jeshu]

My Wail!

Why do heed your lying voice in my life?
Who don't I stop listening to wrongdoing?
Why can't I love Jesus with integrity?
Why let unfaithful you rule my life?

Why let your loveless spirit rule my life?
Why should my untrue life be my Lord's agony?
Why gain bad life with you killing His good life?
Why betray my dearest Brother, Friend and King?

Why do I do such things to Jesus my Lord?
Why abuse God's loving grace and mercy?
Why do I not put you to death in me?

Why do I wail you, always ever wail you?
Why don't cut your presence out of me?
Why do keep I heeding your evil lies satan?
Why let you kill His Loving Truth in me?