Being single - blessing, joy and challenges ?

[wwjosh19]

I heard about Paul's gift as being single that allowed him more time to serve God and accomplished so much. I really like to comprehend how he handled such challenge so well. As a divorcee after 28 years of marriage, 2 failed relationships, I no longer have any expectation in a married relationship. I experience the liberty, and happiness (use the term loosely) of being single. I recall how a friend (who also was in the middle of a divorce at the time) encouraged me by saying " once you are single, Godly women will be everywhere to meet you ." Well, that was a few years ago, my friend remarried and divorced again after a rather expensive and messy legal proceeding. He is brave and dates again. Personally I have no illusion of any marriage again. I miss the intimacy but anything outside marriage is not biblical. Will that be nice to have intimacy outside marriage ? She has my place and I have mine. But that is not biblical. So that is no win situation for singles.

I deal with my challenge by focusing in serving others. Building up skills in area that will make a difference when the dark days come (construction, medical emergency training, information technology) and volunteering for charity organizations. I hope I will not be here to live the day when " ..no one can buy or sale without the mark of the beast." With how the world is heading, there is good chance we will live through it. And when that day come, the Christian community should have all kind of skill sets to survive the hardships outside the system.

I do believe everything happens for a reason. God will not waste time in suffering (even most of our pain is self inflicted). Roman 8:28, Psalm 144:1, 2 Corinthians 4:8-10 are those scriptures that sustain me. even I feel cynical, bitter and down right disappointed, there is this flicker of hope that God will use me. Just have to compartment your pain and soldier on.

Like to hear how you deal with being single and how to channel loneness into positive energy.

Love the lyrics of this beautiful Irish song " be thou my Vision "

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

 

[dayhiker]

There are a lot of singles in your situation. I too was married for 28 yrs before my divorce.
I'm very social. I felt God was leading me to be a friend of people.
I'm really impressed with the volunteer work you do.
As for intimacy I can't express my views on this here.

 

[Messy]

Like to hear how you deal with being single and how to channel loneness into positive energy.

I love the freedom and my kids are young and are here half the time and I have a job those days, I only felt lonely when they were not here, but since yesterday, first I was so restless and feeling lonely, couldn't sleep when I was alone, had to post all the time and now I thought: If I'd have a man, I'd spend hours a day with him, why can the Bridegroom only get some lousy spare moments? So I repented and asked Him to come in and we have a meal together and He cooks lol, it is just gone all at once. I feel His Presence all the time, peace. I just soak in His Presence, put on worship music, fellowship with believers on cf. First Love is getting back. We all long for love. They were marrying and giving into marriage, it doesn't fulfill. The woman at the well with the 5 men found what could really fulfill her, me too. He can really take away the loneliness.

 

[wwjosh19]

The Bible is full of metaphors using marriage. Feel a bit odd, as a man to think of Jesus as my spouse but spiritually it is quite appropriate. With Jesus as our spouse is away on a trip and one day He will be back to take us home and be with us forever. In the mean time, as His " spouse" I need to be faithful and pure, keep His household in order and take care of His property and His investment - meaning to do good and help others and share the good news with other people. The other side of the coin is, as we lust over earthly things, we betray our spouse meaning Jesus.

One marriage metaphor that is so beautiful is Revelation 21: 1-4 describing the new heaven and new earth, the new Jerusalem coming down from heaven, beautifully dressed as a bride for her husband.

 

[miss-a]

I have many things and people to fill up my time and to serve. I also write and this takes a lot of time and requires being alone. And I'm currently doing CEUs required for my nutritional certification. My friend says that if I had a husband these things would be much more difficult to accomplish, or at least I'd have less time to devote to them. I'm not sure if she's right, but unless the Lord sends a husband, I won't know that. I often think that having someone around would motivate me to express myself in these ways, but only the Lord knows.

I enjoy hanging out with the Lord alone, and some of my outdoor activities I enjoy doing alone, kayaking with no one to distract me from the sights and my thoughts and conversations with the Lord. I actually prefer going to church alone for that reason, no one to pull my from my train of thought about what the Lord has shared with me during the sermon.

But I do also have the lonely times. Generally, I handle them by trying to stay busy, which I'm finally realizing doesn't work. Something feels all clogged up and stuck until I realize that I'm trying to avoid the feeling of loneliness and it's evil twin, sadness. Once I accept those, then I can move on while feeling sad, doing my writing and studying, and hanging out with friends and having alone time with the Lord. I talk with the Lord about the sadness but generally not others, only because while I appreciate the well meaning words, I don't think they really understand, and I don't always want to hear, "It only takes one," and "some day" and all those things, which are very true, because I don't want to use those things to pretend I don't feel sad when I do. It seems a crucial element to getting the sadness to pass is admitting it.

