being single sucks

[PaladinValer]

I am NOT looking for a guy to make me happy and to love myself! How many times do I have to tell you this?!

...you never said or claimed...anything...of the sort. You never said or did or didn't in your post...so...why are you getting upset over?

Shut up and go away if you're not even going to read the post!

Look at your own post and tell us where you gave any indication whatsoever of wanting to look for a guy like that or not at all. No one can logical insinuate anything you are accusing "you" over at all; it wouldn't make logical sense.

Quit twisting it around to believe what you want it to believe, what you think is there as opposed to what is ACTUALLY there!

You're right...no one except you was there...but I personally never knew there was a "there" to begin with since there is no "there" in your post. How can I or anyone else comment on a "there" that isn't relayed in your post?

It's difficult for me to accept myself when the things I like about myself offend others;

You didn't offend me (at least); but it seems like you are attempting to have your cake and eat it too. You say you are jealous but are unhappy about the prospect of being single for life.

Let's put it this way: you are going to have to remain celibate anyway until you are married, so what is the point of getting worked up over things anyway? Cooperate with God and discern; if you have discerned you are called to be married, then you need to cooperate with Him and start going through the motions of establishing a relationship with someone. While it is technically possible, God probably isn't going to just drop someone off at the doorpost, figuratively speaking.

I can understand your anxiety, but also, if you haven't yet been in any truly serious relationships (ie: engaged or serious/steady boyfriend for more than a year, say), how do you know what it will truly be like? Now if you have, then of course my point is moot and void, but if not, be careful of accepting everything you see or hear.

...and if anyone is curious, yes, I personally had a relationship at one time in my life. It ended. We both moved on. In any event, I do have a little experience in the matter.

I can't just blow it off, because these ppl are close to me, and I actually give a crap about them, what they think etc.

Well, that can be good or bad. Moderation is key. We should think about how people think about us because it helps us discern our current selves and situation. However, it shouldn't be the driving force of our lives: we are all individuals who are truly unique and have a function all our own. The Church is corporate because it is made up of many members. True individualism, as I like to say, shines greatest in the group, not alone. We emphasize the group, but it is only as strong as the individuals who make it up.

So yes, keep them in mind, but don't be too needy for their thoughts about you. If they are your friends, they don't care whether you are single or not, or get married or remain celibate or not. It shouldn't matter. You are more than either of those callings. If they can't see past that, (again, if) then you need to seriously reconsider whether they are friends at all.

If I look for a guy at church, I'm using the church as a dating ground, a guy as an idol before God. If I serve and happen to meet or look for a guy while serving, my motives for serving are impure, totally defeats the purpose of doing so. If I date I'm 'not trusting in God'. What is left?!

Well...hold on. While the Church isn't a dating service, there is nothing sinful or wrong in finding a husband (or wife for the gents out there) at church. Relationships are part of what the Church is about. You will meet new people all the time when you attend church; people visit or join, or you meet a whole new set if you switch churches due to conversion, move, etc. Yes, your focus during worship is on God, but most parishes and churches have fellowship and other functions besides worship.

There's is nothing wrong with dating. My Anglican Church has no issues with it at all, nor do most major name churches or denominations out there. Whoever says there is...avoid them!

I never said I don't have issues, I'm well aware of them, and I fully acknowledge them; I'm not blaming others for being honest about my problems, life issues etc. and I'm getting sick of being told that because I'm being honest, that's what I'm doing.

Honesty is good and anger can even be healthy sometimes, but let's not direct it at the wrong things.

Celibacy to me sucks! If you like it fine, but I don't! I'm not denying there are good parts to being single, I ACKNOWLEDGED THAT POINT BLANK!

No one is questioning that you think celibacy/singleness has good qualities, but what is being questioned is whether you are willing to admit or not that God might have alternative plans for you.

That can be infuriating. I should know. I wasn't really pleased at first when I realized I was called to be a celibate. I had lifelong dreams of having a wife and three kids; I imagined what it would be like for many, many years. Then, poof; I realized it wasn't to be because God had a different plan for me. Yup, I was rather ticked at first, but after my rage I came to realize, slowly but surely, that to fight what God wants for me is foolish. So instead, I embraced it, and for the last several years, I have found renewed faith, stronger than ever.

