before marriage

[DanTheMan]

I've been reading topics about this on the forum for quite some time today (just became a member today!) but it seems everyone has mixed feelings about certain things. I however feel my situation is slightly different and didn't get a good enough feeling for what to do so I'm creating my own thread.

I'm one of the few good guys left in the world. I've been told that by several people. I've been dating this girl for 2 1/2 years, before that we were best friends. Everyone sees the both of us as really good christians. The bad part is she lives on the other side of the USA, so we have to take flights several times a year for visits. We're both sure we want to get married in a few years. The reason we're not married already is I'm 19, shes 17, she's a junior in highschool and I'm a college freshman. I'm going to transfer to a college over there next year so we can be closer. But the problem is recently we've been engaging in certain activities, namely I've been touching her in certain places. At first she wanted it too, but after a while she didn't feel right and wanted to stop everything until we were actually married. In no way do I ever want to even remotely have the possibility of accidently having children, but there are other things I find that I almost feel like I need (I'm not talking about her doing anything to me). Growing up I never thought I would end up in this situation. I really don't know what to do. To her it feels wrong, but for some reason I don't have those same feelings and I don't understand why not. At first she was worried about what God and other people would think, now it seems she's only concerned what God would say. I just have this feeling like we're already married and there are things I do want to save for the actual wedding night, but there are other things...I always think of it as showing her my love.

I know someone will ask why we don't just get married (I think I answered that above), but believe me if we could right now I would do it in a heartbeat. it's just not possible at the moment. I had also thought about having a simple ceremony with a couple friends and then having the real wedding in a few years after college, but she didn't really like that too much. Others may question our devotion to each other, but I have to say there isn't another person on earth that I would marry, and she was 100% sure I was the one before all this happened, now she's probably about 95% but theres no way she would just get up and leave. We have way to much invested in this relationship to quit, we're just having some problems along the road. And if anyone is wondering how we met (is wasn't exactly online) I can spill the story.

I'll stop talking now.

No wait, now im done.

 

[selune]

Beware. Certain states have laws that could rule her as a minor, so if someone were to want to press charges against you as corrupting a minor, they might be able to. Remember to show her your respect. If you truly love her, listen to her and wait. I don't know what all you are doing. but if it makes her uncomfortable, stop. Don't try and convince her that it's ok. You may cause her to stumble in her walk with God if you try and push her where she doesn't want to go.

 

[shania]

There are different ways that people show love. Apparently there are 4 or 5 different "love languages". I haven't read any of the books but these are the categories from what I recall:

1. physical touch and intimacy
2. acts of service (like doing things for the other person)
3. gifts (buying things like flowers)
4. quality time (the amount of time you spend with the other person and how you spend it)
and there might be a fifth one too.

If you really love her think about what might happen to her if you were intimate and if she actually did get pregnant. What would happen to her plans and dreams of going to school? How would her family and friends react? What about the emotional strain and regret if she had to raise a child much earlier than planned? What about convincing her to sin against God when she didn't want to in the first place?

If you place her needs before your own, ask her what the best way if that you can show her your love? Maybe getting little gifts or giving her flowers and sending her poems or letters might make her feel loved.

The real question is this: Is it about pleasing yourself or pleasing the girl you love in the way she'll appreciate it the most?

 

[tractrack-online]

There are different ways that people show love. Apparently there are 4 or 5 different "love languages". I haven't read any of the books but these are the categories from what I recall:

1. physical touch and intimacy
2. acts of service (like doing things for the other person)
3. gifts (buying things like flowers)
4. quality time (the amount of time you spend with the other person and how you spend it)
and there might be a fifth one too.

If you really love her think about what might happen to her if you were intimate and if she actually did get pregnant. What would happen to her plans and dreams of going to school? How would her family and friends react? What about the emotional strain and regret if she had to raise a child much earlier than planned? What about convincing her to sin against God when she didn't want to in the first place?

If you place her needs before your own, ask her what the best way if that you can show her your love? Maybe getting little gifts or giving her flowers and sending her poems or letters might make her feel loved.

The real question is this: Is it about pleasing yourself or pleasing the girl you love in the way she'll appreciate it the most?

First let me complete shania's post.
The fifth love language as defined by Gary Smally is Word of affirmation (complements, telling her that you love her, expressing interest in what she does, etc.)

And an even better question than
"Is it about pleasing yourself or pleasing the girl you love in the way she'll appreciate it the most?"
is
Would you rather please yourself or your God?

I am assuming that you are a Christian since you are posting on this board. You sounded critical of your gf when you said that she only seems concerned about what God wants. Not only should that be your primary concern--no matter what your physical desires or what you believe your true motives are--but you as the guy should be the one leading the relationship in a God-centered God-honoring direction (see Col 3; I Cor 13). If you do not desire to follow this advice then your gf should beware because you are not ready to be a godly husband, and you might as well stop reading this reply.

