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Best marriage advice to a soon-to-be-married couple?

Discussion in 'Separation and Marriage Restoration' started by snowbirdling, Feb 22, 2010.

  1. snowbirdling

    snowbirdling someone

    New Zealand
    Eastern Orthodox
    What would your best marriage advice be? As short or as long as you want.
  2. chaz345

    chaz345 Well-Known Member

    Conflict is neither good or bad, it's how the conflict is handled that is good or bad. A case can be made for the idea that a complete lack of conflict is bad because it means that one of both aren't truly and openly sharing themself.
  3. Texan40

    Texan40 seeking wisdom

    The best advice I can give is one I wish I'd received myself. Be a good partner. Sure you may be tired... your spouse may sometimes engage in something you find to be boring. Do it with them anyway. Don't get in the habit of doing things "together but separately." Don't allow your own desires to ever overshadow your marriage. Not to be trite, but there is no "I" in team. I can guarantee you that keeping this in mind will only help mature your love for one another.
  4. sdmsanjose

    sdmsanjose Regular Member

    Keep your priorities from getting out of order

    1 Your relationship with God
    2 Your relationship with your family

    Those priorities will be challenged time and time again
  5. since its a female asking the question, my answer is, be sure that he treats you with love and respect, that he takes the time to understand you as a person. to know that you are both heard and validated by him, and that your feelings, desires, needs, and hurts are cared about by him.
  6. MrSparkle

    MrSparkle New Member

    Both need to put God first before your spouse. Always please God before spouse. This is especially true for the man who assumes the role of leader (by example not dictate). Read the Bible about how you should be. Husband - try to understand your wife. Wife - respect your husband.
    Always speak the truth "in love". The best thing my parents taught me was by their example - soon after an arguement they would cool off then confess to one another for sins, forgive then vow to try harder followed by a tender embrace. They have been married now for 60 years. Wish I could have done this in my marriage.
  7. John-Phillip

    John-Phillip Guest

    I would say:- communicate. Are there things you don't talk about? can't talk about? It won't get easier or that is he won't suddenly be able to speak about things he is now silent about. Go in with your eyes open....Don't assume it will all work out...talk everything through...make talking about intimate things a cornerstone of your marriage...and also pray together regularly....learn to say sorry. Make sure he does too....(If either of you can't talk frankly about sex, can't say sorry, can't pray together then there will be trouble down the line).....You probably do all that anyway!!
  8. Daughter of the King!

    Daughter of the King! New Member

    Make a committment to your marriage, rather than your spouse! Some days your partner will annoy you, misunderstand you etc etc. Some days you may not like your partner that much (but still love them). Committing to your marriage means that you understand this, as everyone is human. This helps get through the bumps in a marriage. This has worked for my husband and I (married 23 yrs happily), and keep God at the centre of your marriage. May God Bless you both
  9. YoDude

    YoDude Junior Member

    Okay, glad this was asked.

    1) Please make sure the man's food is prepared on time and the way he likes it

    2) Clean the house regularly, laundry should be clean at all times

    3) No back talk, when the man speaks, the woman should listen

    4) Guys night out - don't even try to stop this one

    5) Romance - be ready and willing at all times

    Ha, ha, oops, I diverged into a little fantasy. There is one thing that helped me and my wife of 20yrs, see the marriage as an instution under God that is to be respected and fought for. The marriage is not about who is right, it is a contract, you are obligated to make it work, you will have to compromise, you will have to discuss differences. We had a rocky start, but I held fast to my convictions, I made changes so the marriage would be healthy, not just so my wife could 'win' - I think that is an effective attitude and will get you through tough spots. Finally, don't give up on your 'ideal' marriage, but at the same time be realistic - most guys are just like old dogs, they respond very similarly, we really aren't that hard to figure out or manage, we just like a simple routine mostly.
  10. ^_^
  11. snowbirdling

    snowbirdling someone

    New Zealand
    Eastern Orthodox
    Wow, there are some really great answers here, guys. Thanks so much! Keep em coming!
  12. AMR

    AMR Presbyterian (PCA) - Bona Fide Reformed Staff Member Chaplain Supporter

    United States
    The very heart of marriage is a covenant relationship. Just as God reaffirmed His covenant with His people on many occasions, a husband and wife must never lose their commitment to each other. This commitment is not only to your mate, but also to the marriage itself. Commitment goes much deeper than romantic love, and it will empower you to keep an unbreakable covenant with your marriage partner regardless of the unexpected circumstances life will bring.