Now, that doesn't mean you are called to be a celibate, but that you might be. That isn't my discernment to make; I had all the "fun" in the world often during mine. It is yours' and yours' alone to make.

However looking at all the great parts there are to being single doesn't cancel out all the things that SUCK about it!

Don't forget all the sucky things that go along with being married. Trust me; they are there. I've personally heard from many devorcees how happy they are being single again and will never marry again.

If I was using a relationship as idolatry before God, I'd be living vicariously by constantly going on dating sites, dating the first guy I see, constantly reading romance novels etc. none of which I do.

Might I ask who is telling you not to date? I know some Fundamentalist and Evangelical congregations and denominations frown on it or even call it sinful. Personally, I would ignore at least that particular teaching of theirs'. There is nothing wrong with going on a date. None.

Dating is not idolatry. Just saying it to make it clear.

The standards I have for guys are a real down to earth Christian guy; whose love and faith for God etc. are real, they practice what they preach etc.

All well and good, but we all fall short. Don't make things impossible. We are all hypocrites because we all sin. The chief thing to look for is whether they are struggling faithfully. If they do, then you still got a potential winner. If not, then apply your stipulation and move on; you'd be justified.

W/old church I went to, it's an unwritten rule that you befriend Christians of the same sex; if you don't, then Christians look at you like you're weird.

I'd avoid places like that myself.

It's frustrating to me, that 'you want to find a Christian guy, find one'. However if you happen to meet one, try to meet one at church, your'e using it as a dating ground. If you happen to look/meet a guy while serving w/ministry, 'oh your motives are impure, and totally defeats the purpose of serving etc. ' If you date 'you're not trusting God'. What is left?!

As I said before, I have no clue who told you dating is wrong, but shame on them.

Furhtermore, the worship must focus on God, but my parish has a lot of activities plus coffee hour after each liturgy. People meet and greet all the time. Many relationships, if not marriages, have been forged and strengthened and enjoyed at those events. I wouldn't be surprised if people found their married partner there in the past or in the future, and there'd be no problem with that.

The Church isn't a dating service, yes, but it isn't a place of lifeless individuals without passions. What is said, is don't expect it, but don't not look after worship is over.

Christians say live happy be happy, etc. However because I don't spend 24/7 burning myself out serving others, I'm being selfish and my love for God faith for him etc. isn't real etc. Part of serving others is taking care of yourself, taking time out for yourself so you can serve others.

I agree. Everyone does need some time for themselves.

I really don't get the get the issue of if guys keep rejecting you, you're doing something that is turning them off. I see no point in being fake, if they're really that 'into me' as a mate, they'll accept me as I am. This isn't saying that gives me cart blanche to act however I want, not be accountable etc.

Well, because if they keep rejecting you, you should do some self-evaluation. Relationship is a two-worded word (relation + ship); you need both to make the word spell right. Likewise, it takes cooperation to make something work between two individuals. That means give and take and not look for absolute perfection as well as not make impossible expectations. If guys (or girls, for the guys) keep rejecting the gals, the gals (guys) need to seriously do some self-discernment.

Yes, sometimes it is solely the other party. But each time? No.

I get real love isn't like love in a fairy tale, and it requires work sacrifice etc. I know you take the good with the bad etc.

To me the 'good parts' about being single still make me long for a relationship even more. I have to do everything by myself (chores and even stuff that I enjoy). It gets very lonely doing everything by yourself incessantly.

Keeping busy is good; it does help with anxiety and provides a positive focus. However, based on what you've just said, a few bits of advice:

1. Ignore the people who say dating is bad. It isn't
2. Take the time during fellowship and non-worship events to meet new people.
3. Don't make impossible expectations. We're all sinners and hypocrites; each time we sin, it is hypocrisy, because it goes against what we belief. Accept those who faithfully struggle; it may be that you could be more than just their future mate, but the one to help him increasingly overcome the struggle! Now there's ministry! And it helps build a great relationship!

 

[chaoticfirefly]

Being single isn't bad nor is being in a relationship.

My advice? Go out and meet people, join a Christian dating website! Talk to people before and after service. Be positive, be interested in what they have to say. Come off like you like yourself, compliment someone. Smile at a guy you're interested in.