I'm actually in one of those sad seasons right now. And it's okay. I'll finish my edits this afternoon, tidy the kitchen, scoop the litter box, workout, and whatever else needs doing. I'll just admit to myself that I'm sad while I'm doing them, because I've realized that it's just as crucial to not let the sadness overcome my expression of who I am, who God made me to be, as it is to not let those expressions create a diversion from the truth, the truth that I honestly thought I'd have a wonderful Christian mate by now, and I don't, the truth that this whole Christian dating scene isn't at all what I thought it would be and right now feels quite brutal. I need to admit all that, but I can't let the sadness become me, or overcome me. It's just an experience I'm having and have had before, and I know it will pass.

So, I'm now going to make a quick, nutritious lunch. What will it be? Ah, warm miso potato salad with some soy milk for protein. (Thanks for lunch, Lord!) That'll work. Then I'll do my edits, reward myself with my favorite workout while allowing myself to wonder what's the matter with those guys. And finally, I'll try to bargain with the cat that if she'll clean the kitchen, I'll scoop the poo box!

 

[wwjosh19]

Yes, Miss-a, that is well said, dating scene or having a mate may not be what it cut out to be. After my divorce and a brief relationship, I finally thought I met my God soul mate. I do not know why or how, may be just the baggage from previous marriage, I concluded that this is not going to work. I am in good term with my (after all the finance and legal things are out of the way), we are friends and have peace. A lot of Christian I know or read re-married, somehow I just can not do it. Once married, always married seem ingrained in my psyche. I kept busy with hobbies (no cates, but a 75 gallon tank with guppies and 2 red-ear turtles, hiking, biking and gardening) and charity work. I feel content and thankful. But there are those quiet moments when you are by yourself and a void and emptiness that can not be felt. I try to feel that Jesus is all I need. But down inside, you still nlong for the special relationship, that fragance and hug only the other gender can provide. May be man (at elast for me) are wired differently that it is hard not to have intimate relationship. So whetehr single or married, each one has its own down side. All in all, if I have to choose, single it is. Indeed more time to do your own things. When I go home, I do not have to check with the mate what she like fro dinner, or what to do in the evening. I am who I am at home.

Well, I went to Cosi for lunch a signature salad and a good sandwich, back to the daily grind in the office. Then may be tonight I will have a hot bowl of pho for dinner. To be contend and thankful are key pillar of happiness. Enjoy what God has given us whatever it is. Father knows best.

 

[quietpraiyze]

Hi wwjosh19 and welcome to the forum!

I'm happily single by choice. I have never married although I've been asked on several occasions. I am content through and through. So loneliness hasn't been a part of my life for well over maybe a decade and a half. It's a long story but once I understood some things including doctrinal, it made all the difference in my life. I also think there has to be a renewing of the mind in Christ. I'm a true believer that wherever your mind is, your body will follow. If I'm challenged, it would probably be to be more social. While I think I have a good balance of relationships in my life, I've had people call me a hermit or mysterious but I like not always being available. It works for me. ​

 

[iambren]

I feel that I have the worst of situations. I married the woman I loved and dated 5 years,had two children,divorced after 15 years (cause is long story) and now I am 6 years out. The problem is that in the bottom of the well of my soul is a stubborn love for her...still.

I don't want to be single. I miss sex,the intimacy of experiencing life together,partnering through the years. How can I love another with that "well" stuff there? Could my ex turn? With loneliness I live with confusion. Paul commended the non-married call. I don't have it yet go to work every day with an aching heart.

 

[Messy]

I feel that I have the worst of situations. I married the woman I loved and dated 5 years,had two children,divorced after 15 years (cause is long story) and now I am 6 years out. The problem is that in the bottom of the well of my soul is a stubborn love for her...still.

I don't want to be single. I miss sex,the intimacy of experiencing life together,partnering through the years. How can I love another with that "well" stuff there? Could my ex turn? With loneliness I live with confusion. Paul commended the non-married call. I don't have it yet go to work every day with an aching heart.

That's hard. I couldn't do that. I just asked God what He wanted, lol, he didn't want at all, but I just asked. He didn't want me to go back to him or look for someone else, then sometimes you can feel lonely, but you can move on with your life.

