Beep

[Kaylee4Christ]

Once upon a time, there lived a girl named Fred Rita Fluffiluffikiss, or Fred for short. She was a very odd person. She enjoyed doing odd things, such as adjusting the tint on her television screen to green and insisting she liked it that way. Fred’s parents were worried that she was a social outcast (which she was) and tried to set up “play dates” with other girls her age, but all she said was, “Do you hear that?”

Her parents would reply, “Hear what, darling?”

“Never mind, it’s gone now,” she would dismiss it with the flick of her wrist. Her parents would continue droning on and on about how she should get out more and “have fun” more suitable to the interests of other girls her age.

“Do you hear that?!” she would shout again.

“Hear what, my sweet?” her father would yell back, her mother frozen in slight shock.

“Never mind, it’s gone now.”

Her parents would exchange glances.

“YOU CERTAINLY MUST HAVE HEARD THAT!” Fred would scream, running into a wall in an attempt to get away from whatever she was supposedly “hearing”.

Fred’s father, Ed, would say to his wife, Beverly, “A few logs short of a roaring fire, if you know what I mean.” Beverly would nod.





Fred had been home schooled for all of her life, so her parent’s first impulse was to send her to public school, in an attempt to regain their status as a “normal family”.

A chess club member approached Fred on her first day, pushing his glasses up on his nose. Before the boy could say anything, Fred asked, “What color are your socks?”

The boy looked slightly disturbed and looked down at his feet. He was wearing shorts with dress shoes and red knee socks. “Red.” He puffed on his inhaler.

Fred whipped out a small notebook and scribbled something down, muttering something about “psychological profiles.” The boy looked even more disturbed and ran off.



Later, in the girls’ restroom, Fred was washing her hands when the most popular girl in school, Shayla, set up her makeup station on the sink next to her.

Fred casually said, “I know all about it.”

Shayla nearly dropped her eyeliner down the drain and looked slightly annoyed. “About what?”

Fred looked around and lowered her voice, beckoning for Shayla to lean in closer. “Your glue sniffing addictions.”

Shayla stood straight up and shouted, “WHAT?!”

“Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me,” Fred turned off the faucet and dried her hands with a paper towel, sauntering off. Shayla turned and looked at herself in the mirror.

“How did she know?”



In social studies, Mr. Brawny was giving the class a lecture on which was better: Clorox or Windex. Fred barked in a high-pitched tone every time he said the word “the”, which was beginning to annoy him a lot.

Finally he stopped and asked, “Miss Fluffiluffikiss, do you mind?”

“Not all, Mr. Scott.”

“It’s BRAWNY! Not SCOTT!” he shouted, his face getting red.

Fred’s face remained indifferent. Mr. Brawny continued his lecture, getting on to reading 5 pages on the differences between dolphins and porpoises.

In the middle of the 4th page, Fred held her hand out in front of her and said in amazement, “Wow! I never knew I had this!” Everyone stared at her.

“You like me, you really really like me!” she squealed, rushing to the front of the class and grabbing the globe.

“I’d like to thank my mom, and my dad, and my imaginary purple hippopotamus with green spots named Bob! I never could have done it without you!” she said, clutching the globe tightly.

Mr. Brawny rose from his chair. “Miss Fluffiluffikiss, can I help you with something?”

The other students glared at her, starting to laugh. They said under their breath, “Freak.”

“What color are your socks?” she asked.

Luckily for her, the final bell rang.



Two weeks later, Fred was sitting on a school bus on the way back from a school field trip to the art museum. It was rather quiet, and everyone was incredibly bored.

“Hey everyone, let’s sing a song!” she shouted.

The football quarterback, Brad, shouted back, “Like what, Fred the Freak?”

“999,999,999 bottles of pop on the wall, 999,999,999 bottles of pop, take one down, pass it around, 999,999,998 bottles of pop on the wall!” she sang, off tune. Everyone groaned and covered their ears.

The bus cranked to a stop at the side of the road in the middle of a barren desert. At the front of the bus, Shayla stood up. “All in favor of making Fred disappear, say I!” In the seconds afterward, the air rippled with a chorus of “I”. They all lifted Fred onto their shoulders and, cheering, deposited Fred outside the bus, and resumed their places on the school bus. “You like me, you really really like me!” Fred squealed.

Dust flew as the bus high-tailed it for the city, leaving Fred far, far behind. She ran around in the area around the dusty road, her arms spread wide and making car sounds. “Vroom vroom!” she shouted.



Several hours later, a small green car pulled up next to the tired Fred, laying in the middle of the road. A nerdy looking guy stepped out from the drivers seat and asked, “Need a ride?”

Fred lifted her head. “Beep?”

The guy’s eyes widened as he shouted to other people in the car, “She’s one of us!”

A small crowd (20 or so) of nerdy looking people spilled out of the small car. Fred stood up, brushed herself off and stared at the people. They stared back. “Beep?” they called in unison.

“BEEP!” Fred shouted.

The group cheered and grabbed Fred, filing back into the small car. She cried, “I belong! I belong!”

The small car disappeared into the sunset as a chorus of high-pitched and off-pitch voices squealed, “999,999,999 glasses of pink lemonade on the wall, 999,999,999 glasses of pink lemonade, take one down, pass it around, 999,999,998 glasses of pink lemonade on the wall!”

____________

I wrote this for a class assignment. It made my dad laugh really hard and he's going to send it to all his work buddies. I hope ya'll enjoy.

 

[thenewageriseth]

That was funny! LOL Especially the way he said her last name!
The teacher Mr. Brawny I mean.