Don't wait for someone to take the initiative, ask someone if they would like to go out for a cup of coffee or something. Ask someone for their number.

And do not let fear rule your life.

Okay, yeah, you'll get rejected? You can say you tried. Don't let that deter you. Put yourself out there, don't wait for it to happen.

Also, put God before your relationship. Ask Him to guide you to the right person. If you only seek for a relationship, and forget about Him, fate and relationships seem to have a cruel and funny way of avoiding you. Keep God first, but still be actively seeking.

 

[Musician4Jesus]

Um yeah I did try; I was in a serious relationship for 2-3 years (no I'm not in it now).

I'm not rejected by guys, they just don't notice me period; they drop no hints that they're interested in me etc.

What I was referring to with what was 'there' wasn't there as in a situation etc. in real for me.

I was referring to what was written; it wasn't directed towards you, it was directed towards somebody else who posted on the thread, sorry for not clarifying who it was directed towards.

I'm still confused about the 'pursuit of a relationship'. People are saying there is nothing wrong with dating etc. but yet at the same time, if I make an attempt to do so, I'm using it as idolatry before God.

Um no some ppl who are lonely, aren't just making any attempt to not make friends network etc. Some ppl suck with socializing, that's not an excuse it's the reality of things. I know this because such is the case for me; I can socialize but it's not easy for me no matter how hard I try. No I'm not using it as a crutch, it's just something that has always been a struggle for me since I was kid. I've improved w/it, but it's still hard.

 

[Strider1002]

You can pursue a relationship without making an idol of it. The thing to keep in mind is, as I mentioned earlier, that it won't make you perfectly happy or fulfill all your needs; only God can do that. If you keep your priorities straight, it won't be idolatry. I'd just recommend that you make sure your walk with God is as strong as it can be before you start pursuing a relationship.

 

[Pal Handy]

I am NOT looking for a guy to make me happy and to love myself! How many times do I have to tell you this?! Shut up and go away if you're not even going to read the post! Quit twisting it around to believe what you want it to believe, what you think is there as opposed to what is ACTUALLY there!

Proverbs 21:19
Better to dwell in the wilderness, Than with a contentious and angry woman.

 

[PaladinValer]

I'm not rejected by guys, they just don't notice me period; they drop no hints that they're interested in me etc.

Relationships, as you know, take time. Just make friends first, and see what happens.

What I was referring to with what was 'there' wasn't there as in a situation etc. in real for me.

Okay.

I was referring to what was written; it wasn't directed towards you, it was directed towards somebody else who posted on the thread, sorry for not clarifying who it was directed towards.

It was difficult to tell, but sometimes it does feel like the world is against us. One of the greatest Saints, St. Athanasius (a great defender of the Holy Trinity), was said to be contra mundum (Latin: "against the world"), so I assumed that was possibly why. Evidentally, I was mistaken.

I'm still confused about the 'pursuit of a relationship'. People are saying there is nothing wrong with dating etc. but yet at the same time, if I make an attempt to do so, I'm using it as idolatry before God.

Look, I don't know where you get a lot of these ideas from, but there is nothing wrong with dating, hanging out with boys, holding hands, etc. So long as you have no lusts and keep things clean and honest, you are fine. Hey, hit a bar if you don't mind that scene. There is nothing wrong with pursuing a relationship. If you are called by God to be married, you need to be doing so! That's part of cooperation with God the Holy Spirit.

Um no some ppl who are lonely, aren't just making any attempt to not make friends network etc. Some ppl suck with socializing, that's not an excuse it's the reality of things. I know this because such is the case for me; I can socialize but it's not easy for me no matter how hard I try. No I'm not using it as a crutch, it's just something that has always been a struggle for me since I was kid. I've improved w/it, but it's still hard.

Have you considered taking "baby steps"? Invite a few of your close friends on a night out, perhaps hit a bar or two, or a fun event like a concert, etc. Some place where there will be a lot of people. Psychologically, you'll be more at ease since you will have people you know with you, and that is comforting.

If you don't mind me asking, have you been diagnosed with a disability? There are a number of social quirks (I really despise the word "disorder" as there is nothing truly "disordered" about it) that some people have at birth. Even if you don't, a trip to the psychologist to talk to a professional about your social skills isn't a bad idea.

Keep the group small and go and have fun.