 

[ToBeBlessed]

I feel that I have the worst of situations. I married the woman I loved and dated 5 years,had two children,divorced after 15 years (cause is long story) and now I am 6 years out. The problem is that in the bottom of the well of my soul is a stubborn love for her...still.

I don't want to be single. I miss sex,the intimacy of experiencing life together,partnering through the years. How can I love another with that "well" stuff there? Could my ex turn? With loneliness I live with confusion. Paul commended the non-married call. I don't have it yet go to work every day with an aching heart.

I feel more like the way you do (minus the ex). Lonliness can be every bit as real as lust and can be devastating. When you are lonely for intimacy, real intimacy and sharing your life again like you did in the past, that is not an emotion that we can just shut down and turn off. I might even think that I lust for it (the intimacy and sharing of my life) more than sex. Lust does not always need to be thought of as sexual.

I am very happy for all of those who feel content at this point in their lives. I'm glad you are where you are.

Just wanted to share that not everyone is in that same place.

 

[wwjosh19]

iambren, very appreciative of your frank talk. Sex (aka intimacy or aka lust) is a beast inside of us that almost needs to be fed from time to time. I never have much victory over this area since I started to get curious. I may have triump for a few months. But almost like a pressure cooker, as it build up, it will blew up and fell all the harder. At least we as men have plenty of company, from King David on to nowadays saints. Lust, power and greed are devil's weapon of choice and it has been pretty devastating to God's children. Other gender seem to have a better handle on this area. I think I am content with just relationship minus intimacy. But in my carnal mind, relationship + intimacy = ultimate fullfillment. For men, who does not have the gift of St. Paul, that is a real challenge. Hobbies and good work only go so far.

 

[Annessa3]

hey josh-- thanks!
I sang that song all day yesterday. peace

 

[kymphony]

I too am divorced after my ex didn't want to be married anymore in 2007 and has since been living with another woman. Jesus pulled me through the pain and my relationship with Him grew leaps and bounds and I am forever grateful! I have ups and downs with loneliness. I was a member of a Christian dating site for a year and had a couple of "meetings", but the fellows weren't what God would have for me at this stage.

Sometimes I feel very lonely and sometimes I can't imagine sharing my life with a spouse again. My ex was controlling and I'm enjoying my freedom! However, I know marriage doesn't have to feel like prison so I keep my options open, wondering....just wondering.

Wish I could put my thoughts into words.

 

[exitstageright]

I heard about Paul's gift as being single that allowed him more time to serve God and accomplished so much. I really like to comprehend how he handled such challenge so well. As a divorcee after 28 years of marriage, 2 failed relationships, I no longer have any expectation in a married relationship. I experience the liberty, and happiness (use the term loosely) of being single. I recall how a friend (who also was in the middle of a divorce at the time) encouraged me by saying " once you are single, Godly women will be everywhere to meet you ." Well, that was a few years ago, my friend remarried and divorced again after a rather expensive and messy legal proceeding. He is brave and dates again. Personally I have no illusion of any marriage again. I miss the intimacy but anything outside marriage is not biblical. Will that be nice to have intimacy outside marriage ? She has my place and I have mine. But that is not biblical. So that is no win situation for singles.

I deal with my challenge by focusing in serving others. Building up skills in area that will make a difference when the dark days come (construction, medical emergency training, information technology) and volunteering for charity organizations. I hope I will not be here to live the day when " ..no one can buy or sale without the mark of the beast." With how the world is heading, there is good chance we will live through it. And when that day come, the Christian community should have all kind of skill sets to survive the hardships outside the system.

I do believe everything happens for a reason. God will not waste time in suffering (even most of our pain is self inflicted). Roman 8:28, Psalm 144:1, 2 Corinthians 4:8-10 are those scriptures that sustain me. even I feel cynical, bitter and down right disappointed, there is this flicker of hope that God will use me. Just have to compartment your pain and soldier on.

Like to hear how you deal with being single and how to channel loneness into positive energy.

Love the lyrics of this beautiful Irish song " be thou my Vision "

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

There are times that I wish that I had someone to cuddle with on a cold night. But,when I see a couple, verbally fighting in public,I am glad that I am still single. Having been married, married twice,it seems to me that marriage is just a sadistic game in which the husband always loses. It is not ok for a husband to raise his voice,get upset,or angry. Yet the wife gets away with being mean,and grotchy,because she may have PMS. We men have hormones,also. Yes,I have been told,that in marriage,that one has to "take the bitter with the sweet." But,all I seem to get is 90% bitterness and only 10% sweetness.By the way,the anniversary of my first wedding is coming up. I was married on Saturday,February 14,1987.,yes on Valentines'Day. This was my idea,so I would not forget my anniversary date.

