bedtime

So far, I agree with Bliz wholeheartedly.

I just love cuddly sleepy babies!!! My little one (she's 3) still comes to cuddle in bed with me every morning after Daddy leaves for work. My oldest did the same thing when she was younger, but grew out of it...started waking up, fixing herself some cereal and settling down to watch cartoons. And now she's going off to school every day... she's just grown up so fast. I really cherish all the times I've gotten to cuddle with my kids. Some of my favorite mommy moments, I think.

As far as falling asleep goes, they both lie down on their own, but we usually end up cuddling with them for a few minutes before they fall asleep. It's just our time to say goodnight and 'I love you' and say our prayers. And quite often I'll rub their backs or stroke their hair until their asleep. Now, they have no problem falling asleep without that, but it's such a sweet end to my day...I just love it.

It really bugs me when people tell me "You're doing it wrong." There's no one right way to parent. And I think the fact that we're all trying to do the best thing possible for our kids is the most important thing.

bliz said:

Some of us in Western cultures are doing this, too. For us it evolved from having the crib close to the bed, to taking one side off the crib to putting two beds together... for a brief while we had queen and full together in a small room - literally a bed-room! - with all 5 of us together. It was great! Kids happily moved out into their own beds, sometimes they would choose to sleep with each other and from time to time, they would drift back for visits with us.

Historically, individual bedrooms are a very modern concept and far more cultures in the world "family bed" then sleep in individual beds.

Luke 11:7 'Do not bother me; the door is now shut, and my children are with me in bed.

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My husband and I have contemplated this, especially when everyone wants to snuggle and watch a video. Heck even the cats (3) get in on the family cuddle. *sigh* they grow so fast. I don't think that some extra cuddles before bed causes children to be spoiled brats. I think that behavior is developed during the waking hours of watching others. Just my 2 cents.

selune said:

I don't think that some extra cuddles before bed causes children to be spoiled brats.

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That's the truth!

Children are not spoiled by having their needs met. Children need to be touched and receive affection and get attention from their parents just as they need food and water. Meeting those emotional needs is not spoiling or failing to be firm; it's loving.

bliz said:

I do not understand how leaving a child in a situation where they are insecure makes them more secure. It may make them experienced at coping with insecurity, but it does not make them secure.

Babies who are left to "cry it out" cry less than babies who are picked up or comforted when they cry. But the goal is not to have a baby that cries as little as possible. At least, that was never my goal. My goal was/is a happy, secure, self confident young adult. I think those people come from babies whose needs have been met and who did/do feel well loved and very secure.

We did not choose to stay with our kids till they were asleep becasue they fussed and cried. We were not caving in to tantrums. We made a concsious choice of how to parent at bedtime. We also used the "family bed" concept which worked very well with the peaceful bedtimes and lots of bonding. Don't we want our children to want to be with us? Don't we want them to seek us out for comfort and security?

There are many (most?!) areas of parenting that require firm rules to which children will be expected to conform, sometimes (often!?) accompanied by tears and screams. It is loving parenting that makes us hold are kids to these standards and to teach them to obey us. But 2, 3, 4 year old child wanting and needing comfort and love at bedtime is not a disobedient child who is defiant of his parent's rules.

Today my "baby" left for the first day of school. My 17 year old, 6' 2" guy gave me a hug and said "I love you, Mom." as he left the house. WOW!!!!
I can't prove it, but I think that has something to do with how we raised him.

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I was refering specifically those who do this I love you and will be with you while you fall asleep and I will meet all your needs and be there to love you when you cry and the rest of the time they dump them in child care .... did you do that with your kids...?

I've cared for kids who'se parents did this and no the kids weren't secure but were rather overly dependant on adult company and I had to give my own kids so much less attention to hold these kids on my knee all day and lay with them until they fell assleep when they needed a nap like they were used to cos I'm not a nasty mean neglectful childminder...

I don't know why you picked out a part of what I said and used it to assume I am against loving your kids... you use insane logic to lead you to that conclusion... and I am insulted.

You weren't very clear about this in your post. What you posted made it sound much like children should not be cuddled to sleep in any situation. I think that the kids who were left in daycare may have been insecure for other reasons, but that's a different thread altogether.

Crofter - It was certainly not my intent to insult you are anyone else. I am sorry if my words were offensive to you.

The topic of the thread is Bedtime. While young children take naps, bedtime generally refers to going to sleep at night, which is usually done at home with parents.

Crofter said:

I was refering specifically those who do this I love you and will be with you while you fall asleep and I will meet all your needs and be there to love you when you cry and the rest of the time they dump them in child care .... did you do that with your kids...?

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No. I was home with my kids and/or working a job that I could do from home with my kids. I know my next statement will offend others, but I have never understood haivng children only to have others care for them, especially when they are young. Kids can cope. But coping and thriving are not the same thing.

I've cared for kids whose parents did this and no the kids weren't secure but were rather overly dependant on adult company and I had to give my own kids so much less attention to hold these kids on my knee all day and lay with them until they fell assleep when they needed a nap like they were used to cos I'm not a nasty mean neglectful childminder...

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I could not agree with you more. Kids who in the very best of day care are not near as secure as kids who are at home. These kids are in need of the care and attention that they should be getting from mom and dad.

I don't know why you picked out a part of what I said and used it to assume I am against loving your kids... you use insane logic to lead you to that conclusion... and I am insulted.

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I have not assumed that you are against loving kids. I thought that you and I disagreed over how best to express that love at bedtime. Earlier you posted:

Crofter said:

I just put my kids to bed... if they didn't like it then tough... they quickly got the message.

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If I got the wrong impression, I am very sorry.

bliz... thanks for your post,... sorry to have got touchy.

...It sounds harsh leaving my kids to sleep... but that's the way I've always done it and they always liked just to be put in bed and left to play 'till they fell asleep. My daughter would actually have been distressed to be held cos he had a little autism and didn't like being held and that would make her cry... but being my first that seemed normal for a kid. I think on these boards a lot of mixed advice is needed on parenting cos there are different ways to raise kids depending on the family what they can cope with how many young kids they have and the personality of the child etc.. so some kids actually are better not cuddled to sleep and this is not something you'd suspect and is always worth considering if a parent has a child they can not get to settle... and this is getting more common than you'd think. I found when my daughter needed a nap when we were out somewhere else if I held her she just got distraught.. but if I put her on the floor in a corner under a chair she looked neglected but relaxed at once and was off in a tick... that are all different.

When people have problems they should try to find the options until they find the ones that work for them.... even options they might not think they like. But I don't think kids should be left to scream and be more and more distressed.... but just beliefe that for sanities sake that bed time is bedtime. but to what extent to take that line is down to common sense I think. A lot of time the parent needs to relax... and if they can find a way to be relaxed that often pases on to the child and they relax too whatever way you use to encourage the chid to sleep.


People don't tend to think of child care... of raising kids in a way that suits child care and as so many now seem to use this facility they should think about all the implications of this and how to make the child better suited to that lifestyle.

Bedtime in my house is actually pretty good. My kids know when it is bedtime it is down time and they have always been pretty good about it I am very lucky.