 

[Musician4Jesus]

I know I suck with socializing, I have aspergers, which is a mild form of Autism; it didn't help that I didn't receive the diagnosis until my mid 20's (2009).

The way others enjoy socializing (going to parties or 'entertainment events....a concert, play, etc.) bores me to tears. I just feel awkward and out of place at such events.

Yes I've tried socializing; I can make small talk w/ppl though it's not very interesting to me. I can have a conversation but the other person has to initiate it. Whenever I try to start a conversation I feel very out of place awkward etc.

People who are my age, I can't relate to them at all; they're married/raising families and working. Either that or they're in college, etc. I can't find people my age who share my interests; this includes male Christians too.
I have to have some common ground w/them besides 'we're just Christians' (similarities w/theology, similar sense of humor, somewhat similar way of thinking, and some sort of hobby/interest in common).

Bars don't interest me, I hate the taste of any type of alcohol/spirit.

They already have their own social circles. What close friends? I don't know anybody from dodge here; yes I've tried to make friends, but they become so busy with their own lives, schedules etc. I get blown off.

In regards to communication etc. with friends, I'm willing to work around their schedule priorities, etc. because I have loads of time on my hands.

I don't think that dating is wrong. However many of my Christian friends were raised w/very conservative beliefs, and brought up in southern baptist congregations. They believe in 'courting'. The whole idea of courting really disgusts me because it's so old fashioned and unrealistic; this isn't the 1800's.

The idea of waiting until marriage for your first kiss is a noble concept and all, but again this is so unrealistic.

I don't know where Christians get this idea that in order to be chaste it means abstaining of all physical affection that if you engage in anything beyond a peck on the cheek holding hands etc. that you are 'committing the sin of lust' or 'tempting yourself and setting yourself up to sin'.

The only friends that I do have live in different states. I can't visit them in person incessantly, finances won't allow it. As far as trying to contact them via facebook, e-mail etc. they are so busy w/their own lives they never return contact. Being busy justifies blowing somebody off, being rude, etc. and it ticks me off.

I'm not asking for their whole friendship etc. to revolve around my life, I'm asking them to make an effort, and they don't even do that much.

One of the things that frustrates me is the reality that many CHristians view socializing/fellowship as purely entertainment. This in and of itself there is no issue with. However if you won't even get together to discuss more
'deep' parts of life, then I'm not really going to be interested in socializing with you in all honesty.

I also don't like the idea of large groups of casual friends, because there is just no connection and development of friendships. When you have a huge group of friends it's impossible to develop a decent friendship w/all of them, there just too many ppl you're interacting with, and the 'friends' turn into just random strangers.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

I'm still confused about the 'pursuit of a relationship'. People are saying there is nothing wrong with dating etc. but yet at the same time, if I make an attempt to do so, I'm using it as idolatry before God.

People like that say it because either they have skewed beliefs or because they have dating issues so therefor they try to make everyone else feel bad about dating.

 

[PaladinValer]

I know I suck with socializing, I have aspergers, which is a mild form of Autism; it didn't help that I didn't receive the diagnosis until my mid 20's (2009).

Experts aren't sure if it is a form of autism or not (there's debate), although all are convinced they are related.

But yes, I am more than familiar with it.

The way others enjoy socializing (going to parties or 'entertainment events....a concert, play, etc.) bores me to tears. I just feel awkward and out of place at such events.

That's why you should go with the friends you do have or people you know you can trust.

Yes I've tried socializing; I can make small talk w/ppl though it's not very interesting to me. I can have a conversation but the other person has to initiate it. Whenever I try to start a conversation I feel very out of place awkward etc.

That's part of Asperger's, but it is something that you can learn to handle. Many Aspies develop skills necessary to deal with social situations; it is vital they do.

People who are my age, I can't relate to them at all; they're married/raising families and working. Either that or they're in college, etc. I can't find people my age who share my interests; this includes male Christians too.

Broaden your horizons. Part of the challenge Aspies face is to go outside the comfort zone. Life isn't going to allow you to "hide," so you need to start practicing the skills you need. Yes, that is going to be hard, but if you utilize the abilities that Asperger's also includes, it will make your challenges easier to face. Having your friends you trust around helps a lot as well.