    The keeping of a marriage covenant requires death to self. Keeping a marriage covenant will require "death to self" through a willingness to make difficult personal sacrifices. As a covenant keeper, you are singly responsible to demonstrate your covenant of love and loyalty even if your mate does not respond as you would like. Developing the strength of character required to keep a lifetime commitment is a continual process of submitting your will to God, allowing Him to develop the character of Christ in you.

    Malachi 2:14-16 (NKJV)
    14 Yet you say, "For what reason?" Because the Lord has been witness Between you and the wife of your youth, With whom you have dealt treacherously; Yet she is your companion And your wife by covenant.
    15 But did He not make them one, Having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring. Therefore take heed to your spirit, And let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth.
    16 "For the Lord God of Israel says That He hates divorce, For it covers one's garment with violence," Says the Lord of hosts. "Therefore take heed to your spirit, That you do not deal treacherously."

    We see from Genesis 2:24, that the marriage is to be exclusive (leaving), enduring (cleaving). and engrafting (uniting).

    Genesis 2:24 (NKJV)
    Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

    Wrong Belief:
    "I have the right to expect my marriage partner to meet my needs. Divorce is better than keeping a loveless marriage together."

    Right Belief
    "God expects me to keep my marriage commitment. I will look to the Lord to provide my deepest needs and allow Christ to love and serve my mate through me."

    "The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." (Matthew 20:28)

    Here is a covenant checklist that you both should consider:

    • Commit to working through problems, not walking away.
    • —Decide together that divorce is not an option.
    • —Agree to communicate feelings honestly and lovingly.
    • —Agree to stop and talk when your mate becomes upset.
    • —Agree to understand the reasons for each other's actions. "Are you married? Do not seek a divorce." (1 Corinthians 7:27)​

    • Offer love to your mate even when you don't feel like it.
    • —Evaluate how your love compares to that described in 1 Corinthians chapter 13. Substitute your name in the place of the word love in verses 4- 8.
    • —Ask, "At what times do I need to be more patient and kind?"
    • —Ask, "Are there times when you feel I've not forgiven you?"
    • —Forgive freely, refusing to keep a record of wrongs. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)​

    • View your marriage as God's setting for spiritual growth.
    • —Evaluate the needs in your life for love, for significance and for security.
    • —Realize that God did not create any one person to meet all of your needs.
    • —While God is your ultimate need-meeter, see your mate as God's gift to meet some of those needs.
    • —Allow your mate to identify and help you with your blind spots. "He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise." (Proverbs 15:31)​

    • Eliminate the emphasis on your rights.
    • —Identify what makes you angry.
    • —Determine what personal rights have been violated.
    • —Sensitively express your honest desires—"It would mean a lot to me if you would take out the trash."
    • —Realize that as a Christian, you've yielded your rights to the Lord. "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in
    you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were
    bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.
    " (1 Corinthians

    • Nurture your identity in Christ.
    • —Evaluate whether or not your sense of self-worth is based on how your mate treats you.
    • —Realize that your true worth is based on Christ's dying for you and living in you.
    • —Read the New Testament letters, such as Ephesians and Philippians.
    • —Write out what it means for you to be "in Christ" and to have "Christ in you."
    Example: "I have Christ's strength to do what is right before God." (Read Philippians 4:13.)
    • —Acknowledge that your true identity is in Christ, not in your mate. "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. " (Galatians 2:20)​

    • Ask God to change you.
    • —Evaluate what areas in your life need changing.
    • —Ask your mate, "Would you name one area in my life where you feel I need the most change?"
    • —Ask your mate, "Would you help me devise a plan for improvement?"
    • —Pray for God to give you the desire and the power to change. "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. " (Psalm 5 1:10)​

    • Nourish your extended family relationships.
    • —Evaluate the tangible and emotional needs of your in-laws.
    • —Do acts of kindness that are totally unexpected.
    • —Realize your opportunity to draw them to Christ through your love.
    • —Commit to never saying an unkind word about your mate's family.
    • —Pray daily for those who have hurt you—forgive and forgive again. ​

    • Turn your expectations over to God.
    • —Evaluate the unrealistic expectations you have had of marriage and of your mate.
    • —Realize that God can bring complete fulfillment to you regardless of your marriage partner.
    • —Believe that your relationship to God is more important than your relationship with your mate.
    • —Thank God that He will work in your marriage for your ultimate good. "My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.... Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. (Psalm 62:1-2, 5)​

    Married to a precious woman for twenty-eight years who still makes me want to be a better man!
  13. snowbirdling

    snowbirdling someone

    New Zealand
    Eastern Orthodox
    Wow, that was a fantastic response, AMR. Thanks so much.

