Betrothal instead of dating?

[medieval_lady83]

Has anyone heard of the concept of betrothal, have personal experience with it, or know someone who does? Not betrothal as in simply getting engaged, but betrothal somewhat like it was done during biblical times, where a couple makes a commitment to get married without actual dating.

I've read some articles about it, and was wondering if anyone else had any insight on the subject. I've read some great stories and I've read some terrible stories. In general, I like the idea, but I can see some potential problems.

What are your thoughts or experience?

 

[LinkH]

Jonathan Lindvall had a testimony about it. He has a Yahoo group. I met him at a church conference once. I talked with him and it turns out his father had preached at a church I went to as a teen.

This sort of thing is practiced among some of the types that are into 'Biblical patriarchy'. Maybe 'quiverfull' families do this.

Do families into Bill Gothard's teachings do this? Maybe Voddie Baucham's church.

You'd probably have to go to a very specific Christian conference to find a man interested in this sort of thing, but he'd have to make the first move.

You could always try to get the attention of an Amish man, but I think they sort of date in their buggies and call it courting.

You could talk it over with your dad, and then if any man asks you out, tell him he has to come over for dinner and meet your parents. He'd have to be smitten with you from the get-go if he isn't in a subculture that practices courting.

 

[medieval_lady83]

Do families into Bill Gothard's teachings do this?

I'm not sure. I've never followed his teachings.

You could always try to get the attention of an Amish man, but I think they sort of date in their buggies and call it courting.

LOL. I respect certain aspects of the Amish culture (especially the food!), but I'm not planning on joining any Amish sect. I just like certain aspects of betrothal.

My concerns with the whole patriarchy approach is that they tend to overdo the parental involvement thing, in my opinion, to the point of preventing the very marriages they desire to bring about. I also think they stick too closely to the law/Hebrew customs when today's Christians are not under the law. For example, some believe there has to be a dowry involved, the man and woman have to be separated for an undetermined time while the groom prepares a house for he and his bride and the bride gets ready. I like the overall idea of betrothal, but sticking so closely I think is unnecessary. And I don't think some of those things work very well for older singles.

 

[JRSut1000]

My husband and I did bethroval without dating. Our first kiss to each other was at the altar. My husband did desire my dad's blessing and wouldnt marry me without it. He prayed that God give us 2-3 prophetic confirmations that we should marry and the first was that my dad would realize we were meant to be together. And within a few months this happened supernaturally within the matter of a couple days we received all 3 prophetic confirmations in a way that's just not humanly possible.

But we didnt kiss and we didnt spend a lot of time together (we lived in separate states for much of our getting to know one another). We didnt do a dowry thing or anything like that. And my husband did not build me a house, lol. It just doesnt seem to work well in our culture. But he does provide for me and made sure we had finances to have a place to stay. DH still provides me for and the family, meaning that I'm allowed to be a SAHM which was a goal for both of us.

We didnt do things perfectly before we met each other, but when we got to know each other we wanted to do things God's way this time and be led by Him concerning our future.

 

[LinkH]

My husband and I did bethroval without dating. Our first kiss to each other was at the altar. My husband did desire my dad's blessing and wouldnt marry me without it. He prayed that God give us 2-3 prophetic confirmations that we should marry and the first was that my dad would realize we were meant to be together. And within a few months this happened supernaturally within the matter of a couple days we received all 3 prophetic confirmations in a way that's just not humanly possible.

That's great. I'd love to hear the details. I didn't want to marry without my wife's father's permission, but that was a given in her culture anyway.

I would have loved to have had prophetic confirmations before proposing, but I sensed the Lord speaking to me, and it seemed like the Lord was using the whole experience to teach me about hearing Him, trusting Him, and how to make godly decisions. After I made up my mind to propose and the whole matter was settled for me, then I got a prophetic confirmation in the form of a prophecy that we would go to many places and minister to many people-- which implied that we would be together for a long time. It was in a service where someone was present who had opposed our marriage, too.

I shouldn't say we didn't get any prophecies. Some of them just came out in conversation with fellow believers and we picked up on it as being prophetic or some kind of gift, but the person who said it didn't say, "Thus saith the Lord." I learned about those kinds of prophecies during this time, too.

When you say you got engaged without dating, what were you during during those months while you were waiting on confirmation and your dad's approval? Did you spend any time together or talk on the phone, but call it friendship rather than dating? Or was there just no contact?

 

[JRSut1000]

We had contact via the phone and internet, we kept flirting at a minimum (nothing sexual) and talked a lot about the Lord's calling over our lives. I also knew that if I couldnt understand or embrace the call over his life, I wouldnt be satisfied to be his wife. It finally clicked one evening while talking to him what it would mean for me to be his wife. It's not all roses and butterflies, but being where the Lord wants us to be and doing what He wants is all that matters and I'm so glad that DH and I can do it together.

Yeah, prophecy is not always 'thus sayeth the Lord' but it can be confirmation in different ways and usually the point of confirmation is to confirm what we already are thinking or feeling in our spirits.

 

[LinkH]

Do you mind sharing a testimony about the prophecies you got?

 

[JRSut1000]

Hmm, I wrote it down somewhere... oh well, real quick I'll explain. The first confirmation we got was a couple months after we'd started praying bout it. My dad was reading Matthew one evening and he went to Matthew 6 where it talks bout the man leaving his father and mother, cleaving to wife and the two become one flesh, what God has joined together, let not man separate. He just broke down into tears (you dont know my dad, he's a big dude, he doesnt just burst into tears!) and he knew right then and there that I was to marry B- and he had to consent. The VERY next morning after that, a ladyfriend of my moms (who had never met B-) called and said she was reading Isaiah where it says 'as a bride who adorns herself with jewels and a groom who [cant remember the exact quote] but she thought bout me and was impressed that it was for me, that I was going to be getting married soon! B- very soon after talked to his best friend (who is also a prophet by the way) and told him bout the confrimations and he's like 'I knew it for 2 weeks but you guys had to get confirmation first'. lol. Oh yeah and I found a card on my nightstand around the same time that I hadnt noticed in months and it was a Bible verse about marriage.

 

[LinkH]

It's funny the ways God uses to communicate to us. Anyway, it's a great testimony. It sounds like you two are happy together, too.

 

[JRSut1000]

Yes, very happy together. As always, we're not perfect but I'm glad I'm married to him and no one else and he is too.

 

[LinkH]

Yes, very happy together. As always, we're not perfect but I'm glad I'm married to him and no one else and he is too.

JRSutt1000,

Were you in a 'Christian patriarchy' type family where your father was expected to give his permission (or the decision maker) as to whether you could marry?

 

[JRSut1000]

I was in a semi-traditional role family, but it wasnt ridiculously so or anything. It was more just out of respect than anything.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

Nope. I generally don't really like the idea of "doing something different than dating, just for the sake of doing something different", also known as "ways to kinda date and feel holier", and because it simply wouldn't have worked because her parent's aren't the patriarchal type. I did ask for her father's blessing, though, regarding marrying his daughter.

 

[JRSut1000]

I'm not doing it different to be different, we did it differently to remain pure. We were tired of the American form of dating, it's such a set-up for heartache and it basically teaches people how to divorce. "Ya hang out, ya kiss, you fall in love, you break up when it doesn't work". Nope, we didnt want to be 'that couple'.