Being Judged By Others

[AussieUndies]

My (now ex-) wife cheated on me.

I became suspicious of her behavior, so I challenged her on what I suspected and she told me about the cheating. She promised to never do it again. A year later, she did it again and I left.

Because I believe gossip is wrong, I haven't told many people that she cheated on me, but everyone in my church knows I got a divorce. I feel unfairly judged and isolated as if I have some kind of stigma or contagion. Few of my Christian friends reach out to me socially since then and I suspect my ex told many lies about what happened.

Since the divorce, I have been tempted many times to go public with her unfaithfulness in order to clear my name, but I don't believe that I can in good conscience do this without sinning. This would also hurt the reputation of guy she cheated with, and I wouldn't want to do that.

On top of all this, because few people know about the cheating, none of the single women in the church will give me the time of day as I think they believe I'm tainted due to divorce.

Even fewer people know that she also abused me, and to be honest, due to the lack of biblical justification for divorce on grounds of abuse, I used the unfaithfulness to get out of that abusive relationship.

My failed marriage caused me to suffer from chronic depression and anxiety. I feel embarrassed and think that many of my church family look down on me as a sinner because they do not know the full story. I struggle to attend church weekly because of how I feel everyone looks at me.

Have any of you seen (or experienced) similar situations? Do you have any advice?

 

[olds8598]

Gossip is based on half-truths, twisted-truths, or out-right lies. There is nothing wrong with telling your side of the story to others. I do not see how clearing your name is sinning. Since you place value on the "other" guy's name, I would do my best to avoid revealing his identity. If you cannot, oh well. If you also want to leave out other things like the abuse, fine. You feel you're being misjudged, looked down upon, and considered a sinner and an outcast; so you need to defend yourself. No one else will do it but you.

My wife left me three years ago to care for sick parents and the subsequent divorce was based on that along with betrayal by her brother and his wife. At the height of this, I occasionally was concerned about being labeled a man whose wife left him; I considered it a blow to my masculinity. When I shared the details with people, they sided with me.

I also wondered when I start dating again how another woman view me as ‘divorced.’ I would explain it with a question like “How would you feel…?” Then say with conviction that you made a decision which you felt is/was right. Then steer the conversation into a different topic.

Most of all: pray, pray, pray…for strength and wisdom.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

If they are the type of people who'd judge you based off of so little direct information, telling them information you believe to be gossip and a sin isn't worth it. Compromising your integrity to appeal more than you do now to people who act without integrity is just a losing battle. It's like admitting their behavior is the low road, but then you actively veer off from the high road to the low road and spill the goods because the lack of approval and support from those beneath you is too much.

Another thing to consider... My husband's mother was vilified for her divorce as well. She was treated like she had a disease, women wouldn't let their husbands near her, and she was much gossiped about. When she said the divorce was because my husband's father was habitually unfaithful, their unfair judgment didn't change so much as it now included "she clearly doesn't know how to keep a husband" and "that's proof positive she was a bad wife" and "if she'd done her job as a wife, he wouldn't have cheated." The relief she thought she'd get in outing him as a crap husband instead turned into more grenades lobbed at her.

People who act like your fellow churchgoers do are already operating from a place of ignorance and unreasonableness and without basic common sense. There's no reason to think that if they had the whole story, they'd suddenly start acting rationally. And if they did, you'd have to wonder at the type of people who dislike you until you give them a reason to dislike somebody else instead. There's no true friendship or support there, just a wind shifting from one scandal to another.

I'd ignore it, maybe find a different church.

 

[DZoolander]

Rarely in life is taking the "high road" rewarded socially - because they don't know you're doing it.

I had a situation similar to yours when I split with my ex-wife...although the circumstances were a little bit different. My ex-wife got involved in all sorts of deviant behaviors (bondage/discipline/sadism/masochism) - etc - and I simply didn't want that as a part of my life.

Eventually I sued for divorce - and booted her out.

The thing is, though, for a variety of reasons I didn't feel it was my duty to go telling people what the circumstances of our divorce were. Heck - I didn't even tell my own folks for about a year or two after.

In my family - my parents were always very desirous of making me take responsibility for my decisions...so in a sense...it didn't matter what the issue was...from their perspective it was my fault. In my divorce, it was exactly the same thing. For that year or two after - I was constantly harangued by my mom to "make things right" with her, "atone for what I'd done", etc.

Finally - after I had enough of it - I was like "Mom, you don't really understand what's going on. Here's why I filed for divorce." Her mouth dropped open, and she shut up about it from that point on...lol

In other circles - it was the same thing. Her family went around talking crap about me to anyone that would listen - and it soured a lot of my relationships at the time because I wouldn't get involved in that nonsense. All people were left with was the other side of the story - which was wholly inaccurate (except for the fact that I was "the cold hearted guy unwilling to even discuss reconciliation").

So - ehhh - I dunno what to tell you. Is it the right thing to do? In a lot of ways - yes. At the same time, however, just recognize that the courtesy you're extending to others rarely will be extended back to you. Very few people will walk around telling everyone else that the reasons for the divorce/whatever it may be are none of their business. The fact is - you're leaving a vacuum of information - and someone else is gonna fill it.

In retrospect - would I do it the same way again? I can't honestly say yes, that I would. Having gone through it - I might decide to see where they take it and respond in kind.

 

[dayhiker]

I think divorce carried such a strong disdain in many churches that you'd be treated the same way you are now even if they knew the circumstances.

So what I did and do is I don't accept their rejection in the sense that I don't let it effect me. I look them in the eye. I let them know that I'm really enjoying my relationship with God. I did my Bible study so that I know what I'm doing is Biblical. I live by faith. If they ask me to do something that I can't do in faith then I tell them that what ever is not of faith is sin, it would be sin for me to do that and ask them, "Do you want me to sin?" So if they press too hard, I put it back on them. I make sure I never judge them for their beliefs and actions about and toward me. Its worked really well.

 

[AussieUndies]

To clarify why I don't want to harm the reputation of the guy who my wife cheated on with, he was a good friend before it happened and since then he was in an accident which left him with brain damage, missing a lot of his long term memory. I don't believe he even remembers it based on interaction we've had since. (this isn't naivety or him trying to fool me, I had considered this) I have been able to forgive him and so what he did is not an issue in my mind. I also think that given his memory problems it may be traumatic for him to hear about it.

 

[Autumnleaf]

There are facts and there is emotional subjective pain. Share facts as you feel it is appropriate and share the pain with those you trust. Don't lie to cover up evil deeds done against you and your former marriage. Be matter of fact about it if it comes up.

When people keep quiet about situations what do you expect people to think? Its easiest for them to assume the worst about you and avoid you.

 

[nick garai]

I caught my wife with a guy once in our apartment. I did not catch them in the act but she tried to sneak the guy out of the apartment. I forgave her and let it go. A coupe of years later she openly had an affair on me and that ended our relationship. I felt embarrassed at church since it showed that I wasn't able to keep my marriage together. I eventually got over it and told people what happened to get it out of my system. People are understanding. Don't ne so hard on yourself.