Still reading?
Let me tell you briefly about my story.
I am currently 21 and engaged to the girl I have liked since 10th grade. She was not allowed to date in high school but I knew that I loved her so I waited and we became very close friends. After graduation we began to officially date, but we went to different colleges so we only see each other at Christmas and during the summer. I've been told the same thing as you that I am one of a few good guys left to have waited as long as I have. We just got engaged this January and kissed for the first time. However, we decided that we wont kiss again until much closer to our wedding date--another year and a half away (June 2005). We hold hands, snuggle, and hug, but we are both concerned that our relationship be focussed on the Lord and not ourselves or even each other. God commands physical purity until marriage and physical relationships are a slipperly slope if we let our desires rule the day (believe me I have the same desires you do--I'm just another guy, not superman

I too believe that the limited physical relationship that we do have is simply an extension and expression of our love for each other, but I am very very careful that that is how it is received. Furthermore the same love that I would like to express physically is the love that holds me to the promise we made to hold off kissing and to stay sexually pure. To violate these would not be an expression of love in any manner--whether she wanted them or not. Love is selfless, willing to do anything and expecting nothing in return. And our primary love should be for our Lord and Savior. Your concern for physical impurity (for that's what any sexual activity before marriage is) should not be due to concern of pregnancy or even your gf desire, it should be out of a love for God and a desire to keep His commands. This is the basis for a loving marriage that will last a lifetime. Meet each other at God's plan and God's timing and take the focus off personal desires and even needs.

OK I've preached long enough for now, but I hope you will see the facts in what I am saying and realize that it is possibleto wait (even 7 years)--I'm doing it and almost there

 

[tractrack-online]

P.S. Every bit of the wait is worth it as you get to know you're future wife better each day. A marriage is not just a physical relationship. There's much more to it than that--much of which you can learn in these times of waiting As for getting married right away, you are wise to wait. You will both learn much and mature much in the next couple years.

 

[seekingsomething]

I would just like to say as someone who only recently found Christ, DONT GET PHYSICAL. Before i became a Christian i was in a VERY physical relationship and one thing really DOES lead to another. I regret so much now what i did then but i thought we were going to be together forever so it wasnt an issue. Anything past kissing, for me, should be kept until the wedding. I know i have dissapointed my future husband my self and God but it is only through Gods kind heart that i am forgiven. I struggle now to stay pure but im doin it and im doin it for God and i believe He will bless me for it. Its not easy and im searchin for things to keep my mind occupied as it is the major player in this situation and i think you should do the same. PM me for a chat if you like. Love in Christ x x x

 

[HonorTruth]

Dear Dantheman:
You characterize yourself as one of the few good guys left, but you aren't acting like a good guy would act--and you must know this. You are rationalizing your sexual misbehavior as acts of love to your girlfriend. This forum is for Christians only, so I will address you as a fellow believer. Christians are called and commanded to save all sexual intimacy for marriage. The sexual "touching" you talk about is forbidden territory. Your girlfriends' body is not for you until she is your wife. Then, your lovemaking is not only allowed, but commanded. It certainly appears from your initial post that you have even come close--or further?--to coercing your girlfriend into participation in sexual acts that she does not want to do. This is a multiplication of sin. All sexual zones of the body are off limits until marriage. You must both remain fully clothed when you are together, and set the appropriate boundaries so that you will not run the risk of giving in to sexual temptation.
As a young man, your body is ready for sex at virtually any moment. You will be sexually stimulated and aroused just by being in your girlfriend's presence. Any erotic touching of her body--or yours--will only lead to an escalation of arousal and a rapid increase in temptation and moral vulnerability.
Be a real man--lead in the relationship by setting the proper limits, by pledging to God that you will remain sexually pure, by repenting to God of your previous sexual sins, by apologizing to your girlfriend for sinning against her, and by getting yourself ready for marriage at the earliest proper moment, if this is really the girl God would have you to marry.

 

[charligirl]

Some good posts here. I expect your gf is beginning to feel more unsure of you (100% sure to 95% sure) because of what is going on. You are not honouring her by your actions, she may be feeling that you don't respect her enough to wait for marriage. This is actually a common problem that can actually surface after marriage in couples who heavy petted or had sex before marriage. Women (and men) were created to be loved unconditionally, totally and fully WITHOUT sex, sex is the expression of that love that comes with marriage vows and covenant.

What is it you feel you actually need from her? It is not her responsiblilty to fulfil that need for you, she is your girlfriend not your wife. Go to God to get your needs met, ask Him to help you deal with these urges, ask Him for fulfillment in EVERY area so you do not sin or lead your gf into sin.

I agree with Honor's last paragraph, be a real man and sort this out for both your sakes.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

I've an 18 year old friend who dated her guy for 3.5 years.
They just broke up.
I think you should slow down and wait until at least you are out of college.

It sounds like she's struggling with this and is trying to tell you about it.
Love is respecting her feelings in spite of yours. If she is having a problem with messing around then you show her love by respecting that, not by disrespecting that.
Lust is tricky, subversive.

 

[pegatha]

Pregnancy is not the only reason for you to avoid sex. There are important emotional and psychological reasons, too. It sounds like this girl cherishes the dream of remaining a virgin until her wedding night, and not just a "technical" virgin either. Whether that night will be with you or another man, please don't do anything to ruin her dreams. She may struggle with bitterness for years if you do.

 

[desi]

Marry her or agree to see other people. There is no middle ground in this area. You either are the man for her or you are not. If you are, nothing will keep you from her.