Beneath the Beautiful Face(poem)

[discipleofWORD]

Beneath the Beautiful Face
By: Daniel L. Kim

I see the girl sitting on the bench
Bringing awe and grace to my eyes.
She may seem confident while talking with her friends,
But on the inside is hungering for love and attention.
She may seem satisfied with her successful life,
But on the inside has great hatred and discontent.
She may seem proud of her outer appearance,
But on the inside is yearning for the world’s definition of beauty.
She may seem secured about her upcoming future,
But on the inside is afraid of many things to come.
Now she stands up and departs on her way.
If only I could touch her face with my own hands
So she could be free from her chains that preserve her pain.

 

[yakkmeister]

This:
If only I could touch her face with my own hands
So she could be free from her chains that preserve her pain.

Is creepy.

The poem suffers from rythmic anaemia and complete lack of rhyme.

This poem would probably work better as heroic couplets
or a sonnet; only more logically split:

[outward appearances]

[inward conditions]

[conclusion]

Also you need to be aware of context and tense and so forth; poems still use grammar.

this line:
Bringing awe and grace to my eyes.

Doesn't work, at all.

 

[MaGaZiNa]

I love it!

 

[discipleofWORD]

Thanks magazina!

Well... I don't know if most of you wonder this... but this poem was inspired by seeing this lovely person I know. She seems successful(everything that describes her), but somehow, i noticed she has some hurt and pain inside. She's a deist(someone who believes a God exist...but fail to believe in Jesus)... and even though this is in my point of view(notice the last two lines), this is in Jesus' point of view as well...

writing poems sometimes is annoying! I'm so serious! I know it's awesome to express one's thought. When you start to edit your poem... you don't know if this is this or that is that... so many hidden errors...@_@!!! How is it possible to publish poetry if there are always hidden errors. Sorry about my little "breakout"... poetry is just a mystery when it comes to editing..

 

[yakkmeister]

Thanks magazina!

Well... I don't know if most of you wonder this... but this poem was inspired by seeing this lovely person I know. She seems successful(everything that describes her), but somehow, i noticed she has some hurt and pain inside. She's a deist(someone who believes a God exist...but fail to believe in Jesus)... and even though this is in my point of view(notice the last two lines), this is in Jesus' point of view as well...

writing poems sometimes is annoying! I'm so serious! I know it's awesome to express one's thought. When you start to edit your poem... you don't know if this is this or that is that... so many hidden errors...@_@!!! How is it possible to publish poetry if there are always hidden errors. Sorry about my little "breakout"... poetry is just a mystery when it comes to editing..

Indeed: a mystery it is.
However, contrary to popular belief, poetry is a highly structured art.
This makes finding and correcting errors so much easier.

I would hazzard to guess that most published poetry (that is published based on the merit of the poem, not the poet) is written in some structured form.

I have seen stuff passed of as poetry that isn't, like this:

this it not
a poem. You
see; it makes no
sense and is simply
a bunch of
normal writing
with really badly placed
line breaks.

And
it isn't a
poem.

Also; changing the syntax of your writing won't make it poetry either; it can make you sound like yoda though ...

this is normal syntax.
yoda syntax this is.

Poetry has 3 major aspects that prose does not:
Structure (rhyme, rythm and meter)
Poetic devices (Metaphor, similie, personification, alitteration etc ...)
comression (making a point, sharply)

A poem can waffle on: but it would normally be that the point being made was somehow assossiated with waffling.
A poem about being in love could make good use of that.
A poem about rocks could not.

The poetic devices are not exclusive to poetry: prose can use them, but poetry is defined by them.

Thats about all I can think of ...
Hope it helps you to sharpen your critical eye.

 

[discipleofWORD]

Hmm....

Thanks for the insight yakkmeister even though it's somewhat complex. I thought poetry doesn't really have to rhyme. That's how modern poetry works. Or so I thought. What is poetry... great... I feel like I'm asking a 1,000 year old question.

yakkmeister, are you a poetry teacher? An English teacher? Your knowledge arouses me greatly.

 

[yakkmeister]

Am I a poetry teacher?
No.
English teacher?
No.

I am married to a soon-to-be english teacher; and i mark much harder than she

No; I read alot and I have been tutored by some very good writers and critics. But; the level of literacy that I possess is less than I'd like.

On to what poetry is:
Poetry is, invariably, an expression.
However; it is a particular type of expression.

Like the difference between what is called 'modern art' (most of which is utter garbage) and the traditional styles; so too does 'freeverse' poetry pervert the essence of the more traditional forms of poetry.

Traditional forms of poetry are so much harder to write well, so too with painting. They take much more time and devotion on the part of the poet. However, once mastered, each form becomes as breathing, and the poetry more and more delightful.

On the otherhand: just as little effort yeilds little gain; so too does little poetic inspiration and device yeild poor poetry.

It is true that rhymeless, rythmless or 'poor' poetry is technically poetry.

However, it is better to write a meaningful poem that has structure and rythm without rhyme than a poem that is little more than thoughts on a page.

Basically, poetry is about making others feel what you feel; evocation, building a picture in the mind of the reader.
That is what poetry has to achieve if it is to be 'worth reading' as it were.

Yeah ... I hope that helps.
You can always PM me on specific details.