 

[iambren]

Thanks for all the words responding to my post. There are two components to my single-suffering: the first is the all-out effort to pick the right mate(and the 100% assurance from God to proceed),and second the seeming abandonment in light of the divorce.

I'll pray "God,even Job ultimately gained resolution with you,a reconciling,an end". I become despondent,depressed(which is my nature),consider ending my life,walk empty in this world without meaning. Maybe I'm not worth loving,easily discarded as too much bother. I'd LIKE my heart to heal,but it won't. I'd LIKE her to soften before the Holy Spirit but she won't. It truly is a hell of a way to live.

 

[Messy]

Thanks for all the words responding to my post. There are two components to my single-suffering: the first is the all-out effort to pick the right mate(and the 100% assurance from God to proceed),and second the seeming abandonment in light of the divorce.

I'll pray "God,even Job ultimately gained resolution with you,a reconciling,an end". I become despondent,depressed(which is my nature),consider ending my life,walk empty in this world without meaning. Maybe I'm not worth loving,easily discarded as too much bother. I'd LIKE my heart to heal,but it won't. I'd LIKE her to soften before the Holy Spirit but she won't. It truly is a hell of a way to live.

I felt like that in the beginning. Maybe you could go to a healing week or something and get deliverance from this. Derek Prince has some good stuff on depression, he got set free from it.
I gave that love I had for him to the Lord and asked Him to turn it into His Love, learned that from Corrie ten Boom.
Praying for you and for her.

 

[dayhiker]

Its interesting to me that the Greek word for lust in Mt.5:28 is used of good desires and bad desires in the Bible. So I spent quite a bit of time to be sure I understood exactly what lust is sinful.

The Word of God set me free just as Jesus said it would.

 

[Kingsdotter]

Living life as a Single person has certain peculiar challenges, but so does living life as a married person too. I am single because this is God's will for my life, and I am content with it. One benefit of being single as a woman is less house work and more time for God

 

[wwjosh19]

Been a Christian for nearly 40 years. Accepted Christ through the campus ministry back in 1975. One thing I can not reconcile is the reality and the Biblical promises. In the years leading to the divorce, I was very zealous in ministries - workplace fellowship, campus outreach and even reaching out to the restaurant workers. There are occasions when I supported back to back fellowship and I was bone tired. I steeled myself with scriptures like Isaiah 40:31and Matt 6:33 to soldier on. Yet I did not realize at the time my own family is crumbling that ended with that fateful afternoon when my ex said " I am taking the girl and moving out". I struggled to understand what I did wrong. May be the Holy Spirits has whispered warning that I ignored, thinking this is the way to serve God, or that is a payback for sins in the past, or whatever reasons. If I dwell in "what if", I can get a bit crazy. This afternoon a coworker said she observed over the past years I may have turned my back on God. I told her I did but there is still a flicker of flame in my heart that I know God is who he is, omnipresent, Omni powerful, nothing change. But I just do not know Him as a loving father and is bitter with the life events. Psalm 144:1 is what I love and continue to sustain me that said " Blessed be the Lord my rock, who trains my hands for war and my fingers for battle." Whatever strange afflictions or adversity that tools for God to mold us into the soldier He wants us to be for the mission ahead. I try to compartment my pain and doubt and just do what I can. For years I try to share the gospels and want to be a disciple makers without much to show for my efforts. For now without joy and with bitterness, I can not witness to people as I used to. Instead of doing nothing, the least I can do is to ask God to employ me in other "departments " of his kingdom. Instead of being a evangelist, I like to serve Him by fixing houses, serving meals, grunt work or just be friendly to people. Nowadays, I surprise myself from time to time, that once awhile I have the desire to share the gospel (bridge illustration) with joy and not under pressure. May be what I did before was all wrong that I treated a person as an object to meet the quota of making a person a believer. When it is spontaneous with no expectation, you want to share and even enjoy it. I do believe dark day will come when " no one can buy or sale without the mark of the beast". May be my desire to learn a few practical skills will serve the Christian community well when we have to be self sufficient outside the system. Well, forgive me, I really not sure what I am talking about. Just get something off my chest.

 

[dayhiker]

Thanks for sharing Josh