I have to have some common ground w/them besides 'we're just Christians' (similarities w/theology, similar sense of humor, somewhat similar way of thinking, and some sort of hobby/interest in common).

Bars don't interest me, I hate the taste of any type of alcohol/spirit.

No one say you had to drink. Drinking isn't the goal; socializing is. And not everyone at a pub or bar actually drinks alcohol; many go there just for the atmosphere.

They already have their own social circles. What close friends? I don't know anybody from dodge here; yes I've tried to make friends, but they become so busy with their own lives, schedules etc. I get blown off.

That's an excuse, and, forgive me, I rather know. Truth is, I'm an Aspie as well, so I've said all the excuses before. Trust me.

You can make friends if you try to. That's hard, no question. Do it anyway. You say next that you have the flexibility with time, but you need to make it clear that you want to be with them and just have fun. That means doing what they want to do too. That means being able to go outside your own comfort zone...that's the real flexibility you require. Bloody hard, I know, but you can do it.

I don't think that dating is wrong. However many of my Christian friends were raised w/very conservative beliefs, and brought up in southern baptist congregations. They believe in 'courting'. The whole idea of courting really disgusts me because it's so old fashioned and unrealistic; this isn't the 1800's.

Well, with all due respect, they are wrong. You don't need to drop them as friends, but you do need to find new ones that don't have that particular incorrect theology.

The idea of waiting until marriage for your first kiss is a noble concept and all, but again this is so unrealistic.

I personally see no harm in a peck or smooch either. So long as the relationship remains "kosher," I see no harm at all.

I don't know where Christians get this idea that in order to be chaste it means abstaining of all physical affection that if you engage in anything beyond a peck on the cheek holding hands etc. that you are 'committing the sin of lust' or 'tempting yourself and setting yourself up to sin'.

As I said, their theology is off. It is called "Pietism" and it is a disgrace. Ignore it.

The only friends that I do have live in different states. I can't visit them in person incessantly, finances won't allow it. As far as trying to contact them via facebook, e-mail etc. they are so busy w/their own lives they never return contact. Being busy justifies blowing somebody off, being rude, etc. and it ticks me off.

Which is all the more reason to find additional new ones.

I'm not asking for their whole friendship etc. to revolve around my life, I'm asking them to make an effort, and they don't even do that much.

Yup; I know the feeling. Drives you crazy. But, people do have their own lives to live too, and they have their own pressing matters. Part of being an Aspie is the challenge to not be offended when none is given in matters like that. My friends aren't always there either as much as I would like, but I understand why that is. It is still difficult for me at times, but I have learned to accept and have alternatives when necessary. You can develop those skills too...and you need to, because you will drive yourself crazy if you don't. That isn't said to be rude or accusing, but it is a trait of Asperger's that must be challenged and battled on a daily basis.

One of the things that frustrates me is the reality that many CHristians view socializing/fellowship as purely entertainment. This in and of itself there is no issue with. However if you won't even get together to discuss more 'deep' parts of life, then I'm not really going to be interested in socializing with you in all honesty.

Again, broaden your horizons. I have my comfort zones too...and I have extended them. Meet the challenge, head on. I know you can do it.

I also don't like the idea of large groups of casual friends, because there is just no connection and development of friendships. When you have a huge group of friends it's impossible to develop a decent friendship w/all of them, there just too many ppl you're interacting with, and the 'friends' turn into just random strangers.

But that is part of friendship; some you don't know as much as others, but you still like them, still want to be with them, still enjoy time being with them, etc. The term "golden" and "silver" friends rings quite true.

While many Aspies are called to be celibates, many are also called to be married. I'm one who was called to be a celibate, and it is part of the reason how I discerned I was indeed so called. Yet I know of people with Asperger's who are in loving, stable marriages, so it wasn't the "defining point" of my discernment; it was just a part of it.

What you need to do is begin to develop the skills you need to function in a social world. Facebook doesn't count, because it isn't "live". Broaden your horizons, meet new people, get out of your comfort zone by asking the friends you have to do something they like to do and dare yourself to have a good time. You'll end up doing exactly that if you let yourself and if you continue to practice and develop your social skills.

I have 30 years of experience and I was diagnosed young. If I can do it, so can you.

 

[vortigen84]

Um yeah I did try; I was in a serious relationship for 2-3 years (no I'm not in it now).

