Backing out...

[captainslow]

Hi all,

About five months ago I met my fiancé. Things moved very fast in our relationship and I got to know her family really well. Her mom at several times stating that they accepted me as a son.

To the point....the past week I have had second doubts, I had these doubts before and I backed out of relationships because of it.

My fiancé knows about this and I have never seen a person as sad as her before. We have been fighting the last week and some really bad warning lights have come up convincing me of my doubts.

I would like to point out that I have always been a loner in life. This is how I prefer it and I know I am not ready for all of this, I amm backing out.

Problem: I feel really sorry for her and she does not deserve to be treated this way. She deserves to be happy because she has been through allot. Lately I feel very manipulated, reason being; she constantly reminds me of how she has never been so happy. She has invested all her dreams and energy into this relationship. She sees us growing old and I have been provided to her from God.

Allot of things happened lately in our family. My brother moved away after he got married, my parents have allot of personal issues, my grandma is very sick and the list goes on.

This all happened suddenly and it hit me like a bus. I am depressed and cracked.

Back to the engagement, I feel as if this is not what I need the moment and need to focus on different things in life. I know how much I am hurting her at the moment. Imfeel it is better to back out now than at a later stage where things will be much worse.

She has been trying to fix things but I am not feeling it. Everything she states makes sense and she is right in what she says. I have been pushing her away and we have only been engaged for 7 days. She wants to be there for me but I am not allowing her.

Moving forward I have her mom and sister and her brother on my case leaving me feeling more manipulated. They are concerned about their daughter and her well being. Constantly reminding me that she won't make it through this.

But what about my feelings? I thought this is something I wanted but have found it not to be. Throughout this she has made everything about her, and I only asked for some space to think.

Another predicament, what if I find a month down the line that I made a huge mistake? We have had wonderful times together! Everything just happened to soon.

I rarely have the chance to have a proper conversation with her as she always breaks down and never stops crying. I also do know that this is not fair towards her.

Relationships are not for me at the moment and if you know you know, I thought I knew but I don't anymore. I am totally confused and that leaves me with; if you doubt, don't do it.

I have so much to say and need advice on, but will leave it at that for now.

 

[mina]

I wouldn't marry someone if I felt the way you do.....
However, if you love her and want to give your relationship a chance then there is nothing wrong with pushing the date back, even going to couple's counseling to work through your issues together and help in building a stronger relationship before you marry. I have to wonder why you proposed so soon if you knew you had a history of backing out of relationships.....

 

[captainslow]

Hi mina...

I guess I thought this is what I wanted and found it not to be the case.

She mentioned to me at several stages she never wanted a relationship and was totally negative with regards to relationships, so was I. Then I came along and her views changed. Same thing with me, however I believe people change, people's needs change as well and this she cannot understand.

I feel as though she has now put all her happiness and life on my shoulders which is not fair either.

 

[freedmfighter]

The best is just to back out....until you know what you want.
Let your fiance go..she's a big girl.... she'll get over it and find somebody who wants to be with her.

 

[iambren]

If you don't love her then break it; you are doing her a favor. Five months is a speck on life's radar. She'll live. You have every right to break a relationship if no committment was made.

 

[SparkyMaddie]

Never back yourself into a corner,best to break it off and think things through.

 

[LinkH]

Don't make a permanent decision based on a temporary situation. If you are just going through some emotional stuff right now and decide to break it off, and then change your mind later, the damage may be hard to undo. It's not just hurting her feelings. You will also hurt her family and other people who know her who may not be as accepting as she is. Your in-laws may respect you less for being so wishy-washy. Make a decision, make a decision, and show some resolve and stick to it. If you aren't sure now, take some time to pray and figure things out. Come back as a man with a plan and some resolve to follow through on your decisions. If you believe there is a good chance you are going to end up marrying this girl, don't break off the engagement. If you need some time before marriage, you can say you want a little longer engagement to deal with some issues first. You don't have to break it off.