    Already I have messed up on some of those. It is interesting to see how one can anticipate a lot of those things, because those are things we would like our partner to do for us. We just have to keep thinking the other way around.

    I'm going to save your responses on my computer if you don't mind!
  14. AMR

    AMR Presbyterian (PCA) - Bona Fide Reformed Staff Member Chaplain Supporter

    United States
    You are welcome.

    No problem.

    Now for a humorous bit of advice:

    Always remember that the man is the head of the family and the wife is the neck. The neck is the part that turns the head. :)

    for what He did for us,
  15. snowbirdling

    snowbirdling someone

    New Zealand
    Eastern Orthodox
    haha, yeah I also heard a previous pastor say that when he and his wife married, they decided that he would make all the big decisions and she would make all the little decisions. "So far we haven't had a single big decision to make."
  16. Vilnius

    Vilnius Regular Member

    A great book for all couples, married or about to marry, is "Understanding the mind of a Woman" by ken Nair and a similar book in the Every Man series called "Every Man's Marriage." After 11 years of marriage, I can say Nair hits the nail on the head page after page. I think Nair's book is better, but EMM provides good support for what Nair says. I know you don't want to think about some of the hard things in marriage at this blissful time, but I also recomend "Every Man's Battle". Read these two books together, and your marriage will get off to a great start compared to all the others of us who struggled for years and only in some desperation sought the wise counsel in these books. An ounce of prevention....
  17. Easyk

    Easyk Regular Member

    Well make a list of questions..

    1.) goal for next five years, 10 years etc (ie buy a house in 10years or 5 and where you are gonna live.)
    2.) when are you gonna have kids, or if you gonna have kids.
    3.) talk about sexual things, likes dislikes,frequency, things you want to try and him.. things you would consider (both parties).
    4.) any other question you can think of..

    basically having set plans helps

    respect him, dont be-little.. and keep up the good looks (ie the effort you go to present yourself.) be visually generous with your husband (dont hide your form from him.. let him see you getting dressed.) sleep naked together and be open to some fun at night (both parties..)

    never go to bed on an argument, it will fester..

    supprt and stand by each other..

    love is an act of your will (patient,kind, doesnt hold grudges..)

    emotions come and go, up and down like a yo-yo... you are the owner of your emotions so own and control them.
  18. kisapuckett

    kisapuckett Loving God Passionately

    Never remove the 3rd cord (God).
  19. Singermom

    Singermom Newbie

    This is a piece of advice that wasn't given to me, but one that revealed itself early on in our marriage:

    "Figure out your best way to argue."

    Let me explain:

    In my family, conflicts were hit upon immediately, and not let go until there was some kind of resolution. Granted, sometimes things got a little hot (not TOO hot), but that's the way we did things.

    Soon after we were married my husband and I were having an argument. I discovered that HIS way was to draw back for a minute, regroup, and approach it calmly, rationally. Unfortunately, I wouldn't let him! I kept getting in his face, telling him that this HAS to be resolved NOW! My husband got angry and tried to leave to cool off.

    He stepped out the door.

    He tripped over our cat leash on the porch.

    It was raining.

    It wasn't pretty.

    He had landed smack-dab into a puddle.

    He came back inside, his eyes all but shooting sparks. I quietly made him a cup of coffee, set it on the kitchen table, and withdrew into the living room. After he had his coffee and cooled off (and dried off), he came to me and we rationally discussed it.

    I discovered the wisdom of his way on this one. 25 years later, that is still how we resolve arguments...and yes, sometimes that flies into the face of the old advice "don't go to bed angry"...but it works for us.
  20. Conservativation

    Conservativation Well-Known Member

    argue naked