Been doing good but...

[berry2000]

So i kind of lost track of the last time. I know that's a good sign. I think it was back in march or april. I don't remember. And I got on some medication that is helping. Lamictal seems to help with these urges for me (used for bipolar).

However, i under an extreme amout of stress. And it seems a depression has crept back in. My husband just got passed over for a new job that we desparately needed him to have. And he finds out on Tuesday if he goes into the third and final phase of getting his PHD or if he fails. If he fails...I don't know if i have the strength emotionally to deal with all that it means. First and foremost it means he looses his part time job which is supposed to start the last week in August. Secondly it means we have no direction no idea of what kind of job if any he will have but more broad sweeping no idea what kind of career he will have.

I'm scared out of my boots. And i have a lot of anxiety. And the depression isn't helping. I'm drowning in what if's and it always never works out and everything is miserable and always ever will be. Which is my signal that a depressive episode is starting.

I want to c#t so badly to make all these thoughts and feelings go away and to resume some sense of emotional normalcy.

Small i know, but i had also set up this really fun girls day out, to see a movie i really want to see and everyone bailed on me.

 

[texannurse]

Berry - I will pray that you get good news on Tuesday.
I am on Lamictal too and I find it really helps decrease the urge to cut - Not that I don't think about it, but it does help.

How are you doing with the depression today?

 

[ChristInAction]

hold on. You can do this,
look forward 2 the girls nite & dont give up on your husband so quick.
Try staying optimistic! What if he does get it? =D Theres a good 'what if'.
I know its easyer to think of the bad but you need to stay strong knowing that God will get you & your husband threw this, no matter what.
i love you hun & I'm always here. PM me if u want. i know you can beat this!
ally x0x

 

[HolyOne87]

I'll keep you in my prayers as well. I hope things turn out well Tuesday.
Keep us posted

*hugs*

 

[berry2000]

The depression is increasing. So is the urge. But I am resisting. The medications i take seem to be helping. I know i am depressed but i'm not stuck in bed. I'm moving around and doing the things that need doing. It's kind of weird. Depressed on the inside functional on the outside. My thoughts are cloudy and slow. But i am hanging in there. Thanks guys. I think i will try and check in once a day and post how i'm doing just to help keep me accoutable.

 

[berry2000]

It's been 11 days since i posted this. And I didn't self harm in any way. I did break a few pencils, which I might add is strangely satisfying. I don't know why i did this it was just there and I felt i need to break it. So i went out and bought a whole box of pencils just in case. Anyways....the urge has completely passed and the anxiety. Depression lessing but tolerable.

 

[brokenwings27]

i have actually broken a couple pencils myself... i know what your saying