Yet no marriage came out of this "serious" relationship of three years?

What happened?

I'm not rejected by guys, they just don't notice me period; they drop no hints that they're interested in me etc.

You're a 28-year old single female, as well as a musician. I find it difficult to believe that guys don't notice you. They may not tell you, however, for various reasons. If there's something in your character which is a turnoff, they may not bother to go beyond merely noticing you. For example, if you're very moody, don't smile, seem standoffish or so on. This is why you need a good friend who won't hold back on pointing out your flaws when need be. We are often blind to our own flaws.

You also don't need hints at this stage; if a man is serious, he should communicate what's on his mind in a more straightforward manner than "hinting". Leave hints for marriage, when a serious relationship is already built up. Otherwise it's not serious (eg., just a friendship), or he's just mucking you around.

I'm still confused about the 'pursuit of a relationship'. People are saying there is nothing wrong with dating etc. but yet at the same time, if I make an attempt to do so, I'm using it as idolatry before God.

That's unreasonable and sounds more like OCD to me, to be honest.

Look at the following and assess whether this is you:

1 Corinthians 7:9

But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.​

Judging from your OP, it sure seems that you're feeling desperate. Are you burning with passion, as Paul puts it? Sounds to me like you're frustrated about being single, so for you marriage would be God's will rather than idolatry: "they should marry."

Um no some ppl who are lonely, aren't just making any attempt to not make friends network etc. Some ppl suck with socializing, that's not an excuse it's the reality of things. I know this because such is the case for me; I can socialize but it's not easy for me no matter how hard I try. No I'm not using it as a crutch, it's just something that has always been a struggle for me since I was kid. I've improved w/it, but it's still hard.

Shy people get married all the time.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Yet no marriage came out of this "serious" relationship of three years?

What happened?

Well to be fair everyone is diffrent. Some I know meet and within a week marry. Some date for years before getting engaged then wait more years to get married. Just depends on the person. Me...I commit fast. I had another fiance before this and asked her to marry me within 2 months of knowing her. My current fiance I asked her after a month.

In my head, if things seem to be going right (And we've met to make sure we work still). I will ask for a womans hand in marriage. Its not that hard, but I realize I am uniqe it seems. I commit no matter who I am with. Well commit in terms of making something work, because I know there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. Its why the last 3/4 women I've been with all left me instead. They gave up to easily (mainly because they lie and cheated on me).

They have to live with their leaving, not me. I take pride knowing I don't fold easily. And with my current fiance shes the same way. We work well, don't argue at all. I read her the wedding vows (default ones) and told her I vow them even before marriage because this is a very serious thing to me. She found that to be very romantic and genuine.

For example, if you're very moody, don't smile, seem standoffish or so on. This is why you need a good friend who won't hold back on pointing out your flaws when need be. We are often blind to our own flaws.

This is true. THere were a few girls I liked when I was younger but I avoided saying anything to them really because their outside appearence turned me off. My first "crush" whom I really wanted to be with. I came close to asking to be her BF, but I overheard her saying she disliked disabled people because they are sinners if they are still disabled. >.<

Shy people get married all the time.

lol true too. I may be...vocal on here but in real life I'm the guy sitting in the corner of a room during a party. I'm shy and meek in real life. Which sometimes does work against you when wanting a relationship. But theres always someone looking for people who are shy.

I think sadly the world has stereotyped people to much when it comes to beign wtih someone. If your shy they assume you won't stand up for yourself or are not sociable. If your to outspoken they think your a trouble maker and gosspier. If you are to smart they assume you have an ego. If you aren't that smart they think your to stupid to be wtih.

So many annoying stereotypes. People need to look past the outside and even what "seems to be" and look at that heart or the eyes. I have the gift of discernment and I don't even have to speak to someone, I can just look in their eyes and its like I'm being told a story about them. As the saying goes, the eyes are the window to the soul. The eyes often show you the persons heart too.

 

[Itagaki]

Being single could be the Lord's will for you.

Embrace your cross. Amen.

 

[Phoenix92885]

Being single works for some people but obviously not for you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that God designed us, like you said, to be with someone. You need to get yourself out there and get to looking. Gaurd your heart and your innocence though. Don't rush into anything. I wish you the best of luck!

Phoenix