I'm picking up an "It's not you. It's me" vibe from your post. Are you saying the issue is not whether she would be a good person to marry, but whether you are ready to take the plunge. The question is not what you need right now and what you want to focus on. If that's it, reschedule the wedding day for a better time. The issue is having a suitable woman to marry. If you are cut out for marriage, then you should marry. One way to know whether you are suitable for marriage is to ask yourself whether you will be content to live celibate for your whole life and go without the sexual and emotional benefits of being married. If the answer is 'no' then get married. If this girl is a believer (assuming you are), a godly woman who would make a good wife for you, why would you back out? Are you going to freak out whenever you are ready to make a commitment?

You should sort these things out BEFORE you get engaged. In the Old Testament, after betrothal, a divorce was required to end the relationship. If you are going to take a girl as far as engagement, you need to be committed to go all the way through with marriage at that point, especially if her family has agreed to it.

Your fiancee saying these things to you should not feel like pressure. You proposed to her, right? If you did, then her talking about these things should be reassurance, not pressure. She didn't drag you home and tell everyone you were getting married, against her will, right? It's normal, IMO, to feel a little uncomfortable with in-laws pushing for different things related to the wedding. My wife is from a very different culture. After meeting them and talking about wedding plans, I felt pretty confused about everything that had been decided on. But I still wanted to marry my wife. If I had to jump through hoops to do so, I'd jump through hoops.

I don't think you should get married when you are full of doubts, but I don't think that necessarily means you should break it off. Since you have already popped the question, why don't you tell her you want to take some time apart for a while to fast and pray, and then really pray about this. If the marriage is pleasing to the Lord, ask him to show that to you. If it is, just go forward to it and don't let your mind dwell on any doubts-- especially none of the doubts about what you need in life, etc. If she were a serial killer or something, I can see why you'd have doubts. But you should have gotten to know where well enough by now to know whether she is a suitable partner for you.

Some people think when you meet the right person you won't have any doubts. I had some doubts when I was seeing my wife. But I went to prayer and the issues were resolved for me when I prayed about my decision to propose and told the Lord based on what I knew of His will, that was what I was going to do, and if He didn't want me to, to stop me or let me know. It was all resolved for me then.

I don't think everyone is the type of person who, if they meet the right partner, will have no doubts. Some people are just prone to have cold feet or doubt or whatever. Ask yourself, if you meet the match for you, are you still going to doubt? Is she a good match? If the problem is with you not wanting to commit, fearing marriage, fearing change, always fearing it is not a good time, then fix the problem with you, and make a commitment. Pray through on the issue and decide.

Why be scared to get married? Proverbs 18:22 says, "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD." I am so happy to be married. If I could project my consciousness back into my body back when I first got married and relive those experiences (if it didn't have any negative consequences in the hear and now) I would. It was a very, very enjoyable time of life.

What is so scary about marriage? Is it scary to get to see the woman you love when you come home instead of having to go pick her up and take her home at night? Is it scary to get to see her whenever you want instead of having to set dates with her? Is it scary to maybe even have her cook for you instead of always taking her out to eat? (Some people's cooking is scary, and you could cook for her, too.) What about lots and lots of guilt-free newlywed sex? Is that scary?

Unless their called to celibacy, why would anyone want to be single? If you find the right person, why not go get married, as long as your at an age where you can reasonably have a wife financially?

If you are designed for marriage rather than celibacy, and you find someone to marry who is a blessing from the Lord for you, don't let yourself get caught up in fears and worries. Get some resolve. Dedicate your mind. Commit yourself and go for it.

If there is some reason, Biblically, you should not get married, and that is eating away at you, that is a totally different matter. Go to the Lord in pray about this. Pray for the Lord to help you make a decision. Listen. Pray. Read the word. See if you get any direction. If you don't, make a decision based on wisdom and what the word of God has to say. I'd also consider those Old Testament passages about betrothal in my decision making process if I were you.